What You Should Do When She Breaks No Contact

What you should do when she breaks no contact so you can potentially reconcile.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 39 year old viewer who got dumped by his 26 year old girlfriend because he got lazy and complacent. They work in law enforcement and her father also works in the same department. She has been reaching out as they have a cat together, but he hasn’t tried setting dates. She seems to be getting angrier and more upset at him. He asks what he can do to reconcile because he wants her back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “What You Should Do When She Breaks No Contact.”

Well, this particular emailer is 39 years old. He got dumped by his 26 year old girlfriend because he got lazy and complacent, like most guys tend to do in a long term relationship. He didn’t see it coming like most guys don’t. So he’s been reading 3% Man, if you’re new here, you can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the Email Newsletter, which is also free, and it’ll open up right in your web browser. And so she’s been reaching out.

Apparently they got a cat that they shared together, but she’s pretty pissed off and I guess at a work function the other day, she had a little bit too much to drink and she caused a scene. He doesn’t really elaborate. But you can tell she’s mad, she’s hurt, she’s upset, and even though he’s reading the book, he’s not really making dates. And because I think it seems like he’s in the mentality of, they’re going to go from broken up to being back together, instead of understanding.

I don’t know if he’s been through 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the article and video I did several years ago, probably 10, 11 years ago at this point, that he should definitely be following. Because she’s breaking No Contact and she’s reaching out, but he’s not really doing anything to facilitate get togethers. Which could account for part of the reason why she’s getting more mad. She’s getting more upset. Because the reason she left is because he wasn’t putting the effort into the relationship that she expected. More than likely, he wasn’t dating and courting her properly, and didn’t make her feel heard and understood.

Because that’s what pretty much just about every guy does wrong in long term relationships. Women want to be in a love story, and if the love story stops, they assume you don’t care, despite what you say. Oftentimes, the reason that most guys start, or they stop the courtship is they’re trying to save money. And so in trying to save money, they’re like, “oh, well, we’ll just stay home. We won’t go out on dates.”

Doesn’t mean you got to go out and do expensive things, but they don’t put any thought or any effort into it, and they just basically become homebodies and roommates and it doesn’t go well. So let’s go through his email and see what we can do to help this guy. Because he really wants to reconcile. She’s definitely reaching out, but he’s not really doing anything.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

I’ve been listening to your 3% Man audiobook, and I’m currently on my fourth listen. It’s been incredibly helpful as I navigate a complicated situation with my ex-girlfriend.

Well, one thing to keep in mind, your job as a man in the courtship is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. If your girl broke up, with, like in this case, she did, she left, she moved out. And then she starts reaching back out after a period of No Contact. You like the book says and like 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, assume she wants to see you. Invite her over to your place to make dinner together. because she unilaterally ended the relationship. She fucked it up. Therefore she’s got to fix it. And when she reaches out, you assume that she’s had enough, no time apart.

She’s starting to miss you again. You’re just assuming this. So you invite her over to make dinner at your place, in the evening. Don’t go to her. Don’t go pick her up. Don’t go to lunches. Don’t go to coffee dates. Have a romantic evening. No group dates. Just a romantic evening at your place. And if she’s open to reconciling, she’ll agree to that. If she’s trying to keep you stuck in friend zone, she’ll try to get you to go to lunch and do things outside your house.

You want to see that she will submit and come to you and work things out. Now it doesn’t mean when she comes over you start having serious heavy subjects. You treat it just as a date. Almost like it’s a first date. If she wants to talk about the past, great. But your job is to focus on living in the moment and having a good time together. Getting her to laugh, getting her to open up. “How you been? What’s up? What’s new?” And just talk.

Get her to do 80, 90% of the talking. And then when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed, ready to be touched, ready to be seduced, then you make your move and you seduce her. Again, all this stuff is laid out in the book of when to know when to move forward and when to back off, and when to hang back a little bit.

A month ago, on my birthday, the day after we returned from the Bahamas, she broke up with me.

That’s kind of shitty on your birthday.

She said she left because I stopped trying in the relationship after my mother passed away last fall and that she no longer felt emotionally attracted to me.

