Why people tend to project what they are thinking and feeling onto other people, in order to make themselves feel better, and to also absolve themselves from any blame or personal responsibility.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is a follow-up success story of what happened next to the viewer whose email I discussed in my video newsletter, “Friend-Zoned.” His email I discussed previously had been sent in almost four months ago, and much has happened since then. He’s continued to build on his success with the same woman.
The second email is from a guy who has been getting friend-zoned off and on with his girlfriend of the past several years. He started following my work last year and was able to successfully re-attract her, but he was only able to maintain that success and her attraction for a few months before she broke up with him and stuck him back in friends-zone once again. He asks my opinion on what he should do now. I point out some of the major red flags she has shown him and he is overlooking that are the root of their problems. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email Update:
I just saw that you used my email for the newest newsletter, “Friend-Zoned,” which by the way was on my birthday. I just wanted to give you a quick update.
After my trip in January, I sealed the deal with her in bed, and we had a good time. (You you were better prepared to succeed. You succeeded because you studied the book, you practiced, you got another opportunity and you let her continue to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing.) I still tend to make some mistakes being too available and telling her that I miss her without her saying it first. (It’s okay every once and awhile, but notice if the other person is just parroting the things you say back to you, or saying them on their own.) But overall, I am pretty sure I do more things right than wrong. (Obviously, because you were finally able to seduce her after two years. If you apply the things I teach, you will see they’ll work for you.) She will pick me up from the airport when I finally return to Germany in May. I still have many problems within myself and overthink a lot of stuff, but I try my best to improve. (That’s all you can really do. Your goal should be to try and get a little better every day.) If you have any advice I would appreciate it!Again, thank you so much for your help, and have a great spring! (Keep practicing the fundamentals, keep reading the book, and keep letting her come to you. It sounds like you’re getting closer and closer to what you want.)
Second Viewer’s Email:
Hey Coach Corey,
My name’s Bob. I’m a Marine Corps reservist and college student. I started dating this wonderful girl about a year and a half ago, and things went great at first. (They all seem to go great at first. Then, the knowledge gap comes into play.) She wants to become a Marine officer, and so do I. Our interests lined up pretty well, and we had a strong understanding for each other, for the most part. Unfortunately, we do have a few differences; she has much higher grades than I do and is planning on leaving the area this summer to, most likely, go to an east coast school or the Naval Academy. (All you can do in these situations, where somebody may move away, is be their best option. If you follow the things I teach in my book, you’ll be able to keep a girl head over heels in love with you, and she’ll want to be with you instead. However, if she doesn’t feel safe and comfortable, she’ll gravitate towards following her goals and dreams, and it won’t involve you.) She also had a huge jealousy problem, (That’s obviously a huge red flag. Jealousy happens when the other person doesn’t feel secure and confident enough they deserve to have you. They tend to act needy, controlling and try to force things, because they fear the other person will leave them, cheat on them or find somebody better), and didn’t like it when I spoke to other girls, since her last boyfriend cheated on her. I thought she was being ridiculous and would blow her off most of the time. I told her nothing was going on, which was true. I think this is why she ended things last winter. (If you’re dealing with somebody who is insecure, and they think it’s just a matter of time before you cheat, you should put your foot down. They’ll either cut it out or leave the relationship.) She broke up with me, and despite being hurt and pretty much hopeless, I kept begging her to take me back. (That’s the exact opposite of what you should be doing. That is, in essence, asking her to mistreat and abuse you more. However, her jealousy and insecurity is her problem, not yours.) As you might have expected, it yielded no positive results. (When you grovel after she has abused you, it will only cause her to respect you less.) It was then that I decided to do a little research, and I came across a few of your videos. I decided to instill the “No Contact” method, and within a week, she couldn’t stop texting me, asking whom I was hanging out with and showing that she really missed me. (The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.) My dad gave me the advice to keep acting like I was fine without her for a little while longer, but at the end of the week, I drove to her house, made out with her, had sex, and we got back together that night. (You were looking for a quick fix and didn’t follow the instructions to read the book 10-15 times. You aren’t putting in the time to fill your knowledge gap.)
That was last winter, and for a while, things went well, but around Thanksgiving time this year, she changed her mind again. (You’re not putting in the time and attention to detail.) She broke up with me for the second time and said, “I still love you, but I’m not in love with you. I still want to be friends.” (Part of the problem was, you were acting like a big floppy cock at that point. More than likely, you went back to your old beta male ways, which obviously turned her off.) She felt that we were going on different roads, and that she’d be leaving in a couple of months anyway. Not feeling like I had much of a choice, I agreed to be a friend, which I now know may have been a huge mistake. (This is what happens when you don’t read the book.) For the first two weeks of the breakup, we kept talking, hooking up and sleeping over. She would sometimes cry and say that she loved me, but all of the sudden, she decided she needed a “break.” We started doing “No Contact,” and I didn’t hear from her for another two weeks.
Two nights ago, she texted me, “I hate you.” I played it cool and asked why. She basically said that she was angry with me for making her feel self-conscious and “not good enough” when we first started dating. (She’s projecting more of her own insecurities onto you to get you to say sorry.) She was very jealous. I took the blame and apologized. (You are enabling her. As I teach in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” when you’ve been dumped like this, she needs to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. Your failure is predictable, because you didn’t prepare and follow instructions. You didn’t fill in your knowledge gap, and you’re still making mistakes.) Seeing that I wasn’t going to argue with her, she calmed down a bit. I texted her and let her know that I was at the Safeway close to her house getting some groceries, and that we could meet up and talk for a bit if she wanted to. (Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up. However, you were being her emotional tampon instead. You should have had her come meet you for dinner at your place.) She responded that she had had a stressful day and was going to sleep. (She projected her garbage onto you to make herself feel better.) I said, “Oh okay, yeah I get you. Let me know if you change your mind tomorrow or whenever, okay? I’m here.” She said “Okay,” then I said, “Goodnight, and sleep well with kitten by your side,” the cat I bought her. (Pay attention to how much the other person is investing in your conversation. That will tell you how much they really care at that moment.) She responded with, “Yeah, LOL. Good night.” It’s been two days since she texted, and I haven’t heard from her. Did I do the right thing, or should I have just not responded to her angry message? I feel like she was trying to reach out? Anyway, I love her very much, and I’m willing to try to get her back before giving up. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. (That’s the problem. You’re all focused on getting her back and getting another chance. Whereas, she needs to be earning another chance with you. Just like I teach in my article, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” this person needs to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on. The next time you hear from her, assume she wants to see you, and make a date at your place. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. And the next time she brings up this jealousy bullshit or tries to blame you for her own insecurities, you need to stand up to her and act like a true equal.)Thanks Corey!
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“People tend to project what they are thinking and feeling on the inside onto other people, in order to disassociate from it and absolve themselves of any blame or responsibility. This is why we should never take anything anyone else says or does to us personally, because they are simply projecting what’s inside of them. When people call you names or say mean things, they are reflecting what they think and feel about themselves. When people do nasty things to you, they are treating you how they feel about themselves in that moment. Don’t take assholes seriously, and don’t take their insults personally. Why? It’s not about you, it’s about them.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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