The many ways men over pursue women for attention and approval and how to avoid them.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has come to realize that he still has a problem over pursuing women that he really likes to the point of turning them off. He recently had a new 3 month relationship go sideways after he over pursued and made it obvious that he was way more into her than she was into him.
She told him that she was unsure of the relationship and he got mad and started arguing with her. She broke things off. Now he regrets his behavior and wants her back.My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
So I’ve got an email from this particular guy, this has always been his problem. He’s called too much. He’s texted too much. He’s tried too hard. He’s tried to force himself into his girl’s life. The things he does are controlling. She can feel that. He smothers her, that kind of thing.
So it’s always been a problem. Obviously, reading a book like mine, 3% Man 10-15 times hopefully, if you’re a serious student, and you really want to get this part of your life handled once and for all, and you don’t want to just cry about how awful women are on the internet. There are some communities of men out there, I don’t need to mention which ones, but that’s all they do, is they cry about single moms and women and modern women and how horrible they are. If you want to get a handle, you read my book and you’ll be a serious student.
However, when you’re trying to overcome over-pursuing, well what is causing the over-pursuing? So typically the over-pursuing basically boils down to deep down, you are ruled by one of your two primary fears that all humans have. Number one, fear that we’re not enough. In other words, you don’t have to take we don’t have what it takes to be successful, or fear that we won’t be loved.
In this case, he definitely doesn’t feel like he’s good enough for her and he fears he won’t be loved. So what does he do? He tries to force himself. It’s super important when you’re dating women that they feel free to come and go, that you don’t come unglued, that you don’t get butt-hurt, you don’t get perturbed. You don’t get upset if you don’t hear from her, because masculinity is calm. If you’re always calm and you take things in, you contemplate on it and then you slowly respond instead of reacting like an overly emotional jack-in-the-box, which this guy appears to have been doing, especially at the end there when things blew up in their relationship, it’s just a bad way to go.
If you, deep down, are worried that you’re not going to be loved and you, deep down, don’t feel like you got what it takes to keep her in your life, everything you do, everything you say is going to be communicating a lack of confidence or a belief in yourself, and you will soon start to communicate to the girl that you’re way more into her than she is into you. The reality is, despite what women will say, is that women like you more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them.
Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. In other words, the woman should be seeking your attention and validation. It’s feminine energy to be unsure of oneself, to be unsure of where you stand. So guys who over pursue, that constantly need reassurance that the woman still cares, they’re constantly communicating a lack of confidence and like they don’t deserve to be there. Eventually when a woman picks up on that, she starts to back away. Predictably, the guys start to pursue more to the point where the power flips. That’s what you’ll see here in this email.
The power flipped in the relationship to where she was seeking his attention and validation, and things were going great, to as soon as the power flips and it’s the other way around where he’s seeking her attention and validation most of the time, then she starts backing away, losing interest. He starts smothering her. She backs away more. She even called him a leech because of the clingy nature. It’s what happens when a guy doesn’t get enough strokes for mom and dad. I can’t remember who said this quote but, “A parent’s job is to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so full that the world cannot poke enough holes in it to drain it dry.”
So guys who over pursue unfortunately did not get their bucket of self-esteem filled up enough by their parents. So without realizing it or not, they’re going to the girls that they’re dating hoping to get their bucket of self-esteem filled up, when in reality, you’re supposed to be the rock. You’re supposed to be the mountain. You’re supposed to be calm. You’re supposed to be the masculine one. You’re supposed to be direct. You’re supposed to be decisive. You’re supposed to get to the point. You go for the things you want. You know what you want. You know WHY you want it, and you have emotionally compelling reasons WHY you want what you want in life, and then you go after it.
Masculine energy, after all, is purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers, overcoming challenges. Us guys are naturally driven to do things to try to fix things in life. It’s required when you’re building something, you have a career, you’re making things happen in your life, but when it comes to women and creating attraction, you’ve got to think of it more like a game of tennis. You hit the ball over the net and you got to wait for her to hit it back. In other words, you have to have a healthy enough self-esteem where you allow her, because love is allowing after all, to create the conditions in the space where she can come to you at her pace. Therefore, the relationship and spending time together mostly becomes her idea.
You’ll see here as the guy over pursues and he tends to do things like grand gesture dates and he’s a little rigid in his application of things in the book, a little robotic, a little controlling, and the only reason he’s controlling is that he fears that she’s not really going to want to stick around.
You hear this a lot but thank you for everything!
You already answered one of my emails about a year ago. I over-pursued a woman, and she left me heartbroken and lost. Your words hit me like a sledgehammer but opened my eyes and since then I have read the book twice and dated numerous women.
So over a year ago, I answered an email for this guy. I’m sure I told him to read the book 10-15 times, and over a year later. What is his progress? He’s read it a whole two times. Not a serious student. So he’s writing me once again because he didn’t take the time to learn the information that was in the book, and he’s basically making the same mistakes, albeit a little bit differently.
About three months ago, I (28) met a woman (25) that checked a lot of boxes and with whom I felt a genuine connection. I applied all your principles, and everything went smoothly. Her interest level kept rising over time to the point where we were seeing each other twice a week and she would schedule our next date while we were still hanging out.
So she had high interest. She’s seeking his attention and validation. Everything was going smooth, right?
Everything was going smoothly so far. Our schedules did not match at all, but we still found time for each other.
Women help you when they like you. At least at that time, she was into you.
After a month of going on dates, we had a small hiccup. She said she needed to talk and told me that she did not feel comfortable going on big dates all the time. She enjoys the small things in life and sometimes is tired from work and would like to stay home or just go for a walk. I agreed to that, and we started doing those small things she enjoys. I was OK with this sacrifice.
Yeah, it doesn’t matter what you do. I mean, a date really is just spending time together. It could be a picnic. It could be making dinner at home together. It could be grilling out some steaks or chicken or shrimp on the barbie, the barbecue or whatever. Going for a walk in the park. Doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive.
The important thing is that you’re spending quality time together, to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out and to hook up. So this guy’s a little too rigid, he insists on going out on a date where she gets dressed up, he goes and he picks her up, he takes her somewhere and it’s got to be this routine every time they get together.
The key is she wants you to be there. She wants your presence. So be present with her. If she’s tired, then do something at home. Maybe some naked Twister and some Chinese food or something.
After that discussion, she started becoming a little bit less affectionate and interested. She got very sick during that period and had to work extra hours to make up for the lost money. Seeing each-other became difficult and we often could only hangout later at night during weekdays. She would often say, “You can come over any time you want,” but would not say, “I want you to come over.” To me it did not sound like genuine desire.
Well, when she says, “You can come over any time you want,” she’s basically letting you know the door is open and all you have to do is walk through it. So I would say part of the problem, again, this guy read the book twice in over a year, so he’s cherry picking things here and there. So he’s acting like a robot.
This is exactly one of the reasons why I say you got to read it 10-15 times. He’s trying to copy and paste every one of his responses in here, but he doesn’t realize that the vibe that he’s giving off is one of being too controlling. He’s thinking, “I have to go out on a date. I must pick you up. I must drive you somewhere. We must go to dinner.” So if she’s working late and she’s not available until 10:00 at night, you’re probably not going out and doing some grand gesture date.
I mean, just getting together, hanging out, having fun, hooking up, beating up her pelvis and giving her multiple orgasms would be enough for her, but when you’re too rigid, you’re inflexible and you insist on things being a certain way, it’s not really easy-going type of dude.
Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. So when a guy is controlling, it’s because he feels like he doesn’t control the situation. He’s going to lose control of the whole thing and she’ll disappear, but when you’re constantly chasing and over-pursuing, she feels like she’s smothered and she’s going to naturally back away.
The next few weeks we got to see each-other less and less. I felt like the dynamic switched and I was the one more interested in her now.
Yeah, you should have matched and mirrored those actions. If she’s too busy to get together and do things, no big deal. You’ll see her when things slow down. The idea is you should be going slower than she is, but this guy is obviously trying to go too fast because he doesn’t really know what he’s doing. His game sucks, because again, he read the book twice in in over a year. That’s not very many times.
Last Monday is when everything went down. She said she needed to talk to me on the phone. My response was that I don’t really feel like chit-chatting on the phone and why doesn’t she instead tell me when she is free so we can go on a date and talk in person.
If you’re dating for three months and she’s like, “Hey, I need to talk to you.” “Hey, I’ll stop by. I’ll grab a bottle of wine and come on over and we can hang out. I’d love to see you,” whatever. Or, “Why don’t you come over?” Something simple like that, but he’s like, “No, we must go on a date. You must get dressed up. I must pick you up and I must take you to the restaurant. I must take you to the happy hour. Then I must take you to a third place. Then I must take you home, seduce you and beat up your pelvis in a session of the indoor Olympics. I must do what the book says.”
There’s your robot for the day.
I also made it clear that I was not interested in going to her place at 11 p.m. only to talk a bit and fall asleep.
Yeah dude, when you’re dating three months, again, this is a casual process. You start out going on dates, but the idea as you become closer to one another, you’re at her house, she’s at yours, if you’re three months down the road, it’s like you guys should be seeing each other every night, but it doesn’t get to that place. It doesn’t get to that casual thing, because he will only see her unless he can go out on a big date, which is silly. If she wants to talk, he should be like, “Hey, I’ll swing by. I’ll grab a bottle of wine and come on over.” Then he could have talked and then hung out, had fun and hook up, but he didn’t.
I was expecting her to tell me that she would love to see me, but instead I was met with complete indifference. She said that this week she would be working 7 days and would be extremely tired so most probably we would only be able to see each-other at night as usual.
It’s not a big deal. That’s just life. Life’s getting in the way, but he’s like, “I must fit my date schedule. I must do what Corey said in his book.”
She then called me and told me that for the last two weeks she felt distant and unsure about the relationship.
That tells me that he’s definitely way more into her than she is into him. She feels smothered. He’s being too rigid, too controlling, too difficult. The vibe he’s given off communicates that deep down, he doesn’t feel like he deserves to be there. It’s a lack of confidence.
She felt like I needed more than she could give me…
In other words, he’s probably getting upset. He’s mad they don’t spend enough time together. She can feel that he wants her around more than she actually wants to be around. So it went with things where she’s chasing him to, just like he said, where the power flipped. Since he doesn’t know the material in the book, he didn’t even realize it was happening until it was too late.
So this is two women that this guy screwed up with. Granted, I don’t know whether these are good women or not, or they had good character or not, but the bottom line is he’s got rejected for exactly the same reason. Over-pursuing.
…And that she couldn’t make me happy.
He’s probably getting butt-hurt and upset when she wasn’t able to do the things that he wanted.
But what really surprised me was this: She felt like I was too clingy.
Duh! Clingy and needy, because mom and dad didn’t give this guy enough strokes as a kid. So he’s constantly needing attention and validation that she likes him today. That’s just not masculine at all. That’s the kind of thing an insecure little girl would do. So that’s going to repulse all women. You just can’t behave this way.
She wasn’t talking about texting and initiating dates, she was talking about me wanting to hug her and kiss her all the time when we were together.
So that tells me that you’re always very handsy and you’re touching her instead of letting her initiate contact.
What that tells me is you don’t understand the process of seduction. You don’t understand what to look for. You’re touching her when she’s not open to be touched, and you’re completely clueless and unaware of that. You’re touching her and being affectionate when she’s just not ready to be touched or ready to be kissed.
She told me that I am like a “leech.”
Well, if the only time you will agree to see her is if you do it with some kind of grand gesture date, then it’s like everything becomes like you trying to shoehorn yourself into her life. She called you a leech. That’s very clingy. That’s not good.
I did everything to not over pursue this woman but somehow, I still did.
Yeah. You were lying to yourself. You were bullshitting yourself.
She said that she still felt attachment towards me, but also that she couldn’t satisfy my need for physical contact and was unsure about things going forward.
If you had followed instructions and read the book 10-15 times, she would be the one wanting more sex from you than you did from her. Instead it was the other way around.
It’s like you’re the horny virgin teenager that has absolutely no self-awareness and no understanding of women and how to seduce them properly, which is all laid out in the book, but you didn’t feel it was worth your time to read it. So over a year ago, the last time I did a video newsletter for you, you got rejected because you over-pursued. Here we are, a year and a half later, you only felt it was worth your time to read this beautiful book twice.
If you listen to the audio book on two speed and follow along in a digital or physical copy, you can get through it in four hours. So you basically spent a whole eight hours in the last, what? Year, year and a half? That’s just half-assing it. So you deserve to get rejected.
You got rejected for exactly the same reasons as the last girl rejected you. You didn’t want to learn the fundamentals because you were lazy, you half-assed it and now you just completely blew this thing up in your face. I don’t know how many more times you want to go through this and get rejected for the same reason before you go, “You know what? Maybe I should follow instructions.” I don’t know. Maybe in a year, year and a half, I’ll be reading another email and you’ll be telling us how you over-pursued and read the book only one more time after this.
Eventually the discussion got heated…
Because he lost his shit and he turned into a jack-in-the-box, and he was upset because deep down he was afraid. What was he afraid of? He’s afraid that she’s not going to love him and he doesn’t have what it takes to be loved.
…Because she brought back the thing about going out on big dates and how this is an issue for her even though I did not propose anything extravagant after we talked about it.
The reason she brought it up, and you’re using logic and reason to try to win this argument, is she’s trying to communicate to you it has nothing to do with the dates. It has to do with how you’re making her feel. The reason she’s referencing the extravagant dates is because you’re still making her feel like you’re needy, you’re clingy, you’re controlling.
I felt like she was being unfair and broke things up out of anger. Now I feel stupid for acting on my emotions and would like to get her back. Should I just walk away? Please give me your honest opinion on this whole situation.
So I don’t really understand what you’re saying. “I felt like she was being unfair and broke things up out of anger.” You broke things up out of anger, or she did?
If she’s pushing you away and asking for space, if you were the one that broke it off, then yeah. Just like 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, you got to try to fix it, but more than likely because you’ve turned her off so much, she’s probably not going to want to rekindle things right away. Then you’ll have to just say, “Hey well, call me if you change your mind.” Then when she does reach out, you’re going to apply exactly what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.
It’s like at some point, when are you going to get tired of this? I mean, all this time you had with her, all this time that’s transpired since the last time this happened, then you do basically exactly the same thing. Maybe in different ways, but at the end of the day, neediness, clinginess, controlling everything, only seeing her unless it’s under certain conditions, you’re not being very flexible, being too rigid, acting like a robot. Of course it’s going to turn her off.
That’s what I would do if I were you my man. You got to be a serious student if you want to get this part of your life handled. Or if you really like getting rejected for the same reasons every year, year and a half, when you meet a girl you like, it’s on you. It’s your life. Obviously, you’re not that bummed or upset about it, so whatever.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur