What Should I Be Doing To Get Her Back?

What you should be doing to get her back after pushing her away and turning her off.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who turned his girlfriend off with unattractive behavior to the point that she dumped him and asked to be friends only. He declined and then went no contact. She started reaching out after 12 days and they met at a cafe. The 2nd time they met, he asked her to be his girlfriend again, but she declined saying it takes time. Now he’s unsure of what to do to get her back.

The 2nd email is from a guy in college who got complacent and stopped dating and courting his girlfriend. He said no to friendship after she dumped him. She started reaching out recently, but they are now 3 hours away from each other on summer break. He asks what he should do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

I’ve got two different emails from two different guys today, and they both have the same problem. They displayed a lot of really unattractive behavior to their girlfriends, which led to them getting dumped. And both of them have some kind of weird wrinkles to the logistics of their situation that makes trying to apply what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” to their situation a little more difficult than most people are going to have. So, it’s always good to have emails with these weird things out of left field, or weird logistical issues, or guys that have things going on in their life that are not completely, exactly like most people experience.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach! Thank you so much for your work and your books. You are great. I’m 32. I stumbled upon your work as YouTube suggested me your videos. I realized I have been making a lot of mistakes. I’ve read your book How To Be A 3% Man 6 times, and I need your help understanding my situation right now.

This particular guy found me after he’d done all of these things. So, as I’m going through it, you guys that are familiar with my work are going to be going, “Man, this guy’s making some basic mistakes.” But this was before he came across the book, so the mistakes have been made, and we are where we are.

All of the things I’ve mentioned in this particular paragraph are before I stumbled upon your work. I got dumped basically because I was showing too much unattractive behavior and had become a woman in the relationship.

Yeah, when that happens, when you act like a girl, it ruins the sexual polarity. What it does is it elicits feelings of platonic friendship in your woman. In essence, for her, it’s like dating another woman. She wants the masculine presence, and if you don’t bring it, she’s going to start feeling that you’re a platonic roommate and a nice guy, and it’s going to make her pussy drier than the Sahara Desert, which is no bueno.

She wanted to stay friends which I didn’t accept. I told her I wanted to stay nothing less than lovers and to call me if she changed her mind, and then I cut off all contact.

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And as we talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” when you’re at an impasse, when you want sex and romance and your girlfriend is like, “No, no, no, let’s be platonic friends,” she basically wants you to be a backup that she can monkey branch back to if she doesn’t find him any better.

But at the end of the day, the way her feelings are in that particular moment is they’re feelings of platonic friendship. In other words, you’ve made her pussy drier than the Sahara Desert, and therefore she doesn’t want to have sex with you, because you haven’t been acting like a man consistently. And so, the manly thing to do is to say, “Yeah, no, I’m going to hard pass on the friendship. But if you change your mind, definitely get in touch. And if I’m still available, we can go out on a date.”

She called after 12 days, and I set up a definite date. I’m the oldest in my family, and I’m looking after my brothers who stay with me as of now, so someone is always in the house, and I can’t call her over for dinner.

Well, are they kids, or are they teenagers? Get a babysitter, send them to the grandmother’s house. I mean, dude, you’re 32 years old. At some point, you’ve got to grow up. If you’re trying to re-attract your girlfriend and you’re like, “Well, I’ve got my brothers over, and there’s always somebody house. I just can’t do anything,” it’s like, come on. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. You’re an adult, figure it out.

If you’ve got brothers you’re taking care of, if they’re young, if they’re kids, send them to a babysitter, send them to the grandmother’s. Figure it out. Get somebody that you can count on to watch them. If they’re teenagers, get them to go spend the night at their friend’s, or something like that, so you can have some intimacy time. Because you’re trying to save your relationship. If your relationship is important to you, you’ll get a babysitter, you’ll figure it out. You’ve got to be an adult. At some point, you’ve got to grow up. He says, “There’s always somebody in the house. I can’t call her over for dinner.” Well, that’s just an excuse. You’ve got to figure that out, dude.

The whole idea of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” is she pushed you away, she ended the relationship. She said, “How about friendship?” And you said, “No thanks.” Therefore, since she wrecked the relationship, and ended it, and tapped out, she has to fix it. She has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. Because a lot of guys, what happens is they start meeting for lunches at a cafe and coffee, and they said no to friendship, but when they look at the actions, they’re always meeting the girl out in public places, in the middle of the day, where no seduction can happen. And without realizing it, they’ve acquiesced to her demands of friendship.

