The process and mindset of getting her back after no contact works and she starts reaching out again.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work after his relationship of 2 years ended. After about a month of no contact his ex contacted him. They got back together, but he has been making all of the effort and she is making little to no effort.
He just doesn’t feel she is that into him and he wants her to passionately want him again. He asks what he can do to flip the power dynamic since he’s doing all the work. He displayed a lot of weakness prior to the breakup and it feels just like it did before their breakup. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I imagine he probably went through 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, which should be the guideline and the principles that if you’re in that particular situation, you know what to do so you give yourself the best possible chance of attracting the ex back.
In this case, this guy displayed a lot of unattractive behavior here and did a lot of beta male things, lost his cool, got overly emotional and did the opposite of acting like what a man acts like, and turned her off to the point where she lost all respect and attraction for him to the point where she dumped him. So he went no contact.
The idea with no contact is not a technique. It’s not a strategy. You have to look at it like you’re making a deal. Your side of the deal, you want sex and romance and you want to stay together, and on her side, she’s interested in friendship only or not being with you or having anything to do with you at all because she’s lost her attraction and her respect for you.
If she’s uninterested in sex and a relationship and that’s all you want and she says, “Hey, we can still be friends,” you’re not going to stick around for just friends because you love and value yourself. As a man, you should be outcome focused. So you’re focused on what you want to create for your personal life, which is somebody who’s enthusiastic to be with you, not somebody who you’re trying to beg and get their attention and validation from.
In this particular case, he went no contact. In about a month or so later, she got back in touch, but he made the mistake because more than likely he didn’t take the time to read 3% Man, didn’t really get to the point where he understood my work, he cherry picked some videos and as soon as she reached back out, he basically kind of went right back to the behaviors that got him rejected in the first place.
Guys that don’t know any better do this because in this particular case, when you’re trying to get an ex back and you’re the one that got dumped, you didn’t want to be dumped and you want to keep her, but she doesn’t want to keep you, since she unilaterally ended the terms of the relationship, she’s got to fix it. She’s got to be the one to do all the calling, texting and pursuing, because his mindset should be, “I will give her a chance to win me over and have remorse and realize that she made a mistake by dumping me.”
Therefore, in these cases, when after the period of no contact, she reaches back out and says she misses you, then you have to let her do all the pursuing because she pushed you away. She ended it. She’s the one that said, “Hey, I’m not participating in this relationship anymore. I don’t want to be a party to it. I’m out of here.” Therefore, she should be trying to get your attention and validation to win you over and convince you why you should give her another chance.
You could see as we go through this, the guy is doing the opposite of that. So she reached back out and now he’s doing all the pursuing. His problem is, is that he’s making all the effort and she’s making no effort. As a matter of fact, the way it feels to him is it feels just like it did before the breakup where he’s making all the effort and she could really care one way or another.
What you have to understand and the guys that have read the book understand is that it takes time for a woman to fall in love. It takes time for her to fall out of love. Once she starts coming back, it’s going to take time for her to fall back in love. You don’t go from being broken up for two months, to all of a sudden she reaches out and the very next day you’re in a relationship again. It’s a slow process, and this guy tried to speed it up.
In most cases, what guys have done is literally chased the girls out of their lives by pursuing, calling and texting too much. They go no contact, a month or two goes by, and all she may be hearing through the grapevine is he’s moved on with his life. He’s having a good time, and there are other girls around that are interested in him, and she starts to wonder, “Wow, it’s like it doesn’t really seem like it’s affecting him that much. He seems to have moved on pretty easy pretty quickly,” and this has a positive effect on her attraction. Then what happens is she starts to reach out and is typically like, “Hey, how you been? Hey, I was thinking about you. Hey, I miss you,” or whatever. It’s not, “Hey, I want to get back together. Let’s start today.” It doesn’t work that way.
As I talk about in 3% Man, this guy should have read, because it would have helped prepare him to better handle these things, is that a man’s job in the courtship is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out and to hook up. Then when she leaves, say, “Call me later,” and let her reach back out because again, she blew the relationship up. She has to fix it, because she’s the one that recognizes that her feelings have changed because he didn’t chase after her, he didn’t run after her.
The problem is that when she does come back, he goes right back to all the pursuing. Her interest went like this. It was going up for the no contact period. Then when she reached back, it got to a point where it was high enough where she reached back out. They started hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Got back together officially right away, and then he went right back into pursuing.
What this does is it gets in the way of her feelings returning and continuing to go up to the point where she falls in love. So he starts over pursuing and basically acting like a woman because his game really hasn’t changed very much since the breakup. Then her interest had gone like this. Then it starts going back down again, and that’s where this guy is at. He’s making all this effort, putting all this energy into it, but he’s really the only one doing that.
That is why, as I discussed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, in this guy’s situation, he should be letting her come back to him at her pace. You don’t start pursuing somebody when you already over pursued them to the point and did so many unattractive things where they didn’t want anything to do with you anymore. So he, in essence, has gone right back to the same behavior that turned her off in the first place.
