When To Fight For Your Relationship & When To Tap Out For Good

How to know when you can save your relationship & when it’s time to end it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who shares an update to the previous video newsletter titled, “Is She Unhealed, A Bad Communicator or Just Being Difficult On Purpose?” He reveals that he finally had enough of her passive aggressive behavior and stonewalling and finally broke up with her. He shares some epiphany’s he had. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “When To Fight For Your Relationship & When To Tap Out For Good.”

Well, this particular email is an update to a video newsletter I did a while back called, “Is She Unhealed, A Bad Communicator or Just Being Difficult On Purpose?” I think it was probably around, if I’m not mistaken. Maybe January of this year. I know I looked it up the other day and now I can’t remember, but I think this particular email is about six, seven months old since the last time I answered it. And so you can go and look over that, and watch that Video Newsletter.

And the guy was having a lot of difficulty. And if you’re looking for a long term, healthy relationship, if you want to have a family, and kids, you’re one of those crazy guys who wants to involve the state in your relationship and get married. Involving the state you got to make sure you’re making a good choice. Because 95% of your happiness or your misery is going to come from who you choose to spend your life with.

You want somebody who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, a good communicator, and most importantly, a girl who’s nice to you. And ideally, a girl who loves and respects her father. And the worse the relationship is with the father, the worse of a job the father did, the more of a beta male that the father happens to be. Typically, that correlates to a girl that’s more screwed up and difficult to be with.

Because again, you’re looking for easygoing, easy to get along with, and that’s just hard to find. It’s also not easy finding that in your friends as well. Character is destiny. And so we got to evaluate everybody in our lives based upon how they show up and their actions. So with that in mind, he sends us an update and tells us what’s going on.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I sent an email in a couple months back to which you did a video newsletter titled, “Is She Unhealed, A Bad Communicator or Just Being Difficult On Purpose?”

And some women are. They’re just going to be difficult on purpose just because they grew up with lots of chaos in their environment, parents not getting along, arguing. Maybe lying and/or cheating might have been going on, or they’re just full of drama and there’s always somebody in the family that’s got some weird, crazy shit going on, and then everybody gets involved in it.

I wanted to send an update. After about a year and a half, I finally tapped out. I feel like I gave so much grace to the situation, as I believe in growth and that she would be able to notice her patterns.

As the old adage goes, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” And you’ve got to set and enforce healthy boundaries. If somebody is continually violating them, you set your boundary and they continue to violate it and they just won’t stop, your choices are, that you put up with it and therefore it continues. Or you end the situation and let them go, and make some other dude’s life miserable who doesn’t know any better.

I would bring attention to them all the time, In order to shine light on the poor behavior. It never worked. 

Well, again, if the dad did not do a good job, this is not surprising. She doesn’t have any self-awareness and the ability to recognize her behavior as inappropriate or worse. I mean, the hotter she is, there’s always a dozen dudes willing to line up behind you and put up with the crap. They think, they’re going to be “different.” “This is the one for them.” Like, whatever. If some guy wants to deal with a difficult woman. Good luck. He’s going to need it.

But again, we want easygoing, easy to get along with. Not a boss girl, pain in the ass. You want a woman that brings peace into your life, not a woman that disturbs your peace. A woman that makes your dick hard. Not your life hard. And unfortunately, there’s a lot of women in this world that think it’s totally okay to constantly make the man in their life, make his life hard, instead of his dick.

There were so many instances where I would set boundaries when we were about to discuss something serious. I would say “if someone feels triggered during this, communicate that and we can take space, but I need to know we will come back and resolve this.” 

So she tended to be a hothead. In other words, she didn’t communicate like an adult. She’d get mad, she’d storm off and then hits a pause, basically in the relationship or, “okay, I’m going to punish you and let you suffer. And eventually I’ll be back. And when I feel like you suffered enough, then we can talk a little bit further.” In the meantime, you’re sitting there three, four days go by, a week, whatever.

And she’s stewing about it, or she doesn’t want to see or talk to you and nothing is advancing. And just imagine this is a microcosm. You’re not even married. I don’t even know if they live together or not. But I mean, imagine having kids with this person or you’re just trying to come to an agreement on which side of the family, where are you going to go for Christmas? Or Thanksgiving, or somebody’s Birthday. And then you end up arguing about this. And she storms off again. Easygoing, easy to get along with. Does not look like how this woman behaves.

Almost every single time this happened, she would end the conversation mid talk, get up and storm off. 

And go throw a temper tantrum. Because that’s what her family modeled for her. So to her that’s normal. She’s been emotionally anchored and conditioned. She’s probably seen that pattern play out thousands and thousands of times in her family between her parents or whoever raised her. So she thinks that’s normal. To sit down and talk things out; she never saw that. It wasn’t modeled for her. That’s why she’s not capable of it.

And even though you’re trying to have that with her, she’s just not going to do it because, again, she’s emotionally anchored to dysfunctional ways of showing up. This is what she learned from her family. And it’s nice that you got The Blue Book, even if you read it 10 or 15 times. But you’re not going to fix this if the other person is unwilling to comply. Because the other side gets a vote, and if she doesn’t want to make things easygoing, easy to get along with because she’s never seen it. She doesn’t know what that looks like.

She doesn’t know what the vibe is. It was never modeled for, and all she sees in her family is drama and chaos. Well, she’s going to bring that drama and chaos into your life. It’s not your fault. You didn’t make her this way. It was her family that did this to her. You have to evaluate whether or not you can work with her. In other words, she’s open to listening to you, open to changing her approach, open to being reasonable, open to talking things out. Because you can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them.

And every time she gets triggered or something’s uncomfortable, she’s just going to storm off like he says. It’s like that’s a non-starter. You can’t work with that. She’s just not going to let it be any other way. And she’s most likely going to resonate with a dude who probably came from the same kind of environment, and they can just both make each other miserable. It’s not a fun way to live. Being with a woman that behaves that way is going to shorten your life, because eventually you just. Why would you want to work out?

You come home every night and your girl is being a pain in the ass or being difficult. This is why guys are, “like happy wife, happy life.” They just give up. They’re like, “whatever you want. Whatever you want honey.” They just don’t want to piss her off. “I don’t want to piss my wife off.” And then she’s still a tyrant. And then, you know, they’re just like a beat down dog after that. And they don’t do anything to shape and change their reality. They just continue putting up with it.

Till finally she continued to provoke me and left me at home again for two weeks.

So I guess they were living together. So can you imagine being in a relationship with somebody for a couple of years, and every time your girl gets mad, she storms off for weeks at a time, stays with family or whatever, and gives you the silent treatment. It’s like, that is abusive. That’s emotionally abusive. It’s mentally abusive. It’s verbally abusive. It’s not okay. It’s not healthy. God. Brutal.

Till finally she continued to provoke me and left me at home again for 2 weeks before I finally packed all her stuff up, as she would previously just leave it at my place and say she was going to come get it on her time. I dropped all of her stuff on her mom’s front yard and drove away.

You know, you could just feel for this guy a year and a half of putting up with this shit, and it’s like leaving it in her mom’s front yard and driving away. He’s like, “Hasta la vista, baby.” “I’m riding off into the sunset.” You know, it feels very satisfying. Obviously, deep down it still hurts because you try to do everything you could, but the other person is just not willing to be a good tango partner.

You can dance, and you can do the tango and have a shitty partner that steps all over your feet or is uncoordinated or just sucks at it. Or you can find somebody that’s really fun to tango with. And this girl was just not fun at all. I mean, imagine being in a relationship like that. A week two weeks go by and you’re like, “where’s my girlfriend? What’s she doing? I haven’t heard anything.”

Your friends are like, “where’s your girl?” “Oh, she’s mad at me. We’re not talking. She said her parents house.” It’s like, “oh, boy, that sounds really fun! Wow, Bob. I really wish I had the kind of relationship that you had. Really, that sounds like so much fun.” That’s half a month. Two weeks, half a month. And you’re sitting around at home with your thumb up your ass. “Well, is today going to be the day she cools off and comes back?”

All of her family has been supportive of me and understand she’s being petty and stubborn. I just wanted to share for people out there dealing with the same thing, that patience can only go so far before we need to hold our own self-worth up, and take care of us. 

Thank you again for everything you teach.

Bob

Well, dude, you deserve a medal. Because again, if you guys go back and look at the original email from earlier in the year, The one I did previously. You’ll see why this dude’s, he’s a saint for putting up with this. That original video newsletter was, “is she unhealed, a bad communicator or just being difficult on purpose? And it’s like all of the above. I remember, like when I was going through the video again, I was looking at The Article on the Website and it’s like, she was all the above. You can’t work with that. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes.

And the fact that he put up with it for a year and a half, it’s like, man, you deserve a medal. But you did the right thing. And man, it must have been satisfying to just drop all that shit off at her mom’s place. And now she gets to deal with the reality that the problem is, if she’s really hot and she’s still fairly young, there’ll be ten other dudes that’ll be willing to put up with that, thinking they can work with it before she drives them crazy and drives them away, and eventually she just becomes a miserable cat lady.

It’s like you just can’t treat men this way and abuse them. Normal guys guy especially 3% dudes are just not going to put up with this. So kudos to you. So obviously there’s no way you’re going to fix that. It’s just it’s not your job to fix her or to save her. Remember, as Jim Rohn said, the late, great Jim Rohn, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.”

Well, he was doing his part, but she not only was she not doing hers, she was unwilling to make any changes because, again, probably there’s so many dudes around her or in her life or that she’s seen over the course of her life. “Oh, I’ll just get another man. The next one, maybe the next one will be the one.” And he’ll put up with it. It’s like, “No. Not going to happen, Sweetheart.”

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