So, just because you tell a girl you’re not interested in being friends only when you’ve acted like a beta male for an extended period of time, it doesn’t mean that she’s just going to go, “Okay, well that’s fine. Now we’re going to have sex and a relationship. We’re going to have sexy time.” It doesn’t work that way. What has to happen is that you don’t interact with her in any way that’s platonic. And by having her come to your place to make dinner in the evening, you are giving her the opportunity to win you back over. In other words, she’s coming to you, she’s submitting to you.

Women know that if they’re coming to your house in the evening to make dinner together, that sex is on the table. And a lot of women who are trying to monkey branch or have lost all respect and attraction for the guy, they will try to get him to do platonic things, even after he said no to friendship. They’ll say, “Let’s meet for lunch. Let’s meet in a neutral place. Let’s meet in a group setting. Let’s have a group date.” And when you agree to these things, you’re basically, through your actions, whether you realize it or not, saying you’re okay with friendship. And this is why you don’t go to cafes and other things.

Plus, if it’s a cafe in the middle of the day, like in this guy’s case, he’s got no logistics set up. It’s like, well, if you were together before, what did you guys do when you wanted to have sex and you had your brothers in the house? It’s like, you did something. Maybe you went to her house, I don’t know. You’ve got to figure it out. You’re 32 years old, dude. Figure it out. You’ve got to have a place for sex and intimacy to happen. So, if you’ve got you got little brothers, if you have kids to take care of, get a babysitter. Figure it out, man. I can’t solve that for you. You’re a big boy, put your big boy pants on.

So, after she contacted me, we met at a cafe where we made out. Later that night we were talking on the phone…

Again, the phone is for setting dates. You said you read the book six times, and yet you’re doing the opposite of what it teaches. And you guys will see, when we get to the end of his email, he’s like, “I don’t know what to do.” It’s like, the information is there, but you’re basically still trying to live the way you were living before, which was the way that got you rejected. You’re not really changing your behavior that much. And that’s why this guy has met up with her several times and he’s got nothing. He’s just gotten a little bit of kissy-poo, and that’s it. There’s no rekindling happen.

But if he had gotten a babysitter and acted like an adult, and she came over, they hung out , had fun and hooked up, he’d be a much further along, if he’d actually followed the instructions. Get an efficiency apartment, figure it out. I don’t know. It’s like, come on, dude. I have guys who are like, “Oh, I live with my parents. What do I do?” I was like, “Well, what did you do before when you were together?” Sex and intimacy need peace and quiet. You don’t need other people around. Especially if you’ve got an ex coming over, you don’t want your parents there, you don’t want your roommates there. You don’t want your little brothers there that you’re taking care of. It’s admirable that you’re doing that, but at the end of the day, you’ve got to figure this out, man.

…where she told me she missed us being together and that she wanted to meet me as soon as possible again and I set a definite time. I made another mistake when we met by asking her to be my girlfriend again.

I mean, that’s right in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” It takes time for a woman to fall in love, and it takes time for her to fall out of love. And it takes time for her to fall back in love. And as “3% Man” talks about, a man’s job in the courtship is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and then the hook up. Simple as that. That’s why if she’s earning another chance with you, you don’t ask her to be your girlfriend again. It doesn’t work that way. She dumped you when her feelings were platonic, when she felt nothing, when her pussy had dried up. And women help you when they like you, which is also in the book.

She told me that we should give it time and not jump into a relationship.

In other words, that’s her right there, telling you it takes time. And if she’s trying to earn another chance with you, instead of the other way around, you should not be proposing for her to be your girlfriend. I mean, that’s just kind of dumb. You’ve got to exercise self control, dude. It’s like, you say you read the book six times, but when I look at your actions, it doesn’t seem like anything’s changed from the time you were together. So, the book, you could read it a thousand times, but if you do the opposite of what it teaches, you’re going to continue to turn her off.

I replied, “I’m moving on,” and my feelings are dying because of the way she’s handling our things.

When you say something like that, you’re trying to put in an artificial time constraint to pressure her into doing what you want. Because you’re in a fearful state. You’re looking for certainty. You’re trying to lock her down to a commitment. And once again, this is the opposite of what the book teaches and what “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” discusses. So, it’s not going to help you if you’re going to continue to do the opposite of it.

She kissed me passionately like never before and hugged me very tight. Then I had to go to another city for 3 weeks for work where she constantly called and texted me.

Well, a lot of guys get in this situation. They’re calling and texting on the phone, and you’re giving her all this attention and validation, while she goes and meets up with Chad Thundercock, who actually has a place all to himself and invites her over and he seduces her properly, instead of meeting at cafes for lunch in the middle of the day and doing platonic friendship things.

