What it means and what you should do when a woman you like has no enthusiasm to see you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The first email is from a guy who wasn’t that into a girl he started seeing and then friend-zoned her because she was needy and clingy. Then she started pulling away from him, and he started caring, and now there’s another guy in the picture.
The 2nd email is from a guy who matched with a girl on Tinder 2 years ago and got ghosted. Now they matched again and went on a date, but she had no enthusiasm for him. She’s now throwing roadblocks up when he tries to set the next date. He’s worried he’s running out of time to make something happen with her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
These are good emails to illustrate what happens when a woman doesn’t really seem to be that into you. And you’ll notice how both of these guys are focused on trying to get her to like them more, instead of having the same attitude that women tend to have, which is, “Do I like this guy? Is he a good match for me? Are we good together?” And so you should be thinking the same way women do it. “Do I like this girl? Is she good for me? Is she good to me? Does she keep her word? Is she loyal?” Because obviously, the number one most important thing to men in a relationship is loyalty. Is this woman capable of loyalty? Does she value her commitment? Do her words mean anything? Or does she constantly say one thing and do another?
There are lots of people in the world that will say one thing and then do the complete opposite. They’re all talk and no action. And especially when it comes to our intimate relationships and our personal relationships, we want people who don’t just talk the talk, but they walk the walk. They show through their actions that they really care. And so, what happens in these situations, when you’re emotionally invested and then the other person’s not reciprocating, you BS yourself into believing there’s something more than there is.
Again, we make our decisions based upon our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify that. So, if a girl is not into us, but we are emotionally invested in her, then we’re going to tend to make excuses and rationalize her behavior. And then, we stick around and we waste lots of time in our lives. I spoke to a guy the other night. He’s been wasting his time for three, three and a half years with this girl he’s going back and forth with. She’s had a boyfriend off and on. It doesn’t matter whether she has a boyfriend or not, he’s still getting together and hanging out. She cheats on her boyfriend, and he’s thinking if he spends enough time around her, he’s going to fix her and turn her into a good woman.
He’s got this fantasy of what he wants to see, and he’s projecting it onto her and completely ignores the reality and the absurdity of the situation that he’s in. Now, keep in mind, he says he’s dating other women, but the reality is he’s been obsessed with this girl for three and a half, four years. When they first met, she had a boyfriend and she’s been back and forth several times. And even when she has a boyfriend or is with her boyfriend, she still meets up with this guy, and still fools around with him, and he thinks he’s going to fix her. So, it’s Captain Save-a-Hoe.
And, you know, I did several phone sessions with this guy. It’s the same conversation each time. He hears what I say, and then he goes and he literally does the opposite. I was pointing that out to him. I said, “You understand, you’re literally doing the opposite of what my book teaches, so you shouldn’t be surprised that she’s totally turned off.” We all tend to BS ourselves a little bit. And so, hopefully these emails can help anybody that happens to be watching to stop BS’ing themselves and see reality as it is – not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is. Because if you see it as it is, and you make your decisions based upon reality, your results will be much better.
First Viewer’s Email:
I met this girl 8 months ago. It was an instant connection and we had similar interests and values. We talked every day and we hung out a few times over the course of a couple weeks. She became extremely needy very soon and wanted to be with me constantly.
Well, you should take that as a compliment, obviously. But the neediness and the clinginess, it gets old really fast. We’ve all met people like this in our lives that act needy and clingy, and they’re constantly communicating, “I’m not worthy to be in your presence.” And eventually, after you’ve heard that enough, you’re like, “You know what, you’re right. You don’t deserve to be in my presence,” and you give them the gift of missing you often permanently.
She would call me randomly all the time, and I quickly got turned off by it all. I eventually told her I wanted to start over as friends and see where it takes us. She agreed, and things slowed down but there was still an obvious attachment to me on her end. I’m in school and she even offered to write my entire essay and told me to come over so we could “work on it.” I became complacent with how things were between us and eventually, a few months passed by.
At this point, I started noticing that she was pulling away, and I was hearing from her less and less.
