The importance of becoming the unperturbable man who is always centered, masculine, indifferent and calm.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a twenty-eight year-old woman who is a self described alpha female who is about to graduate and become a doctor of Psychology. She met a guy recently who is a med student. Because she asked some high-quality questions, she discovered some major red flags that he was abrasive, hurtful and emotionally abusive towards his ex who had cheated on him and was also a compulsive liar.
She wonders if the conflict they have sometimes is because she is too masculine and not as submissive as she could be. The reality is that she is dating a man who is stuck living in the past, lacks emotional self-control and is too easily perturbable. She asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.
This guy is giving a lot of signs off that he is very perturbable. In other words, he loses it when he gets mad, instead of remaining calm and taking in all of the information, so he can make a rational decision. Because we’re going to make our best decisions when we’re in a peaceful and relaxed state.
I hope you’re amazing as always. My name is Jessica, and I am a 28-year old, 5’1″, fit, Latina, alpha female. I am one year away from obtaining my PhD, I work out consistently, eat a pescatarian diet, juice, and highly value self development, (I work on self development workbooks for my free time from school, topics like communication, positive thinking, self love, etc).
I’ve experienced beta ex-boyfriends in the past who would put me on a pedestal, over pursue, and overall acted weak. This behavior turned me off tremendously, as I felt I had to shift into being dominant, which I really dislike.
So, she dated some weak guys who were not alpha enough. They acted too beta, too passive, if you will, and therefore forced her to move into her masculine to make up for their lack of masculinity. And obviously, feminine is her natural essence, and any woman who’s a feminine woman that has to move into her masculine to make up for her man’s lack of masculinity is going to resent it and not be happy.
Because she doesn’t want to be the leader. She wants to follow, she wants to be submissive. But you’ve got to show that you’re worthy, you’ve got to show that you can handle things.
I am dominant in all areas of my life as I am a high achiever, so I would like to relax in my feminine around a guy I am seeing. I recently met a man I perceived to be an alpha.
Interesting thing about that is guys that come off as jealous, needy, insecure and controlling initially appear like they’re alpha, but it’s not driven because they’re centered and comfortable in themselves. It’s out of a sense of control and insecurity, so they try to force everything in life. And if you get out of line, they’re going to let you know.
But also, what you’ll see as we get later on down the email is they tend to be abusive, and you don’t want that. You want a healthy relationship, a healthy, happy, whole complete person to share your completeness with.
He is a med student who is studying to be a surgeon. He is dominant, handles dates, and makes decisions for us, which I really appreciate. I would consider us to both be pretty emotional people.
Well, she is a Latina. Latinas are definitely known, especially the Brazilian ones, to be very emotional. So, if you’re going to date a very emotional woman, you’ve got to have your shit together. You’ve got to be unperturbable.
When we have conflict, it can either go really good or horribly. When he is not emotionally triggered…
Well, if he’s emotionally triggered all the time, that’s not masculine.
…he is calm, understanding, and listens to me when I express myself. However, when he is emotional, he can be pretty abrasive and hurtful. He is used to having an overly submissive ex-girlfriend of 10 years, but she was only submissive to that extent based on feelings of guilt, as she cheated and lied to him compulsively.
So, he stayed with her for a decade. And she was obviously driven by fear, because he was jealous and he was insecure. Obviously, she cheated on him, but yet she stayed with him. It sounds like a very unhealthy type of relationship. And a guy that stays with a woman that treats him that way for ten years, what do you think his self-esteem is like?
Captain Save-A-Hoe, always trying to fix her, trying to save her, trying to change her. Which obviously the fact that she’s becoming a psychologist, and the same thing like somebody like myself that’s into self-help, you think, “Hey, I can work with this. I can fix this person.” So, naturally, because you help people for a living, you’re going to be naturally inclined to want to do things to try to fix the other person, instead of meeting them where they are, and seeing them where they are, and making a determination based on where they are, whether or not you are a good match. Not falling in love with their potential and how great they could be if they got their shit together.
If they don’t already have their shit together or they’re not in the process of getting it together on their own, it’s not your job to fix them or to save them. Because what happens when you try to save somebody that doesn’t care — you shouldn’t care more about other people than they care about themselves — you’re going to be frustrated, because they’re not going to match your expectations. They’re not doing what you hope that they would do in order to become what you want them to.
He said something alarming to me.
You should pay attention to that. If it’s really alarming, that’s a big deal. It’s not something you sweep under the rug.