Because what you continue to do with all this talking and texting on the phone and kisses on the cheeks and stuff out in public is that you give her the attention and validation, and you’re definitely a great backup plan for. She knows she has all the power. You are not behaving as if she is somebody that has to earn another chance with you.

I was super busy and had very little time in hand, so I couldn’t talk much when she called or texted me. Around a week later, She told me that she loved me and that she would do anything for me, she would die for me. Then I stumbled upon your work and I realized what was going on. According to your work, I should call her over for dinner and we should hook up but I can’t call her over to my house because my brothers stay with me and they are always at the house.

Get a fucking babysitter, dude. Come on. Seriously, grow the fuck up.

She was insisting we meet, so I met her at a cafe again.

He likes blue balls, obviously.

We made out but nothing more.

This is why you don’t meet at cafes. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, dude. You read the book six times, and yet you’re continuing to do what got you dumped in the first place. You’re not ever going to attract back behaving this way.

She told me later that day, that her work friend asked her out on a date…

Oh, there’s your call, but you don’t have to worry about him. See, you should have been rearranging her insides for the past month, which you could have easily been doing. Now, you’ve got a coworker there she’s telling you about.

…which she declined but told him she was single. Later she corrected it to “sort of single.”

So, in other words, she told her coworker, “Hey, you’re in the running.” She gave him the green light. This is why you don’t do platonic things. This is why you don’t go to cafes. This is why you don’t meet her out, because you’re begging for her attention, and you’re begging for another chance. And this is the opposite of what I teach.

Again, if you read the book six times, and then you do the opposite, you shouldn’t be surprised that all you do is get a little kissy poo. And then, for your troubles and all the three cafe dates that you’ve had now and the money and the time you spent on her, she goes, “Oh, I’m sort of single, and this co-worker wants to take me out.” So, in other words, full disclosure, she’s telling you who she’s going to monkey branch to next. And yet, you’re chasing her right into this guy’s arms, because you can’t seem to, at 32 years old, figure out, “Oh, maybe I should get a babysitter.”

She is insisting that we meet again but I don’t want to go to some cafe again. This is not what I should be doing anyways. I’m stuck here. I can’t call her over to my place although that would be the best.

Get a babysitter, dude. Seriously. Did I mention get a babysitter? Call your grandparents. Call an aunt, uncle, somebody that you trust to watch your brothers, let them spend the night, so you can try to fix your relationship by rearranging her insides and beating up her pelvis. Or, if you like blue balls, then keep trying it your way.

I’m thinking if I should take her with me on a week long road trip next week or should I take her on a dinner date and then say I’ve made a reservation at a hotel nearby? And she tells people that she’s single but is also saying she loves me.

That’s because she wants to keep you on the hook. And then she’ll say,” Oh, sorry. You know, this new guy, I’m committed to him, and we’re going to be serious now. We can just be friends?”

That she would do anything for me, she would even die for me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That all sounds good, yet she’s letting other people know that she’s single.

How do I deal with this situation? Your insights on this will be very helpful.

Regards,

Bob

Follow what’s in the book. Follow what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You’re doing the opposite of it, and you’re going, “What do I do, Corey?” You can follow my work, or you can continue trying it your way. And all you’re doing is getting blue balls.

So, if it was me, I’d invite her over, get a babysitter and hang out, have fun, and hook up. And if things go well, you can say, “Hey, you should come with me next week or meet up with me next week in my travels. It’d be great to have you.” And she could say yes, she could say no. It doesn’t matter. Let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing and make dates. Get a babysitter, figure it out. Find somebody else in the family that can watch your brothers, so you can have sexy time with your girlfriend. It’s like, Jesus Christ, dude, grow up.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve been a follower of your work for a long time. After a year and a half relationship with an awesome girl, I got complacent, stopped dating and courting, and stopped making her feel heard and understood.

Well, what do I always say? What’s in the book? If you don’t date and court your wife, eventually somebody else will. Just like the guy above, he’s not dating and courting her. He’s just going and hanging out with her, like the gay male girlfriend and the the needy nice guy who’s in backup position. She gives you a little kiss, “Oh, I would die for you,” but yet she’s going on dates with other guys. It’s like, okay.

We broke up on good terms. I’ve been seeing different girls and I assume she’s been seeing other people too. Although she never really asked to be friends, I told her that I disagreed with her decision to throw in the towel, not to contact me in the future unless it was out of romantic interest, and that I didn’t want anything platonic.

