Too Much Hot & Cold Behavior Makes Me Wonder What’s Going On

How to determine why her behavior is hot & cold instead of consistent & warm.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who often hears what a great guy he is but the spark isn’t strong enough. He says the girls he really likes never fall in love with him. He’s been seeing a woman he met a few months ago but when she met up with him while on vacation recently her attitude was terrible and the intimacy was lacking.

Now he hasn’t heard from her in eight days and wonders what’s going on. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s been following my work for about six months. He’s on his sixth read of 3% Man, and he’s got a problem that pretty much probably most of the guys watching this video have had at one point in their lives. Obviously, one of the reasons why they probably came to my work, and what he tends to notice is that the women he really likes, he’s really into, seem to eventually fade away. They basically say things like, “You’re a really great guy, but I’m not feeling enough of a spark.” Then they fade away.

So he’s met a woman at the end of November, started doing one date per week, and he happened to be on vacation for three weeks. Then, I guess, a week or two into his vacation, she said, “Hey, I’m going to be in the area. What do you think about meeting up?” So he goes and he picks her up and she’s just in like a foul mood the whole time. She wasn’t very open to intimacy or hooking up or anything. He was just thinking, “Well, I guess this girl doesn’t like me.” Then when he got back a few days later, she called and texted. I guess she was still on vacation at that point. Now eight days have gone by and hasn’t heard anything, and he’s wondering, “What the hell?”

So the simple answer for why the women you really like don’t seem to be that into you, versus the women that you’re kind of indifferent to, you could “Take it or leave it,” are all over you, is because you treat them completely different. In other words, the women you really like, you’re too nice, you’re too soft, you’re too compliant. Typically, guys in that situation presuppose the worst. In other words, they presuppose they’re going to get rejected or she’s going to fade away like all the other girls that they felt that way about.

So what happens is you pursue too much, you’re too nice, you’re too soft, you’re too, too compliant, you’re less inclined to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. In other words, if you have an opinion on something and she has something different, you might change your opinion to match hers because you’re worried about upsetting her, pissing her off, or turning her off. The actions that you take when you’re in that state of mind, actually turn her off, because you don’t have the conviction to stand up for yourself and what you believe in and give a little push-back. If you like blue cars, she says she likes red cars, the beta male is going to change his opinion. “Well, I always kind of liked red cars. Those are really nice, too,” that kind of thing. The woman quickly realizes that when push comes to shove, if she sees something differently or disagrees, he’ll change his opinion to match hers because it’s pleaser mentality. Women want a guy that will be honest, brutally honest if necessary, and tell him like it is, tell them what they really think, even if they’re going to disagree on it because they want you to be honest, authentic, and real. When a guy is worried about a woman’s approval, then what happens is his opinions tend to go by the wayside.

It’s like the same thing that happens when guys get into a relationship. He’s got a poker night with his buddies and she complains, “Well, you’re always playing poker with those guys. You don’t spend enough time with me and the kids,” or whatever happens to be. So the guy thinks, “OK well, you know what? If I stop playing poker, then she’ll stop complaining about that.” So they stop playing poker. They let those friendships fall by the wayside over the coming months and years. Then she’s got a problem with his other hobbies or the car that he’s been working on that he’s been fixing up, she complains about that it takes up too much room, he’s spending too much money, they could use money for this or that, and the guy goes, “Well, if I get rid of the car, she’ll stop complaining about that and we could use the money for the kids, the house, an addition, or a new pool,” whatever happens to be. So they get rid of that, and then years later, their friends are gone, their hobbies are gone, they’re a shell of their former self. Then the woman leaves and says, “You’ve changed. You’re not the same guy that I fell in love with,” and the guy’s thinking, “I did everything you said you wanted, yet you’re leaving.”

So this is where it’s important to recognize that behavior, that you got to treat all women the same. You got to treat the women that you’re super into, just like the women that you’re kind of indifferent, and you could “Take it or leave it,” because that’s what turns women on. Women like a guy that is a challenge. They like a guy that they have to work to get. Not a guy who’s super easy, super compliant, doesn’t have any opinions, or he just basically acts like a doormat, if she’s disrespectful to him, he puts up with it, that kind of thing. The more he puts up with it, the worse her behavior and treatment get.

So with that in mind, let’s go through the email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been following your work for six months and I am on my sixth read of 3% Man. It usually feels easy to me to get to know women and get on dates, but with girls I’m interested in, I don’t get to the point where they fall in love with me.

