How to avoid getting ghosted by someone you are dating, why it happens, and how to attract the women you want without fear of ghosting.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who met a woman he really liked on the Tinder dating app. They hooked up on the third date. After sex, she told him she had recently gotten out of a toxic relationship, but she was still hung up on her ex. She revealed some surprising things to him about her ex, and afterwards, he started making some common beta male mistakes. He says after that, he was never able to successfully get her to make and keep another date with him.
He says they have now mutually ghosted each other, but since he shares what he did and said and texted her, it’s obvious why he was the one who actually got ghosted. He asks me what he can do now or should have done differently. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I met a girl on Tinder, and we hooked up on the third date.
(As I say in the book, the average woman is going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date if you play your cards right and follow the progression in the book.)
After sex, she confessed that she’d recently gotten out of a toxic relationship and is still hung up on the guy.
(In this case, she’s obviously going to have a stronger bond with the other guy because of the time she has spent with him, and you’re pretty much brand new. The worst thing you can do is try to lock her down or say things to turn her off, saying bad things about the other guy. That shit doesn’t work. You see this in movies. The guy says, I’m going to use logic and reason to convince her why this other guy is a poor choice, and why she shouldn’t go back to him, but should instead stay with me.)
He repeatedly tried to get her to have a threesome with his best friend, and she is considering it.
(She obviously likes the guy. She’s hung up on him. And you’re brand new. In your mind, you’re driven by fear, thinking you need to tell her not to date this other guy and choose you instead, but that’s taking her freedom away.
A man who has other choices will say, “If you’re still seeing this guy, why don’t you go figure that out, and then once you get clarity and you’re sure you don’t want to date him anymore, then give me a call.” That communicates you’re unattached, and you can take it or leave it. Do you really want to date a woman who’s going to choose a toxic guy over you?)
I told her, “Any guy who wants you to bang his buddy doesn’t respect you. Don’t let someone treat you like that. You’re worth more than that.” I ignored that red flag and made another date.
(You see this crap in the movies so much, and usually the guy ends up with the girl.)
That morning, she sent a text saying she was “Tinder tired” and needed time off from dating to get her head straight.
(What she’s really communicating is, “I’m just tired of dating you, because you’re making me feel like I’m losing my freedom.” In other words, “You’re not letting me do what I feel I should do.” You’re trying to get her to do what you want.)
She said I should reach out in a couple months if I didn’t meet someone else.
(That’s kind of like, “Take care. I’ll never see you again. Have a nice life.” )
I replied, “I’d love to see you again, but I’m not waiting around for anybody. If you change your mind, feel free to give me a call.”
(This is the perfect answer, but did you have the balls to follow through on it? Whoever has the most to lose in a negotiation is always in the weaker position. You just communicated you had more to lose than her.)
A couple weeks passed, and in a moment of weakness I texted her.
(When you tell a woman, “Hey if it doesn’t work out, get in touch,” and then you text her, that communicates you’re just too weak to be congruent with what you say. Why? Because you had nothing else going on in your personal life, and you’re afraid you’re never going to meet anyone else.
Women don’t want a guy who has a problem getting really great women. They want a guy whose got standards and values himself, and if he’s not getting treated right, he’s okay with letting her go forever. Remember, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You communicated you were willing to walk away, but you didn’t mean it.)
She immediately replied and asked if we could I meet for drinks in an hour. When we met, she apologized for sending the crazy text but repeated that she needed time.
(You’re giving her the vibe you really like her and want to lock her down in a relationship, because you’re afraid the ex-boyfriend is going to take her away, and what you fear you attract. You’re driven by your fears and you’re doing things that push her back into the other guy’s arms.)
I told her in a mellow but confident tone, “There was a time when I didn’t like myself enough to walk away from relationships that weren’t right,
(Dude, you had three dates. You’re not in a relationship with this woman),
but now I respect myself and my life is abundant, so I’m moving on.”
(That sounds great, but your actions are not congruent with that. You told her to “get in touch if it doesn’t work out,” but two or three weeks went by, you couldn’t take it anymore, and you reached out.)
She had a shocked look on her face and said, “You are so inspiring to me right now.”
Suddenly, she starts hitting on me. We were holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes. She showed me her bra and told me I gave her “incredible” orgasms. When we left, we had a long kiss on the sidewalk, but she suddenly pulled away like she remembered her “Dating Timeout.”
(No, what she’s starting to realize is you said something, but as she’s thinking about it, you are acting weak. The fact you’re there is because of weakness.)
We texted back and forth for the next two weeks,
(The purpose of the phone is for setting dates dude. Again, you’re not being congruent with your words. You don’t mean what you say, so why would she feel attraction for you. It’s like your begging and groveling for another date, even though you think you’re playing it cool. When you say one thing and do another, a woman is not going to trust your masculine core),
and plans were tentatively made that never materialized. The last instance was right out of Coach Corey Wayne’s playbook.
(You’re cherry-picking things here and there, but you’re not really changing your approach to dating.)
She said she’d love to hear me play guitar. I replied “Well why don’t you pick up a bottle of wine and come over to my place? I’ll cook dinner, we’ll listen to some old school vinyl and I’ll play guitar for you.” She replied, “Gosh, that sounds lovely.” She couldn’t come that night, but would “love to” the next week.
Two weeks have passed, and we’ve mutually ghosted each other.
(She just walked away because she figured, in two or three weeks you’re probably going to reach out again, just like all the other male orbiters do. But what she’s really looking for is a guy who’s stronger, more masculine and has their shit together more than her ex, and obviously you’re displaying the exact opposite of that.
The reality is, it’s a toxic relationship and she’s still bouncing back and forth between you and the ex. If you’re looking for a girlfriend or to date somebody, what you want is somebody who’s ready, willing, able and open to dating. It’s a stronger and a better position to come from to say “Hey, if it doesn’t work out with the ex-boyfriend, get in touch with me. If I’m still single, maybe we’ll go out again.”)
She never called and I wasn’t going to chase her to do something nice for her. I needed to give her space to miss me or decide she didn’t. I’m fine with either one.
(Well, that’s what you’ve said in the past, but you went back on your word. That is why she’s spending time, and probably having a threesome, with him and his buddy.)
Thinking back, I broke a cardinal Coach Corey Wayne rule: I was initiating contact more than her.
(You communicated you were way more into her than she was into you. You communicated you had way more to lose by her not being in your life than she had to lose by not being in your life.)
I heard Coach Corey in my head saying “Dude, you fucked up.”
(At least you realized it.)
I’ve made dates with other girls and moved on. My question is, should I have tried one last time to finalize the plans before I walked away?
(You mean chasing more? Look where your chasing got you. At this point you’ve got to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. I highly encourage you to review my article and video “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” and actually stick to it this time. You’ve got to let a woman in this situation come to you at her own pace while you continue to date other women and keep your options open.
Also look at it from the perspective of, she’s got to earn you as well. What you’ve communicated is, she’s already got you and you’re ready to run off to the altar of marital bliss with this girl, when you don’t really know anything about her. The fact that she’s holding on to a toxic person and toxic relationship doesn’t sound like somebody that’s really ready to have the kind of relationship you’re looking to have. You’ve got to find somebody who’s got the same goals and values.
I would also highly encourage you to read the book.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“True, mature love is freedom and allowing. Alphas know they are a catch and act accordingly, giving the object of their romantic interest the freedom to choose them or someone else without attachment. When you really care for someone, you want them to be happy, even if it means being happy with someone else other than you. Betas are fearful and seek to control and force things, because deep down they do not feel worthy. They send conflicting messages and signals that vacillate back and forth between being attached, weak and needy, while trying to maintain the façade of being unattached. This causes women to not trust their masculine core, pull away and test. Beta males usually fail these tests, as their fear drives them to try and force things, thereby chasing women right out of their lives and getting friend-zoned or ghosted.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne