The Process Of Moving On After She Cheats

How to navigate taking your power back and moving on after your wife or girlfriend cheats on you.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about 3 years and has read 3% Man 10 times so far. He has been married for 17 years and has 4 kids. He says he was a needy beta male for most of their marriage until he found my work and changed his ways. His wife was going to divorce him and cheated on him for a year with another man. Now that he has turned his life around, she is back and pursuing him.

He is content to enjoy his time with her and his kids, but deep down seems to know he will eventually leave her to find someone else. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

After all of this, it almost seems like, deep down, he kind of knows he’s probably going to leave her because he’s grown beyond her. And now he sees her as she is, especially after he’s taken his power back. And so, it’s easy for somebody outside of this situation to go, “Oh, yeah, she belongs the streets. Dump her,” but they’ve got 17 years they’ve been married. They’ve got four kids together. It’s not so easy to say that.

So, the question is, if you were this guy, what would you do if you were him? Because it’s obviously a dilemma. Like I said, it’s easy to say leave and get divorced, but anybody that’s been through a divorce – especially if you have kids, and if you’re in one of those left leaning states where the divorce laws are totally slanted against the men – it’s not a lot of fun. There’s lots of guys on the Internet that talk about what a difficult experience it is.

Look at the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp thing. I mean, just look at that particular situation where she ruined the guy’s reputation, and then come to find out, once the world basically watched the trial, they’re like, “Well, this Amber Heard person, she’s not a good person at all. She lives in an alternate reality.” We did a video that we posted this past week called, “Long Live Captain Jack Sparrow!” where we went through several of the things that happened, the video, some of the testimony, and talked about the different things that happened. Maybe you guys can go check that out.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach, 

I just wanted to share a success story and get your take on it. I have been following your work for about 3-4 years and have read 3% Man 10-12 times, (read/listened), and Mastering Yourself once. I have been married for 17 years and have 4 kids. For the majority of my marriage my wife was a loving, sweet, feminine girl and I was an insecure, indecisive, needy beta. This forced her to get into her masculine so that someone in our house could make a damn decision.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

In 2017 she was finally ready to divorce me. Having had no real masculine presence in my childhood, all I could think of doing was becoming a total pleaser and waiting on her hand and foot. This of course was repulsive, and she stayed with me, (at the request of her parents), but had an affair for a year.

So she had obviously checked out and left. I mean, she’s trying to divorce you, so she maintained the image of a marriage to keep her family happy, but in reality, she went and had a relationship with another guy. She cheated on you. And on top of that, you were a pleaser and you facilitated it. The more beta you acted, the more it justified her decision to want to divorce you and be with another guy.

The reality is if you act unattractive to a woman, she’s going to get turned off. It doesn’t matter how much she loves you. If you ruin the sexual polarity in a relationship, because you’re acting like an insecure little girl, or a needy beta male, you’re going to turn every single woman off, no matter how hot they think you are.

When she finally told me, it crushed me, but it did lead me to your work, so it wasn’t all bad.

So, I guess he didn’t know about the affair.

At first, I read 3% Man once and tried to cherry pick videos as we tried to make it work.

This is why I say read it 10 to 15 times. This is exactly what happens.

But I kept getting insecure, paranoid, and clingy, and kept landing on my face. If I ever encounter anyone who wants to stay with a cheating partner, my advice would now be to separate, figure yourself out FIRST, then reassess.

The key is to get to a place where you learn what’s in “3% Man,” and you act like a masculine man, consistently. You take care of you. As Jim Rose said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” And that’s what you should do. Because once you become your masculine, attractive self, any issues of attraction or lack of respect will change and resolve themselves. But at the end of the day, he’s still married to a cheating spouse, which involves obviously a lot of lying and a lot of deception. It went on for a year, and he had absolutely no clue what was going on.

About a year ago, I had enough and dedicated myself to being a good student.

So, he followed me for the better part of three years, read the book once and just kept cherry picking, until eventually he hit rock bottom and realized he needed to change.

I started listening to 3% Man to and from work, watching videos religiously, and reading with the audible playing on 2x speed, (which is a phenomenal technique that I have also applied to other books).