Her feelings are going in the wrong direction and that’s not good. So he’s screwing up a good chance here to attract her back, which is what he wants. My job as a coach is to help him get that, but he’s not following the instructions. He’s not reading the book. He’s cherry picking the videos and half-assing it. Instead of her interest continuing to go up and her falling back in love, she’s actually becoming more distant and he’s putting in more effort and he notices there’s just no enthusiasm. We all deserve to have somebody in our lives who’s excited to be with us, and if they’re not, then you’re going to go spend your time with somebody who is excited to be with you.
I’ve applied all of your advices to get back with my girlfriend and they worked like a charm. Long story short, we broke a few months ago, after a two year relationship. We were deeply in love…
Well, he was deeply in love. Women don’t dump men that they’re in love with. So he might have still been in love with her, but when she dumped him, she didn’t care because her feelings were gone. That’s typically what women do. When a woman does the dumping, it’s usually because their feelings are mostly gone and she’s over it.
…Spent a lot of time together and made plans for the future even though we are quite young. I thought that relationship had no expiration date.
Women don’t care about what a great guy you are or what a great boyfriend you’ve been. They only care about how they feel about you today. That’s it. It only matters how she feels about you today.
Boy, was I wrong.
Yeah, he’s basically expecting his girlfriend to love him in the same way that his parents do, and it’s just not how it works. You got to act like a man consistently. A man that she admires, that she respects, that she looks up to, that she seeks his attention and validation, because he’s shown through his actions that he’s actually worthy of it. That he’s a competent man. Competent and confident and he acts masculine almost all the time.
A couple of months right before we broke up things changed. She preferred to hangout with her friends instead of me. We got in silly fights all the time…
More than likely because he was butt-hurt. She wasn’t into him as much and she wasn’t spending time with him. So he’s getting mad at her because she doesn’t want to spend time with him instead of recognizing, then again most guys don’t recognize this, that she’s lost attraction. Therefore, she doesn’t want to spend time with them because she’s not feeling it. That’s the important thing.
…And most importantly we stopped getting intimate.
Well, your relationship was over then at that point. It’s just the “break up,” the big fight that women typically pick to do at the end of the relationship or the ending of the relationship, was the only thing that was missing, but once she stopped sleeping with you, you were friends. You were in friend zone and you didn’t realize it and you’re getting mad and you’re getting pissed off at her shows that you’re perturbed and you’re butt-hurt. That’s not attractive. Masculinity is calm, and you are the opposite of that. Notice what he says in the next paragraph.
I couldn’t take it anymore and I didn’t know at the time how to handle the situation. So I got overly emotional at certain times, which probably was the turning point where she started losing my respect.
Well, she had already been losing her respect and attraction. That’s why she was spending time with her friends and not with you, because she wasn’t feeling like she wanted to spend time with you. Because she wasn’t attracted to you, because you went into a slow spiral of unattractive behaviors and you didn’t even realize it.
Had you read the book, a lot more of these light bulbs would have gone off. You can’t half-ass it, dude. You got a two year relationship you’re trying to save, and you’re not even willing to learn the fundamentals to do it? Come on, man.
I acted like a bitch without any confidence. Thus, I lost her. We mutually broke up…
“We mutually broke up.” Yeah, right. No, you got dumped bro, but guys do that, “Oh, it was a mutual thing.” No, it wasn’t.
…Even though after a week went by I told her I want us to get back together and she rejected me quite harshly.
Because it was over for her, because she wasn’t feeling it. So you didn’t “mutually” break up, dude. You got dumped and you’re kind of bullshitting yourself a little bit.
That was when I stumbled upon your videos and immediately implemented the no contact rule.
Well, you should have not just done the cherry picking. I warned constantly against that, and guys like you don’t listen. You think you’re going to cheat the system. Don’t cheat the system in life. It’s not going to end well, and no contact is not a band-aid for everything. Simply she harshly rejected you. She’s like, “I don’t want you anymore.”
Whatever it was she said, she made it clear she wasn’t interested in getting back together, having any kind of intimacy. Again, the relationship ended two months before. The only thing that needed to happen was the official breakup, and since you didn’t do anything to break it off, she did because you made her the man in the relationship.
A month later, she texted me. She wanted to meet up with me. That night we got back together.
If you’d have been prepared, you should have studied what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, what she should have done is come over to make dinner in the evening at your place. Simple as that. You don’t go meet up with her or pick her up or meet her out or do group dates or any of that crap. Again, this is all laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.
I’m not going to go through the whole thing, because if you’re in that situation, you should be taking the time to learn those things. I did a whole video on it. I went step-by-step and handled every particular type of objection you can get from her, so you’re prepared.
She came back and what did he do? He was lazy, like most 97 percenters. He didn’t get prepared. So when she came back, her interest had gone up just because of all the space, but he’s basically the same guy behaving the same way and hasn’t made any corrective changes in his own behavior because it’s just easy to cherry pick for some videos. Like I said, you’ll get some attainable success, but you won’t be able to sustain it.
He went no contact. Her feelings crept back up on her. She came back. Nothing changed in his game. He’s still the same beta male he was when she dumped him the first time. So he’s gone right back to behaving exactly the same way, and he’s turning her off for exactly the same reasons. This is as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. You can set your watch to it.
She cried, she said she missed me and couldn’t keep moving forward without me.
I would have been like, “Well, let’s just take it day by day and take it slow. I’ll give you a chance to earn me back to get another chance with me, but you got to make an effort, and that’s what I wasn’t seeing before. I want to see you’re consistent. I want to see that your words and your actions match.” Simple as that. Therefore, she has to work for it. Instead he just went, “OK, let’s get back together,” because he wasn’t prepared.
Scarcity creates value, and if she has to earn you back, she will appreciate you and love you way more, way quicker than you just folding like a cheap deck chair and going, “OK, let’s get back together today. It’s all fixed. The no contact solved everything.” Doesn’t work that way, dude.
Unfortunately, I made it too easy for her.
I accepted her without any hesitation and we agreed to take things slow. For the past two months we’ve been back together, I’ve been the only one that makes any effort.
Well, that’s because you’re doing the opposite of what I teach. You should have been like, “I’ll give you a chance.” After she left, and hopefully you hooked up that first night because you invited her to make dinner together, just say, “Call me later,” and then wait to hear from her. When you do, you make the next date.
Then if those first few weeks she complains, “Oh, you never call me, you never text me,” It’s like, “Hey, you’re the one that said all those horrible things to me a couple of months ago on how you didn’t want anything to do with me, and you felt nothing for me and you couldn’t stand me,” or whatever it happened to be that she said to you.
It’s like, “So that’s still burned into my mind. So you’re going to have to make more of an effort than just a couple of weeks or a couple of dates. I want to see that you’re consistent. I want to see that you’re remorseful. I want to see that you’ve had a change of heart. That you recognize that your behavior was inappropriate and the way you treated me was unloving and unkind. So you’re going to have to work. You’re going to have to work for it.”
I try to plan nice dates and make her feel special. I want her to fall back in love with me and get our relationship to the point it was before the downfall and the inevitable breakup.
You’ve got to read the book, dude. She came back, but you had no idea what to do. So nothing has changed in your behavior. You’re literally turning her off and behaving exactly like you did before the breakup. That’s why you’ll notice later on in the email, that’s why it feels that way to him. It feels just like it did before the breakup where she wasn’t that into it, because her interests had gone up when they weren’t talking then. Now it’s gone back down that they are talking.
But unfortunately, she seems to have picked it up from where we left it when we split up.
That’s on you, because you didn’t follow instructions. You didn’t listen to me.
Don’t get me wrong, she still is loving, caring and we communicate everyday.
Meaning he probably does most of the reaching out, which again is the opposite of what he should be doing,
But I want her to make the extra effort.
Well, you’re not going to get her to make the extra effort by you doing all of the effort. It doesn’t work that way. Again, you’re doing the opposite of what I teach, and this is exactly what got you dumped the first time around.
I want her to chase me, crave me sexually and do all these cute little things she used to do for me.
You have to let her come to you at her pace. You can’t do it for her. That’s the problem. You’re acting like the chick. You’re acting like the one who was the dumper and realized he made a mistake and is now trying to get her back and get her attention and validation.
I just feel that I’ve been taken for granted because I’d shown weakness and the inability to walk away in the past.
Well, you’re still doing the same thing. You’re still over pursuing and you’re not giving her the space and time away from you to miss you, to think about you, to wonder about you. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free,” and you’re not doing that. You’re smothering her all over again.
I wish the balance of the relationship could shift again in my favour just so I can feel she is really into investing in me and as a result I can invest in her without feeling like an idiot. Any advice?
Read the fucking book, dude. Be a man. Take some action. Follow the instructions instead of half-assing everything in your life. I mean, you need to grow the fuck up, dude.
Are there any small changes I can do in order to get back respect and eventually make her chase me and realize she has to make effort in order to make things work?
Well, the only way she’s going to realize that she needs to make the effort to make things work is if you let her come to you at her pace. That means 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing needs to be done by her, and you’re doing the opposite of that.
Plus, you’re unable to tell where you stand. You’re unable to tell when she’s attracted, when she’s not attracted. You probably don’t have much sensory acuity around seduction and when to try to seduce her and when to back off.
So you’re completely flying blind. You’re out there throwing darts in a blizzard, trying to put your relationship back together, and all you’re doing is chasing your ex-girlfriend right back out of your life. So she dumps you and says harsh things to you all over again.
This is what I call in my book 3% Man, the illusion of action, and the illusion of action has you making all the effort, playing both roles in the relationship and acting like the chick. That’s why instead of her interest going up and her passion returning, she’s getting turned off to the point where you’re a second class citizen all over again. So you’ve got to actually apply what I teach if you want it to work for you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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