The Consequences Of Tolerating Disrespect, Low Interest, Effort & Attraction

Why you shouldn’t tolerate disrespect, low interest, effort & attraction.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer in the UK who has been putting up with a girlfriend who is hot and cold, dumps him repeatedly, jerks him around, disrespects him, cancels plans, has low interest in him and makes little effort. She just blew him off once again after telling him she has no feelings for him and that she is just a messed up crazy woman.

He’s already looking forward to giving her another chance if she comes back to continue being her punching bag. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy I guess I’ve answered a few email newsletters for him in the past. He’s been seeing this woman for the self-professed crazy woman for the past year. The problem is, she’s hot and cold, she’s dumped him repeatedly, she jerks him around, she disrespects him, she’s verbally abusive, she’s emotionally abusive, she’s mentally abusive, she cancels plans, she has low interest in him and she makes little effort. Once again recently, she blew him off and dumped him, told him she had no feelings for him and that he shouldn’t be dating a messed up, crazy woman, basically.

Remember when Maya Angelou tells you, as she said, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” This guy just keeps coming back for a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth helping of abuse and lunacy. A big part of the problem is, remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. So no matter how much abuse of behavior he gets from her, he just seems to be committed to being a doormat and letting this girl walk all over him and jerk him around. Plus, it’s he’s probably doing a lot of over-pursuing. He’s only focused on his high interest in her, and he’s ignoring the fact that she’s got really low interest.

This is the danger when you don’t pay attention to a woman’s effort and her actions and you just focus on the fact that you want the girl and you’re afraid of losing her like this guy. He’s a widower, he lost his wife and he’s got two young boys. So ultimately, he’s going to want to find a good woman that can help co-parent his children, and it’s pretty obvious that this woman is everything she’s doing is displaying that she’s not qualified or capable and probably not really sane enough to date.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Corey Wayne,

I hope you are well.

You have responded with newsletters to a couple of issues I was having with my girlfriend last year, which I appreciate. Just to recap, my name is Bob, I’m 41 and live in England (UK). I have been a widower for 19 months now and have two young boys. I met a lady on Father’s Day last year and we entered into a relationship. As mentioned in your previous newsletters addressing the problems I was having is that she kept blowing hot and cold and also broke up with me two times…

Healthy, sane women don’t dump a guy they’re in love with.

…Only to come back each time after I went into no contact. I am currently listening to your audio-book for the 8th time.

Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. If this has been going on for a whole year and nothing much has changed, if you keep putting up this behavior, all you’re doing is communicating to her that you allow it, you tolerate it, and therefore you invite more of it. If you love and value yourself, especially you got two young boys, this is not the kind of image or relationship that’s an example you want to present to your boys. It’s not healthy.

Last December, I invited my girlfriend to spend Christmas with us, as her ex-husband was taking her kids away on holiday and she would be on her own. When I initially asked her, she said that she would think about it and also told me that she thinks it would be better if I concentrated on my kids on my own and instead of her.

So what that tells me is that he’s way more into her than she’s into him, and he just has no clue. He’s not paying attention to it because her effort is just not there. If you’ve been dating, because at that point, he’s been dating this woman for like six months, under normal circumstances, you invite a girl to spend Christmas with you, if she’s head over heels in love with you, she’s going to be grateful that you you invite her, but when she’s like, “Oh yeah, let me think about it,” that tells me that she’s just not into this guy and he’s not been paying attention to that. He’s only focused on his feelings towards her. So he thinks just being nice to her, accommodating and being indifferent to her abuse is somehow going to change her attitude, but the problem is she doesn’t respect him as a man and therefore that’s why she continues to jerk him around.

I told her that the offer is there and she is welcome to spend it with us if the decides to. After she told me this, the alarm bells of low attraction were going off. She did however, change her mind and decided to spend Christmas with us. I will add that she is from Poland and also told me that she has some attachment problems due to daddy issues and being in a long, unhappy marriage.

Which apparently she’s been split up from her husband like five years I guess, and still hasn’t started the divorce process.

When you hear and you see things like that, you should not be like, “Let me drop the hammer down and I’ll be Mr. White Knight and save her from her unhappy life.” You want somebody that’s ready, willing, able and open to dating you. So that’s another thing he’s ignoring.

While she was with me on Christmas Day, she spent most of it criticizing the way I organize when and what we eat, etc.

