How to figure out and understand why your girlfriend dumped you, so you can either re-attract her or attract someone better.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who is trying to understand why he got dumped by his girlfriend of a year, for the guy she told him not to worry about. She apparently has a lot of guy friends and had been friends with the guy she dumped him to be with for about ten years.
She told him that she needed to go find herself, because she never really took the time to be single before they met, but yet she is now dating this other guy. Her explanations make no sense to him, and he asks my opinion on what the hell happened. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Hey Coach Corey,
This is my first time reaching out to you. I have watched several of your newsletter videos on YouTube and wanted to reach out for your advice.
(Well, I highly encourage you to read my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, 10-15 times. You’ve got to learn the fundamentals. If you’re just trying to cherry-pick information in the videos, the success you have may be attainable, but it won’t be sustainable. The idea is, you want to get better, you want to fill in your knowledge gap, and you want to correct the behaviors that are turning off the women you’re dating. You want to become better at pre-qualifying the women you date, so you don’t make shitty choices in the future and get into a relationship with somebody that’s not capable of monogamy or having a normal, healthy relationship.)
I was in a relationship for nearly a year. I thought my girlfriend and I were amazingly happy together, but I started to notice that I was being kept a secret from her guy friends. Only a small amount of friends knew we were together, mainly female.
I understand that her past relationships were very controlling, but I wasn’t trying to control her. I told her several times that I felt uncomfortable she wanted to hang out 1 on 1 with these guys, 1 guy in particular. They text and message each other every day, and she told me not to worry about him, that they are just friends and have been for 10 years.
(When a woman says, “Don’t worry about that guy,” what it really means is “Don’t worry about that guy until I decide to start sleeping with him.” The reality is, if there’s a guy that they’re in constant contact with every day, or hanging out with all the time, more than likely, that guy’s a fucking beta male, he’s repressed his feelings, and he’s hoping eventually he’s going to get his shot at dating her.)
I continued to go with it, because I loved her so much, but it still got to me.
(If she’s talking to another guy just about every other day, that’s not normal behavior. This is the kind of behavior of insecure women. Maybe something’s missing from your relationship that you hadn’t realized, and this guy fulfills that need.
Sometimes women like this will be in a relationship with a guy who’s an alpha male and doesn’t do any talking, conversing or opening up, because he doesn’t give a fuck about it, so she’ll have two or three male orbiters she’s always talking to, usually behind his back, that fulfill that need for connection. You don’t want to be with a woman who has two or three dudes in the background she knows want to fuck her, because when things don’t go well, or the future of your relationship looks in doubt, she’s going to be calling these dudes. There’s no loyalty in that.
These are typically women who come from relationships or families where there was lots of cheating, serial dishonesty or broken families, so that’s how they learn to adapt. They learned to lie, and they learned to get what they need from multiple men, because they just didn’t have what it takes as a woman to attract a man who’s completely well-rounded.)
We would argue a lot about it, up until she broke up with me about 2 months ago. She stated that she “wanted to find herself” and that she never got to fully experience a single life.
(In other words, she wanted to experience many other men. That’s what she’s telling you.)
She said she never got to just be alone.
(That sounds reasonable, but the reality is, she’s basically telling you, “I don’t want to be with you anymore. I want to go fuck other guys, and I’ve got the guys lined up that I want to fuck.”)
Well, I accidentally stumbled across her guy friend’s Facebook, because he had mutual friends with me, and saw they went on a date, and she went to his place the next night. It gave me that sinking feeling in my stomach, and still does. I feel she left me for this guy, and I don’t know what to do.
(She’s his problem now, and she did you a favor. This guy has been friends with her for ten years. Obviously he has wanted to get in her pants for ten years, and maybe it’s finally paid off for him. Maybe he finally acted alpha enough to where she started to feel sexual attraction for him.
You’re right that it’s not normal behavior to have your girlfriend spending as much time with someone other dude, or a couple of dudes, who are all single, when you’re supposedly in a relationship with her. Women that I’m friends with, I don’t talk to them every fucking single day. That’s not normal behavior.
If you’re dating a woman and she has tons of guy friends like this, you can tell these are thirsty beta males that are in the background. They’re the male orbiters, and they really want to date the girl. They’re just waiting around for their opportunity. That should be a major red flag for you. If you two get serious and those guys don’t fall by the wayside and disappear, then you’re going to have problems down the road.
If you’re going to have an exclusive, monogamous relationship with a woman who is so insecure she’s got to have two or three other “friends,” when you hear that shit, you should understand, that’s probably a good fuck-buddy, friends-with-benefits, open relationship kind of person. That’s not somebody that’s capable of exclusivity and monogamy. And as a man, you don’t want some other dude out in your backyard trying to sneak in when you’re not around.
Going forward in the future, when you see these kinds of things, they bother you and you talk about it, you’ve got to understand that’s obviously an insecure woman, and you want to be a little more inquisitive. Women are typically going to always talk about their past relationships, so if you get an inkling something is off, just probe. Be like Sherlock Holmes, because she’ll tell you everything that’s going on. If she starts talking about boyfriends that she cheated on, or she’s got all these guys that are “just friends” and “don’t worry about him,” unless the dude is gay, you should assume there’s a good chance he’s a fucking beta male, and she’s giving him the impression that someday he’s going to be able to get into her pants.
What I would do in this particular case is read “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Watch the video, and follow the instructions in there. I would never call or text this woman again for any reason unless you want to hook up with her one more time. Invite her to your place to make dinner together. Don’t go pick her up, and don’t go meet her out. If she wants to see you, she can come over, bring a bottle of wine, make some dinner together, hang out, have fun and hook up.
I would never get into a relationship again with this woman. She has no concept or clue about what loyalty and monogamy is, because she’s insecure and weak. And you don’t want an insecure and weak woman raising your children, because she’s going to raise them to be weak and insecure like her. And on top of that, you’re not going to know for sure, unless you do a DNA test, that your kids are actually your kids, because obviously, if she’s doing all this shit behind your back, and he’s “just a friend and you don’t have to worry about him,” she’s got no integrity. Don’t try to turn a fucking hoe into a housewife. I know it’s harsh, but that’s reality.
In the big scheme of things, you’ve got to do a better job of pre-screening and pre-qualifying the women you date, you’ve got to be a little more inquisitive, and you’ve got to pay more attention to the red flags when you see them.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Insecure women tend to need validation and attention from many men at the same time. They typically have several male “orbiters” always in the background, even when they are supposedly in committed relationships. These male “friends” are guys who want to date and sleep with them, but just aren’t alpha enough or more alpha than their primary lover. When the future of their current relationship looks in doubt, they start spending time with the male orbiters to line up a replacement or to fill the needs that aren’t being met by their primary lover. Women who have a healthy self-esteem would never do this. They look forward to being alone and single for a while after a breakup, so they can heal before they start dating again. Women with a healthy self-esteem make much better long-term relationship prospects, because they will hold out for the right guy, and not settle for Mr. Right Now.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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