The Purpose Of No Contact

The purpose of no contact and when and why you use it.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who met a girl at the gym he works at. For the first few weeks, he was hanging out, having fun and hooking up just like 3% Man, teaches. Then he got over confident and sloppy. She started backing off and eventually asked for space. Now he’s in limbo and not sure what to do next as it’s been a month since, but she comes to his classes and stays to talk with him sometimes.

The 2nd email is from a viewer who was dating a girl who went back to her ex, but is now contacting him again. He tried several times, but she would not commit to a definite date. For the past four months, she reaches out, but hasn’t brought up getting together. However, this last time she was asking him for favors and he’s not sure how to respond. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

For those of you that are trying to get an ex back or you’re dating a girl that you really liked, like this first email who started dating a girl and obviously had read 3% Man several times. He says about four or five weeks in, things were just going great. She kept pursuing more and more. Things were textbook. He started introducing him to her friends, her family. After that he got really sloppy, got cocky. Then over the next month, she started backing away, then became flaky to the point where she wouldn’t make any dates. He just ignored this, because his ego got blown up a little too much by himself. She then started asking for space and distancing herself because he wasn’t getting the message. He’s over pursuing to the point where she asked for space. Those of you that understand what that means and what I’m going to ask for space, it basically means you’re smothering me, you’re calling me, you’re texting me too much. I don’t even know who I am anymore. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” What’s happening is she stops feeling like she has freedom. In other words, she feels like she’s losing her freedom and ultimately losing herself, so she backs off.

A lot of guys are in that kind of position. They started dating a girl they really liked, like this particular guy. Then they back off and they ask for space. He actually works at a gym and that’s how he met her. The girl is 23, and he’s 31. She’s 23. He says in the last few weeks, she comes in and takes some of the classes that he teaches. After the class ends, she hangs out for 10, 15, 20 minutes, talking with him, but when she started reaching back out in the past, he tried to set dates and she was kind of noncommittal about it. As we discussed in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” if she starts calling you or texting you after no contact – Like in this case, she literally pushed him away. She’s like, “Hey, leave me alone. Stop contacting me. You’re smothering me” – When a woman says that, the worst thing you can do is keep calling, texting, pursuing and trying to get her to spend time with you. That’s why you go no contact. In other words, she’s basically stopped the game of tennis, and wants you to maintain the distance. You’ve got to have the strength to do that. All you’re really doing is just waiting potentially for her feelings to start to return with time. Then she reaches out, then you make the date.

So what happens is that you go no contact, like the next guy in the second email. He had a situationship, as he said, but there was the ex-boyfriend and that wasn’t completely done yet. She ends up bouncing back to her ex-boyfriend. Then at some point, after a few weeks of no contact, she’s reaching out once a month. Both of these are good cases for that, because it’s not like cut and dry. She started reaching out and then he tried to make dates, but she wouldn’t make dates. Typically in that case, when you’ve gone no contact with a girl because like in the second email here, she went back to her ex-boyfriend and you’re not going to get involved with that. You’re in a less position of leverage.

When she goes back to a guy she may have been dating for a few years and you were only dating her for a month or two and then she bounced back to him, he’s got all the emotional leverage just because he’s got all the time in with her that you just simply didn’t have enough time to establish that kind of deep bond and connection. When it happens that she bounces back, then you go no contact, you say, “Hey, give me a call if it doesn’t work out.” The girl starts reaching out typically when things look like it’s not going to work out with the ex because it typically doesn’t. When she starts reaching back out, often times what women will do is in their minds, they know it’s probably not going to work. They start reaching out to guys that they were dating, they’re reaching out to exes, maybe they got other male orbiters in their life. They start reaching out to see who’s still in the game, who still wants a chance. In other words, who still wants to date her and hang out with her? She starts reaching out, but she was non-committal about dates. As we discussed in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you’re only going to ask twice when she reaches out to you after a period of no contact. If you try to set a date each time, the two consecutive times in a row that she reaches out and both times she won’t make a date or is non-committal, typically what that means is the situation is not completely over with the ex or whoever she was involved with. When that happens, then you don’t ask even if she continues contacting you.

In this case, she’s reached out four or five times now or four times in four months, but he’s not bringing up getting together. The most recent one this past week, she reached out after like a month of no contact. Now she’s asking him to do favors for her. He stopped asking to get together, because each time when she reached out first and he tried to set dates two times in a row, she would make dates. In other words, you’re trying to fish, you’re pulling the line a little bit just to make sure the bait is there or that the fish is still there and you really set the hook good. That’s typically what happens. That’s why when you keep trying to make dates, when they keep reaching out, all it does is reconfirm to them that you still want to see them. They get the validation they were looking for, and then they go back to trying to see what’s going to happen with the ex or the,in this case, her ex-boyfriend and what’s going to happen with him.

I’m going to go through both of these emails and see what we can learn from it and how these guys should approach it going forward because both these women are contacting them. It’s just the question of how do you facilitate getting back to hanging out and having fun and hooking up when you tried, and they’re not open to it.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I met this girl at the gym that I work at. She is 23, I am 31. After a few months of flirting I finally made my move at a company outing. We had a great night and it ended back at my apartment for a long night of the indoor Olympics.

So it’s obvious she was interested, because she’s trying to get his attention, but he did nothing, because again, this is his place of work. You’ve got to be tactful with those things, because you don’t want things to go sideways. You don’t want to ask a girl out and mistake her attention for true romantic interest. When a girl, in his case, is continually showing up, continuously being flirtatious and trying to get his attention, he assumed with relative safety risk to his job that she’s really into him. He sees her out outside of work at a company function. Maybe she came to it, maybe it was a party for the gym or the gym members. Who knows? The bottom line, he ends up hooking up with her.

For the next few weeks, I did pretty good and followed your principles but certainly wasn’t perfect (at the time I had read your book twice).

Again, this is why I say read it 10-15 times, because you don’t know when you’re going to meet somebody you really click with and you really like. That’s the problem for most guys. When they meet a girl they really like, if they don’t really have a good grasp of the material, they get sloppy. They use shortcuts, things that go good for a few weeks. They have some attainable success, but it’s not sustainable, because they don’t know the material. What happens is they just kind of revert back to their old behavior that always got them blown off in friend zone to begin with.

By the fourth week, she was reaching out more and more and had introduced me to her friends, her brother, and invited me over her place where she made me dinner. I was elated. This is when I got over confident and sloppy. I know, I know read the book 10-15 times. I am now on my seventh read. 

Most guys could eliminate having these kinds of problems, but they’re just lazy. People are lazy. He’s having success and you get cocky. He’s like, “Hey, she’s inviting me over and making dinner for me, so she obviously really likes me. She’s introduced me to her family. I must be a special case where I don’t really need to read the book 10 to 15 times.” As he says, he gets sloppy. He gets cocky. She pulls back a little bit. If you don’t really know the material, then you start getting in your head. Everything kind of comes a little robotic, if you will, and it just tends to spiral out of control. As you’ll see here, what happens? His problem in the past has always been probably over pursuing, calling too much, texting too much, trying too hard to get the girl to like him, notice him and pay attention to him, instead of letting women come to him at their pace as their romantic interest goes up.

The next three weeks, her texts were short, delayed response times and seemed less enthusiastic about seeing me.

As I talked about in the book, you’re going to match and mirror that. You should recognize that women are like cats. There’s a whole chapter on it, “Women Are Like Cats, Men Are Like Dogs.” For whatever reason, she’s got less enthusiasm. If she’s taken long to respond to your texts, you match and mirror that, but he didn’t. Why? Because neediness kicked in. His insecurities, his fears, his doubts, his limiting beliefs. Now he’s going back to the guy he was before he met her and came across my book. Because he didn’t take the time to really learn it, he’d only been through my book twice when he asked this girl out. Things went well for a while, and he got cocky and full of himself and he didn’t really know the material. As Jocko Willink says, “Be humble or you will be humbled,” and so this guy got humbled.

I did not react in time. Despite this, I will say I did a good job not blowing up her phone and acting butt hurt. My mistake was instead of pulling back and maybe skipping a week to ask her to hangout when she contacted me, I went right in for it. Two, “I’m busy,” in a row is a red flag. Not a yellow one, I should have noticed. Finally on the 3rd jerk around, she came over to my place and gave me the classic, “I’m not sure where I need to be,” “I’m not ready for a relationship” and “Not sure where this is going,” script that I have heard countless times before.

