The Consequences Of Not Vetting Women Properly

How to avoid the painful consequences of not vetting women properly.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who shares how he finally got to the point where he ended a toxic relationship after two years of abuse. He admits he didn’t vet her properly and kept taking her back every time she dumped him because she’s a nut. He started dating her six months after he lost his wife to cancer.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who I’ve answered some previous newsletters about this situation. He’s been following my work for about two years. He’s listened to 3% Man 16 times, and he just shares a lesson because he finally had enough with this particular woman who, quite frankly, looks like she was just a nut. Things could be going good for a while, she gets in a bad mood and then she would torpedo the relationship, break up with him. The last time he told her if she ever dumped him again that he wouldn’t take her back the next time she decided she regretted her decision.

So it’s a good email that just shows the downside of not vetting the women and focusing on how much you like them and ignoring the fact that they got issues. The more the home the girl comes from is broken and the worse the father does raising her, the more squirrely her behavior is going to be. So it’s just a good email to learn from on what to avoid if you spot this kind of behavior and somebody he just started seeing. He was already down the road and already dating her and he kept projecting his fantasy of what he wanted onto her.

Part of the issue was he met her six months after his wife passed away of cancer. So I’m sure just the ordeal of going through that, he wanted some company. He’s a single dad now with two young boys, so you can just understand how he kind of got into a situation like this, but he writes in because he wants to share this with you guys in hopes that everybody can learn from it and avoid his mistakes because he spent two years with her, basically.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Corey Wayne,

Hope you’re doing well.

I have been following your work for two years now. I’ve read and listened to your first book How To Be A 3% Man about 16 times. I am not looking for any advice in this email, but rather a lesson to your viewers for not vetting potential girlfriends properly during the dating process.

You have helped me on a number of occasions with this woman I have been in an on and off relationship with and I appreciate that. Just to recap. My name is (Bob) and I am a 42-year-old widower from the UK with two young boys. One of which is a teenager now. Six months after I was widowed from a happy 13-year marriage, I started dating this particular woman and we rushed into a relationship. After about a month-and-a-half, she started displaying a lot of passive aggressive and narcissistic behaviors, like ignoring me for days on end for something really small, which made me start to question myself.

Yeah, this is where the danger is. When you date somebody that is a narcissist, they’re passive aggressive, or they stonewall you, and you know what it’s like to date somebody that’s easy and effortless, where you just talk and work things out when an issue comes up versus a woman like this who just gets pissed and gives you the silent treatment for several days, then when she feels like you suffered enough, then she reaches out and oftentimes wants to act like just nothing ever happened. It’s emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, and it’s mentally abusive, and the more you stay with somebody like this, you just start to question yourself. Especially if they’re narcissistic because they’re going to gaslight you and always play like they’re the victim and it’s always somehow ends up being your fault.

So this guy had a good marriage, and despite that, he started dating this woman and he ignored that behavior because most guys, when they come across somebody like this that there’s a lot of other good things about them, they think, “Oh well, it’s just we had a little bump in the road. No big deal. It was just a one time thing.” Then the fifth, the sixth or the 10th time it happens, then you realize that’s just kind of the way they are.

This is when I came across your work. While I was reading your material, learning and being roasted by you in newsletters…

You’re welcome.

…She broke up with me about seven times, only to come running back after I stopped contacting her.

So he would follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, go no-contact and at some point she’d come back.

For the last year, although I was applying what your book teaches, we would be OK for a while and then she would get annoyed for the littlest thing and give me the silent treatment.

You’re not able to. You can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them, and when somebody just ghosts you, leaves you hanging for several days, won’t return your call, just ignores you and then comes back like nothing ever happened, you think, “OK well, that’s a one-off,” and then it happens again, Oh well, maybe she’s having a bad day or a bad week. She’s going through a rough time.” Then you make excuses for the behavior.

I don’t mind telling you that this behavior is mentally draining and exhausting.

Well, it’s also abusive.

She told me when she was a child she did not have a good relationship with her parents. Her father was an alcoholic and her mother had no time for her.

So you can imagine she grows up feeling like nobody gives a shit about her, and you’re just going to get hot and cold behavior because she never got loved properly, and she didn’t have a stable environment and dad’s drunk and checked out.

In a nutshell, she came from a broken home. Recognizing the way she was behaving is not normal, she started seeing a therapist for a while. She also recently got officially diagnosed with ADHD, which is one of her son’s got diagnosed with as well. I thought I could work with this because I love her, but I was wrong.

Yeah, it’s not your job to fix or to save somebody or to undo the bad job their father did. You got to see reality as it is and not better than it is, which is what he did, basically.

The last time she broke up with me, which was just over a year ago. When she came back, I looked her in the eyes and told her, “The next time you break up with me, you will never get me back if you later realize you made a mistake.”

Now keep in mind, she did it seven times.

After I told her that, she said she felt a shiver down her spine.

Probably because she knew you meant it.

Fast forward to now and for the straw that broke the camel’s back. For the last month or so, I noticed she started becoming more withdrawn, although she was still doing 95% of the pursuing, for example, not wanting to stay at my house anymore apparently because of my cats. This was never a problem before. Also, she has not been wanting to have sex and also started to reject my affections.

Well, that tells me you’re trying to seduce her when she’s not really open to it. So I would say with that particular item, you’re not really following the book. If the legs closed, typically it’s because she doesn’t feel heard and understood, but then again, this woman is a fruit loop and she’s not normal. The book is designed for normal women and to weed out the fruit loops, but he didn’t weed her out. He kept dating her and thinking, “I can fix her. I can save her. Captain Save-A-Hoe to the rescue!”

