Why weak and soft men seek women’s approval and strong men don’t.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who got friend zoned after displaying too much approval seeking behavior from a woman he was dating. He put her on a pedestal, and even though he walked away after she friend zoned him, he is desperate to prove to her that he is a good little boy who deserves her attention and validation.
He will be seeing her in a work related situation in a few weeks and wants to know if he has a chance to reignite her interest. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He’s hoping he can get her to pay attention to him and give him another chance to ignite her interest. His whole mindset is completely wrong. Because the number one, most important thing, when you ask women what they’re most attracted to in men, is confidence. And so, when a guy is constantly displaying a lack of confidence, and on top of that, seeking her attention and approval like he would from his mommy, that’s not a guy that she can trust his masculine core or can follow his leadership, because he’s looking to be told what to do. So, this is how you don’t want to behave if you’re trying to attract women.
You also have to pay attention to, is the other person reciprocating? Are they making the effort? If somebody doesn’t believe they’re worthy, they’ll stay involved with somebody who’s not making the effort, because it validates their view about themselves, that they don’t deserve to have what they want. So, they stay involved with people who don’t give them what they want, and they don’t feel it, and they ignore it, hoping they’re going to be able to change their mind in the long run. It’s the hallmark of the typical nice guy – the guy that doesn’t really value himself. He’s seeking her attention and approval, instead of just saying, hey, she’s not interested, “Call me if you change your mind,” and he moves on to the next prospect.
I’m in an interesting position in life and need a little guidance. I’m 31, tall, in good shape, and keep fit. I’ve recently sold my house to move back to my hometown, and I’ve made a lot of money in the process. For the first time in my life, I’ll have significant funds and I’m very excited about the potential.
He’s thinking, “What can I buy with this money?” I have coached so many guys over the years that have a lot of money, but not much common sense, and they try to use their money as a bribe for sex in a relationship. And you’ll see later on in the email, the fact that he’s gloating about how much money he’s made. You’ll see what he’s thinking what a good use of that money is going to be, and it’ll probably turn your stomach.
I’m looking at buying a new place, and get a new and better job, but also, I’d like to re-attract a woman, 26 years old, who I spent time with over the new year period. She has a lot of charisma, is smart, sexy, and fun to be around! Unfortunately, she seems to be on the run from a traumatic past relationship and is carrying that over to any new men she meets, declaring to me (unprompted and irrationally) that she wanted to be single forever.
Well, remember what Maya Angelou said, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time,” so that’s basically a red flag. And so, you can tell his mindset is Captain Save-a-Hoe, “I can fix her, I can save her. I’ll prove to her that I’m different from all the other guys, so she won’t want to stay single forever.” Guys who have choices with women will hear that and go, “Hmm, maybe she’s a fruit loop, maybe she’s messed up.”
While we had a great time together and clicked on many levels, she was averse to anything that would indicate romantic signaling – me paying for our meals, for example.
Maybe she’s got a little bit of that feminism mind virus run around in her head. “I’ll pay for my own dinner, thank you, and my own drinks. I don’t need you to get the door for me, I’m an independent woman. I can do it myself.”
She always maintained clearance from me in that way, while also being very energetic about meeting up and doing stuff.
So, it sounds like he was an emotional tampon. She was always treating him like it was something platonic, while he saw it as something more.
As it went on, I made suggestive moves to get a read on her romantic interest, as I didn’t want to scare her off, but each time she sensed that happening, she attempted to put me in the friend zone and started trying to frame our relationship that way.
That’s why, as soon as it happens, as soon as she uses the “F” word , you’re going to be like, “I’m not interested in anything platonic. If that’s what you’re looking for, then we should go our separate ways. And hey, if you ever change your mind, get in touch, but I’m not here because I want to be your pal.” But if he just keeps putting up with that, keeps allowing her to get away with using the “F” word and keeps hanging out with her, he’s communicating through his actions that he accepts that label.
A beta male would accept that label and go along with it, thinking, “I’ll change her mind.” An alpha male will be like, “No, thanks. I’ve got three messages here from other girls. I’m not going to spend time with a girl that wants to give me blue balls and use me as her emotional tampon.” There are better uses of your time as a man.
Later, I wrote her a message telling her I liked spending time with her, that I didn’t want to know about her toxic, abusive ex anymore, and I wanted to have fun and hang out, enjoying the present with her. She rebuffed again, suggesting friends or nothing, and I denied her that, respectfully, and following your advice have gone total non-contact for three months. I even deleted her number to avoid making a fool of myself any further.
So, he admits he was making a fool of himself. But it really doesn’t even sound like this girl was even interested in him. She liked the attention and validation, and that was about it. She made sure to pay her fair share in the dates, so she would communicate, “This is not a date. Don’t you think any hanky panky is going to happen. No punani for you. You will not get the chocha!”
In that time, I’ve been making significant life changes of which I will benefit massively.
I’ll be seeing her again in the next few weeks in a work situation, and I have a lot of confidence going forward given my new prospects. There were many walls in the way before: distance, financial, her personal issues.
Where are the green flags? Where are the things that lead you to believe that she’s a great catch? It sounds like you’ve got a little bit of the Mr. White Knight syndrome, the Captain Save-a-Hoe syndrome.
I have now removed two of those constraints, so things may be different. I live closer…
“Hopefully, she’ll like me, because I live closer now.”
…and money is now basically no object from a security standpoint. I could pay for both of our lives if I wanted to. I know she’s broke and possibly struggling.
Dude, come on, man. That is the wrong way to go. “Oh, I’m going to solve all her problems and make her love me by emptying my bank account to pay off all her problems.” It’s a bad way to go. Dude, you need to read “How To Be A 3% Man” ASAP. You’re probably one of those dudes that’s cherry picking from my videos, and that’s just not going to work. Your mindset is the opposite of what it needs to be. And you can read it for free. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter, and you can read it right in your web browser.
Will I be able to reignite her interest?
How about, what is she going to do to reignite your interest? Because the only thing that she has shown you and communicated multiple times is she’s only interested in something platonic. And so, you’re seeing romantic interest that, quite frankly, I don’t see any signs of at all. Even when you did hang out originally, the interest seemed to be one way. I did a video that actually just came out last week, “How To Handle No Contact With a Coworker.” You should definitely watch that.
Should I even care?
No, you shouldn’t care, because she hasn’t done anything to earn your attention and validation.
How should I play it when I see her?
Smile, wave to her, go about your business. Talk to other girls that are there. If she wants to come over and talk to you, great. You’re not going to go out of your way to go talk to her.
To be clear, this girl is everything I’m looking for in a woman, and I want her to see the best in me.
Come on, dude. You don’t know anything about this girl. You don’t know her well enough to decide she’s everything you’re looking for. The thing you’re ignoring is she’s making zero effort to communicate that she’s interested. So, it’s been, what, a couple of months now? Two or three months, I think he said.
And yes, I’ve read the book, but only about 5 times.
Dude, you’re doing the opposite. I know you say you’ve read it five times, but this is why I say read it 10 to 15 times. Your mind says the opposite of what the book teaches.
I have watched many hours of your videos though and find them very enlightening!
All the best from down under,
Well, like I said, if you see her, smile, wave, go about your business, talk to other women there. Don’t pay any attention to her, because she hasn’t earned it. And plus, she’s throwing up all kinds of red flags that she may be a mess.
And number two, I haven’t seen anything that indicates that she’s even interested in you romantically. That’s why, if you’re a high value guy who loves and values himself, you’re only going to interact with women who are excited and enthusiastic, who when you ask them out, they’re like, “Hell, yeah, I’d love to! That’d be great. That would be wonderful. I’d love to get together with you.” Not “I’m paying half the bill. Don’t you dare hold the door open for me. I’m an independent woman. I can do it myself. I don’t need a man.”
There’s just nothing there, dude. And if you’re talking and she comes over and to talk to you, it’s like, “Hey, how have you been? You miss me? You been thinking about me?” That’s the attitude you want to have. Be playful. And then, I wouldn’t call her or text her for any reason. Even if you hang out with her and chat with her for a while, just say, “Well, you’ve got my number. Get in touch,” because you deleted her number anyway.
And besides, you want her to reach out to you and show that there’s some interest. In other words, show you that she deserves your time and attention, instead of you just automatically going, “Oh yeah, she’s the woman for me.” I mean, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even want to spend time with you, and you’re like, “Oh, that’s definitely the woman I want to have kids with.” It’s like, come on, man. You just you don’t know that, there’s no way.
And so, I know you claim you read the book five times, but 10 or 15 times, maybe you should read it 20 or 30 times, because you’re literally doing the opposite of what I teach, and it’s not going to work.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“A weak man seeks to prove himself to a woman he hopes to be romantically involved with. Why? He doubts himself and what he brings to the table. Deep down he doesn’t feel worthy, hence his focus on seeking her attention and approval, just like he did from mommy. Women are most attracted to confidence in men. Approval seeking men display the opposite of confidence. Strong men are sure of themselves and their ability. They are selective on who they allow into their inner circle. Strong men give women what they have earned as equals and teammates due to their actions, not their words. Beta males believe what women say while they ignore when their words and actions do not match.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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