How to know when you should take it slow, or if she simply isn’t interested.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been out on two dates with a coworker. He went for the kiss on their first date but got a hug instead. On their second date he was too timid to try to escalate physically. He asks, since they work together, if it’s warranted to take it slow.
He doesn’t realize she isn’t displaying much romantic interest in him but is treating him platonically. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He’s worried about, as what’s in the 3% Man book, that most women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date. And he’s like, “I haven’t even kissed her yet, and we’ve had two dates.” And so, he’s starting to recognize that something may be amiss here. This is important, because there are plenty of women out there that will go out and hang out with you because they like the time, the attention, the free drinks, the free food, but they have no intention of letting things go further. And so, you’ve got to separate the women who are interested, versus those who are just enjoying the free shit.
Keep in mind, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. If you go out on a couple of dates and you get the kind of reactions that this guy is getting from this woman, don’t keep trying to change her mind. Don’t keep spending money and effort on somebody that is trying to give you blue balls, but appreciates the attention. The reality is there are lots of people in this world that will waste your time. It’s not just in romance, but in business, friends – people get around you get in your inner circle, and they want something from you or somebody in your inner circle. So, you’ve got to be very careful about who you let in and who you allow to stay.
I wanted to get your thoughts on both my current dating situation and how it relates to the overall idea of “taking it slow.”
Well, with love, women fall in love a lot slower than most guys do. Guys see a woman and are visually stimulated, and they think, “This is going to be my perfect future ex-wife.” But women, they fall in love slowly. They fall in love through their years by spending quality time together getting to know somebody.
It’s a process, and the idea to taking it slow is, as a man, you want to go slightly slower, to the point where it’s almost like she’s kind of frustrated that it’s not moving fast enough, because that’s when she becomes more aggressive and escalates things. And when a woman is escalating things and making things easier, it makes things really easy for you. But you’ve also got to recognize when you’re wasting your time.
I work with a fair number of pretty girls and recognize that coming on too strong while flirting is something that I don’t want to do, so I’ve been more subtle in my flirting, and that has thus far worked, since I’ve been out on two dates with one of my coworkers. The first date, we had lunch and drinks.
Well, I wouldn’t have gone out for lunch and drinks. I would have done something in the evening. Because, oftentimes, if you suggest hanging out, she says, “Let’s go to lunch.” Women who are interested in sex and romance are going to be happy planning something in the evening. Because if you do a lunch date in the middle of the day, you go to lunch or you maybe even have a few drinks, she’s like, “Oh, I’ve got plans. I’ve got to meet friends. I’ve got to do this… I’ve got to do that.”
The whole purpose of seduction is to get closer and closer to a woman until you end up inside of her. And if you’re doing a lunch date, then you hang out a few hours, and then she’s going to go do something else and probably go hang out, have fun and hook up with the guy she’s actually having sex with, while he’s beating up her insides and her belly’s full of the food that you bought her for lunch. How’s that for payback?
And the second date we went hiking together.
If you’re hiking and you’re getting all sweaty, that’s not really a conducive date for romance. That’s something you do with a pal, unless you’re taking a tent or something and you’re making a weekend out of it. But that’s just not a good date. I mean, you’re sweaty and stinky. That’s not good for romance. You’ve got to think about these things. You’ve got to think about the logistics of sex, and he isn’t thinking about it. Maybe he doesn’t know any better. He didn’t say if he’d read “How To Be A 3% Man” yet or not.
I went for the kiss on date one, and she went for a hug instead, but I didn’t get butthurt and instead kept being the guy I’ve been that got her attracted to me in the first place.
Well, dude, if she was really attracted to you, she would have kissed you.
That worked, because she and I did go on the hike together.
How does that sound? That sounds like he’s seeking her attention and validation. It reminds me of that video I did years ago, the guy was like, “I got a big, wide open hug.” I think that was even the title of the video that I did. But if she liked him and she was interested in romance, she would have kissed him back. But he’s thinking, “Hey, she’s with me, so she must like me.” Well, if there’s nothing romantic going on, then she enjoys the attention that you’re giving her while somebody else is going to be beating up her pelvis later, after you were out on the hiking trail.
However, you have mentioned that women that like you will probably sleep with you by the third date, but we’ve been on two dates and haven’t gotten to the kiss yet.
Well, part of the problem is you’re not following with the book teaches. You’re doing the opposite; you’re doing things in the day, which are platonic oriented style dates, if you will.
What’s stopping me from potentially being physically overeager in her eyes is that fact that we do work together, so I don’t want to inadvertently cause problems at our job. So, with that in mind, being patient has been my operating strategy and has been working thus far.