Yeah, because the audiobook is like 7 1/2 hours. So, if you take a physical copy, a digital copy or the Kindle and you have the audible book, you have a physical copy to fall along in. What you should do is put it on two-speed, and you can get through the book in like 3 1/2 hours. But you’ve got to have the book there and you’ve got to be looking at the words while they’re being read to you, not doing something else. This is the best way to absorb the information as quickly as possible and be efficient.

Again, if you can get through the book in 3 1/2 hours on two speed, you can get your 10 to 15 reads, literally, in a matter of weeks if you dedicate yourself to that. Serious students will do it. The lazy guys will do what this dude did for three years, which is read it once and half ass it and try to cherry pick here and there. And you might get some attainable success, but you won’t get sustainable success.

I started focusing on me and my purpose, I stopped pursuing and begging her for attention and started working out consistently.

So, he started doing the things that makes a man attractive in the first place.

Since that time, I earned a promotion at work and am in my dream job, I changed my military job in the reserves to a job that I am passionate about, I completed 2 spartan races, and I have never been happier with my accomplishments or myself.

We agreed to stay in the same house and bed for the rest of this year as she finishes nursing school, because she has been a stay-at-home wife for so long that she really doesn’t have anywhere to go. We both agreed on a boundary that as long as we are technically married, we are working on ourselves and not pursuing others.

Well, the reality is you’ve got to look at her actions. Will she honor that, or not?

I am using this time to heal and grow, and I also realized that if get divorced, it needs to be with love and kindness.

Yeah, it’s not going to be helpful to the kids if you guys are just brutalizing each other in the court system, which happens a lot of times, especially with women that are hurt and upset or pissed off at the men for being weak. Because then they become really vindictive.

Even though she betrayed me, she is still the mother of my kids and I chose not to have any animosity towards her.

It wouldn’t help anyway.

It hurt like hell in the moment, but it truly woke me up to how pathetic I was and lead me on a journey to become a masculine example for myself and for my kids. It’s weird to say now, but if going through that was the only way to get to who I am now, I would not hesitate to choose that in order to get here. 

The funny thing is, when I stopped pursuing her, it let all the tension go. She has since asked to hang out, and I have followed your principles of getting an ex back. I had to modify because we live together and have kids, but I feel I executed the main principle of not pursuing someone who hasn’t shown they want you, and when getting an ex back, do things on YOUR terms.

Yeah, you never try to keep somebody in your life who’s not making the effort to keep you in theirs. And by you working on you and developing yourself – developing your physique, getting reconnected to your hobbies, your interests, your friends, doing things because they make you happy – you’re making yourself maximally attractive to all women, including your potentially ex-wife to be.

We have been hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, but I see it as a friends with benefits situation more than building a marriage. As a matter of fact, stepping back and seeing who she is now, I don’t know that I would want to build with her again.

And that’s the important thing to keep in mind. Because a guy that reads my book and applies it, and sees how much better his life gets – and, quite frankly, the better quality of women he’s able to attract – his standards go up. And when your standards go up, it’s a lot easier to move on, especially when you have choices.

Because most guys in his situation, who have never come across a book like mine or don’t have the balls to look inward and try to fix things, they’ll just keep putting up with it. They’ll put up with a cheating spouse, and it’ll just happen over and over and over again. They’ll continue making excuses, and they won’t do anything to change their behavior. And, eventually, the cheating spouse will leave them for somebody else.

I love her and am attracted to her, but she has become very selfish and doesn’t quite line up with the things I have listed for my dream woman.

I’d say, more than likely, she’s probably always been this way, but you were too fucking soft and weak to notice, because she has had the power since the beginning. You’re just now, because you’ve taken your power back, getting to see what you’re really dealing with.

I am using the rest of this time to assess if I want to be with her long term since I realized that I am the catch.

Well, the reality is your sexual market value tends to increase. Men typically peak in their thirties to early forties, and women tend to peak in their twenties. That’s just the harsh reality. Men all over the world, young and old guys, like the hot younger women. That’s the bottom line. Men are visual creatures. I know that pisses a lot of women off, especially older women. They get really upset about that, but that’s life.

I mean, at the end of the day, time comes for us all anyway. Father time is undefeated. It just happens to women sooner. But you’ve got to understand, women are typically going to only have kids when they’re younger anyway. That’s just the harsh reality. Nobody gets out alive. Everybody dies.

