The Purpose For Your Failures

Nov 7, 2016 by Coach Corey Wayne
Amanda Rohde / iStock.com
Photo by iStock.com/Amanda Rohde

What the purpose for your failures are and why it is essential that you focus on what you can learn from failure, so you can get better and move forward, instead of using failure as a reason to give up and quit.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss four different emails from four different viewers. All of them have successfully continued to take action, in spite of failures, fears and setbacks, with great results. The first email is from a viewer who says my work saved his life. He says he was in a dark place after his wife of 37 years left him. He shares some small successes he has had recently after realizing he stopped being the man in his marriage, and how this led to the eventual failure of their relationship. The second email is a success story from a viewer who has been following my work for a year and a half. He details the success of his current relationship of 1 year and how much easier and effortless it is compared to all of his previous relationships.

The third email is a success story from a viewer who has been following me for a year. He successfully negotiated a raise in pay, lost 53 pounds and changed his life for the better after his girlfriend of five years cheated on him. He details how his new girlfriend of two months just told him she has fallen in love with him. He says she makes his heart skip a beat. The fourth email is from a viewer who found my work after his wife of 41 years passed away, and he got friend-zoned by the first woman he dated after her death. He details how he has finally arrived at, and once again become, the man he was when he met his wife. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the bodies of their emails.

First Viewer’s Email:

Corey,

malerapaso / iStock.com
malerapaso / iStock.com

You literally saved my life. I have watched a ton of your videos and many have given me hope. This email is for “Contemplating Life: 1 In the Chamber,” and it could not have come at a more opportune time. I used to be a man, as you describe, with purpose, confidence, and vitality that attracted everything to me. Three years ago, I let fear start ruling my life. Fear of a whole lot of things I obsessed over, and became depressed, and all of these fears materialized. (What you fear you attract, and what you look at disappears. If where you want to get to means you have to conquer fear or overcome some obstacles that terrify you, you have to be able to move forward despite it, instead of letting the fear paralyze you. A lot of people tend to play it safe, but that means you are going to settle in a lot of areas in your life. When you are really sure of yourself, certain of what you want, and you are unwilling to settle, then you’ll say, I realize this is good, but I’m not going to be satisfied with good. I want spectacular, exceptional and super high quality. The idea is to become what you want to attract. Create the conditions that support the kind of person or lifestyle you want showing up.) I fucked up, and my wife left me after 37 years. It was more than just my doing, because during this time, she also had cancer, which she recovered from, and we had some family drama with my oldest son causing friction. I see so clearly now from your teachings how I pushed her away. I stopped giving, and I stopped being a man.With me withdrawn, she concluded she did not know who she was or what her purpose was. Her life had been spent in service to me and the family; going wherever I went and subordinating herself. See – she was drawn to me and giving to me, and I gave to her. She is a very empathetic person. The point is, she needed to take her journey in another direction. We were high school sweethearts, married at 19. Bottom line, I loved her intensely, and we were so tight, side by side, with all aspects of our lives. Everyone said we were made for each other. It was very symbiotic. But with her gone, I discovered that she, the family, and our life vision were actually an integral part of my overall purpose; sort of became the purpose for my purpose.

Lichtmeister Photography Productions / iStock.com
Lichtmeister Photography Productions / iStock.com

She left a year ago to another state, and the divorce became final 2 months ago. I have been in denial through this whole process and suffering pain, (You suffered because you weren’t accepting reality for what it was), that will not go away, even though she has moved on and no longer feels any chemistry. The hole is too large. I don’t have faith in all the promises that the universe will bring something better and maybe unexpected. (That’s okay. You’re going to have those times where you’re going to question whether or not it will get better. That’s why when you really know what you want, when you’re in love with the vision that you have for your life and what you want to create, you’ll be able to say, that girl was really great, but I want what I fucking want. Who wants to go through life and settle?) I have been going through the motions with everything in my life, mostly to fulfill my obligations. The pain has become too sustained and too intense. I have been contemplating checking out of this world. I was ready to do so.“1 in the Chamber” gave me the glimmer of encouragement to continue. I put together a dating profile with your technique of letting them come to me. I checked it once a day. That was hard to do, but as a kid, I used to run trotlines for catfish. You put 15 to 20 hooks about 2 feet apart and throw it in the water in the early evening. The next morning, you see what you caught. It serves no purpose to check on it through the night. (In order to feel successful and happy, you have to feel like you’re making progress, and if you don’t feel like you’re making progress, then life is going to feel like it’s hopeless.) Each day it was like that trotline fishing and I was eager to see my catch. It’s been three days, and I have two dates lined up. (You took action, in spite of your fear. It’s a small victory, but you did it. No matter what happens in life, keep moving forward and keep trying to get better.) I may not be really ready, but I feel some encouragement, and going through this exercise of putting myself out there, and doing it the right way, is at least keeping me alive. (As Panache Desai says, “Stagnation happens when you die. Life happens when you move.” You weren’t moving and you were stagnating. Instead, you decided to start moving, which equates to life and living, experiencing and getting results. It’s a victory.)

