We’re Broken Up But She Still Calls Like We’re Together. What Can I Do?

What you can do if you’re broken up but she still calls like you’re together.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his girlfriend and baby momma. She said she needed space. He says their communication was bad and things never really got resolved. They have a three-year-old daughter together. She doesn’t want a relationship but still calls him like they are together and asks for his advice and opinion.

He wants her back and asks what he can do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who says he’s been following my work for a while over the past few years. So he had a breakup because, I guess he said, they had a real hard time communicating. She would shut down and they wouldn’t really resolve their differences, which led to fights and arguments. Recently, over the last few months, she said she wanted some space. She broke up with him, dumped him. They have a three-year-old daughter together. She says she doesn’t want a relationship, but yet she still calls all the time. She asks for advice and she uses him as a sounding board. So he still kind of has the the friendship, the intimacy, the companionship over the phone, but it’s clear he’s kind of become her emotional tampon, basically. He wants more, but he’s kind of stuck in limbo and he can’t really go no-contact because he has a three-year-old daughter with her, but more often than not, when she does reach out and call him, it’s not about the daughter, it’s about other things. So let’s go through his email.

So it’s kind of like one of those situations. You can’t really go no-contact. So what I’ve always instructed guys to do in these situations is to make sure you have all of your arrangements made ahead of time when it comes to exchanging your kids, things of that nature, so you have zero reason to ever reach out to or everything’s planned ahead. Same thing with her. If you got your routines and you got times and days you’re supposed to exchange your kids, then it’s strictly that. That way it makes it easy to spot if she’s reaching out for things other than to do with the kid. Then obviously you take that as an opportunity to invite her over to hang out, have fun, and hook up.

As the book says, your job as a man in the courtship is simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen. You got to understand, when a woman wants space, it’s usually in response to being smothered and over-pursuing. Then you got to give her the space. Sometimes it’s only two or three days go by and she’ll reach out and be like, “Hey, how are you? What are you doing?” So when that happens, you assume, “OK well, she had enough space.” A lot of guys make the mistake of waiting on her to call and say, “OK, I’ve had enough space. Let’s get back together. Let’s go on a date,” or whatever. They don’t do that. They break the no-contact basically once they’ve had space. Especially if like in this case, she calls and she wants to talk about things going on, then you just say, “Hey, why don’t we get together and make dinner at my place and you tell me all about it?” So you kind of modify the 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back a little bit.

So let’s go through his email with those little tidbits in mind.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been listening to your work consistently over the past few years, especially your audio-book, often during workouts. It’s been a solid reference point for me, and I’ve applied a lot of your principles with some success in different areas of my life. That said, I’m finding myself in a much more complex situation now, and I’d really value your perspective, especially if it’s something you think could help others in a similar position.

My ex and I were together for about five years. Early on, things moved quickly, she got pregnant within the first couple of months, and now we share a three-year-old daughter. I stepped up fully into the father role and took that responsibility seriously from day one. However, the relationship had its share of challenges, including postpartum struggles, some health-related stress on her side, and the fact that we didn’t have a long foundation before becoming parents together.

Well, that happens. You slip one past the goalie and congratulations, you’re a dad.

Over time, communication issues became more frequent, and arguments started to build up.

Well, men who understand women don’t argue with them. So even though you may have been following me for a few years, he hasn’t really been applying this stuff properly.

I’ll own my part in it: I wasn’t always as emotionally grounded as I should have been. There were moments where I got reactive and didn’t lead the relationship the way I should have. Combined with her tendency to shut down or avoid deeper communication, it created a dynamic where things never really got resolved properly. Eventually, she reached a point where she felt emotionally disconnected and decided to end the relationship. She told me she no longer felt the same and needed space.

Since the breakup, things have been confusing. On one hand, she maintains distance and says she doesn’t want the relationship.

Well, your job is to focus on creating an opportunity for sex to happen and not getting into a relationship. I suspect part of your problem is you never really took me seriously when I said you got to read the book 10 to 15 times, because you’re missing a lot of subtle nuances in the book and now you’re in a jam and you got to fill in your knowledge gap because you’ve got to correct your unattractive behavior. If you don’t, you’re basically going to have the same problems that you were having before.

On the other, she still reaches out regularly, sharing parts of her life, asking for my opinion on decisions like her new apartment or even car shopping, and keeping me involved beyond just co-parenting. I’ve been working hard on myself, emotionally, mentally, and as a father, focusing on becoming more grounded, consistent, and centered. My goal isn’t just to get her back, but to rebuild something healthier and stronger if the opportunity presents itself.

Given the presence of our daughter and the ongoing contact, I’m trying to navigate this in a way that respects her space while still leaving the door open for attraction to rebuild naturally. I’d really appreciate your take on how to handle this dynamic, especially when there are mixed signals and a child involved. How do you apply your principles effectively in a situation where no-contact isn’t fully possible, and emotional history is still very much alive?

Thanks again for everything you put out there. It’s made a difference.

Best Regards,

Bob

Well, the important thing is that she’s reaching out and wanting to talk about things other than your daughter. So instead of doing that on the phone and being the emotional tampon or the gay male girlfriend, you got to say, “Well hey, it seems like you got a lot on your mind. Why don’t we get together and talk about this over dinner at my place? You can bring a bottle of wine,” or whatever. Obviously, you should bring the daughter over. Maybe you guys put her to sleep, and then after she’s asleep, you guys can hook up. You just make dinner together, hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s what you’re supposed to be doing. In this case, she’s breaking no-contact, and it doesn’t seem like he’s inviting her over, because really, the same issue remains, which is that he’s deferring to her for the leadership and basically waiting to be told what to do. Like he’s waiting on his mommy to give him directions and instructions. Whereas at the end of the day, she says she wants space, then she calls and wants to talk about something random. Assume that means she had enough space. So create an opportunity for sex to happen.

You’re not going to go from being broken up to being back in a relationship. That’s why you just invite her over. Create an opportunity for sex to happen, because your big part of your problem is your communication. When a when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs are going to open. When she doesn’t, the legs are going to close. So you can invite her over and hang out and have fun while you’re hanging out and just let her talk. Let her do 85%, 90% of the talking. You don’t need to talk about your past or your relationship or the problems you had. Look at it as like a brand new first date with your ex. Hang out, have fun, and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced. Then you make your move. It’s pretty simple situation to resolve. Again, if you’ve been abdicating your leadership role and you’re waiting on her to give you instructions or tell you what to do, that’s why you’re spinning your wheels.

You need to take it seriously when I say read the book 10 to 15 times, otherwise you’re going to struggle. Especially when you’ve been following me for several years and you’re arguing with your girlfriend, even though that’s one of the cardinal things in my book, is that men that understand women, they don’t argue with them, because if you argue, even if you win, you lose. So you got to learn to fill in the knowledge gap that you clearly have, and you got to take the leadership role. That includes when she reaches out, make the opportunity for sex to happen.

As 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, she’s got to come to your place three dates in a row. If she comes over and you hang out, have fun, and hook up all three dates, like I said, if she’s continually doing this, this is actually a really easy situation to fix. Just invite her over to make dinner. If she reaches out two consecutive times in a row and you invite her over for dinner and she won’t come over and she gives you excuses, then just say, “Alright well, I guess it’s not that important. I’ve got other things I got to take care of, so I’m going to run. Talk to you later.” Then after that, every time she reaches out and say she wants to drone on, just say, “Honey, we’re not together anymore. I’ve tried to get together with you. I want to move on with my life. You said you don’t want a relationship, but yet you want to call me and act like I’m still your boyfriend. I can’t move on if you’re continually calling me and acting this way. So you need to knock it off. Call whoever you’re dating or whoever you’re sleeping with these days, and go hang out with them and let them answer these questions for you. The only time I need to hear from you is if it’s something that’s really super important about our daughter. Other than that, let me be so I can move on with my life.”

So that’s the diatribe you give her. If she continues reaching out, then you try to set dates where she comes over to make dinner at your place two times in a row. If she refuses to do that and says, “Well, I don’t want a relationship,” then it’s like, “Great, well then this conversation is something that you should save for whoever you’re dating and sleeping with. This is not appropriate at this point. I want to move on with my life, so you need to let me do that. I want to work things out and keep our family together, but if you’re not willing to do that and you want to date and sleep with other guys, you can’t expect me to be your emotional tampon. I’m not going to assume the role of being part of your Frankenstein Boyfriend project. It’s like whoever you’re dating, go give your 100% of your attention to them. Call them. Let them give you advice on things that you need advice about. If you’re calling me and you want me to act like your boyfriend, then you got to make more of an effort. I got to get more out of this than being your emotional tampon, because I’m trying to move on and you’re not letting me move on. That needs to stop.” Again, that’s only if you’ve tried to invite her over two times in a row and she reaches out.

Again, if all of your arrangements are made ahead of time, then there’s no reason to talk to each other or to call her. So it makes it easy to spot that she’s really reaching out because she wants to bond and connect. Again, that’s why I just invite her over to make dinner. If she’s connecting with you on that level, I be surprised that she would not want to come over and make dinner. So that’s what you need to do next time she reaches out and wants to drone on about something. Just invite her over, “Wow, it seems like you got a lot going on. Why don’t we get together and talk about it and make some dinner at my place and bring the munchkin over and we’ll hang out?” Then again, because she’s three, she’s going to go to bed hopefully early at some point. Then the two of you can hang out and have a glass of wine, and when the signs are there that are listed in the book that she’s ready to be touched, kissed and seduced, then you seduce her. It’s pretty simple.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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