The question is, how are you going to spend your life? Are you going to get up every day and do things that you want to do and that you love and do them with people that you love being around and enjoy being around? Or are you going to be miserable and just try to get through it? Because, at the end of the day, it ends in dust and disarray, no matter what you do. Everybody you love, everything you build, eventually, all of it’s going to turn to dust. So, you might as well find a way to enjoy it.

For now, it works, but I want someone I fully trust…

Yeah. Love can’t exist where there is no trust. I mean, think about it; she maintained an affair for 12 months, a whole entire year, and you had no idea it was going on. Think about the amount of lying and deviousness and deception that she maintained. But you were probably pretty gullible and had no clue of what was going on anyway, so you didn’t see any of the signs.

…and someone that sees me as her rock. Through our past actions, this may not be possible again between us, but I can still show up the way I chose in every single moment and enjoy the positives and peace that I have found in my current situation.

I am also proud to say that I am much more outgoing in public and get smiles back as I smile at attractive women that I see in public and even spark conversation that I politely end with “It was nice talking to you,” that I know in the future could turn into setting a date on the spot or at least getting a number once I am actually available.

So, Elvis has left the building, but he hasn’t physically left the building. Elvis has left mentally and spiritually, and he’s developing himself. He’s getting to the point where he’s in a non-hungry state right now. It’s the best way to practice. And so, when he gets ready, then he can easily end his marriage – end it with love and move on and not miss a beat.

I am curious if you think I should do anything differently or continue with how I am now seeing and approaching the situation. 

Dude, the only thing that matters, are you happy? Are you enjoying the way things are? Because that’s all it really matters. My opinion is irrelevant. And the people in the comments, quite frankly, they’re going to comment on this. There’s going to be some haters and people talking shit, but it’s like, so what? You’ve got to learn to tune those people out. You’ve got to live for you at the end of the day. You have to live with yourself. You’re the one that has to look in the mirror and see yourself every day.

And so, other people’s opinion of you, really, it’s none of their business. If what you’re doing and the way you’re living is working for you and you’re moving at your own pace, don’t compare your success or your progress to anybody else. Again, as long as you’re happy, that’s all that really matters. And so, when you’re ready to leave you’ll say, “Hey, it’s been great, but I’ve decided I want a divorce, and I want to move on,” and tell her to move out. She’s the one who cheated, after all.

I am forever grateful for what you do and have recommended your book to countless friends and even in a men’s group that I joined. Your impact is not only being felt in my life, but also in the lives of my children and will be a positive shift in generations to come.

I appreciate that.

If you ever decide to run for President…

Who’d want that fucking job? Can you imagine? I mean, look at the amount of hate, look at all the presidents in our lifetimes. It’s just constant, savageness in the media. It’s just never stops. Who would want to subject themselves to that? I think it’s better that older people run for President anyway, because by the time you get older, you really don’t give a fuck anymore. You don’t care, and this stuff doesn’t bother you.

…in order to selflessly heal the pain that has been caused by our current clown in chief.

Well, he’s just part of the system, and yeah, Joe Biden fucking sucks ass. He’s got dementia, he’s incompetent, he’s a liar. I mean, there’s a lot of video compilations floating around Twitter where he talked about exactly what he’s going to do – cancel the pipeline, no new leases on government land. He’s going to stop all oil exportation. These are all the stated goals of the World Economic Forum. And so, that’s who he really works for. He doesn’t work for us.

I mean, he told us what he was going to do, and now gas prices have doubled and people are like, “Oh, gee, it’s the oil company. The Republicans did it.” It’s like, no, Joe Biden’s policies did it. He said he was going to do that, and then he did it. And even Obama is on video, he says, “if we implemented my energy plan, energy rates would skyrocket.” It’s on video. You could see it. So, he did that. And anybody that says it’s not his fault is delusional, but that’s okay.

You have my vote. Thank you so much Coach!! 

Respectfully, 

Bob

At this point in my life, I don’t see myself ever running for President because, again, who would want that fucking job? It sucks. But who knows? Maybe 20, 30 years from now, maybe I will, maybe I won’t. But I appreciate your support. I appreciate your vote.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.