So he had a life, a major life event. Obviously, losing your mother is not a good time. It’s not fun. I’ve been through it and that happens. Guys get depressed, they lose their job, somebody close to them dies, and they have a hard time getting back on track and we tend to withdraw and process all that stuff. And what the woman sees is you’re no longer dating and courting her, which makes her feel like you don’t care. Doesn’t matter what you say. Or you can say I love you till you’re blue in the face. If you’re not taking her out on dates and not courting her, despite the shitty things that are going on in life.

Because life is a series of tragedies and things that don’t go your way. And so you still must always move forward and do the little things and be disciplined. Like Jocko Willink says, “discipline equals freedom.” So even though you might not feel like it, even though you’re distraught over losing your mother, you still gotta date and court your girlfriend, or like Tom Brady, eventually somebody else will come along and do that for you.

In the first two days after the breakup, I expressed how much she meant to me and my desire to work things out.

Which is good, which is what you should do. But it takes two to tango. If she’s not willing to do anything, you just say, “hey, I understand. Maybe you need space. Whatever. Hit me up. Hit me up when you want to hang out. Hit me up when you want to talk. I’d love to see you.”

After that, I went into No Contact and only responded if she initiated contact.

So when she initiates contact after that, she’s breaking no contact and you should assume, “Hey, you. It’s really good to hear from you. I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like?” And then you invite her over to make dinner at your place. Hang out, have fun, hook up. And if she reaches out two consecutive times in a row, again, this is all laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. How you handle the objections. If she’s open to it at this point, she’ll come over. If she’s not, she’ll tell you she’s busy or she’ll go, “oh, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

If you hear, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Say, “I think it’s a great idea, I miss you, I love you, I want to see you.” Because she left. Because she felt like you didn’t care. And so when a woman says, “I don’t think that’s a good idea”, it’s kind of a test. Their words. “How bad do you really want to see me? Do you really care?” And so she says, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” You say, “babe, I think it’s a great idea. I miss you, I love you, I want to see you. Get your cute little ass over here. Let’s have a good time. Let’s make dinner together and catch up.” And just stay focused on making the date.

Here’s where things get more complicated: we’re both police officers in the same small department, which adds a layer of complexity.

So if you see her smile, tease her, be playful. If you see her across the way, smile, wave. But don’t go out of your way to talk to her, because again, she’s the one that left. So if she comes over, “Hey, you. You look great. You look pretty hot in that uniform.” Whatever. Obviously, if there’s other people around, you got to kind of manage that a little bit. But if she just comes over to you, it’s like,” hey, cutie, I miss you. I’d love to see you.

Additionally, her father is also in the department, and there’s an age difference—she’s 26, and I’m 39.

Well, that doesn’t really matter because she already lived with you, so it doesn’t matter. It’s irrelevant.

We lived together with our cat, but she moved out and left me the choice of whether to keep the cat.

Well, the king of his kingdom is going to keep the kitty cat and the family pets and the kids. Because the king wants to keep his family together. The fair maiden wants to leave the castle she’s welcome to. But she’s also welcome to come back. And we would love to have her come back and hang out with us and the cat.

I chose to keep the cat, which has led to her being extremely upset over the past few weeks. She even caused a scene at a work function yesterday after having a few drinks.

She’s definitely mad, she’s definitely hurt. And if she’s been reaching back out and breaking No Contact and you just respond, but you’re not inviting her over, well, that’s kind of a mistake because what she starts to take is, well, I moved out and left. He’s not really doing anything to make me feel warm, make me feel like he misses me. He wants me, which pisses her off. Upsets her even more. Because what’s behind anger? Fear?

We have two primary fears as human beings. Fear that we’re not enough. In other words, we don’t have what it takes. And the second one is fear that we won’t be loved. So if she’s getting angrier and angrier it’s because she fears she’s not going to be loved. And so she probably is getting a little bit more belligerent. And if she has a couple cocktails, she’ll take a blowtorch to your ass. It doesn’t matter who’s around.

I genuinely want to reconcile and get back together.