You pushed her away. Remember, rejection breeds obsession. And so you could just see the pattern here. I experienced this as well. I wrote about it in “3% Man.” It’s like, you get dumped, you get blown off, or in this case, he’s dating girl he’s really not that into, and then she she starts backing away, and all of a sudden, “I care. I’ve got to get her back.” Then you get her back, and all the things that turned you off, they’re still there. And eventually, you dip out anyway in the long run, but at least you know you re-attracted her and then walked away on your terms. It feels a lot better to be the dumper than to dumpee, because rejection breeds obsession.
It got to a point where I realized that she would only hang out if I initiated the plans with her, and then slowly it even went to her canceling and then not accepting at all. (It was obvious to me that at this point I had really fucked things up). To get things back, I reached out and told her how I felt about her. We got on a phone call one night for 5 hours and talked about everything that had happened, and where we stood, etc.
Anybody want to guess how that call went? Did it change anything?
I apologized for how I acted and all. Things seemed great on that call and I figured we were good again, until I realized her actions weren’t matching it, she continued to not give me definite plans or even seem interested on her end.
That tells me that she was all over in the beginning, doing all the chasing. And then as soon as she started backing off a little bit, he completely lost it and he became the girl. And then, he became the guy that was seeking her attention and validation.
We talked again a few days later, and I asked her if there was someone else.
So, you can tell at this point he’s totally focused on a relationship and locking her down. He didn’t care until she started slipping away, then he cared. Remember, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. She removed her attention and it really got his attention.
She told me, “I wouldn’t call it that, but a friend of mine from high school reached out a month ago and told me how he felt, and we’ve hung out a few times, but he lives 4 hours away.” She also told me she didn’t want him but did want me.
Yeah, that sounds nice, but what are the actions?
A few weeks later, I found out through someone that she had this guy stay at her place for a week…
Obviously, rearranging her insides.
…and I confronted her about it, and she lied until she realized I knew.
Sounds like a great, honorable woman.
Since then, she told me she realized she doesn’t have the connection with him she was with me, and that she wants to be with me but “isn’t ready for a relationship” because of her past trauma, etc.
Sure, that’s what it is. Totally. You went from letting her pursue you, to now, you’re doing all of the pursuing. I don’t think you’ve ever read the book, “3% Man,” because it doesn’t seem like you know what you’re doing.
I think she’s lying…
…and that the other guy is still in the picture…
…and she just can’t make a decision on who she wants, etc.
Well, that’s because you’re trying to pressure her into making a decision. Hang out, have fun, hook up – there’s nothing in there about making a decision about a relationship. That’s not part of it. Hang out, have fun, hook up – the three H’s, as we like to call them. That’s it. Your job as a man in the courtship is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun, to hook up.
Most women are typically going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date. That’s just the way it goes. I’m just here telling you how it is. And obviously, if you’re a very religious person, then the seduction, the hooking up is going to happen on your wedding night. And then you can go as far as you can go that your morality or your religious doctrine allows you to go. Different strokes for different folks. I don’t judge. I just want you guys to be happy and get what you want.
Do I stick around and wait for her to choose?
Come on, man. Did you really ask me that, “Do I stick around and wait for her to choose?” How is that masculine?
Or leave and hope she comes back?
Well, you never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. And as the book says, if you’ve called two weeks in a row and she’s turned you down both times – which that sounds like where it’s at now, because you’re calling her, trying to get her out on a date and she just won’t commit to it – stop calling her, stop asking her out. And then if she does reach out, follow what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and then make a date in the evening to make dinner at your place. She’ll either come over and make dinner, and you’ll hang out, and have fun and hook up, or she won’t. You should be following exactly what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
But don’t you find it interesting how this guy didn’t care, friend-zoned this girl, pushes her away, and then she just moves on to meet somebody else. Somebody else comes along and now his attitude has completely changed. He goes from not caring at all and complaining that she’s needy and clingy, to “How do I get her back? I lost the love of my life.” He didn’t say that, but I’ve heard that so many times. It’s just amazing how powerful it is on people, how much it affects them.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I matched with this girl on Tinder during the beginning of the pandemic and after some chatting met up with her on a walk. It seemed to be okay, but I didn’t make any physical contact beyond a boring hug, so she ghosted me after.