Yeah, because she doesn’t respect you and just like he said, he realized when he invited her to spend Christmas, she had low attraction. I can’t believe he went a whole six months and it didn’t dawn on him that she’s not that into him. So it tells me he’s probably habitually been over-pursuing, probably been needy, probably been desperate to spend time with somebody, and she can feel that. She can sense that.

She told me that in Poland, the food would be flowing all day. I did not give her any emotional responses to this, as I think she was looking for a negative reaction.

I would have said, “Well, if you don’t really want to be here, this is Christmas. We’re spending time together with family, and I don’t want to listen to you berating me and belittling me. You’re here spending time with my family, and all you’re doing is insulting me in front of everybody. So you got two choices: You can apologize and be nice the rest of the day because this is Christmas after all, or you can go home and spend it by yourself. I’m not going to put up with this shit on Christmas Day. Especially you treating me this way in front of my children,” but he just let her walk all over him like a doormat.

I just responded playfully.

So you didn’t stand up to her. You’re just kind of glossing over it and joking around like it’s not a big deal, and all you’re doing is communicating to her that you don’t love, value and respect yourself or your family or your kids. That’s why she was like, “Oh, you just go spend Christmas with your kids,” because the reality is she just didn’t think highly enough of you after six months of dating to even want to hang out with you on Christmas. I mean, that should be a clue that you’re like, way off course, dude.

After Christmas was out of the way and she went back home, the next day sent her a message asking what she had planned for the new year…

So after all this abuse, she leaves, goes back home and already he can’t wait to spend some more holidays with her for more of that attitude.

…And I got no response until after new year came and went. Then she decided to video call me.

Yeah, it’s like you have to be a fucking chump to put up with that and go, “Yeah, that’s normal behavior.” She just spent Christmas with you and your family and you said, “Hey, what are you doing for New Years?” And she completely ignores you until and doesn’t even get in touch until after New Year’s. That should be a clue that that’s not a girlfriend, that’s a friends with benefits, an occasional friends with benefits. Again, it’s like, I don’t know if this guy has actually read 3% Man yet or not, but I’m kind of stunned that I’ve answered video newsletters for him in the past and he is this clueless about what’s going on.

When I asked her why she took so long to call me, she told me that she got triggered while over mine at Christmas and also told me she knows this is not normal behavior.

So here, once again, she’s admitting that she’s basically a fruit loop. I mean, that would just be rude. If somebody invites you to spend Christmas and then you’re going to berate them in front of their kids and their family and complain about everything? Then not even 24 hours later, you’re asking for her to spend more of the holidays with you and your family after she treats you that way? You’re basically telling her you have low self-esteem and that you’re OK with her abusing you and taking you for granted. It’s like, “Thank you. May I have another? Thank you. Can you please abuse me some more?”

She also said she remained quiet to work on herself, start sessions with a therapist and also start the divorce proceedings with the now ex husband as I told her that she should have done this after kicking him out five years ago. She also booked a trip to Poland for the two of us to attend her cousins wedding at the end of August.

Since then, the relationship has been somewhat stable, although around the, “Time of the month,” she would become cold, distant and I would give her time to reach back out to me.

Well, she should be doing 90%-95% of the pursuing at this point. What it seems like is when she became cold is when he would back off, but he still never stopped his over-pursuit because again, you’re constantly communicating that you like the abuse, you like her treating you this way and you like her jerking you around. What you’re doing is you’re constantly rewarding bad behavior with more of your time and your attention.

A common theme that would pop up is that she thinks she would rather be on her own than be in a relationship and she told me this is something she has been working on with her therapist.

Well, the reason why she would rather be on her own than be in a relationship, she just would rather be on her own than be in a relationship with you because her interest is low, beside the fact she’s clearly a screwball.

Fast forward to now. In the last week or so, I have noticed that she has been becoming more and more withdrawn, she appeared no longer happy to see me…

That again tells me he’s trying to spend time with her and completely ignoring the fact she’s just not into it. You can’t go through life and only focus on your feelings and your interests in the girl and keep chasing after somebody who acts like they don’t want you around.

…And has been difficult to talk to while with me although we would still have great sex.

Last Thursday in the morning, she video called me while she was at work on her break for a chat as she usually would. She continued to appear cold and flat. I asked her what was wrong and told her that I noticed a change in her attitude lately.