He said he was emotionally abusive to her because she hurt him so much, he would hate her during fights and lash out. Due to this, he has some deep seated fears that I will lie or deceive him, and I can feel this in our relationship.
So, he is living in the past. We call it being stuck in the past. He’s stuck reacting to his ex-girlfriend. In reality, it’s not fair to you because that wasn’t you. That wasn’t what he did. But the reality is, if he continues to act this way, eventually it’s going to drive her away and she’s no longer going to be with him.
Obviously, in the ex’s case, he drove her away and she went cheated on him, but yet she stayed with him. And he enabled her behavior, because he kept putting up with it. Probably because he doesn’t have a very high opinion of himself, and that’s not your fault. It’s not your job to fix him or to save him from that. But you’ve also got to recognize that there’s a good chance you’re probably trying to fix or save this guy, when in reality you should be running for the hills.
I am wondering if our conflict can be due to the fact that I am not overly submissive, as I am strong willed, have healthy boundaries, and honor my boundaries during conflict?
Well, the reality is he becomes unperturbable. That’s not masculine. That is a lack of masculinity, that’s a lack of emotional self-control. And you’ve obviously had enough arguments by now to know whether or not he’s capable of exercising emotional self-control. And it sounds like he’s being emotionally abusive to you as well, especially when he gets upset and accuses you of things that you haven’t done, like cheating on him. So in other words, he automatically doesn’t trust you.
Typically, people that go around accusing others all the time of cheating or potentially cheating, it’s because the reality is they’re not a very loyal and faithful person. And so, that is another red flag. Because we tend to, as human beings, we all project what’s inside of us. And if this is a guy you just met and he’s already accusing you of cheating, it’s probably because he might not have been very loyal. Maybe he left that part out. So, you don’t really know.
But the bottom line is, when I see this in my work, because I’ve done tens of thousands of phone sessions over the years, I don’t know how many thousands. Tens of thousands. One hundred thousand emails at this point I’ve gotten over the last fifteen, sixteen years I’ve been doing this. It’s like, you see the same patterns over and over and over again. And people project what’s inside in order to absolve themselves from any personal responsibility for it.
If he crosses my boundaries, I communicate that I am done because he has pushed me past my limit and he does not value my boundaries.
Well, the idea is, you set healthy boundaries, but you also have to enforce them. And if he won’t maintain control and he loses control and then becomes verbally and emotionally and mentally abusive, it’s not your job to be his mommy. It’s not your job to be his psychologist. He’s supposed to be your teammate, your partner. You don’t want a man baby that you’ve got to take care of. And you shouldn’t be making excuses for him, enabling his behavior, just because you’re a psych major.
We are currently not speaking because he violated my boundaries after communicating that I do not like him speaking to me in an ill, abrasive manner concerning my past wounds of body image issues.
She sent a picture of herself, and she’s in amazing shape, so she looks good. But again, the other thing you’ve got to remember is people who have narcissistic tendencies, that’s what they tend to do. They tend to talk shit about you, to bring you down, to cut you down, to make you doubt yourself. So, you’ve got to pay attention to that.
It’s one of the reasons why, especially in my YouTube comments, most of the comments are pretty positive. People help each other. They share stories, they encourage each other. And when we see people being abusive, whether they’re talking shit about me, or talking shit about other people, or talking shit about women in general, it’s like they just get muted. I don’t want their toxic bullshit in my community.
It’s a privilege being there. It’s an NFL locker room, the way I look at it. And as Bill Parcells said, you have groups of people that gather together and all they do is complain about the coaches and other players, and they’re really not team oriented people. And so, they don’t really bring any value. They don’t really bring people together. All they do is sow discord and conflict. And that’s why we just simply don’t put up with it in the YouTube community and mostly Instagram. Instagram, because it gets a little political at times, so we give people a little more leeway there.
But you can always spot the narcissistic types, the people that are always bashing others or talking shit about me or other people. It’s like, I don’t need them in my life. I’m 51 years old, I don’t need that crap. Life’s too short to put up with those kinds of toxic people. Let them go ruin somebody else’s day. Let them go crap all over somebody else’s community who doesn’t monitor their comments as much. You’ve got to control who you allow into your inner circle, because whatever you tolerate, you invite more of in your life.
He tells me I snack too much, and his number one trait on his list is physical fitness.
