When To Give Her More Of Your Time & Attention & When To Back Off

How to know when to give her more of your time & attention & when to back off.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is confused on when to move forward and when to back off with women. He brings up something from page 154 in 3% Man, about what to do and how to respond when women start initiating contact after dates.

When you should make the next date and when you should back off to prevent over pursuing. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who says he’s confused on when to move forward, when to move back, and he brings up something from page 154 in 3% Man about what to do and how to respond when women start initiating contact after dates. He’s worried about over-pursuing, so let’s see what his concern is so we can address it.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

First of all thanks for all your information, you have truly changed my dating life for the better! I just have one question, you say after the 2nd or 3rd date she will usually contact you in between dates and you should use that opportunity to set up the next date. Therefore, the frequency of seeing each other goes up by her reaching out to you. 

But on page 154 in your book you say that no matter what no to see her more than once a week in the first 60 days?

That’s not what I actually said in the book. He quotes from the book. I believe he’s quoted properly, but when you look at the quote and what he’s saying, the quote says opposite of it. So the idea is that as men, we want to take measured steps when we’re dating and courting women. Way too many guys, I would say the majority of men, are 97% of the dudes out there, call too much, text too much, communicate their interest too much, they come off as needy, smothering. They’re often trying to lock a girl down to a commitment, so you have to understand like, for us guys, we tend to be visual. We see a girl like, “That’s the one I want,” but with women, it’s less so. Women have more of the attitude of, “Hey, do I like this guy? Is he good for me? Let’s see how it goes.” It takes time for women to fall in love, and it takes time for them to fall out of love. So them falling in love is a process.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So what you’re trying to do, and what the book is explaining, is you’re trying to go slightly slower in the courtship than she is, because what happens is over the first several weeks, usually because most women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date, and usually after you become intimate like that, within a couple of days of your last date, she’s going to text you, she’s going to call you, she’s going to FaceTime you or whatever. Then you just assume, like the book says, if she’s reaching out to you, it’s probably because she wants to see you and make the next date.

Now, most of the time, women are going to call you or text you a few days later and go, “Hey, that last date went so well. I want you to take me out again.” They almost never say that. Usually they just reach out and they’re like, “Hey,” or they send you a meme, or they just call you to see how you’re doing or what you’re up to, but they’re not going to ask you out because we’re supposed to pursue, but what women do when they like us is they reach out and get in contact and present themselves on a platter, in essence, and basically say, “You should know what to do. Ask me on a date.” Make a date, create an opportunity for sex to happen. So you’re supposed to understand what that means.

As the book says, you’re going to take measured steps. You are only going to reach out once per week to set a date. Then what happens is two to three weeks in, typically they reach out or they start reaching out within two to three days or one to three days of your previous date. When that starts to happen, then you can actually back off in your pursuit. If you think about it, from this perspective, say for the first two weeks, you reach out, you set a date, you go out, you hang out, you have fun, you hook up. Maybe you just kissed a little bit on the first date, heavy petting, you send her on your way or her way. Then the next week, you reach out and then you make a date. Things progress a lot further, and then maybe you hook up on the second date. Then what you’re going to notice is your intention is, like the book says, is to wait until the following week to reach out once and then make one more date.

So it’s just one date per week that’s initiated by you is what you’re going to do. Then as her interest goes up and then she starts reaching out to you, then you can just use it as an opportunity to set the next date. What happens is, you get three weeks in, four weeks in, and then the girl’s reaching out every couple of days, sometimes every day or every other day. Then when that’s starting to happen, it’s actually counterproductive for you to continue reaching out once per week, because if you were only reaching out once per week and making one date per week, and then you go out, you have your one date of this week, and then the very next day or two days from now, you had a date last night, and then maybe this evening she reaches out and says, “Yesterday was wonderful. It was amazing. It was one of the best dates I’ve ever had,” or whatever, and you just say, “Me too. I’d love to see you again. What’s your schedule like?” “Well, I’m available Friday.” I’d be like, “Great, let’s get together Friday. I’ll pick you up at seven. Wear something casual. We’re going to do something a little sporty outside.” Maybe you’re going to take her to a Top Golf or something like that, something that’s physical and fun.

So now you’re going to end up seeing her two times, and she was the one that initiated contact, just to tell you that she had a good time in the previous day. As the book teaches, you’re just going to assume the real reason she’s reaching out is because she wants to see you again, but again, women don’t ask you out. They’ll just get in contact and hope that you want to see them. They’re trying to make it easy for you to see them again and more often. So you should be able to pick up on that and recognize, “Oh, she’s reaching out because she wants to see me.” So when that starts happening, if she’s reaching out two or three times a week, after week two or three, then at that point there’s no reason for you to reach out because you’re going to be talking to her every couple of days. Therefore, since she’s reaching out to you and you’re making dates, it’s her idea that you don’t have to worry about going too fast, over-pursuing, calling or texting too much. It’s a pretty simple process.