Thank you very much,

Bob

Photo by D Dipasupil/Getty ImagesPhoto by D Dipasupil/Getty Images

Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I’m 52 years old and came upon your work about a year-and-a-half ago on the heels of a break up. I’ve read your book twice, but on the second read, I highlighted the key principles in every chapter of the book, which I go back and review constantly using the iBooks Notes feature. I’m writing to share a success story, as well as to warn your followers about the pitfalls of dating insecure women.

I met this woman in 2010, as both of our sons were on the same little league baseball team. We hit it off immediately, as we had many things in common, including being divorced, having sons around the same age and liking the same type of music. She was very kind, warm-hearted, generous and loving. There was only one problem – she was very insecure. (When you’re dating someone that’s insecure, deep down they believe you’re not going to be faithful and eventually when you realize what they’re like, you’re going to leave them for somebody else. Everything is about validating them so they feel better, because they don’t see themselves in a positive light.) She had a history with men that were not good to her and had dated a compulsive liar for 18 months just prior to meeting me. (As Ayn Rand said, “The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone.” So if you’re in a relationship with somebody who is insecure, and they don’t value themselves, no matter how good you are to them, they’re still going to question you.) Although I noticed this flaw early on in the relationship, I stupidly thought that over time, she would see that I’m not like the guys she married/dated before and learn to trust me. So I went ahead and allowed myself to fall completely in love with her.

Photo by New York Times Co./Getty Images Photo by New York Times Co./Getty Images

As a result of her insecurity, she would interrogate me about every woman I happened to associate with… be it a friend, co-worker, Facebook friend, etc. She also had to know where I was and what I was doing at all times when we weren’t together. (Remember the Thich Nhat Hanh quote that I always say, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.) She always presumed to know what I was thinking and feeling, instead of asking me. (Remember, people will act consistently with how they view themselves to be, whether the view is accurate or not. It really had nothing to do with you and had everything to do with how she viewed herself. Because she viewed herself in a very unhealthy way, it was just a nightmare to date her.) Incredibly, she was also insecure about my ex-wife, with whom I have a horrible relationship, and as a result, wanted to control the decisions I made that affected not only my ex, but also my three sons. You see, she needed to see me act negatively towards my ex at all times, regardless of the impact on my sons, in order to feel secure about my feelings for her. It was her way of testing me. She always assumed I had the worst intentions, instead of the best. She lived in fear of being rejected or cheated on, and never allowed herself to fully trust me. (That’s why it’s so important, if you’re going to be in a long-term relationship, that you find a woman, that has a great relationship with, and trusts, both of her parents. There are a lot of landmines in the dating world.)

Photo By Cyrus McCrimmon/The Denver Post via Getty Images Photo By Cyrus McCrimmon/The Denver Post via Getty Images

Long story short, we dated for four years before the relationship inevitably ended. When we broke up, we still loved each other very much, but her insecurities made it impossible to continue the relationship, let alone advance it to the next level. After the break-up, I suffered for a long time. (When we don’t accept reality, we suffer.) I wanted reality to be other than it was. I wanted her to be a secure and trusting person. (It’s great you realized that, because that’s what frees you and enables you to move forward. The only way to move forward is to let go of your preconceived notions.) I wanted her to be “the one” for me, even though she wasn’t. I was grieving for the person I wanted her to be, not the person she was. It took me a while to figure that one out!

In the days and months after the break up, I did a lot of self-reflection and read a lot of books about relationships and self-improvement, but I hadn’t read your book yet. I joined Match.com and started dating again, but made the classic mistakes of engaging my emotions too quickly and over-texting, so I wasn’t having much success.

shironosov / iStock.com
shironosov / iStock.com

Then I read your book and started watching your video newsletters. It turned everything around for me. Reading your book and watching your videos not only taught me the proper dating and relationship skills, but it also taught me what to look for in a healthy partner and relationship and, equally important, what to avoid. I was anxious to apply what I had learned, and it wasn’t too long before I had my chance again. This time I did it right, and with a woman who possessed all of the minimum qualities you laid out in a newsletter, i.e., secure, trusting, trustworthy, confident, flexible, easy-going, etc. We hit it off on the first date with drinks and dinner at a wine bar, followed by more drinks, jukebox playing and lots of making out at a pub afterward. (You had multiple places lined up, and each one facilitated you getting closer to her.) I got home at 1:00 a.m. We dated for three months, and I watched her actions carefully before deciding to take the emotional plunge with her. This Sunday will be our 1-year anniversary together, and it’s been the easiest, most fun and rewarding relationship of my life. (That’s because you did the work. You kept moving forward, you kept taking action despite setbacks, you kept trying to get better, and now you’re celebrating a one year anniversary. That’s fucking great. Good job dude. I’m very proud of you.) Looking back, it’s hard to believe I put up with what I did in my previous relationship, but I had to go through pain, educate myself, and find someone far superior to her to put it all in perspective for me. Things turned out the way they were supposed to. (It’s not success that makes you better. It’s actually learning from your failures that makes you better.)Corey, thanks for teaching what you do. As counter-intuitive as it may seem to most men who have been conditioned by society and the media, your principles work… they just fucking work. Keep fighting the food fight Coach!!