Well, blue balls is not a great result. And getting a hug after spending all this time, and I don’t know how much money he spent buying their drinks and food, but that’s kind of like a poor return on investment. And then she’s telling him, “I don’t want you to be over eager.” So, she’s like, “You’ve got to take it slow. I don’t want to rush things. Let’s do lunch. Buy me lunch, take me to a movie, take me on a hike, entertain me. And then, I’m going to go home and call my Chad, and he’ll come over and rearrange my insides out later.” She’ll call Chad Thundercock to give her a proper seeing to.
As for taking it slow, regarding physical escalation, how can I reconcile my perceived need to be more on the cautious side, since we work together, with my desire to be physical with her and to escalate things in that way?
Well, it would help if you actually applied what was in “How To Be A 3% Man,” instead of doing platonic things during the day. And at this point, I wouldn’t call or text her for any reason. If you hear from her, if she reaches out, assume she wants to see you. Make a date in the evening for you and her to go do something dinner wise. Because you went on a hike, I mean, that’s just kind of a stupid idea for a second date. That’s something to do with a girlfriend or somebody you’ve already been sleeping with, but not a girl you haven’t even kissed yet. Because that’s something you do with a pal or a friend.
And again, you’ve got to think about it, you’re getting all sweaty and stinky hiking. It’s a bad way to go, my man. Your cock-blocking yourself. But maybe she was steering it that way, that’s the important thing to notice. Because women know if you’re planning on dates in the evening, that romance is on the table. If you’re agreeing to do things in the day, then you don’t have the guts to stand up to her. And so, she’ll appreciate your time and attention and giving her food to fill her belly that gets the slosh around in there when Chad Thundercock is rearranging her insides later in the evening, when he gets off work or whatever he’s been doing.
If we aren’t getting particularly hot and heavy right away or by the third date, do I need to be concerned, despite the fact that she shows overall interest in me otherwise?
Well, you haven’t shared anything in this email that would lead me to believe that she’s interested in anything other than the free meals, the free shit. She sounds like a socialist. Socialists love free stuff, especially because everybody else has to pay for it.
She hasn’t said anything about wanting to take things slow, and has been receptive to all my touches, teases, and flirts, other than the first date kiss I went for.
Well, again, I wouldn’t do anything else at this point. She knows you like her. Go talk to the other girls at work. And if you see her say, “Hey,” and then go about your business. How would you treat her if you are already bored of her and tired of fucking her? You wouldn’t be a dick – you’d be nice, you’d be polite – but you’d be thinking, “I want to talk to these other girls that I work with.” So, spend time talking and interacting with them, and don’t call her or text her for any reason.
If she does reach out to you, then make a date, do something in the evening, and go for the kiss on the next date, even if you think she’s not interested. Because if you go for the kiss on a third date and she gives you another hug, then you know where you stand. And then I wouldn’t ask her out for any reason after that, unless she brings it up first. Say you go out on a third date and you get a hug. Then, I wouldn’t ask her out anymore, even if she calls you and texts you.
It’s the same thing out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” at that point. Send one or two text replies, “Hey, it’s great hear from you. Gotta run. Keep in touch. Talk to you later,” whatever. And then, say she brings up, “Well, we should get together,” then I would invite her over to your place and make dinner in the evening together – hang out, have fun and hook up. If she won’t come over for dinner, go, “Yeah, it’s been a long week, and I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over, then give me a call in a couple of weeks. Maybe I’ll meet you out for lunch, or doughnuts, or another hike,” or whatever. But, obviously, you’re not going to agree to do that.
That’s how I would handle this particular situation. But from what I’ve seen, it sounds like she likes the time, and the attention, and the free food, and you entertaining her, but other than that, I don’t see any indication that she’s interested in romance or is reciprocating it. And you’re kind of ignoring that and only seeing what you want to see, even though there’s no evidence. At least, you didn’t share any evidence of any kind of interest, because if she was really romantically interested, she would have kissed you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go and UnderstandingRelationships.com, Click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“When a woman is romantically interested, she will be open to physical touching and kissing. She will make dates in the evening that are romantic in nature and be excited to see him. When a woman has platonic feelings for a man, she will steer their interactions towards platonic lunch dates, hugging instead of kissing and try to always do things in group settings or bring a friend along. She will also talk about what a great “friend” the guy is to his face and other people. Smart men decline platonic dates and interactions and only give a woman two chances on two separate romantic dates max before moving on to find someone with strong romantic interest.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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