We’re Broken Up & Still Talking, But She Has A Rebound Guy. What Now?

What you should do if you’re broken up and still talking but she has a rebound guy.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose wife has left him for the 2nd time due to a lack of romantic chemistry according to her. He is trying to reconcile and they have been having dates, but now she is backing off and saying no to romance because things are progressing with the rebound guy.

He is new to my work and stuck in limbo with his marriage while his wife is trying to see if she can monkey branch to a new guy while keeping him as her backup plan. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who is estranged from his wife. They’ve been married six years and they separated and then reconciled in year three. She moved out at that time and then eventually moved back in. Three years later, here we are again. She’s complaining about a lack of romantic chemistry.

I think he’s just went through the my book for the first time, 3% Man, which you can read for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just put your name and your email address and the sign up box, and you can instantly start reading it in your browser right now.

So he’s basically stuck in limbo because now they’re split up again. I guess she’s got her own apartment and she started hooking up with some rebound guy, and yet they started kind of doing some dates and kind of rekindling things. Now just recently, she cut the romance off because she says, “Well, things are progressing with the other guy.” She’s basically asking her husband to do, the man that she committed till death do us part, to be loyal and faithful to her. She’s like, “Oh, put your personal life on hold while I go fuck some other guy. I’ll let you know if I decide I want to come back or not.”

He wants his wife back, obviously, because now he’s starting to realize, after going through my book that he did a lot of unattractive behavior that basically turned her off. Now he’s kind of stuck in limbo land because he wants to work things out. Now his wife has basically said she’s not willing to do that because she wants to explore dating this other guy while still holding on to him and the marriage. So he’s like, “What do I do?” So this is another video email situation for those of you guys that are following “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” the article and video I did many years ago when you want to get your ex back.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

My situation may be unique.

Not really dude, I’ve heard it all. I’ve been doing this for multiple decades, and I’ve done tens of thousands of these phone sessions over the years. It’s like I’ve heard it all.

My estranged wife and I have been married six years. We separated and then reconciled at year three. At that time she moved out and then moved back in.

Three years later, here we are again. Her complaint is lack of romantic chemistry with me.

What that means is she’s lost attraction for you.

She told me that we were going to separate on Christmas Eve.

Well, that was nice of her. She waited till Christmas Eve. “Hey, Merry Christmas honey. We’re going to separate, by the way.” “Oh, thanks. Yeah, Merry Christmas to you. I love you, too. Thanks for the six years together.”

She found her own apartment and started a lease starting January 15th. However, she did not move out. In fact, she did not move out for almost a month after she found her new place and was paying rent there.

Probably because she was open to staying at that time to see if her feelings changed.

She has entered into a rebound relationship. When I found out, that’s when she finally moved out.

So in other words, she already had another guy lined up and was basically lying to your face. Is this really something you want to give another chance? Somebody that starts dating and fucking another man while she goes, “Oh, let’s let’s see how things go.” So she’s lying through omission. That does not look good. Not for her anyways.

I do not initiate text or phone calls with her, yet she texts or calls me literally every day. Usually multiple times a day. Additionally, she creates reasons to come see me in person. Also, she comes to our apartment once/twice a week to make my meals for me for $175 (She is a former chef). She gets her daily Amazon deliveries delivered to our place instead of her place. Lastly, we have six pet cats and she is considering keeping her favorite cat here with me.

Six? So she’s got a cat lady starter kit. That should be a clue that she’s destined to be a cat woman. A cat lady. Already six cats? Jesus Christ. Cats are cool and everything, but six of them? That’s a lot.

I find this confusing. She moved out and is in a rebound relationship and yet keeps me close.

Because you’re her backup plan in case she doesn’t find anybody better. That’s what’s going on here. She’s fucking somebody else while you’re getting blue balls, sitting at home waiting for your wife to return, instead of acting like a man of value who says, “You know what? My wife left me. She’s fucking another guy. So I’m a free agent now.”

If you are of the mindset that, I wouldn’t, but if you want to give this woman another chance, then what you should be doing is say, “Look, you’re in a relationship with another guy. I don’t want to sit here and have my personal life on hold. So if you want to come by, you’re going to have to call and get permission first. I’m going to start dating because you’re obviously a free agent. I’m a free agent, and I’m not going to wait for you to get your head together to figure yourself out or to see where things go or how they develop this rebound relationship. As far as I’m concerned, our marriage is over. You’re not trying to fix our marriage. You’re not trying to solve it. You’re basically expecting me to be your backup plan. If you can’t find somebody else, that doesn’t work for me. It’s absurd and quite frankly, insulting for you to ask your husband of six years to put up with this crap. I’m just not.”

Men who love and value themselves are just going to go find somebody else. They’re not going to put up with this, dude.

Last week (Friday the 16th) we went on an actual date. She volunteered that she was 60% in the marriage still and set up dates in the future. She told me, “Not to worry” about the rebound dude.

“Oh, don’t worry about him. It’s no big deal,” until it is.

She called me three times the next day and said that she had a great time. Indeed, she asked me out on a second date on Sunday. Amazing. Things looked good. This Thursday, (the 22nd) she even sent me a text of her love language stuff (holding hands, caresses). Even better. Felt like real progress.

Well, a woman’s feelings change, like the weather. Don’t get attached to yesterday’s or last week’s weather report because it doesn’t apply today.

We had a date set up for tonight and she cancelled today. She explained that she has, “Started to develop feelings” for the rebound guy. I asked if she was still 60/40 and she said yes. However, we can’t be romantic. It was an uncomfortable call. I tried to woo her, but didn’t beg. Since then, she has already texted me.