Lately? It’s always been this way!

At first, she told me that she was struggling with her feelings and felt angry all the time. I pushed her to open up a little more, in the end, she told me that she just does not have any feelings for me and does not love me anymore and said she has no idea why.

Because you act like a bitch, you don’t stand up for yourself, you don’t act masculine at all. You’re just completely ignoring the constant signs of disrespect. Dude, you spent Christmas with her. Instead of being nice, sweet and grateful that she got invited to spend time with you and your family, you absolutely put up with her being a complete jackass to you, your kids and your family. Then you were all too happy to try to get her to spend New Years with you, and she didn’t even bother to contact you back. Then she gets back in touch and you act like everything’s OK. Like that’s alright to treat you that way.

She then said that she would just rather be on her own than have me in her life and told me to go and find another woman instead of being with a crazy woman like her.

“If somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” You’re not going to fix this chick, dude.

I reminded her about the trip we have booked to Poland and she told me she does not think she will be going now.

So again, he’s only focused on, “Oh, I hope this girl likes me. What do I do to get her to like me?” It’s a complete opposite mindset of what’s in the book. You’re basically treating her like the man and the prize, and she treats you like a second class citizen.

I told her yet again if she changes her mind to get in touch and then I hung up the video call. It has now been three days and I have not heard anything from her. I have no intention to ever contact her and will follow the 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and that is, if I want her back in my life.

Why would you want her back in your life? Why would you want to demonstrate any more of this shitty example to your kids? That’s terrible, dude. What are you thinking? Have some self-respect. Jump up and down so your balls finally drop, my God.

Because now I am not sure if I want to carry on having a relationship with someone like that.

Yeah, you should have dipped the first time this happened.

It is hard work. It does still sting, because I have invested a lot into the relationship and have feelings for her.

Well, that’s the problem. You’re only paying attention to your feelings and your investment and you’re completely ignoring that she doesn’t give a fuck about you. If you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch, and that’s what’s going on. On top of that, she’s a lunatic.

I do have the following questions.

1. If she reaches out to me, I understand that she has to do 100% of the pursuing.

Well, you should have been doing that a long time ago, but you clearly have not been listening.

However, do I assume we are not going to Poland for her cousins wedding and see if she brings it up?

Yeah, I wouldn’t bring that up unless she’s head over heels in love with you, treating you great and actually you’re following what’s in the book, I wouldn’t go to her cousin’s wedding and I wouldn’t be in exclusive relationship with her. This should just be kind of a fuck buddy, friends with benefits thing. If the sex is good and you just want to hook up with her, don’t involve her in your kids. If she gets in touch, invite her over when you don’t have the kids or get a babysitter or whatever, and hang out, have fun, hook up and then send her on her way. If she wants to say, “No, I’m sorry. My boys are coming back home.” Maybe your parents have met your aunt or their cousins or whatever. Figure it out, but don’t let her around your kids because she’s not a healthy example. She says, “Why?” Just say, “Because of all the abuse I’ve endured. We’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, we’re just friends with benefits. I don’t want anything beyond that with you based on your behavior.” I personally wouldn’t be involved with somebody like this, but you do you, boo boo. If you like this kind of shit, like whatever.

2. If she does not reach out to me and as we live in the same town, it is highly likely when the kids go back to school that I will see her on the school run as one of her kids attends the same school as mine. If I walk past her, should I just ignore her or say hello to her as I walk past?

I appreciate all your work.

All the best,

Bob

Well, if you make eye contact, smile and acknowledge her, say hello and go about your business. I wouldn’t stop and talk to her. Why would you want to give this person more validation? Bro, have some self-respect, seriously. You got to think of your two boys at this point. What kind of example are you setting for them? Because this is just absolutely atrocious that you put up with this kind of behavior, and you’re still wondering what can you do to spend more time with a woman like this? That’s not good.

You got to stand up for yourself. When somebody crosses a line and abuses you, you don’t just sit there and take it or crack a joke and blow it off, because when you do that, all you’re doing is communicating to her that it’s OK to treat you that way. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. So all this abuse is on you because you allowed it, you invited it. Even after she disrespects you, you don’t even call her out on it. You don’t even check her on it. You just put up with it. It’s a bad, bad way to go, my man.

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