How to create the conditions where you feel like you are the happiest you have ever been in your life.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email success story from a viewer and coaching client who has been following what I teach for several years. He goes into detail about how he recently ended his latest year-long relationship with a woman he came to realize had very different values and ideas on love, life and raising children.
He shares what he said to her when he was dumping her that gave her peace about the breakup and made it much easier for both of them to move on and find people who are ideally suited for each of them. He also shares some recent career wins he experienced in the film industry. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I first contacted you a couple of years ago when a relationship went south. At the time, I felt as if I wanted her back, yet I was fully engaged in your book, and the 7 rules of to follow with regards to getting an ex back. I have since read your book around 20 times, not to mention done more of my own research with other coaches, and read books on the subject. I have gone to complete a 10-day Vipassana meditation course, which I highly recommend to anyone as well.
(Meditation and going within is a great thing. It’s a great way to calm the mind and to help put yourself in a peaceful and relaxed state. Why? Because we make better decisions when we’re in a peaceful and relaxed state, versus being fearful and worried.)
I have since gone through a year long relationship with a sweet and beautiful girl for the past year, only to discover that she isn’t someone I’d love to have around long term. Every morning, I’d wake up, she’d be there next to me, beautiful and serene, and I was truly happy to have had the experience waking up next to her.
The only thing was, despite all my own applicable knowledge I’ve retained from your book as well as others, upping my standards, I realized I found myself swimming upstream too many times, looking at this girl for who she truly is, and accepting the fact that I will have ZERO influence on her change should it ever occur, and I didn’t even want to bother suggesting it either.
(That’s great, because all of us, men and women both, tend to project our irrational fantasy onto the person we’re dating, and we often ignore the fact they don’t match that, we get upset at them when they don’t match that, or worse, we try to change them.
I like the fact you realized, this is who she is, and it’s stupid to try to change her. Maybe someday she’ll grow and evolve, but you’re not waiting around for that, and it’s not your job to fix her, change her or make her the way you want her to be. You either accept and love her as she is, or you find somebody whose goals and values more closely match your own.)
When she cried and sat down with me to ask me about what it was that she did “wrong” during our relationship to cause my change of heart, I told her this:
(I loved how you phrased this to her, because it totally changed her and made her smile. She realized, “There’s nothing wrong with me. We’re just so different.” A lot of times if you feel like there’s something wrong with you, you think, “Oh, I’m going to change,” but you’ve got to be who you are and find other people that are like-minded and have the same goals and values),
“I would never feel like looking at you or any relationship in the way that you did anything wrong, or even begin to state things about you that are bad, off, or wrong, because that’s not the point. My point is, we as a couple largely disagree on fundamental things regarding love, life and raising children. I look at this as a way of us clearing a path to open up new possibilities for us to encounter new people into our lives that are far better suited to who we are, because I feel love is more about acceptance than asking someone else to change for us.”
(Nice job dude. This is what happens when you read the book 10-20 times. You know it backwards and forwards. It just becomes you. It’s a different mindset. It’s a way of thinking, showing up and interacting with the world and other people.)
“I’d never ask you to change for me, and I don’t think it’s a great idea for you to ask that of me ever either. I’m so thankful that I met you, and that we got to know each other like this.” She stopped crying, gave me the biggest hug and understood what I was saying.
(That’s awesome dude. That was the truth. You weren’t bullshitting her. You were just saying, our goals and values are just different, and it’s stupid for either one of us to try and change the other, because all we’re going to end up doing in the end is resenting it.)
I have also since realized how my own mother has been an overbearing mother to me, how I’ve experienced a “Tiger/Turtle” life with her my entire life. I have finally come to terms with it, and have been able to understand what exactly has been going on in my own mind my entire life.
At present, I am the happiest I have ever been since I was 25 years old, at age 43. I just got back from shooting a feature film and got huge accolades behind the scene from one of the biggest stunt coordinators in the film business. I credit both you and myself for having asked myself the questions I needed answered, looking for the answers, and finding your book and online videos that set me on a course to look for the answers.
What I love about your advice on reading the book 10-15 times is, you learn something new each time and encounter yourself more each time you read it. Instead of memorizing things, it becomes you. I agree 200% with you. If you want something in life, you have to just suck it up and get to learning.
(Thanks for the great success story and sharing with us what you said to your ex-girlfriend to let her down and explain things in a way that was authentic, real, from the heart, and didn’t make her or you the bad guy. It was just, hey this is who I am, this is who you are, and it was a great run, but it’s time for us to create spaces in each of our lives so we can attract somebody who is more ideally suited for us. That’s a fucking great job.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Success is being able to spend your life in your own way, to be able to have complete ownership of your time, so you can spend it how you want and with whom you want. Happiness and success are a result of feeling like you are making progress towards accomplishing your grandest goals and dreams. Successful, happy and fulfilled people perpetually focus on reasons to be excited, hopeful and grateful for their lives as they are, while they continue the pursuit of their outcomes. Happiness is a choice, not a destination. It is the result of constantly choosing to assign a positive, empowering and hopeful meaning to the circumstances of your life. You don’t always have control over what happens to you, but you always get to choose what it means to you. Choose wisely.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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