The importance of choosing and vetting women to make sure they are loyal.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email success story with a very unpleasant ending. The number one most important thing to men in a relationship is loyalty. As part of your dating, vetting and courtship process to find the right woman to spend your life with, you must always look at and bottom line their actions. You should trust your girl, but verify that she is honest and loyal through her actions.
As I’ve said in 3% Man and in countless videos over the years, you could be the best boyfriend and husband, but if you are with a liar and a cheater, they will lie to your face and cheat on you given the right circumstances. This email painfully illustrates that fact for all to see.
If you’ve been following me for a while, or you’ve read in 3% Man, and I’ve said this many, many, many times over the years because I’ve done a lot of videos on cheating and lying and that kind of thing, you can be the best boyfriend, you could be the best husband that you can be, because that’s really all you have control over. Those are the controllables, how you show up as a man. You can be the best dude, a loyal, good boyfriend, but if you’re with a liar and a cheater, given the right circumstances, she’s going to cheat on you, and that’s just the way it is.
So, part of the vetting process is trying to find out whether or not she’s a good, trustworthy woman. Does she keep her word? Does she do the things that she says she’s going to do? Is she loyal? Is she faithful? Does she act like she’s in a relationship, or does she act like she’s a single girl, going out clubbing and partying, going on girls weekends away with only girls, and hanging out with only single girls, doing things that a single girl would do, even though she’s in a relationship? All things that you kind of want to look out for. What is she like?
Well, I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but something happened in this guy’s relationship after three years. They were living together, and come to find out, she wasn’t being very faithful. So, this email painfully illustrates what I talk about. You could be the best dude in the world – best husband, best boyfriend, loyal, faithful, do everything right, follow the book – but if you’re with somebody that doesn’t value loyalty, they don’t have the same values, sometimes you find out in the worst way, like this guy did. And I feel for him, it sucks, but at least it happened now, instead of after he’s married or after he has several kids and then finds out that half of his kids aren’t his. This is why you vet. And sometimes when you’re in the vetting process, even though they’re living together and he’s thinking, “This is the one. This is the girl I’m going to marry, the mother of my children,” come to find out, she belongs to the streets.
Well, this is not really a question, but a somewhat successful story with the wrong kind of woman. You see, I’ve read your book 10 times in the past 4 years, I’ve been following your content, and I pretty much own the methods you preach. I can gauge consistently the attraction level of my partner at any time and keep my grind and focus on my purpose in STEM while being her rock.
STEM stands for what? Science, technology, engineering and math, I think. I guess I qualify for that, because I was an engineer.
I met my lady, well, ex lady (I’ll get to that soon), 3 years ago, and we hit it off from the first date. We hung out, had fun and hooked up for 2 months before she brought up exclusivity, and so we did because she really knocked my socks off.
Sounds like a beautiful beginning to a nice movie.
Three years forward, we’re living together and everything’s going great. I’m still following your content and reading the book, and I do my best to make her feel heard and understood. Great sex, as in the beginning. She’s talking about marriage. I’m getting promotions and saving for the ring. Success story, right?
So far, so good. But remember, you could be the best boyfriend in the world, you can follow this stuff to a T, and if you’re with a woman who has no integrity, given the right circumstances, she’s going to cheat on you. It’s who she is, like the scorpion in the frog analogy. And for those of you that don’t know, I’ll just give a quick recap.
There is this long stream and this frogs just kind of swimming out in the pond, swimming around the lilies, looking for a cute girl to hang out with. And then there’s a scorpion over the bank like, “Hey! Hey, Mr. Frog, I need a ride to the other side. Come over. Swim over here. Let me hop on your back and swim me across.” He’s like, “I’m not doing that. You’re a scorpion. You’ll sting me.” He’s like, “Come on. If I’m riding on your back and I sting you, then you’re going to be paralyzed and you’re going to sink, and then we’re both going to drown. Why would I do that?” The frog goes, “Oh, yeah. Makes sense. Okay.”
The frog breast strokes over there, “Alright, hop on my back, Mr. Scorpion.” He says, “Alright. Thanks, Mr. Frog. You’re amazing.” He’s like, “No problem. Mr. Frog at your service here.” He’s paddling across, and all of a sudden, the scorpion stings him. He’s like, “What‘d you do that for?” He’s like, “Now, we’re both going to die.” He goes, “Hey, I’m a scorpion. That’s just what I do.” It is what it is. Life is not easy. Life in nature is very savage.
Well, one night we were watching a movie on her laptop and she fell asleep. I noticed that there was a tab open with the cloud storage service.
You can just see what’s coming, can’t you? Ugh, so horrible.
I was looking at some of our best pictures saved there.
You think, “Memory lane. This is great. Can’t wait to live happily ever after. We’ll have little babies together. It’ll be beautiful, just like in the movies, right?”
Then I saw something strange: there were lots of intimate pictures of her I have never seen before, all sorts.
She’s got a side you didn’t know about.
I found that somewhat odd but gave her the benefit of the doubt. But then a picture that sealed the deal: she was naked in bed with someone else in a very explicit position. My heart sank; It has been a shit show since then. I felt betrayed and I’m not proud of how I handled the breakup. She wants to mend things.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Look how good your game was, and she still did that to you, she still did you dirty. What a dumb bitch.
And says it was only one time…
Sure. Only the one time that she got caught.
…and she felt bad about it.
Oh, wow. She felt bad about it. “Whew! Well, I feel better now. That just solves that problem. She feels bad about it.” God, what a heartless bitch.
I’m not buying it. I’m moving on, as bad as it hurts.
Dude, I know it hurts. It sucks, but good for you for having the testicular fortitude to do that. A lot of guys don’t. They give her another chance, and a third. It’s like, man, I’ve done so many phone sessions over the years with guys that continue to give women like this a chance, and it just keeps happening over and over. Every couple of years, every time he’s deployed or out for business, she’s with another dude.
I really thought she was the one.
Well, that’s part of the problem. There is no such thing as “the one.” We all have lots of different soulmates. There’s not just one. There’s many options.
There were no signs in the book that could help with her deceit.
Well, you judge her by what she does.
She said she didn’t want to tell me because she knew I would break up with her, and she was right; but maybe if she had told me before I saw that picture, I would have accepted to mend things.
It wouldn’t have mattered. You shouldn’t have given her another chance regardless. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If she doesn’t keep her word, she’s out. You can’t tell me that in three years she never did anything and didn’t keep her word. There’s got to be some tells, some signs she gave away.
I just wanted to share my story because sometimes we can be at our best, but when it is with the wrong woman, it will not matter.
I’ve been saying, it’s in the book, it’s in countless videos. Like I said, you could be the best boyfriend, best dude in the world, and if you’re with a liar and a cheater, given the right circumstances… I mean, he had no idea this even happened. Supposedly, it was just one time. But imagine her keeping all those pictures. If it was just one time and it didn’t mean anything, but she kept that whole photo gallery of that dude and her. So, what does that tell you? You don’t really know her as well as you thought you did.
I love myself so much and know my worth. I’m not giving her another chance, because she broke our vows and promises.
Exactly. As Maya Angelou painfully told us all, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Love your work, keep spreading the way of the 3% man. I know I’ll find the one soon.
Dude, the myth of the one, I did a video years ago called that. There’s not “the one.” Maybe that was part of your problem. You want to put all your eggs in one basket and project your fantasy onto her, “Oh, this is the perfect girl.” You may have ignored some red flags. After the stinging wears off, you’ll probably start to notice some inconsistencies and things she’s told you, some hints she’s dropped, and you’ll go, “Oh, I chose to ignore that.” It happens to all of us, because we all project our fantasy of what we want, and we ignore the reality.
I’m ready for marriage and kids, just hoping to get the best partner I can get with my same values.
Well, this is why it’s important to find out what her level of integrity is. If she borrows money from you, does she pay you back? Little things like that. If she says she’s going to bring something over, and then she doesn’t. There are tells. There are things to look for. Is she honest, no matter what? But it’s just unusual for her to do that and have this affair and then keep pictures on a computer like that. It just tells me that something ain’t right. The juice is not worth the squeeze with this one, unfortunately.
And this is the best medicine for you and for her, because she’s going to lose probably the best guy she’ll ever have in her entire life. Because there isn’t going to be another dude that will come along and treat her the way you did. She’s always going to think about you the rest of her life and think about that one night stand. Or who knows how many times it went on. If she was taking pictures with that guy and had a gallery of that dude, he obviously meant more to her than just a one night stand. So, anything that she says is suspect.
It sucks, man. I feel bad for you, but thank God it happened now instead of when you’re married with kids, and then finding out half of your kids aren’t your kids. That happens to so many dudes. I’ve got a friend like that. It’s like, you feel for him, but it happens.
But you dodged a bullet, man. And I appreciate you sharing the story, because there’s going to be dudes watching that. And if your Spidey senses are telling you something is off… Obviously, his Spidey senses were probably going, “Hmm.” He knew he shouldn’t have been snooping around on her computer, but he did it anyway, you know. He found out what he didn’t want to see, but at least he did it. Now you know what you’re dealing with.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur