The One Who Got Away?

What you should do if you are dating a woman who has an ex in the background that she feels was the one who got away.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who started dating a woman who had recently gotten out of a physically abusive relationship. They worked together and had simply been friends but started dating and hooking up for about six months. Then her ex came back into the picture, and she started seeing him again because she was still emotionally anchored to him. Things got messy pretty quickly.

The second is an email success story from a guy who I did a video newsletter for about five years ago titled, “The Second Date.” He shares his success story of what has happened in the last five years that led to him getting married and living happily ever after. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

This is super important. You just see the same thread over and over. A lot of times guys are trying to have a good, healthy relationship with a woman who’s just hell on wheels, basically. And my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” will help a lot, but you can’t make good wine from bad grapes. There are just some people that are feral humans, and it’s not your job to save save them, fix them or help them.

It’s just like trying to help somebody that’s got a drug or an alcohol problem. Until they recognize that they have a problem, you can’t help them. So, you just wish them the best and move on with your life, because life is just too short to put up with feral humans. All you’ve got to do is get in your car and hop on the road, and they all drive slow in the left lane and they cut you off. They zip by you when you’re doing eighty miles an hour, and they’re three feet off your your front bumper, because they have to get in front of you, and then they slow down when they get in front of you.

So, we have enough of them that we have to deal with in society. The last thing you want to do is have one in your inner circle, in your intimate relationships. Some people you can’t reach. If they were screwed up before you met them, it’s not your job to be Mr. White Knight and try to fix all of their problems.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

So, my marriage failed, and I hooked up with a colleague who had just got out of a physically abusive relationship.

So, people that stay in physically abusive relationships, they typically are going to have self-esteem issues. In other words, deep down, they don’t think they’re worthy of it and worthy of something healthy. And oftentimes you see especially women that are in these abusive relationships.

I just was reading a letter the other day that was actually one that Marilyn Monroe had written to Joe DiMaggio, who apparently, from what I had read, was very physically abusive towards her. And she was apologizing for what she had done to set him off, in essence. So you see those kinds of behaviors, that she apologizes to her abuser, when it’s really the abuser who is the one with the problem.

I was 33, she was 26 and way out of my league.

Obviously, that’s not a good mindset. So thinking a woman is out of your league, you’re already putting yourself in a fearful state, that you’re going to fear losing her, and you become attached and you do and say things that are just simply not masculine and attractive, because you don’t think you’re worthy. And obviously, at some point, usually pretty quickly, most women are going to pick up on that, and that’s when they start to back away and test you. And then more of that. In other words, the more of your self perception is being undesirable causes you to behave even more undesirable and turn her off even quicker.

I couldn’t believe it, while we had always been close friends in and out of work, I had done everything to be friendzoned — was excessively nice, let her get away with so much and put my neck on the line for her more than once.

The thing everybody fails to notice when they’re doing things like that is, it’s not reciprocated. She’s not reciprocating this kind of behavior. It’s like you’re throwing yourself into a puddle of water so she doesn’t get her feet wet, and you let her walk across your back, but she would never do anything to return the favor or do something nice in return.

But somehow it happened, and I hooked up with the girl at work everyone wanted. Things were incredible for 6 months…

The reality is attraction is not a choice. She already liked him, and that’s the thing that most people don’t realize. There’s just some women that, for whatever reason, you push their buttons, you do it for them.

When a different ex-boyfriend showed up. Having been friends for so long before, I knew all about him. He was the one who got away, love of her life, unfinished business, etc.

So obviously, it’s pretty clear that she doesn’t do a good job of picking out guys to date. And again, that comes from not having a good, strong, healthy, masculine father around.

So, I told her, “If you think you can make it work and you’ll be happier with him, then make the decision,” and I backed off. 

So you’re dating this girl for six months and she’s like, “Oh, hey, my ex-boyfriend’s back in the picture, and I think I want to explore things with him.” Okay, yeah, we’ll just pause on our relationship, and you can go back to having sex with him and seeing if it’ll work.” At that point, I would have been like, “Hey, we’ve been seeing each other for six months. If you’re telling me you want to now date your ex-boyfriend, well, I’m going to date other women, and I probably don’t want to date you anymore at all,” and friendzone her.

Why would you want to date somebody that wants to break up with you to go back to somebody who sucked and was abusive? It’s just not worth it. Because what would change? It didn’t work the first time. With somebody like this, it’s probably not going to work second time around.

Again, it’s a different situation where you’re dating a good quality woman, and you’re just doing things to screw it up and turn her off. But in this particular case, he’s doing things, obviously, to turn her off, and on top of that, she’s not really a good prospect. So you have two negatives going on there. And obviously, what I work with with guys is helping them correct their behavior, with my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man.”

He vanished nearly as soon as he appeared, but things didn’t go back the way they were between us. She wanted my constant attention but nothing else. This was when I discovered you. After a quick google search, I found your website and read some of your work. I applied the principles, and by the end of the day, we were having sex. I didn’t cherry pick. I instantly bought both of your books, (I’m only halfway through 3% Man at this point), and subscribed to your coaching as soon as I got home. 

Notice how he says, “I wasn’t cherry picking,” but “I’ve only read half of the book.”  So, obviously, he’s had it for a while. So, yeah, you’re cherry picking, bro.

Just as things were getting back on track, the abusive ex started sniffing around her again. He fit the description you wrote about control freaks and abusive men in 3% Man perfectly.

Obviously, it sounds like she’s got some daddy issues there.

I didn’t make a big deal of it, because they did have things they needed to sort out — getting his name off the lease and bills, who got the TV, who got the car, etc. But he kept reappearing, being so charming, and she was fooling for it. I told her “If she was stupid enough to fool for it again, then she deserved him.” I said I would fight for her but not over her.

Yeah, it’s like, why would you want to fight for somebody that’s like, “Hey, I think I want to take a time out and go see if I can rekindle things with the old abusive ex-boyfriend,” who she’s still on the lease with, apparently. And so, it sounds like this guy was before the other ex who was abusive physically. So obviously, she’s not making good romantic choices.

She kept seeing him, which was pissing me off, but I didn’t know how to deal with it. Soon enough though, his charming mask slipped, and his true self came back out. She was finally done. This was when she came back to me madly in love saying things like, she realized she was lying to herself, and I am “all she ever wanted.”

She’s completely driven by her emotions and has no idea or even contemplates why she feels the way she feels. She’s just going with her emotions and what feels right, even if it’s messed up. Because, again, she didn’t learn that growing up.

She wanted to be together all the time and was being the perfect girlfriend. So much, I couldn’t remember the last time I slept in my own bed. Then about a month ago, she said she wanted us to take a break. I’m getting too much and I hadn’t changed at all, but it was obvious in the previous weeks she had been losing interest.

Again, you never you never read “How To Be A 3% Man,” because you’re like, “Hey, I cherry picked a few things,” even though you told me “I wasn’t cherry picking.” It’s like, dude, you were cherry picking.

I applied the principles I learnt, and soon enough we were having sex again. Then it repeats itself. It’s become a bad joke.

Again, because you haven’t learned the fundamentals. You’re not following instructions. It’s like you’re only coming back to my work when there’s a problem. And the idea is you want to learn the material. That’s why I say read 10 to 15 times, so you’re consistent. Because you are consistently inconsistent, and that’s why her behavior’s all over the ice.

I’m not asking for advice; I just want to say thanks. Listening to your video coaching I started putting the pieces together and I figured out why her behavior was so up and down and occasionally toxic, while she appeared to have the perfect family life, coming from a wealthy, upper class family. I saw everything wasn’t as it appeared on the surface. The daddy and abandonment issues were all there. It was a hard realization to make, but I accepted I cannot fix her and it’s not my job either.

Well, that’s good. That’s that’s the important thing.

What I really want to thank you for though is pointing out how most toxic and flakey women end up this way, because of a lack of a strong father figure. Me and my ex-wife have a baby daughter. Listening to you made me realize how truly important it is that I am there for her growing up. To that end, I have worked hard to remain amicable with my ex and be there for my daughter no matter what.

Bob

Well, I think that’s awesome, dude, because the last thing the world needs is another fucked up chick, because there’s lots of them out there. And obviously right now, you have the power to do something about it. But again, she needs to see a good example of a healthy relationship. And that’s why you need to read “How To Be A 3% Man” 10 to 15 times and not cherry pick and half the book. Because you’re just not going to get sustainable success, especially if you meet somebody that’s actually a good catch. And then, if you haven’t overcome this needy, insecure, doormat type of behavior, eventually you’ll turn off a really good prospect and that’ll sting.

It’s it’s different for every guy. Guys will sit there, and it’s literally thousands of dudes watching this video, and they’re like, “Yeah, I’ve got to get around to that book. Yeah, I’m going to do that, Corey. Hey, this girl, we’re hooking up and everything’s great. I don’t need to read your whole damn book. I’m different. I’m smart. My memory is really good,” whatever it happens to be. And then six months later, you know, “I need to do a phone session right away!”

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey Wayne,

I wrote you early in my “new dating” life, and luckily you responded with this video, “The Second Date.” It’s been 5 years since that video, and since then I have married an amazing woman and dated several high-quality women along the way.  It took about 1-2 years before it all “clicked” for me. 

The principles that worked for me were understanding how to set up/perform a date, (hang out, have fun, hook up), and how to act when not together, (not being needy). Although, I’ve always been called handsome and charismatic, until I learned these teachings, the girls I wanted always left me.

I am writing to thank you, (you have literally helped changed the trajectory of my life!), and to provide some hope to those out there who may still be unfulfilled in their dating life. Once you really learn these principles, you’ll find that anything dating related is almost exclusively in your court… who to date, when to date, marriage?  It’s all up to you.  Good looking or not, rich or not, in shape or not, women only focus on how they “feel” with you. 

Absolutely true. All you’ve got to do is look at the last email — a woman is driven by her emotions, good and bad. Whether she makes good choices, bad choices, it doesn’t matter. She’s just riding the wave of emotions, because there was no father there to teach her how to chill, how to be chill and not be a feral human and not spend her time with douchebags.

Once you stop focusing on attachment with them, (“What are we?”), and just focus on having a good time and hooking up, they flock to you.

All I can say is read the book, watch the videos, apply it in your own life, and know that it will TAKE TIME to fully understand this stuff, and you’ll be successful.  Over time I realized that dating became VERY predictable, but luckily spending time with an amazing woman is always fulfilling.

Can’t thank you enough Corey. You truly help people fulfill such an important pillar of a great life.

Thank you for everything,

Bob

Well, thanks for the good success story, Bob. And if you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man” yet or my second book, “Mastering Yourself,” if you go to UnderstandingRelationships.com and subscribe to the email newsletter, you can read both of them on my website for free.

Obviously, if you like these sweet, ‘She Belongs To The Streets!’ mugs to remind you to stay away from feral women, go to Teespring.com and search for the Coach Corey Wayne store.

“When it comes to intimate relationships, there is no greater predictor of a person’s behavior and suitability as a romantic partner than their relationship with their parents. People who grow up in balanced and healthy homes with a strong masculine father and feminine mother tend to make the best dating prospects. A lack of a strong masculine father typically results in feral human behavior, drama, no chill factor, bad communication and a lack of emotional self-control. When cheating, lying and infidelity are part of their upbringing; they tend to become more narcissistic, selfish and devious. This is not always the case, but it’s highly unlikely that people who come from broken homes get the therapy and self-help necessary to remedy their flaws. It’s not your job to save or fix anybody, but to become the best version of yourself so that you can attract someone who matches and mirrors your healthy behavior really well.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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