Well, as you saw in the first email, even though he told her he wasn’t interested in friendship, his actions show that he was totally okay with being friends and getting just a little bit of kissy-poo, while she keeps telling him about all the guys that are coming out of the woodwork trying to go out on dates with her. And he’s going, “Aw shucks, I don’t have a place. I can’t get a babysitter, that’s too hard to think about.”

We both go to college together and have many of the same friends. We see each other pretty often, and when we do she is pretty avoidant of conversation. I smile and say hello and she has a sad look on her face every time we make eye contact.

“Hey cutie, what are you doing? You miss me? Have you been thinking about me? Are you staying up late at night? Are you going through lots of batteries late at night with your little clit tickler,” or whatever her favorite appliance is. Most girls have appliances, so if you were ex-girlfriend and boyfriend, then you know about her appliances.

About a week ago, she texted me a picture that she took of my friend and I at a recent social event we were at.

This was the first communication we’ve had since the breakup, and it came about a week before we went home for the summer. I responded lightly and asked when she was leaving for the summer and that I’d love to see her before we go home. She responded “I don’t think that’d be the best idea”. I said that was fair, and to let me know if she changes her mind.

“That was fair”…? I would have just come back and said, “It’s a great idea. We should get together. We’re not going to see each other all summer. I don’t want you missing me the whole summer. When are you available?” Be direct, be decisive. Get to the point.

My main question is, we are home for about 4 months, we live about 3 hours away and would visit each other pretty often last summer. If she were to reach out over the summer should I invite her to come visit?

Absolutely. She has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. This is what “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” says. It’s on her to win you over. Therefore, “Hey, you should come visit me.” She did it last summer. It’s not like you’re a stranger.

Or is that type of thing for relationships?

No. Your job as a man in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. For you ultra religious guys that are no sex until marriage, well, sexy time happens on your wedding night, congratulations. And whenever you’re on your dates, you’ll go as far as you can go.

It would be much more than a simple come over and make dinner together, as we’d be spending a few days together.

Well, that’s perfect. She’s not going anywhere.

I know I should walk and never look back, but none of the girls I’ve been seeing compare to her, and it just kills me knowing how bad I screwed up and how different things would be if we rekindled our relationship.

Thanks for everything you do,

Bob

Well, you were familiar with my work. As you said, you’d been following me for a long time. Maybe you were one of those guys that just cherry picked and never bothered reading the book, because you thought you were super special and super high IQ. And then you didn’t bother filling in your knowledge gap, and what happened? You got dumped for getting complacent. You didn’t make her feel heard and understood. You didn’t date and court her properly.

Obviously, if you get back together again, the impulse is to become that way slowly over time. And so, you’ve definitely got some work to do. But absolutely, you invite her to come. She’s already been there before. You’ve already done this. Your job is just to get her there, so you can hang out, you have fun, you hook up, and you can do it for multiple days. And then when she leaves, she’s got to do all the calling, all the texting, all the pursuing. Because, again, she wrecked the relationship, and her driving three hours to see you is her submitting to you, and showing that she wants to see you.

And you don’t go to see her until you’re back together. She’s got to come over at least three times. And if you hang out and have fun and hook up all three times, then maybe you can meet somewhere, or go do something fun for the summer together, a little weekend rendezvous, or whatever.

But these are really simple cases to turn around, because both of these women are in contact with these guys. But if they’re not going to apply what’s in the book or “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you’re going to get blue balls.

But the second guy, you can see this is what happens when the girl first starts to come back. So, it’s so typical to hear, “Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” You hear that a lot. “Hey, let’s get together for dinner.” “I don’t think that would be a good idea.” And so, that’s why you’ve got to be positive and say, “It’s a great idea.”

If you’re in sales and you’re trying to get your your client to come in and test drive a car, if they don’t come in and test drive a car, they’re not going to buy over the phone, ever. So, in this case, what you’re selling is the horizontal bop to her, and so, she needs to come and test drive you in person to do the horizontal bop. Or the “Unskinny Bop,” as the old Poison song goes.

But you’ve got to create an opportunity to get together, and hang out, and have fun, and hook up. She’s got to come to you. Like I said, if she comes over three times in a row, then you can meet her out and do other things with her. But, again, when you’ve been dumped, when she wrecked it, she’s got to fix it. That’s why she comes to you. And that’s why the first guy is having so much trouble, because he’s doing the opposite of that. Because he just couldn’t figure out that getting a baby sitter was a good idea.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. And if you’ve got a good email question you’d like to send in, whether it’s for me directly or you want me and the girls to discuss it in the podcast, send it to Questions@understanding relationships.com.