Fast forward 2 years, and she matched with me again on Tinder to my surprise, I reached out to her about meeting up, and she agreed. We ended up meeting at a coffee shop and it was a pretty quick date. She seemed not very flirtatious and the date ended even faster in another awkward hug.
So, you’ve been out with this girl twice. What is missing? There’s no enthusiasm. Just like the other girl. She went from having tons of enthusiasm for that guy to, at the end, she had no enthusiasm for getting together at all other than just, “Oh, you’re the one for me.” But she doesn’t get together with him. You want a woman that’s like, “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you. I’d love to go out. That’d be great.” You want her jumping at the chance to hang out with you. That’s what you’re looking for.
Too many guys settle for this and try to change the girl’s mind, because they’ve seen too many movies where that works. A man who has choices and options just goes on to the next one. Maybe he dates her friend, or maybe he goes and talks to the girl that’s down the street, or in the mall, or at the grocery store, or at his country club or yacht club. Or the cute waitress or the cute bartender that’s batting her eyelashes at him. You focus on your outcome, and you don’t stop until you get it. And then once you get it, you do the things to maintain it. Because what you do to get her is what you do to keep her.
Surprisingly she hasn’t ghosted me since, but her texts have declined to the point of days later.
What does that show? If a woman is waiting several days to contact you back, when a woman waits more than 24 hours to contact you back, it shows she’s just not feeling it, she’s not interested in it. And you’re about as important to her as the gum stuck to the bottom of her shoe, which she’s probably trying to get off the bottom of her shoe and get rid of.
I followed up about another date 2 times and she mentioned she had caught Covid, and since then, she has been deflecting me a bit with excuses of having lingering Covid symptoms and exhaustion.
So, this tells me that he’s probably continuing to text, “Hey, are you better yet? Are you better yet? Do you feel better? Can we go out?”
I’ve thought about maybe seeing if she would be interested in hanging out one more time…
Dude, you’ve already tried. And what you’re ignoring is that if she really liked you and she wanted to see you, she would let you know when she’s better and she can see you. But she’s not doing that. She’s basically giving you the vibe of “leave me alone.” Never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs.
…and I would try to make an effort to escalate things since it would surely be my last chance.
Based on what? Doesn’t look like you really even had a chance. She was just like, “Hey, it’s nice to go out and get a cup of coffee,” but it doesn’t sound like she had much enthusiasm for hanging out, just like the first time she had no enthusiasm, two years ago.
Perhaps that is the piece I have been missing all along that is turning her off.
I would say that she’s really not that into you to begin with. Why would you want to hang out with somebody that’s like this? I know you like her, you’re attracted to her, but is the conversation fun? I mean, just imagine if you guys have been having sex all the time and then you’re sitting there, you have no sexual desire because you’ve had your fill. You had sex so much, you’re raw and you need a few days to grow the skin back. Are you going to have an interesting conversation with her? Do you want to hear what she has to say? Does she want to hear what you have to say? If the answer is no, that should tell you something important.
She did match with me a second time years later and reached out to me, so I feel maybe she has some attraction?
Just curious your thoughts, any input would be appreciated,
Well, just a fraction, but at the end of the day, if we bottom line her actions, she’s not trying to get together on a date. And so, if you’ve asked her out multiple times and she’s told, “no,” she’s sick, I would just do nothing in this case. You’ve done enough pursuing. Just let it be. I’d walk away and never look back at this point. You’ve tried multiple attempts to get together with her, and all she’s done is blow you off and put you off and, “Oh, I’m sick,” and give you no enthusiasm. And since there’s no enthusiasm, I wouldn’t be enthusiastic about spending time with somebody who has zero enthusiasm for you.
You want somebody that matches and mirrors your enthusiasm, and it’s not there. Therefore, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. Just like the girl in the first email removed her attention, because she started paying attention to some other guy who was actually giving her attention and appreciating it. Notice how the the guy went from not caring and friend-zoning her to, “I’ve got to get her to be mine. How do I get her attention?” And you should do the same thing. If there is interest and there is attraction, she will reach out. And if not, you’ll never hear from her again. And then next time, if two years down the road, you’re on Tinder and you see her, I’d swipe it out of the way. Swipe left. You’re out of here, out! Go on down the road.
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