It’s so great. It’s been nice and quiet all morning, and as soon as I sit down and start filming a video, I got some retard banging on the the concrete with a hammer. So if the dogs start barking, I apologize in advance. There’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t know what’s going on, but it just seems like that’s the way life is, you know? Like it’s never what you expect. So what can you do? You gotta roll with it.

So what happens is that you notice these girls are, because your behavior is different, you got to treat them all the same. Women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, and for their feelings to develop. When you’re dating a girl you really like, and you’ve never really been in a long-term relationship with somebody that knocks your socks off and gone through the whole relationship process, gone through the infatuation honeymoon period that lasts for about a year, maybe a year-and-a-half tops typically, to see that she’s going to stick around, as long as obviously you apply what’s in the book, then you kind of get over that fear. If you’ve never been with somebody like that long-term, then what typically happens is that you’re full of fear and you do and you say things that you wouldn’t do with somebody that you’re not that interested in. So you’ve got to treat all women the same.

So when you’re afraid that she’s going to leave you or that she’s going to lose interest like all the other ones you really liked, you call too much, you text too much, your text replies are longer than hers, you’re texting her back quicker than she texts you, when she starts to back away, instead of just letting her be and assuming she’s like a cat, she’ll be back in a few days, or maybe a few hours when her interest ticks back up a little bit. Then you’ll tend to reach out, you’ll tend to call, and you’ll tend to text. So what happens is you’re constantly breaking the tension, you’re breaking the anticipation, the sexual anticipation that needs to build up, and when the woman has had enough of it and has missed you enough, then she reaches out. Now the guy that really cares and doesn’t know any better when he feels that she’s not as attentive or interested, isn’t as high, he goes into “I gotta fix it” mode, thinking that there’s something wrong, when in reality it’s just the way women are. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

So as the book says, if you notice a woman backing off and becoming a little colder and a little distant, then you want to match and mirror those actions and assume that maybe you’ve been calling too much, texting too much, and being too attentive. You know, spending too much time on the phone, those kinds of things, or lingering when you should excuse yourself and let her wonder about you. So it’s just something that you have to go through enough.

This is another reason why I say you got to read the book 10 to 15 times, because if you knew it backwards and forwards, when you notice the cold behavior or the fact that she’s kind of hot and cold, she was hot the other day, but now she’s kind of cold, you’d understand that women are like cats, and you examine your own behavior and you realize, “Well, I didn’t really do anything to turn her off or display any unattractive behavior,” because all that stuff is listed in the book. “So while I have to assume that maybe she’s in a different headspace, maybe it’s that time of the month, maybe she’s got some things going on so I can’t freak out just because she seems to be a little distant or a little less enthusiastic.” You don’t take those things personally. You just understand that’s the way women are. Feminine energy is chaos. One day she’s super hot and super into you, and the next day she just might be lukewarm again because maybe she’s on her period or she’s got things going on.

The point being is that you can’t get emotional, upset, and perturbed when a woman’s feelings and emotions don’t match what you expect. In other words, you’ve decided ahead of time that you’re going to be happy no matter what, and you’re driving the fun bus. If she’s excited and happy to be with you, she gets to join you. If she’s boring or she shows up in a bad mood, you can ask her what’s going on or why she’s feeling that way, or get her to talk and open up. If she won’t do that, she refuses to do that, or she still has a bad attitude, well you can always let her get off the fun bus and give her the gift of missing you and tell her to get in touch when she feels better or when she wants to be nice. You don’t tolerate abuse or a woman being rude or being nasty to you, which you’ll kind of see.

You’re basically not letting them fall in love with you. Love is allowing. So you’re basically not allowing women to love you because you’re afraid they won’t, and when you’re afraid they won’t, you pursue too much, you call too much, you text too much, you’ll tend to try to shoehorn yourself into their lives when you really should just be letting them be because again, you’re afraid you’re going to lose them. Since you’re driven by your fear, as the book says, what you fear, you attract. Then what happens is your actions are driven by fear, and the thing you fear, which is losing them, you actually make that happen because you chase them out of your life.

“You are such a great guy and I love doing things with you, but the spark is just not strong enough.”

So that tells me they have not had enough time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, and to fear losing you. The only way you really will own a woman’s heart is if she knows that if she pushes you too far, you’re going to walk and never look back. The problem is, when the guy really cares, he’s not willing to just let her be, even if that means they don’t ever speak again. So she never really gets to feel his strength and feel that tension when she’s crossed the line or she’s gone too far and he just stops moving forward because he doesn’t like her behavior.

So despite acts of disrespect or low interest or whatever it happens to be, he keeps pursuing and pursuing, trying to fix things or change things as her interest continues to go down until he gets the, “The spark is not strong enough,” kind of speech. So that right there tells me, because all women say the same thing, that he continued to pursue while her interest was dropping, and the more her interest dropped and the more she backed away, the more he typically pursued and made up for that.

That’s frustrating. Currently I might be in a similar situation. At least, it feels like it.

I met this girl (both of us are 39) in beginning of November. I stuck with calling her once a week. After making out on the first two dates, her initiating contact increased and we finally did the indoor Olympics on date three.

So as the book says, you’re going to set one date per week, and as her interest goes up, she’ll start texting you, calling you, or FaceTiming you every couple of days. When that happens, since she’s initiating that contact, you assume that she wants to see you and you just make the next date whether you invite her over to hang out, if she’s already been to your house, or you just make another date, and that’s how you go from one date per week that you arrange, that you pursue and you call, to maybe potentially seeing her two or three times in a week.

Say you see her three times in a week because you set the one date. Then a day later she reached out, you set another date, so you saw her the next night. A couple nights later she reached out again, then maybe you spent one night in the weekend with her. So that week you saw her for three nights. Now all of a sudden, Tuesday rolls around and you haven’t heard from her in three or four days. Well, if you’re only going to call once per week, I’d let it stretch out to maybe Thursday, because again, you’re trying to create the conditions where she feels that tension because that is something that’s a process that women have to go through so they can feel your strength, so they can feel what it’s like when you’re not around. It’s like, in a lot of a lot of ways, kind of like playing a game of chicken.

As Doc Love used to say, “You have to outwait and outwit women,” because the guy that’s not willing to do that gets upset, he’s overly emotional and he acts like a girl too much, which obviously is going to turn women off.

She was funny, easygoing, super hot and had a playful energy.

Two days after the third date I went on a three-week vacation. When we were talking about my vacation, she mentioned that she was also on vacation somewhere only a two-hour drive away from me. On the 10th day of my vacation, she called and asked me if I could imagine her coming over and us spending two days together. “Of course, that would be great!” I answered. After that phone call, everything went sideways.

So she’s reaching out and she wants to meet up. I tell her where to be and where to show up.

Hours later, she texted me saying she was so happy to see me again. But she also had to tell me that having sex on our last date had happened too quickly, that she felt a bit uncomfortable and that she’d like to take things a little slower. That’s why we shouldn’t share a room.

Well, then she can get her own apartment. I wouldn’t be buying her a hotel room. I would be like, “Well, you’re welcome to stay with me. If you want to get your own place, that’s cool too.” That’s how I would handle that. The fact that she’s bringing up the sex and she wants things to go a little slower tells me that the little slut alarm is going off and she feels guilty for sleeping with you.

Remember, as the book says, sex has got to be the man’s fault. So that shouldn’t be something that, because when a guy hears that, they think, “Oh well, I just won’t try to seduce her or kiss her and I’ll wait for her to seduce me.” All she’s really saying is she basically said, “I feel guilty for sleeping with you because it happened so quickly.” That tells me that you actually did a pretty good job on your first couple of dates, because she got so turned on and slept with you. Maybe normally she doesn’t sleep with guys that soon. So when you hear a statement like that, you shouldn’t take that as, “Oh, I should stop pursuing or stop trying to seduce her when we’re together.” Just understand that she’s feeling guilty about it and is just putting that out there.

At the end of the day, your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, have fun, and hook up, because women will say that and then the next time you get together, you’ll hook up and they’ll say, “Wow, that’s the best sex we’ve had so far.”

I just said “Sure, just tell me where and when I can pick you up.” But I am confused that she is slowing things down (sex) and reaching out (vacation together) at the same time!

Well, that’s the thing, because you didn’t know any better. I mean, that’s going to happen. So you shouldn’t let the fact that she’s basically confessing she feels guilty that she had sex with you so soon, stop you from trying to seduce her in the future. That’s what the nice guy does. So the important thing is to make sure she feels safe and comfortable, and you follow the seduction process that’s laid out in the book and you won’t have any issues.

When I picked her up, she was upset.

I would have just invited her to come to where you were staying, and then you could have gone on a date. I wouldn’t have gone out to pick her up there because again, she’s driving for like two, two-and-a-half hours to see you. So I’d have her drive all the way there.

“Why is the weather so bad? I was here years ago, and everything was so much nicer.”

See, this is where the nice guy is very accommodating. What I would have said is like, “Hey, don’t be a Debbie Downer. This is vacation. We’re supposed to have a good time.” So that’s the type of thing where you bust her balls a little bit and you’re a little playful with her in a playful way. Saying that lets her know that her behavior and her attitude is kind of not OK. You don’t say it in an angry way. You say, “Hey, don’t be a Debbie Downer, babe. We’re on vacation here. We’re supposed to have a good time. I want to have fun. By the way, you look cute in that dress.”

And this mood never changed.

Because you didn’t use humor to interrupt that pattern. You probably started apologizing or rationalizing that. In reality, if you’re driving the fun bus and you decided ahead of time that you want to have fun and your fair maiden shows up and starts bitching about the weather, break her balls about it, tease her about it. It’s like, “Holy shit, did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed today? Like why aren’t you in a good mood? You’re on vacation and you’re with my handsome self. You’re with this sexy body. You’re with this sexy dude. What have you got to be complaining about?”

During those two days we had great experiences, but she never seemed as joyful and energetic as I knew her to be.

Well, it’s your job to set the standard and to set the vibe, and by using playfulness and teasing her in the way I just mentioned, letting her know that her crappy attitude is not OK.

There was emotional distance, less physical contact, a bad mood, and no sexual desire.

Well, love is playful and fun. If somebody’s in a crappy mood and you want to have a good time, that’s the way you tease her. If she stays in a crappy mood, say, “Hey, you know, I’m on vacation for the next few weeks and I want to have a good time. For whatever reason you’re like, not in a good mood and you’re not having fun. I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe you got something you want to talk about, or maybe you just need some time by yourself to process your feelings, but I want to have a good time, honey. I’ll understand if you’re not feeling well or you got some things going on and you want a little time alone in your hotel or whatever, I’m happy to drop you back off, and when you feel better, hit me up because I want to have a good time.” That’s what a man’s going to do.

The beta male will just keep putting up with it. That’s part of the problem, because deep down, she knows she’s out of line and you’re not putting her in her place in a playful way. So by doing that, you enable her behavior. You’re basically giving her permission to stay in that negative state instead of calling her out on it, and that kind of behavior is what leads women to basically say, “Yeah, I’m not feeling it,” because she shows up and knows that she’s a fucking drag to be around. Chad Thundercock ain’t going to put up with that. He’s going to break her balls, tease her, and if she still is in a crappy mood, he’s going to tell her that she needs to change her attitude or he’s going to drop her off and she can get in touch when she’s in a better mood, because again, you’re on vacation and you’re doing her a favor by letting her show up and hang out with you on your vacation.

Since I couldn’t find a way to improve her mood or arouse sexual desire, I tried my best to remain unaffected and focus on having my own fun.

So yeah, you just admitted that you didn’t call her out on it, which that is a screw-up there. Again, you’re the leader and this is your kingdom, and you’ve decided you want to have a good time. If this woman shows up in a bad mood, you’re going to call her out on it. If her mood doesn’t change, well you’re going to give her the gift of missing you and let her go do something else so you can enjoy her vacation and tell her to get in touch when she feels better.

Let me clarify one thing: Her mood didn’t decrease over these two days. Her mood was bad right from the beginning and remained (With little ups and downs).

Again, because you allowed it. You enabled it. This is what being a leader is all about.

On the last evening she told me, “I have to apologize. I don’t know what’s been wrong with me these past few days. I just have no energy. It’s not you. I want you to know that I see and appreciate everything you’ve organized (trips, restaurants).” Our time together ended with a passionless goodbye kiss.

So again, if she’s saying things like that, “Yeah, you’ve been kind of a Debbie Downer, and I’ve had about as much fun as watching paint dry when you’re in a crummy mood.” Again, the problem is you kept hanging out with her and you allowed that vibe to continue. You’re supposed to be the leader. You penetrate her with your strength. You don’t just sit there and take a negative attitude and basically let the girl ruin your vacation and your time together. It’s like, in essence, she’s taking the wheel of the fun bus.

I don’t know if you saw last year there was a video that went viral on Twitter, and this guy’s got this brand new car. His girlfriend’s in the passenger seat, and they’re not getting along. He just got this thing, and she was kind of nutty. She’s like one of those hot and crazy girls. She took his wheel, turned it and drove the car right into the wall and wrecked his new car. So I guess he had like a dash cam on the inside and the whole thing was filmed. So that’s basically, in essence, what you did. You let her take the wheel and steer you right over the cliff. So it’s your job as the man to set the vibe and hold everybody accountable to that using playful humor. If it doesn’t stop, you’ll invite them to go do something else because you’re on vacation and you want to have fun.