Just from that alone, I can tell his problem- because I used to do this when I didn’t know any better- is over pursuing. He tends to be needy. Tends to call too much. Tends to text too much. Tends to put more effort and interest in her than she’s putting into him and ignores that, because he’s driven by fear. It gets to the point where he literally starts chasing the women out of their lives and then he starts hearing those, “I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m not sure.” I remember one of the girls I wrote about in my book was like, “I’m not sure where I’m able to be at this point in my life. I have a lot going on right now.” You hear those kinds of things, and what they’re really trying to say is, “You need to slow down. You need to back off, you need to let me come to you,” but women typically are not able to articulate that. That’s why it doesn’t matter where they are in the world or what cultural background. Women say the same thing. I could be talking to a dude in Kuwait, Saudi Arabia or Pakistan, and the women will be saying the exact same thing. That’s what’s pretty amazing about it. The beauty of it also is that women are predictable. If you really take the time to learn what’s in the book, you’ll be able to read them like a book and always tell how they feel about you and be able to ask the right questions that elicit the right responses for them so you can understand which action to take.

Thanks to you, I held my ground, told her I wasn’t looking for a relationship either and just enjoyed hanging out with her and would like to continue to do that. She said to just give her some time and space.

So when they say they need time, they need space, no problem. “Well call me when you’re ready. Call me when you feel better or call me when you have clarity,” whatever. That’s all you got to say. Then you go no contact, because she says, “Give me space.” She’s got to see and, most importantly, feel that you’re man enough to do that without losing your shit and calling, texting and pursuing. Some guys will wait for four or five days or a week and then they can’t take it. They rationalize, “Oh, I got to call her and tell her how much I like her, I miss her,” or whatever. Then they go right back to pursuing. They weren’t able to be congruent with saying, “Yeah, I’m going to give you a space,” because they only waited a few days and then they started pursuing again to the point where most of the time the guys just get ghosted or they get just totally stuck in friend zone with a bad case of blue balls.

I told her no worries and if anything came off as too cocky and sure of myself as to be honest the weekend prior I had a different girl in my bed. 

He says he may come off a little too cocky because he was already hooking up with somebody else. Another reason why it’s helpful to have other women in your life when you’re learning this stuff, because, like in his case, he’d only read the book twice, so he didn’t really know the material. Having another girl is going to help him with his needy behavior, his over pursuing type of behavior.

Fast forward four weeks, and there has still been no contact from her.

In other words, she hasn’t called or texted or sent him any kind of message through a messaging app.

She still comes to my classes once or twice a week at the gym and lingers around after for 15-20 minutes to chat with me afterwards.

In this case, if she’s not calling or texting, she’s showing up in person and then she hangs out for 15-20 minutes after class. This is different. Most guys are not going to be in their place of business where the girl comes to see them. She can slyly come back and act like, “Oh, I’m just here for the class.” Yet she’s hanging out for 15- 20 minutes afterwards. In the past, what she learned was when she did that, he always would ask her out, as he said. This time- because this is a little different than what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,”– most people don’t have the girl come into their place of business or whatever. In this case, he didn’t know what to do. This is part of the reason why you read the book 10-15 times. He’s missing the cue. If she’s hanging out and lingering for 15-20 minutes, and in the past he always asked her out, that was the easy, low risk way for her to come back, put herself in his orbit, and he would create the next opportunity for sex to happen. She’s been doing that and he’s doing nothing with it.

So she doesn’t want to look stupid because she’s thinking, “Hey, I went and saw him at the gym. He didn’t ask me out. He didn’t try to do anything,” and she hasn’t called or texted, because she doesn’t want to look stupid, but she’s literally showing up physically in person and he’s not making the connection here. If she’s hanging out for 15-20 minutes and talking to you, you should be like, “Hey, let’s go grab a drink,” or “Hey, let’s go have some food,” or “Let’s go grab some tea or coffee,” or whatever. If you’re not a drinker, “Hey, let’s go get a smoothie at Smoothie King,” or “Let’s go get a green juice from somewhere. Let’s go grab a meal,” or whatever. “Let’s go have a dessert together or an ice cream,” or something and catch up. You hang out, you have fun, you hook up. She’s putting herself in his orbit, but because he doesn’t really understand the philosophy in the book, he’s not recognizing that she’s putting herself in his orbit.

He’s looking at “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” He’s going, “She’s got to call me. She doesn’t call me. I don’t ask her out. I’m the robot.” This is why you read the book 10-15 times, so you don’t act like a robot who’s trying to game everything out. If you understood the book by reading it 10-15 times, you’d realize, “Oh wow, she’s putting herself in my orbit. She’s coming to my gym and she’s lingering,” because if she didn’t care, the class would be over, she would dip out and then you wouldn’t have time to talk to her. But she keeps coming out and hanging out for 15-20 minutes hoping you do something. It’s just like when you’re at the gym. the girl that likes you comes and sits next to you, or sits in a piece of equipment that’s facing you and just stares at you the whole time, hoping you’re going to do something and ask her out. Create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s what a date is after all.

In the past, I had used these moments to set dates with her on the spot.

You should have done this again, but you’re in your head. You’re fearful and the light bulbs aren’t going off, because you didn’t learn the material.

From my perspective, it would seem that she could very easily avoid seeing me if she wanted and certainly doesn’t have to stay after class after to hang out with me if she didn’t want to.

Because she had enough space and now she’s hanging out after your class in hopes that you ask her out again, because that’s what you always did in the past. See? You’re getting in your head all fearful and it sails right over your head. This girl is literally showing up. You could have literally left with her and said, “Hey, let’s go back to my place and grill up some chicken and catch up.” If she’s already been to your house like this one has, there should be no reason. You could literally just have her come back to your house, hang out, have fun and hook up. She could spend the night and then you’re just kind of right back to where you started.

My question for you is should I again take this behavior by her as a sign and look to make a date on the spot…

Yes, you should.

…Or wait for her to reach out over the phone before setting a date with her? 

Bob

Again, this is a special case, because most guys in this situation are not having the girl come to their gym classes, because you went no contact, you didn’t call, you didn’t text. For all she knows, you got serious with somebody else. Now she’s lingering after class and you’re not asking her out like you used to. She probably started thinking that, “Wow, this guy doesn’t even like me. He doesn’t want to see me anymore,” and rejection breeds obsession. That’s why she keeps coming back, because she’s hoping something is going to happen, and so your behavior has changed. Where in the past, if you really had a strong grasp of the material the first time she showed up and lingered for 15-20 minutes, it’s obvious she’s there because she wants to talk to you. If she remembers she said, “I want space.” Well, if she no longer wants space by literally coming and getting in your face for 15-20 minutes after your class, it’s obvious she had enough space. The kitty cat has returned home. It’s sitting in your lap and it’s purring at you and you’re just going, “Oh, what do I do? I don’t want to touch this thing.” Make a date, dude. Next time she comes in and does that say, “Hey, let’s go grab a drink,” or “Hey, why don’t you come back to my place? We’ll grab some chicken breasts.” Have a nice, healthy meal, maybe a glass of wine or some coffee and tea and catch up. That’s all you have to do. You’ve already done this many, many times with this girl. This is why you got to read the book 10-15 times. Follow the instructions. There’s no shortcuts to success.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Morning Coach Wayne, 

I had a “situationship” last summer that ended to what I believe was she went back to her ex. After reading your book 10 times so far, I can tell you I was def WAY more into her, which is probably why she bounced.

Well, the other thing is the ex-boyfriend has emotional leverage anyways. From a leverage perspective, you are always upside down in the wrong end of that trade, if you will.

She then hit me with the friends but nothing more speech, in which I politely declined and told her to hit me up if she changed her mind and to take care. Then two weeks later, she hit me up and I made multiple date attempts in which she was wishy-washy on confirming, so as the book says, I chalked her up to a loss. Yet she still reaches out.

If in two different consecutive occasions- like “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” says, the article and video that I did- if she reached out two times in a row and each time you try to set dates and she gives you a wishy-washy answer and won’t make dates, what’s going on is that she’s doubting that things are going to work out with the ex-boyfriend and she wants to make sure that you’re still into her. And as soon as you try to set a date, she knew you were into her and then that’s why she won’t make a date, it’s because she’s not free yet. That’s what “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” says, is to stop asking because one of two things will happen. She’ll either stop contacting you, or she’ll bring up getting together. This one doesn’t do something exactly like that.

