The Right Headspace

How to get yourself in the right headspace after a breakup setback when you find out your ex has moved on to a new lover or is spending time with another ex of theirs.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss a short email update to the email I answered in my last video coaching newsletter titled, “Figuring Out What’s Next.” In that video coaching newsletter, I discussed what the male viewer should have done differently when his ex reached out to him after they exchanged belongings a few weeks after their breakup. In today’s update, he shares that he just found out that his ex girlfriend has gone on a ski trip with several of her friends, which happens to include one of her previous ex-boyfriends. This has obviously upset him, and he wants to know what he can do to get in the right headspace again. He wonders now if he was just her rebound relationship, and asks me if I think she really dumped him to get back with her ex. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I know you’re busy, but I wanted to give you a status update on what’s been happening since I last emailed you. First, I realized that in my last note I didn’t mention our ages. I’m 32, and she is 30. This morning I found out that my ex recently went on a ski trip to Colorado with a bunch of people, one of whom was her ex. I’m not gonna lie coach, I felt like a month post breakup I was finally getting myself into the right head space.

(Now something has happened that is going to fuck with your ability to be in a peaceful and relaxed state. That’s going to cause you to be fearful, and when you’re driven by fear, you do things that make things worse. A lot of women will have ex-boyfriends that are kind of in the background they’ll start calling when their primary relationship goes sideways.)I’ve been out dating new girls and spending time focused on my purpose. (As a man, you should always be focused on your purpose and your mission in life. That should be paramount.) But now, I feel like shit has gone sideways all over again.

(Nothing really has changed. You’re still broken up, but now you’ve become aware that your ex is now hanging out with an ex of hers. When that happens, that’s something that will definitely get in the way of her missing you and wanting to rekindle things. All of us tend to look at the past through rose-colored glasses. As more time goes by, we tend to think more highly of that person we broke up with, even though at the time of the break up, we had a lot of emotionally strong reasons why we did what we did.)

Now I’m finding myself playing the “what if” game. Was the real reason for our breakup so she could get back with this ex? (No, the real reason she broke up with you is because she fell out of love with you. You were doing and saying things that caused her to lose attraction. Women don’t dump guys they’re in love with. If you’re getting dumped when you thought everything was okay, it’s like it totally came out of the blue, but that doesn’t happen unless you’re doing and saying things that’s turning the other person off.)

Was our relationship just a long rebound? (Well, obviously if she had been dating this particular guy right before you got together with her, she’s not the kind of girl that is comfortable being single for any period time. She doesn’t end a relationship until she knows she’s got a replacement. Unfortunately, a lot of women are like that. Women know it’s a lot easier to get over somebody if you’ve got something new going on in your life.)I know that focusing on this isn’t helpful, but after feeling like I was getting back to a good place, the tables have turned. Would James Bond be asking these types of questions? Fuck no. He’d appreciate the time he had and be focused on what’s his next step.

(Perfect. You answered your own question. What do you have control over? You don’t have any control over the fact she’s hanging out with the ex. She was probably lining that up before she got rid of you. It’s not about going no contact. You close one door, you’re opening another and looking to create something new. You’re moving on. In other words, if you don’t hear from that person, if she doesn’t reach out, you literally will never speak again. It’s not a technique, it’s a way of life, a way of being. It’s a negotiation. She gave you terms that were not desirable, weren’t to your liking, and now you’re out of here. You’re walking away from those terms, because those terms are unacceptable. It’s a weak position when you leave and give the impression you’re going forever, and then a week or two later, you start calling and contacting them again, because then you really didn’t mean what you said. That’s when it comes off that you are using a technique, which is not going to help you either.)

I will continue to stick to no contact and refocus my energies on improving myself and becoming the best version of me I can be. I appreciate everything you do coach. Your work has given me strength to behave the way that I should, even when I don’t feel like it’s the way I should behave.(This email is a good reality check. The reality is, you were dating a woman that is not comfortable being single. She’s going to line up a replacement if she thinks the future of your relationship is in doubt. This tells me she doesn’t have the same kind of confidence a woman who grew up in a healthy family, and who has a great relationship with her mom and dad has, a woman who would take time to heal, spend time with friends and family and get to a place where she’s cool being alone again, before she starts dating. Insecure people have to have somebody else around, because that feeds their ego and gives them validation, and it’s a lot easier for them to move on. If your personal outcome is you want to settle down, do you really want a woman who is going to behave this way when things go sideways? The average guy doesn’t want to put up with that. If you do decide to hang out with this girl, and more than likely she’ll reach out in the future, create an opportunity for sex to happen if you’re so inclined. But you would be much better served to find somebody better.)

Thanks,

Bob

“Life is full of people and circumstances that will test your ability to remain at peace internally. Remaining at peace and taking your time to respond on your terms after careful consideration and thought is a conscious choice. Surround yourself with people who make it easy to stay in a peaceful and relaxed state, because that is also where they live emotionally. The events and circumstances of your life only have the meanings that you give them. You will always do your best work when you are in a peaceful and relaxed state. You can either choose to remain calm and at choice to make the best of all situations, or you can choose to lose your shit and make everything worse by becoming run by irrational emotions.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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