Some things to consider and what you should do if you catch your girl lying to your face.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a guy who caught his live-in girlfriend who he just bought a house with lying about a man she used to date, but always said he was just a friend and like a brother to her.
The second email is from a guy who just got back with his ex after he turned her off and got dumped. He went through her phone and found out she was sleeping with another guy when they were broken up. She lied to his face multiple times saying she didn’t date anyone. He gave her a chance to come clean and she didn’t. Both men ask what they should do about the lying. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
I’ve dated this gal for about a year now. We just recently purchased a house. We are very compatible with hardly any issues.
The test? She would bring up this guy named Bob. I never really cared if she brought up any guy to be honest. She described him to be like a brother. Cool, I didn’t care. I have my own physical therapy practice and she unbeknownst to me had recommended to Bob to come see me for some injuries he’s dealing with. She one day said, “Bob is asking if it would be weird to see you.” I responded with, “No I don’t care.”
Remember, keep mind, at this point, this is a friend of hers, “He’s like a brother to me.” When women say he’s like a brother, it means, “Hey, my feelings are platonic.” But there’s more. Just wait.
He eventually texted me, “Hey, this is Bob, Jessica’s (my girlfriend’s) former partner.”
You’re like, “Former partner? What?”
I was like, “WTF, a former partner? I thought this was a brother to her?” This is the first time she has lied. I pulled back and withheld what you call ‘my gift.’ She cried because I was now distant. We made up and everything is fine, except for I have not brought up how I know now that Bob was her former partner and that it made me doubt her and our relationship.
Should I laugh this off and be indifferent as one of her little tests? Should I admit it bothered me when I found out this was a former partner?
Thanks for being a part of my life for about 13 years now, (maybe more).
Hey, thanks for sticking around that long.
I sincerely mean it when I say you have helped me become a much more centered person and now a contributor to my community.
So he’s like, “Should I just laugh this off?” and he says, “Should I admit it bothered me when I found out I was a former partner?” Well, finding out it was a former partner is not really the issue. The issue is she wasn’t honest about it. She wasn’t forthcoming. You could say, well, she just didn’t tell you the whole truth. She told you what you needed to know. But to represent that this guy is just a friend and then conveniently leave out, “Oh yeah, we used to be boyfriend girlfriend and sleep together”?
It is truthful from her perspective that he’s “just a friend.” But if the guy is “just a friend,” more than likely he probably got dumped. And I would think, on some level, he’s probably hoping someday he’ll get another shot at her. Typically, that’s the only reason a dude like that is going to stick around and be friends. Unless, of course, he feels nothing for her anymore and he’s totally cool with it. But nine times out of ten, the guy is carrying the torch.
I was having this conversation with Erica. We did a podcast a couple of weeks ago about it, and she’s got several guys that are friends that she’s stuck in friend zone and she’s like, “Oh, he’s like a brother to me.” And I said, “I bet if you picked up the phone and called the dude and said, “Come over, I’m ready to sleep with you,” he would drop what he’s doing and come over.” She was like, “Oh no, he wouldn’t. He would think there’s something wrong with me.” I was like, “Yeah, whatever.” And then, as we got further into it, on another occasion, this guy admitted he’s still carrying the torch for her, and he’s hoping someday he’d be able to sleep with her.
So, women are naive, and they don’t want to admit that. But that’s the fact of the matter. And so, if I was a betting man, if I was in Las Vegas, like, “Hey, Corey, you want to place a wager here? Does this guy still carry the torch for Bob’s now girlfriend, or not?” If I’m a betting man, I’m going to bet my money that, yeah, he is still carrying the torch and hoping to get another chance with her. She may completely be honest about how it’s platonic, but that’s just indicative of how she feels in the moment. That’s just reality.
But the fact that she lied about it, that is the issue. And so, typically, I would be having a conversation. I’d be saying to her, “I don’t care that you used to date this guy, but the fact that you covered it up, and I have to find out through the grapevine you guys used to date and sleep together, and you’ve always maintained, ‘Oh, he’s like a brother to me. He’s just a friend.’ And then you conveniently leave out, ‘Oh, this is my ex-boyfriend,’ that’s disingenuous and that’s not honest. And I would wonder, why would you deceive me in that way?”
“I don’t understand. That doesn’t make any sense to me. Because the reality is I can’t be with somebody that I don’t trust. And if you’re going to lie about something like that, it’s like, what else are you lying about?” And in this particular case, see what she has to say. You could give her a mulligan. In golf, we have what’s called a mulligan. It’s like a gimme. It’s like, “Hey, I forgive you.” But you’ve got to say, “I can’t be with somebody I don’t trust. I can forgive you for this, but it’s going to take a long time to earn the trust back. And if something like this happens again, if you blatantly lie to my face and cover something like this up, it’s not going to work out.”