I thought I’d never hear from her again, but she texted me soon, sending me updates from her trip.

The day after she returned home, she called me and told me about the rest of her vacation, during which she mostly got really ill. I didn’t make plans for the next date assuming it was too soon because of her illness…

I would have just said, “Well, I’d love to see you again when you’re feeling better. So why don’t you take some time to get better and hit me up and let’s go out on a date and catch up? I’d love to see you when you’re feeling better,” and leave it at that. Give her the time and space to follow through on that, or to flake out and disappear forever, because again, if you had other choices and other options, this woman shows up in the middle of your vacation and with that crappy attitude, I spend less time with her. Your interest in her should be dropping. Therefore, I would put less effort into it and you stop moving forward because she’ll feel that. She’ll feel that you’re not really trying to get together because again, the last time you got together, she was in a crappy mood and kind of ruined your vacation and you allowed it. So she gets the gift of missing you because of that crappy behavior. If she never reaches out. So what? On to the next. Her attitude disqualifies her.

So you’re entertaining too much BS, and this is the crux of the issue of why women are dumping you that you really like and telling you that they have no spark, because you allow it. You allow them to derail your fun times. You allow them to drive your fun bus over the cliff with you in it.

…The fact that she just returned and her past distant behavior. That was eight days ago and there has been no further contact since (We’ve never had no-contact for so long before).

I wouldn’t reach out to her at all just because of her attitude. I’d be dating other girls because that’s kind of disqualifying. Granted, you allowed it, but I would just let her reach out. If she never reaches out, well on to the next.

You’re looking for enthusiasm. You’re looking for a woman who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, she’s nice to you, she makes your dick hard and not your life. This woman is making your life hard. On top of that, she’s a fucking drag. You get together and all she did was give you blue balls. Why would you want to sign up for another helping of that? Hopefully she’ll reach out when she’s better and she’s got a better attitude. So give her the gift of missing you permanently. I would not reach out to her at all again. When a woman shows you this kind of an attitude, no matter how hot she is or how much you like her, I just let her be.

Why did she want to spend two days of vacation with me but was emotionally absent right from the beginning?

Well, because you allowed it. You’re the man. You’re the leader. You’re the one with the penis. You penetrate her with your strength. You allow her to show up and be a Debbie Downer and you didn’t call her out on it. Again, this is the whole issue that you’re having, why the women you really like disappear and say there’s no chemistry, there’s no spark, because you put up with this shit.

Is friend-zone coming in or shall I just relax (I feel a distance/interest drop)?

Well, women are like cats. Quite frankly, why would you want to reach out and reward her shitty behavior? Because if you call her and you text her to set another date, despite all that crappy behavior and despite the interest drop, you’re basically inviting more of it. In this way, we want her to worry, “You know what? I was kind of an ass on the trip, and I haven’t heard from Bob. Maybe I turned him off. Maybe he met somebody else. Maybe he doesn’t want to see me anymore. Maybe my bad attitude ruined it.” You want her to start to feel fear that and feel it, most importantly.

The fallback position is a week and she called me the last time but since I did a lot (Organizing everything on vacation), I really feel like she should reach out first.

I’d appreciate any feedback. Donation was sent out. Thank you very much!

Bob

That is absolutely correct. I wouldn’t reach out to her at all, but be prepared, you may never hear from her again. At the end of the day, you don’t reward a bad attitude and a shitty time with more of your time and attention. The greatest gift you can give anybody is the gift of your time, and she wasted your vacation time and she had a crappy attitude. If you had two or three other women that had a good attitude and were never like this with you, you’d spend time with them. You wouldn’t even call this girl again.

If she reaches out, if she’s in a good attitude or has a good attitude, then I’d make the next date. If she’s cranky, just say, “You know, I had a really good time the first few dates, but quite frankly, when we got together on vacation, you were in a bad mood, and you weren’t a lot of fun to be around. I would like to go out with you again, but I want to only go out with you if you’re going to be in a nice mood and you’re going to be happy to see me. I don’t want to go out if you’re in a crappy mood or you’re not very nice. So if you want to go out and you want to apologize for the way you behave last time, we can go out. If not, then it’s been nice meeting you. Hit me up if you ever change your mind. I want to have a good time and you were a total drag last time you hung out. You were a Debbie Downer.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. You can do a 7-day free trial to check out all the great content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, and sign up for a premium membership trial today.