She told me that just because she does not want to have sex, does not mean she does not love me. Yeah, right! Last Thursday, she invited me and one of my kids over to hers. When we arrived in the evening, I could see straight away she was off. I said, “You seem kind of distant babe. What’s up?” She replied, “I am fine.”

“It’s fine. I’m fine.”

No one says I’m fine. Like, they’re not fine.

I pushed a little more and she then said she is in a bad mood. When I asked what she is in a bad mood over and she then said it is because I am there and said she is overwhelmed with everything going on in her life.

I mean, I would have been like, “Well, if I’m here and that puts you in a bad mood, well I’d rather go do something with my son.” It’s hard as a dad, you don’t want your kid being around a woman who you show up and she’s just an ass. I don’t think so.

She was ignoring me while I was there, rolling her eyes and being rude to me.

Again, if your son watches this, eventually when he’s old enough to date, he’s going to date women like that and think it’s OK because dad did it. So you got to remember the example that you’re setting. Whatever you bring into your life, whatever you tolerate, you’re going to invite more of. In this case, you’re going to invite it for your children. So that’s why it’s best to dip from women when they show how nutty they really are.

After a little while, I said “OK, I’m going home if you don’t want me here,” and left with my son without saying another word.

I called my older sister that evening and spoke to her about what happened. She told me to just get rid of her as she told me many times before. I knew this is what I am going to do, but I needed to hear it from someone else as well.

The next day I called her, as I did not really care anymore about waiting for her to call me and she straight away diverted my call and texted me saying, “I don’t want to talk.” This morning, I called her again to end the relationship, as I’ve had enough. When I rang her, she ignored my call. About five minutes later, she texted me saying, “Don’t call me. I don’t want to speak with you.”

Again, women like this, they’re just a little cuckoo. They just wake up on the wrong side of the bed and you could have had a great day the day before, and now they wake up today, they’re in a shitty mood, and they’re going to let you and everybody else know how unhappy or pissed off they are.

I replied saying, “OK.”

She has done this on numerous occasions before when I first found your work and after a few days, she would apologize to me, but would then say it was my fault for whatever reason she pulls out of the cloud.

Yeah, that’s what the narcissist does. Always the victim. It’s always your fault. No accountability there. They’re just not able to take any accountability at all.

I have no intention of ever calling or texting her, and when she decides to reach out to me, which she probably will once she is feeling remorseful and happy again, I am going to tell her I’m done. I have officially had enough of her overstepping my boundaries.

Well, quite frankly, it’s like, why even bother calling her? I mean, you called her twice and she blew you off. That’s part of the reason, because you were doing a little bit of inviting this behavior, because you kept pursuing her and trying to talk to her when she’s ignoring you. So you’re straying from the book a little bit there, and that’s why I’m putting these things out.

If I had vetted her properly in the beginning, I would not have put up with this behavior for over two years. This woman has done a lot of damage to me mentally and made me question my self-worth…

Yeah, you can read all about narcissism on the internet. Just Google it. There’s lots of information out there on it just so you know what to look for, because this is what they do. The narcissist never takes any responsibility for their behavior. It’s always your fault or somebody else’s fault. They never do anything wrong because they’re just perfect. It’s usually because they get ridiculed by their parents. They’re constantly being told that they’re wrong, they’re being yelled at. It’s just, they never get any validation. It’s always, “You’re wrong. You’re this, you’re that. You’re a terrible person.” Then they grow up having to defend themselves constantly. They hate being berated constantly. It’s like a coping mechanism that they learn to deal with. They can’t ever take any responsibility because when they were kids, they’re just constantly being told that they’re bad and almost no praise at all.

I remember, like me personally, growing up, like the first time I ever heard my dad say he was proud of me, I was like in my late 20s I think it is. When I was doing really well, I held the phone away and I was just like, “Did my dad just say he was proud of me?” It only took 30 years.

…All because I developed strong feelings for a woman…

Remember, we make our decisions based on our emotions and then we use logic and reason to justify it. So because he was really into her and focused on his feelings and how much he liked her, he ignored all her wacky behavior.

…Who is not mentally stable and possibly a narcissist.

Well, if she couldn’t take any accountability and if she gaslighted you, always telling you it was your fault, that sounds like a narcissist. Again, you can look that stuff up online.

Like it’s not traumatic enough to lose my wife to cancer.

It’s not easy breaking up with someone you love and care about…

But you got to love and care about yourself as well. You got two boys that are going to follow your example, and you need to do a better job of letting them see you with a woman who actually treats you good like their mother did.

…But I know that this is what needs to be done in order for me to move on with my life and be happy. I will never take her back no matter how much I am hurting inside.

Well, I hope you’re congruent with that. I hope I don’t get an email in a few months going, “Hey, Coach. I know I said I was not going to take her back, but she’s back in therapy and promises she’ll change,” or whatever it is.

I am going to stay single for a while, focus on my kids, my career, improving my health and fitness by eating clean, avoiding alcohol, going consistently to the gym and reconnecting with old friends. Once I have healed and feel ready, I’ll get back into the dating world while making sure I apply what’s in your book. The future is looking bright.

Best Wishes,

Bob

Well congratulations, Bob! It only took two years, but at least hopefully you’re finally free of this ratchet who’s not good for you and not good for your boys. You got to think about the example you’re setting for them, because kids are going to do and act based upon what is modeled for them at home, and going over to this woman’s house and letting her abuse you in front of your children is not good. I’m sure your wife would agree. She wouldn’t like to see your sons subjected to that. She wants the best for you, and she wants the best for your sons. So to honor her memory, you need to do what’s right and find somebody that treats you as good or maybe even better than your wife did.

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