“So, we have to be honest with each other. I’ve got to be able to trust you if you’re going to be a teammate, especially if we end up wanting to have kids together someday. I’m not going to be with somebody that’s going to lie to me about something like this. That’s just not going to fly.” So, the issue is the lack of integrity. And a good woman, a woman who has integrity, a woman who is redeemable, if you will, she’ll recognize, “Wow, I really screwed up, and I don’t want to lose this relationship.”
But a woman who’s a ratchet and she just figures, “Okay, well, I got caught this time. Hopefully he doesn’t catch me in another lie,” I mean, if she’s a liar and devious, she’ll lie again. You’ll catch her in something else, and then you can pull the ripcord. I’d give her a mulligan on this, but I would impress upon her that love cannot exist without trust. And it’s not cool to misrepresent a ex-boyfriend as some “just a friend” guy, and he’s just strictly platonic. And then you’ve got to find out from somebody else, “Oh, yeah, your girlfriend used to sleep with that guy and used to date him. They were actually boyfriend-girlfriend.” And meanwhile, “You’ve completely misrepresented the relationship that you had with this guy, and that’s just not cool. It gives me a lot of pause.” So, I’d give her a chance to redeem herself, but if you catch her in another lie, she belongs the streets!
Second Viewer’s Email:
Thank you for taking the time to read this email! I will get straight to the point. I am on my 3rd read of your book and have been listening to your YouTube channel for just over a year. (I was introduced to your work through a friend during his divorce.)
Quick back story, my girlfriend of 3 years and I split up. After the breakup, I made several mistakes, (some really “come on man” moments) which led me to take a good long look in the mirror, take some accountability and get back on the horse. I made several changes in my life and what do you know, within 2 months here comes the ex, begging to see me again, letting me know what a mistake the breakup was.
Well, of course she made a mistake. And as I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” if she’s the one that did the dumping, she’s got to fix it. So, obviously this guy got dumped, because I can just tell what’s going on here. And now she’s come back, but there is an issue of honesty.
Fast forward, we have been dating again, and things are going good. The issue I have is regarding this one lie. I asked her if she had dated any one while we were apart, which she answered “no.” I could not stop questioning this as she is extremely attractive and obviously would have no issue getting a date.
Well, an insecure girl is going to literally be jumping in bed with somebody else to get over it, especially if you’re together for several years. A woman who has got her act together is going to take some time to heal. She’ll hang out with her friends or family, and when she feels ready, she’ll start saying yes to the invitations that, quite frankly, all attractive women are always getting. They just say, “Hey, I have a boyfriend. Sorry, I’m in a relationship.”
Women are never out of the game. The only difference is when they’re locked up and tied down or in a relationship, they just say, “Sorry, I have a boyfriend. Sorry, I’m married. Sorry, I can’t. I’m taken. I’m seeing somebody.” But as soon as they’re single, they can go, “Sure. Let’s go out on a date.”
Later that night, I checked her phone, (not my proudest moment)…
Well, your Spidey sense was obviously saying, “I don’t really trust what she’s telling me is accurate. It doesn’t make any sense.”
…and found explicit evidence that she had dated and slept with someone for over a month. Again, we were only apart for 2 months.
Women are never out of the game, bro. All they have to do is to to be back in the game and just start saying, yes, that’s it. Us guys, we’ve got to warm up to it. You’ve got to do some cold approaches. You’ve got to get out there, practice your game a little. Take some time, get rejected, crash and burn a few times.
So, the next day I started a conversation, (keeping it light and playful), about values and what is important for a relationship to thrive. One of my points was honesty and trust and how I would prefer the most uncomfortable truth vs. any comfortable lie, and how being honest in the hard times leads to future trust, and she even agreed. So, I asked again, “Did you go on any dates while broken up?” (Hell, I even thought if she tells the truth now, I am wifing this one up!)
Easy, easy, easy, easy. Calm down there, cowboy. Whoa. Pump the brakes. Slow your roll.
She doubled down and stuck with her original NO.
Well, that’s disappointing.
After which I responded, ‘Well, if that’s what you say then I will believe you because you said it,” never revealing the truth, which I already knew. I gave her every chance to just tell the damn truth. I truly only wanted honesty in a difficult moment.
And the reality is you were not worth the truth. That’s the thing that hurts. She didn’t think you could handle it. Which probably you wouldn’t have been happy about it, because she had already lied, but she’s doubled down.
My question, should I just accept this lie as an outlier?
Like you say who someone dates when you are not together really is none of your business.