Well, again, keep in mind, your job, you got to think of yourself. If you ever had any experience in sales is your job is to be the appointment setter. To create an opportunity for sex, to make a definite date, definite time, definite place to get together. Which in this in this case, she left. She moved out. She ended things. You’re open to a reconciliation. You’re open to giving her another chance to win you back. But she’s got to come to your place in the evening to make dinner together again. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. It’s all laid out. Women offer the same types of objections. Just make the date and then get off the phone.

I was blindsided by the breakup, which I believe is a common feeling, as you describe in your book.

Yeah, most guys are like, they didn’t see it coming. Women do the dumping and the filing for divorce about 75% of the time.

She’s sent me messages expressing her anger and sadness about not being able to spend her life with me.

So if she’s texting you, saying, “I’m really pissed off at you, you really hurt me. I thought we were going to spend our life together.” You should just be like, “babe, we still can. I miss you, I love you, I want to see you. Let’s get together and make dinner together and talk about it and have a good time. Besides, the cat misses you. Come say hello and spend time with your child. When are you free to get together?” That’s what you should be doing.

Throughout this, I’ve tried to stay respectful and kind in our interactions.

Well it sounds like you’ve been kind of being a statue and waiting for her to say, “let’s get back together.” That’s not what happens. It takes time for women to fall in love. It takes time for them to fall out of love, and it will take time for them to fall back in love. Usually about two months, around 6 or 7 weeks. And that’s if your game is tight and perfect and you’re doing a good job of opening up when you are around.

I’m unsure how to handle the situation with the cat, and I’m concerned about how to keep things from escalating further, especially since we see each other at work but not frequently, I am a Sgt that deals with Swat and Aviation. She is a deputy that deals with civil activities like evictions. I hello baby interact with her father more often, as he’s a detective.

Well, she’s reaching out to you, and where you’re going wrong is you’re just not making dates that can get together. I mean, she’s sending you messages expressing her anger and sadness again. What’s behind anger? Fear? She’s afraid you’re not going to love her. That’s why she left. Because she felt like you didn’t love her anymore. And when you act like a statue and you don’t invite her over to make dinner together, and you’re not creating an opportunity for sex to happen, she assumes that you really don’t love her and you really don’t care.

And you really are going to let her go. And that’s why she’s getting really angry and pissed off. This is a pretty simple situation to fix here, but obviously you’re new to my work, but you need to review 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the video is only 10, 15 minutes long and it’s got all the principles laid out and what to do. But she’s making it easy. But you’re not making the date, so it’s pretty simple situation to fix.

Could you advise me on how to approach this situation?

Yes. Create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Your job is not to get back together or ask her to be back in a relationship when she reaches out. Assume she wants to see you. Invite her over. If she throws some resistance, like I don’t think that’s a good idea. Your job is to make the appointment. Or for her to say, no, I’m not doing it. So when she says, I don’t think it’s a good idea, like I said earlier, honey, I think it’s a great idea. I miss you, I love you, I want to see you and our kitty cat misses you. Let’s all make dinner together as a family and hang out and catch up. When are you free? This week to get together?

And then make the date and then get off the phone and say, great, I can’t wait to see you. And then she’ll come over. She’ll probably have a good attitude. You don’t say, let’s talk about the relationship and have a serious conversation, just like you’re having a first date. She comes over, kiss her on the lips. Hey cutie, I missed you. So glad you’re home. And how you been? What’s new? Get her to talk. Get her to open up. That’s your job. Make sure she’s doing 70, 80, 90% of the talking, most of the talking. And again, as the book says, when she’s playing with her hair and touching your arm and you guys are laughing, you’re cooking dinner together.

Don’t make dinner for her. Do it together so you can physically interact. Because when she starts bumping you and touching you and interacting with you, that’s when you can kiss her and make out and make love in the kitchen. And then come back to dinner. Make some dessert together. Make love again. She’ll probably stay the night. Just hang out and have fun, hook up. That’s all. It’s really simple to fix with where you’re at right now.

How can I better manage the cat issue and improve our chances of reconciliation without making things worse?

Thanks so much for your guidance.

Bob

Well, I pretty much explained that. Again, your situation is pretty easy to fix.

If you got a question or challenge and you’d like to go into detail, I’m happy to do a phone session with you. Or if you’re not the emailer and you’re watching this, you’re like, you got something similar going on, you’d like to talk to me about it, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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