It’s weird cause she keeps contacting me first and I respond with two to four max replies then hit her with the, “Hey, I gotta run, keep in touch,” script.

And so that’s what’s right out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”

Been four times in the past four months now and she’s still contacting me and not asking for a meet up. I will admit her most recent attempt just over a week ago, I gave Seven replies to her 22…

So she’s investing more effort here.

…And I ended up letting the convo go rather then using the script a fifth time, LOL. From your experience, am I doing OK (I know not perfect) in this situation? She’s also asking me for favors which I think is just ice breakers, so I dance around them or say I’ll get to it later if I have time… 

Thank you,

Bob

Well, he didn’t say what the favors were. She’s asking you for a favor and you stopped asking her out, even though she’s reaching out to you. Because in the past, when she’s done that, she just wouldn’t make a date, and now she’s asking you for favors. Like the first girl, she’s not calling him because it’s better to be in person to try to make something happen versus over the phone. Over the phone is less risk. It’s easier for him to reject her over the phone if he’s moved on, but she’s showing up in person. It’s harder to reject somebody in person if you no longer want to see them. That’s why she’s showing up. She’s really making it easy, because in the past, when she would show up and linger after his class, he always asked her out, made a date on the spot, but he’s not doing that now. Like I said, the next time she does that, he should make a date in a spot, take her home. Hang out, have fun, hook up.

This guy was kind of different and unusual about that. Now she’s saying, “Hey, can you do some favors for me?” Well, favors imply that potentially if it’s something to get together in person to do the favor, or maybe he’s got to do some research or something. I don’t know what the favors are. If a girl asks you a favor, you say, “Yeah, I’d be willing to do that. If you make me a nice home cooked meal. Why don’t we get together and make dinner at my place this week? What’s your schedule like?” See what she says. If she dances around the subject and is noncommittal, in that case, I would not bring up getting together unless she brings it up first. That would just mean that she’s still involved with the ex-boyfriend and she may still be involved with him. The only difference is this last time, which was the fourth time in four months that she’s reached out, now she’s asking for favors. That could potentially mean that she wants more of him, more of his presence, but asking for a favor, because so many months have gone by now. She doesn’t want to look or get rejected if he’s already with another girl. Especially if it’s something that’s, “Hey, can you give me a ride to this?” Or, “Hey, can you do this for me? Is it a favor where it requires them to be together in person, or does it require him to do something on his end and then get back to her and send her a message or whatever.

The point being is, if she’s asking for a favor, what I would be doing in this case is, “Yeah, I’d be open to that. Why don’t we get together and we can make dinner together and you can ask me nicely in person?” Whatever the favor happens to be. That’s what I would do, because that’s something that’s different. She’s asked for a favor now and again, he didn’t elaborate. If it requires them getting together in person or him seeing her in person to do whatever this favor is for her, then yeah, I would definitely be asking her to make dinner. Then you can discuss the favors at dinner, because if she wants you to do something for her, she’s got to do something for you first. If she’s not willing to come over and make dinner, then I would just say, “Hey, I told you when we stopped seeing each other that I’m not interested in friendship and only contact me if you wanted to get together, and we’re interested in romance. If you’re not, then you need to stop contacting me and respect my wishes.” So you may have to reiterate that again, that he’s not going to do anything friendship.

In this case, you can see in both of these emails, it’s not like real clean, cut and dry kind of scenario. It’s kind of like a gray area that I discussed in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” That’s a big reason why I do these videos, because everybody’s case is different. Every single example that I put in my book is not going to exactly 100% line up with what you’re potentially experiencing in your life. By answering these, you get all kinds of different ways, because women are different and they have hundreds of different ways that they try to achieve the same objective. When you read the book 10-15 times, you can kind of understand what is going on. Is she putting herself into your orbit and is she doing things for the two of you to get together in person? Is she suggesting that in some way? When you understand the material and the philosophy, you get where she’s coming from and then you know which corrective action to take. Neither one of these guys took the time to really read and learn the book like they needed to. That’s why they’re not picking up, because their example with these girls is not exactly like what they saw in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” or they saw in some of the videos or the clean, cut and dry type of thing that happened to them that I wrote about in the book that had happened to me or some of the other people that I wrote about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.