She’s in amazing shape from the picture that she sent, she looks pretty fucking good. So again, he’s trying to knock you down and make you feel bad about yourself and doubt yourself. And this is what people that are narcissistic tend to do, is they they love bomb you, “Oh, you’re great. You’re amazing. You’re so spectacular,” and once they think they’ve got you hooked, they start slowly cutting you down, putting you down.
And before you know it, months have gone by and now you’re starting to doubt and question yourself. And it’s all because you allowed somebody, a seditious person, to come into your inner circle.
Attached is a photo of myself. I know I am in great shape.
Which she is. She looks amazing.
Which is why his comments about my diet and snacking are strange to me.
Well, like I said, potentially you’re seeing a narcissist. You should definitely read up on that and spot some of that behavior. I did an article years ago called “I Dated a Narcissist.” It could be instructive.
I am also wondering if this is a control issue, as we live two hours apart and he has insecurity issues due to his previous relationship.
Again, it’s not your job to manage his emotions. You want a teammate, an equal, not a man baby, that you’ve got to be a mommy to. And it sounds like you’re trying to be a mommy to a man baby. It’s kind of like the the toxic part of the red pill community that I bring up every now and then. It’s like, these guys just sit there and cry about single moms and “all women are the same.” These guys are all doing a terrible job of pre-qualifying their dating prospects, and then they don’t want to take any responsibility.
I mean, the reality is we make our decisions based on emotions. And a lot of these guys get involved with women, they go through a nasty divorce, and then they fall in love again and then they’re right back trying to get married. And no prenup. They live in California, or they live in states where the laws are completely slanted against them, and you’re going to keep losing half of your net worth every time you go through it.
I have friends who are like this too. They go through a divorce, they’re single, then they get remarried again, and it’s like they’re just in a rush to get another ring on somebody’s finger. It’s like, what’s the rush? Take your time, be a turtle. The turtle always gets there, eventually.
I really love this guy, but I feel as if I cannot communicate or navigate conflict with him in a loving manner when he behaves in this way.
That’s not your fault. It’s not your problem. He’s this way. He was like this before you met him. But you have to recognize that his behavior is not changing. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And if he’s continually violated it and you guys aren’t speaking, and he comes back, what are the odds that he’s going to really change for good, that he’s really going to get his shit together? I mean, try giving him a book like mine, see how he handles it, see if he behaves.
But it doesn’t sound like it from what you shared so far. It sounds like he’s a bit of a narcissist. Like I said, I would definitely assume you’ve probably studied some of that in your psychology classes. If not, go through the article that I did on it. And there’s plenty of stuff on the internet that you can read about it.
These are the kinds of people that will screw your self-esteem up and cause you to doubt yourself the longer you stay involved with them, because that’s just how they operate. They make themselves feel better by tearing you down. Because one of our six human needs is significance. In other words, I’m important, I matter, my contributions matter. And if they feel that somebody else matters more than they do, that if they can knock you down a few notches below them, then they feel significant, they feel more important than you and they feel like they matter.
That’s why these people are so toxic. They get validation by making other people feel like shit. You cannot allow these people into your inner circle. You just absolutely cannot. Life is too hard. And it could take years to recover from a toxic narcissist.
I work hard on myself and even bought us a communication workbook to complete together. I completed my part, and he has not completed his or even worked on it recently.
Check, please. He belongs to the fucking streets. That’s not a teammate, that’s somebody that’s all about me. There’s no me in team.
I also want to say your material is 100% true, for any men out there who doubt you. This is coming from a soon to be doctor of Psychology.
Thank you for your guidance.
I know. That’s why I always say, even if you think I’m full of shit, you can read my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man” for free, “Mastering Yourself” totally for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. And if you apply it, you’re going to see that it works. That’s why I said, don’t believe me. Go read the book and go apply it. Go observe other human beings, and you’ll see that what I teach is absolutely spot on.
So, if I were you, I’d get the hell out of there and get away from this guy, and get together with a guy, date guys that have their shit together. It’s like, there’s enough red flags, enough evidence here for you to be like, “I’m going on down the road.”
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The unperturbable man is a man who is sure of himself, calm, indifferent to chaos and exercises emotional self control. Exercising emotional self-control when angry or upset is the definition of masculinity. Remaining calm under fire or pressure is the best state to be in, because we make better and more efficient decisions when we are in a peaceful and relaxed state. The unperturbable man chooses to remain calm, centered and in control of himself because he experiences his emotions, but is not hijacked by them.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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