What is going on and what do I do?

Bob

Well, like I said earlier, you’re her backup plan in case it doesn’t work out with this other guy. So I wouldn’t call or text her for any reason. Next time you do talk to her, you just say, “Look, we’re broken up. We’re not husband and wife anymore. You chose to be in a relationship with another man. If that’s what you want, you need to focus on your new man. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Stop coming by because you’re going to ruin my life. I’m going to start dating and fucking other women because you’re dating and fucking another guy. That’s the way it’s going to be. Unless you get rid of this other guy and want to devote fully to trying to win me back and be exclusive with me, I’m going to consider our marriage over, and I’m going to move on and start dating other women.”

“Several months down the road, if you decide after this phone call, you’re going to keep dating this other guy, then don’t be surprised if a few months down the road, things don’t work out with him and you want to come back, and I got somebody new that I’m not going to take you back. That’s what you’re risking here.”

It’s clear because it takes two to tango. It takes two people who want to be together and want to make the effort to work things out. Right now, what she’s telling you is she doesn’t want to work anything out. She wants you to have blue balls and put your personal life on hold while she goes and sees if this new guy she’s dating is going to turn into something. If it doesn’t, she’s going to expect to just walk back into your life. You’re going to drop what you’re doing and take her back. That can’t be the way it is.

You’re going to say, “Look, we’re broken up. We’re both single. I’m going to date who I want, you date who you want. I don’t want your cat here. I don’t want your stuff here. You got your own place. You need to keep it there.” I’m sure the cat’s nice and everything, but it’s hers at the end of the day, because when she leaves her crap at your place, it just gives her a reason to come over and interfere in your life and kind of keep tabs on you. I wouldn’t do that. This way she realizes that you’re moving on, and when you don’t call and you don’t text, you’re not trying to get in touch with her, you’re not trying to get together with her. Then she’s going to start to worry and be fearful that she’s going to lose you to another woman. Ideally, you should be dating women that are 10 or 15 years younger than you anyway. So that’s what I would do if I were you.

I’d have a heart-to-heart with her. I’d say, “Look, this doesn’t work for me. You basically told me that you want to be exclusive with this new guy, and there’s nothing romantic between us. I’m not going to be your buddy, your pal or your friend. I don’t want you to call me three times a day and come over to hang out or ask me for advice. These are things that you need to discuss with your new boyfriend, not me, because I’m single. You’re in a relationship with somebody else and I want to move on with my life. You need to come get your cat or whatever stuff you got, and that’ll be the end of it. For the time being, I’m not going to file for divorce. I’ll just kind of leave that up in the air. When I find somebody else and I come to a place where I know that we’re just not going to reconcile, if you haven’t filed by then, I will divorce you. I will file and serve you with divorce papers. For right now, the time being, I’m open.”

If it was me, I wouldn’t be down with this. If you’re a glutton for punishment and you want to give her another chance, you could tell her that, “I’m open to giving you another chance to win me back, but you’ve really fucked up. You fucked up twice. You did this three years ago, and now you’re really fucking up because you’re coming to me with this absurd situation and expecting me to put my life on hold while you go fuck some other dude when we’re still married. That doesn’t look good for you, and it certainly doesn’t look good for any potential reconciliation, but I’m open to it. If it doesn’t work out with him, you’re welcome to call. If I’m available, maybe we can go out. You can come over and we can go on a date.”

Like 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, she has to come over and make dinner at your place, hang out, have fun, hook up. Other than that, I wouldn’t have her come over, do meal prep or any of that shit. You need to create the distance so she doesn’t know what you’re doing, what you’re up to or who you’re doing it with. If you allow her to come over to your house every week and make food and just show up whenever to fuck around with cats or her belongings, that’s something that she may have left at your house. Then you’re letting her set the agenda. If you’re like, “Hey, you’re in a relationship with somebody else, it’s not appropriate for you to be coming over here, because I am, at this point, your ex-husband and hanging out with me one-on-one, no man is going to be in a relationship with a woman that’s hanging out one-on-one with her ex-husband in his apartment.”

“You got a problem? Call your boyfriend. I don’t want to hear about it. The only way I want to hear from you going forward is if you’re like, ‘I fucked up. I made a mistake. I’m sorry. I want to try again.’ We can have a date at my place and make dinner together. Other than that, it’s. It’s over between us, and I’m moving on. I’m open to giving you another chance, but based on your behavior, it’s not looking good. You better pull your head out of your ass and figure out what it is that you want, because you’re about to lose me to another woman. Probably a younger and hotter woman, but another woman nonetheless. Once I’m gone, I am gone, and I won’t feel any remorse for serving your ass with divorce papers after the way you have treated me and the way you have just shown that marriage, loyalty, family and commitment doesn’t mean jack shit to you.”

“You’re pretty selfish for what you’ve done. I’m open to giving you another chance, but my patience is wearing thin. The time period for this? This window is closing, so you better figure your shit out and get your shit together, because you’re about to lose me forever.” That is the kind of conversation, the mindset, I would say I wouldn’t call her to tell her this. Next time she gets in touch with you, you can have this conversation very matter of factly over the phone or in person. Doesn’t matter if she’s got crap in your house, tell her she needs to come pick the rest of it up and come pick it up when you’re not there. She wants to leave a cat? I say, “No, absolutely not. I’m not taking care of your cat. You got six cats. They’re going to live with you and your new boyfriend. I don’t want to be involved.” That’s what I would do if I were you, my man.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.