All the best,

Bob

Third Viewer’s Email:

Dear Coach,

BraunS / iStock.com
BraunS / iStock.com

I want to take the time out to say thank you for changing my life. I found your work earlier this year. My relationship of five years ended when my ex girlfriend was cheating on me. I was foolish and pleaded with her to fix things. (That communicates you have no self respect. You want the kind of relationship you want, and yet you are in a relationship with somebody that’s just not capable of giving that to you. You stayed, you put up with it, and on top of that you invited her to do more of it. Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.) We started to reconnect but it turns out she was already involved with her co-worker. Her words were, “it just kind of happened”.After watching your videos and reading your book twenty times, I laugh out loud every time I hear that phrase. She tried to keep me around and told me she never wanted to lose her best friend. I told her it’s all or nothing. I walked away. I spent the next few months going through the motions and involved with your work. I realized my faults and my successes from the relationship. (You did some introspection, and you discovered your strategies were not working and they needed to be tweaked.) I focused more on my career in an architecture firm, got a raise, found a new place, and lost 53 pounds to get in shape.

I got back out there and dated other women. I am now currently with my girlfriend I’ve been with for the past two months. She recently told me “she loves me.” (If you follow what I teach in my book, it takes about seven weeks for a woman to fall in love with you.) She makes my heart skip a beat. It’s funny how life can change over a year. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so happy. I wanted to thank you for your work. I still listen to your book via audible every couple of weeks to stay sharp. Keep up the good work. (Good job dude. Great success story.)

Bob

Fourth Viewer’s Email:

Corey,

gabyjalbert / iStock.com
gabyjalbert / iStock.com

First and foremost thank you for what you do. I spent 6 years in the Army, (Thank you for your service), and 30 years as firefighter. My wife passed away about 2 years ago, and I was devastated. We had a 41-year relationship, the last 20 years together in marriage. I was absolutely lost when she passed away. (When you’re with somebody for four decades, your whole identity becomes associated with being in that relationship.) After about a year, I met a woman who became a very close friend. Although I wanted more, I became the needy bitch and regurgitated my feelings to her. She in turn friend zoned me. Again, I was devastated. So, I hopped on my motorcycle and left for 3 1/2 weeks. What I found was that when you step back and look at the whole picture, it makes more sense.Two days into my trip, your video showed up on my spam folder, and I began to watch, and watch and watch. Then everything made sense! I got your book, and as of now I’m on my 12th reading in about 2 1/2 months. And yes, I could give a seminar on it. I found it wasn’t so much about picking up chicks, as it was about gaining my self-confidence. (Success with women is really about how you view yourself.) I realized that, although I fucked up, this woman had narcissist tendencies; all the things that were “my fault” were not. As in your book, I talk to everyone the same, friendly, interested, and caring, the response is fantastic, and when I have met those beautiful women, it is like breathing, it’s just natural. I have only recently returned from my trip, but my fear is gone. I approach the most beautiful women and engage in conversation, get phone numbers, and continue on. Just as practice, I put myself out there. One woman was buying me drinks, and the next took me out for dinner and drinks. What I found most interesting was, when I came home after my trip, my daughter handed me an envelope that had my letters to and from my wife when we were courting. What I read confirmed that when I was courting my wife I was totally alpha, and your series has brought me back to who I was. Thanks to you I am who I always was. (That’s fucking great. You’re weren’t really lacking. You were consciously choosing to show up and not demonstrate who you were to the world. It’s very rare to come across people who have woken up and are marching to the beat of their own drum.)

Bob

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“Failure is a necessary part of life and self-improvement. Successful people focus on what they can learn from failure, so they can improve their results in the future. Unsuccessful people avoid failure at all costs and seek to insulate themselves from risk and uncertainty. The reality is that in order to become successful, and go from where you are to where you want to be, requires you to take risks that do not necessarily lead to instant success and can keep you in a constant state of uncertainty for extended periods of time. The more you can take action and keep moving forward towards your outcomes, in spite of the risks and potential for undesired results, the more your confidence and ability to persevere will grow. A spectacular life is the result of mastering empowering mindsets and becoming comfortable with things being uncomfortable and uncertain. Progress always involves taking measured risks and minimizing potential downside risks.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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Published on November 7, 2016

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