How to make sense of getting very mixed signals from women, so you can get out of friends-zone, relationship limbo and create sexual attraction and real intimacy.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who broke up with his ex-girlfriend almost a year ago. He wants to know if it’s too late to save his relationship and get her back to wanting to be exclusive with him. When he backs off, they spend more time together, but the sex is sporadic and only when she is in the mood. Most of the time he gets the cheek when he tries to kiss her.
When he dates other women she gets jealous, but then says she feels pressured when he is willing to stop dating other women so they can be exclusive. He admits he still contacts her when he can’t control himself, but wants to know if the situation can be turned around. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Me and my ex broke up almost a year ago to the day and have since been on and off, dating, tried being friends and everything in between.
(You should never try to be friends or agree to be friends with a woman when you want sex and romance, but she’s sticking you in friend-zone, because agreeing to be friends means you have to acquiesce to just being friends, and that’s dishonest to yourself. It’s a lie. You really want sex and romance. You either get what you want, or you move on to find somebody else who will give you what you want.)
When we spend time together, she wants to cuddle up and spend as much time together as we did when we were in a relationship. However, I keep getting the cheek whenever I try to kiss her, and we have sex rarely if she’s in the mood, and as long as neither of us are dating other people at the time.
(Reading that statement tells me, it doesn’t sound like you don’t know the fundamentals that are in my book, so you definitely should be reading that. As I say in the book, your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, not walk on your hands and jump through your butt trying to impress her.
What’s happening is, you’re not being the leader. You’re sitting around, waiting for her to make a decision. It’s like the bus analogy. The bus driver has a limited time offer. You either get on or get off the bus. He’s got other stops to make. He won’t sit there all day and wait for you to make up your mind. That’s how a man should be. Make an invitation, and if it’s not enthusiastically accepted, “Hey, get in touch with me when you figure out your schedule, and we’ll plan something then.” Then you go on with your life.
Eventually you get to the point where you’ve had enough of this shit. You’re either in, or you’re out, but you’ve got to set things up in the right way. And you should definitely review the “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” article I did a few years ago.)
She will tell me at times that she still loves me, but if I ever question that later on, she’ll deny it and say she still has feelings for me, but isn’t in love with me anymore.
(When a woman says “I love you,” it means I love you in that moment. If she told you “I love you” six months ago and hasn’t said it since, that means she’s not in love with you now. Again, it’s indicative of how she’s feeling in the moment. From her perspective, it is true that she loves you, but she’s not in love with you. You trying to lock her down is like trying to make the weather always stay the same.)
I’ve made it known to her I want to get back together or at least date without us seeing other people, however she tells me she just isn’t back in that place yet.
(Great. You don’t put your life on hold for that. You say, “I’m going to date other people. You date other people. If you want to see me, get in touch. I’d love to see you, but other than that, I’m just going to continue getting on with my life. I’m going to find somebody who’s not sitting on the fence, trying to decide whether or not to be with me. I want somebody who would jump fences to be with me. I’d still like to see you and see where it goes, so give me a call when you want to get together.” If she reaches out, make a date.
At this point, I wouldn’t take her out, I wouldn’t meet her out. I wouldn’t do any of that shit. Try to make a date. Invite her to your place to make dinner together in the evening. If she won’t do that, withdraw the offer. Like I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you’re only going to ask her out on two separate, consecutive occasions when she reaches out first. If she doesn’t accept either one of those invitations, then stop asking. One of two things will happen, she’ll either stop calling or texting you, or eventually she’ll bring up getting together.
You should be focused on your outcome. Your outcome is not trying to get your ex back. Your outcome is to have a girlfriend and a great relationship. That’s impossible when you’ve got somebody who’s indecisive, has already dumped you and has told you she’s not that into you. Your outcome is only possible if you’re going out on dates with women that are ready, willing and open to dating you, and this girl is on the fence. It’s weakness to put your life on hold.)
I keep trying to move on with my life and tell her only to contact me if she wants to see me romantically.
(That’s what you’re supposed to do, but you’re not really doing that. You’re kind of half in and half out. You’re half-assing the principles you’re learning from me, because it doesn’t sound like you read the book, and you don’t know them very well. It’s not really going anywhere. It’s been a whole year. That’s torture dude.
A hundred percent of the calling, texting and pursuing should be done by her at this point. You’ve got somebody that has stuck you in limbo. In other words, she’s looking for other guys. She’s looking for your replacement. She’s looking for somebody who makes her feel something romantically, because obviously she isn’t feeling for you. With you continuing to reach out, pursue, be indecisive and put your life on hold, that makes you look weak. She’s comfortable keeping you stuck in backup position, because she knows you’ll put up with it while she looks for somebody else.)
However, when she does get back in contact, we go straight back to the normal patterns, kiss on the cheek, etc.
(You shouldn’t be kissing your ex-girlfriend on the cheek. It’s either a kiss on the lips, or see you later.)
If she doesn’t contact me, I normally find reason to cheat myself into thinking I should contact her. I know, I know!!
(Dude, you’ve been employing this strategy for a year, and it’s not getting you anywhere. You’re doing it to yourself. You choose to consciously not exercise emotional self-control. Don’t be surprised when all you get is her cheek.)
We’re both currently dating other people, but still keep meeting up and acting like we’re in a relationship without kissing and sex.
(You shouldn’t be meeting up. You should be inviting her to come see you at your place and make dinner together. If she doesn’t agree to do that or tries to get you to meet her out, just say “No. It’s been a long week. I’m just in the mood to hang out at my place. If you want to come over, give me a call in two or three weeks, and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then. The only distance you should be willing to travel to see this girl is the distance it takes to go from wherever you are in your place to the front door to let her in. She needs to earn another chance with you. Not the other way around.)
She gets incredibly jealous of me dating other girls and will break contact with me because of it.
(How does she even know you’re dating other women. You shouldn’t be telling her or anybody else. You should be living your life. If she asks about it, just say, “Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.” Tell her, “I’m not interested in being your pal, your buddy or your friend.” Part of the problem is you agreed to be friends in the beginning. You’re kind of all over the ice. You tell her one thing, and then you completely cave a few days later. That’s weakness. It’s going to cause her to lose attraction for you and not want to spend time with you, because you’re not direct and decisive and strong enough to stand up for yourself and what you want.)
However, if I tell her I’ll stop seeing other girls if me and her can properly date without holding back, she just tells me it’s too much pressure.
(You’re trying to go from casually dating, to being in a relationship. You’re putting the cart before the horse. There is a process you go through. Women fall in love slowly over time. She fell in love with you over time when you first started dating, and then she fell out of of love with you over time as well. In order to get her to fall back in love, it’s going to take time. Your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up.
If she comes over and gives you the cheek, just say “Look, I don’t ever want to hear from you again unless you’re interested in sex and romance. I’m done with the friendship thing. I’m done with getting the cheek when I kiss you. I’m done with excuses of why no sex. I’m not interested in being your pal. Never call me again unless you want the same thing that I want. You’re wasting my time. I love you, I care about you, but this is stupid.”
You’ve got to learn to grow a set of balls and stand up for yourself, because you’re being a terrible negotiator for yourself. You’re negotiating as if you, your value and your time is valueless and meaningless, and therefore, she treats you that way.)
I’m not sure what to do, as she’s throwing very mixed signals,
(Well, part of your problem is you’re being inconsistent as a man, and women tend to match and mirror right back to us guys how we’re showing up. You need to show up consistently as a man, and only interact with her in ways that can lead to sex. You’ve got to let her earn another chance with you, not the other way around. It’s a completely different way of thinking about it),
and if I chase or try to compromise, she says it’s too much pressure.
(You’ve got to let her come to you dude. If it’s not her idea, you’re going to get nowhere.)
If I date other girls, she wants to know all the details, did I kiss them, sleep with them, are they better than her, etc., and will then get very upset if I kissed someone else or slept with them.
(Just say, “You know what, yeah I’m dating other people, and quite frankly, it’s none of your business.”)
However, she’s unwilling to compromise or say she wants to sort things out between us.
(Because you’re trying to get her to make a decision between being single and being in a relationship with you, and emotionally she’s not feeling it. Again, you should let women come to you. As they fall deeper and deeper in love, because feminine energy is about bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, when they feel it, that’s when they’ll bring up exclusivity. Again, you need to read the book, because I can tell from this email you haven’t read it. You’re half-assing it, and that’s why you’re getting half-ass results.)
What do I do, any help or butt kicking advice would be deeply appreciated.
(Read the book 10-15 times, and go read the article I did, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” and watch that video several times as well so you can be prepared, because you need to radically alter the way you’re interacting with this girl. You need to stop pursuing her, stop calling her, stop texting her, and 100% of it needs to be initiated by her. And if you haven’t heard from her, you need to do whatever you need to do to resist calling her, because it’s not her idea when you do that. You’ve been trying this failed approach for a year, and you have seen that when you back off, she wants to know what you’re doing and what you’re up to. So if that works as little as you’ve employed it, go all the way and follow what’s in the book and “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and you’ll get much better results.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women like men to lead in a relationship. That means making definite plans, dinner reservations, arranging a babysitter, etc., and generally taking a leadership role in making dates happen, instead of asking the woman what she wants to do. Courting a woman properly means extending romantic invitations she can take or leave without attachment, but not putting your life on hold until she makes up her mind what she wants. Dating is like driving a bus. Bus drivers only wait a short period of time for people to either get on or get off the bus. When a woman is hesitant to join your fun bus, tell her to get back to you when she figures out her schedule, and instead spend your time with people who jump at the chance to ride with you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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