Which is true, but the fact is you’ve got the evidence of it, you’ve seen it in her phone, even though you shouldn’t have been her phone. But you did. You got good intel. I mean, the bottom line is she was sleeping and hooking up with somebody else. And so, why wouldn’t she tell you? Well, she’s worried what you’re going to think of her. Because, number one, she’s been lying the whole time about it. Number two, so quickly after you broke up, she was already sleeping with somebody else.
Or is this lie enough to break the trust?
Well, like I was telling the first guy, you’ve got to have a conversation with her. Because the reality is that she’s lying to your face, and you’ve got to call her out on it. I would give her a chance to come clean. I would say, “Look, I know you were dating and sleeping with somebody.” You don’t tell her how you know. Just say, “I know that you were dating and sleeping with this guy for about a month, and I was told about this. And I thought, ‘Well, that’s interesting, because I had asked her if she dated anybody else while we were apart, and she was adamant that she had not.’ And then I find out, a little bird tells me, that you were dating and sleeping with a guy this whole time. And I know who the dude is. What’s up with that? Why would you lie to me? Why would you lie to my face about that?”
Then you have the same conversation with her that I mentioned to the first emailer. Love cannot exist without trust. See what she has to say. Does she get upset? Does she come clean? What’s her reasoning for lying about this? If she’s lying about this, what else is she lying about? And you should ask her that. Maybe the best time to bring this up would be right after you had sex, as you’re lying there naked, and then bring this up to her.
Bring this conversation up. Let’s see what she has to say. Does she try to lie her way out of it? Does she come clean? I would just say, “Look, I’m willing to give you a chance to redeem yourself, but I don’t trust you. I don’t believe. Now, every time you tell me something, I wonder, ‘Is she being honest or is she lying to me because she’s worried what I’m going to think?’ And if you’re just the type of person who’s a habitual liar, I’m going to catch you in a lie again. And then that will be the end of our relationship. But if you truly are remorseful and this was just a one time thing, then you’ll be consistent going forward. And then we have nothing to worry about. But love cannot exist where there’s no trust. And I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.” A good woman will be honest and we’ll honor that and will say, “You know what? I’m never going to get to do that again.”
I mean, that’s what I’ve had happen in my life. Whether it’s people I know personally, or women I’ve dated, or people that I’ve worked with, when you catch somebody lying to your face, you’ve got to confront them about it. And you’ve got to say, “I can’t be with somebody / I can’t work with somebody / I can’t be friends with somebody that’s going to lie to my face like this. I’m willing to give you a chance to redeem yourself and earn my trust back, but it’s going to take time. But any time you tell me something, I’m always going to wonder, ‘Is this the truth, or is she lying because she’s worried about what I’m going to think about something?'”
And a good woman will say, “You know what? I’m going to earn your trust back. I’m really sorry. It was stupid to me to do that. It will never happen again,” and she’ll never do it again. If she respects you and loves you, she won’t do it again. But if she’s a ratchet, you’ll catch her in a lie soon enough about something else. And then you say, “Hey, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I gave her a mulligan. She only gets one mulligan. But I gave her one. She promised it would never happen again. And weeks later, (months later, whatever it happens to be), she just did something completely dishonest.”
Because what we’re trying to determine here is – if you’re going to stay with somebody, or if you’re going to have them as a friend, or if you’re going to get into business with them – are they honest with you, or are they lying to your face? Because no good relationship is going to last if there’s lying and there’s no trust. Simple as that. And so, you’re trying to make an informed, intelligent decision. Is this person trustworthy, or are they just a lying ratchet that’s just going to habitually lie? Because if they are a habitual liar, there’s nothing to fix there. That’s just who they are. All you can do is accept it and move on.
You’re not going to turn them into an honest person, no matter how much you like them, or how much chemistry you have, or how great they are in the bedroom, or how great they are in business. If you’re with somebody that’s dishonest, they’re going to try to screw you. Simple as that. They’ll screw you over, they’re going to lie to your face. And so, like I said, with a good girl it’ll be a one off thing. But a woman that’s a habitual liar, you’ll catch her again.
And so, you’ve just got to have your eyes wide open. You’ve got to be paying attention. You can’t get hypnotized by the boobs, and the booty, and the good sex and all that stuff, and the sweet voice, and the fact that she smells like candy whenever she’s around. It’s like, you’ve got to see her as she is. You’ve got to look and see what she does. And right now, both of these girls have a big question mark. They’re in the unknown category.
Can we trust them right now? It doesn’t look like it, but we’re going to let them prove through their actions that they are redeemable, and they’ve learned their lesson, and they don’t want to ever take the chance of losing you in their life. Because if it does happen again, then that’s just who they are. And if you keep forgiving the lies, that just says lying is always going to be forgiven. And whatever you tolerate, you invite more of. I’d give them a chance and then see what they do.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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