It’s true that it’s our job to pursue in the beginning, but it’s really just to kind of get the snowball rolling down the hill, then the momentum kind of carries it, and then you can just back off and wait to hear from him. By the time you get four weeks, five weeks, six weeks, seven weeks in, she’s going to be in contact with you usually just about every day and sometimes multiple times a day. If you’re hearing from a girl constantly, you don’t even have to go out on an official date. If she’s reaching out, she’s like, “Hey, what are you doing?” It’s like, say 8:00, 9:00, 10:00 at night, “Hey, how are you?” Just say, “Come over.” You don’t have to take her out on an official date. What is a date? As the book says, it’s an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. It could be an official date. It could mean going out. It could mean her coming over to make dinner together. It could mean just her coming over late at night for a booty call. Once you guys are already dating and going out, if you took her out on a nice date Friday night and she stayed over Friday, and you hung out all Saturday, and then she left Sunday morning, and now it’s Tuesday and she’s reaching out, maybe it’s 9:00 at night, I just say, “Come over,” and you can hang out, have fun and hook up. You both get up. She goes her way Wednesday morning. You go your way Wednesday morning, and then maybe Thursday she reaches out again. You assume she wants to see you and say, “What’s your schedule like this weekend?” “Oh, I’m wide open.” Or “Friday night, I’m available,” and say, “Let’s get together Friday.” Make a date. That’s how it works. That’s the process.

Again, you’re just trying to go slightly slower than she is. So here’s the quote, and he says this is from the book. Again I haven’t proofed it. Maybe you guys can fact check me in the comments, but I assume this is what the book says off the top of my head.

Quote:

“Just remember: In the first 60 days, you want to stay off the phone, even if she is calling you. When she calls you, take the opportunity to make another date with her.”

So what that is talking about is that this is where a lot of guys go wrong, “Oh, she’s calling me. Let me just sit on the phone for two hours and chit-chat.” What ends up happening is you tell her everything that’s going on in your week. Anybody that’s in sales knows this instinctively because it’s part of your training. That’s why people that have a background in sales do really well with my book, because it lines up with the prospecting techniques they’re taught in sales. So instead of chit-chatting on the phone, recognize that she’s reaching out, probably because she wants to see you again. So make the date and get off the phone, because if you start to spend more and more time as the weeks go by chit-chatting on the phone and then you’re like, “I must go out once per week,” what you’ll notice is that you’re talking every day, an hour or two, and then when you try to set a date for the week and she’s telling you how busy she is, what ends up happening? A lot of guys do well off out of the gate, and then they’re chit-chatting constantly on the phone, or they’re texting all throughout the day, and then all of a sudden the woman stops texting, then the guy freaks out and then really starts chasing and pursuing. So it’s better if you just use the phone for setting dates and not trying to get to know somebody.

That’s why the book is written this way, because this is what most guys do. They think, “Oh, she’s reaching out to me. She must want to talk to me.” So they sit on the phone for two hours trying to get her to like them more, when in reality you recognize she’s reaching out. “She probably wants to see me. Let’s make a date, and then get off the phone and I get back to what I was doing before she called.” That’s why it’s worded that way.

“Try to keep it to just one day a week, unless she starts saying, ‘I can’t wait. I want to see you tonight. I want you to come over.’ However, if you see her too much, too soon, she will back off. Then you need to do the same. If she does start calling you, no matter how many times she calls, you need to stick to the once a week rule. If she last called on Wednesday, don’t call her until Monday or Tuesday of the following week to ask her out. If she doesn’t seem as enthusiastic to see you, it is because her interest level is dropping. If she doesn’t accept your plans for a date, wait another week to ask her out.”

Could you elaborate on this? Because I have noticed that women ask for a lot of my time early in the dating process and that leads to them backing off, even if it’s their idea.

Kind regards,

Bob

I’m thinking you might be reading an old copy of the book. You might be reading the original one from 2006. It’s not been updated, so you should be reading the second edition, which is like this. We can open the second edition to the copyright page. What you’ll notice is it says 2013, 2016. So what that means is this was totally edited in 2013, personally by me as a second edition. Then when I was recording the audio-book in 2016, in the studio, I had a lot more content. Then Jennifer went through it and everything I added in the audio-book was added to the Kindle, the paperback and the hardcover version. So just the fact that you’re talking about interest level is dropping, that sounds like it’s probably the first edition of the book and not the second edition, so you need to check that. That’s why I’m saying I’m not sure that you actually pulled this from the right edition. You’re literally reading an edition from 20 years ago, which almost 20 years ago, which was when my first edition of the book was pretty much exclusively written by the ghostwriter. So you need to check on that.

Again, the idea, just like what I was talking about, is one day per week, one phone call per week. If she’s reaching out to you, then you assume she wants to see you when you make the next date. You’re usually not going to get rejected. A lot of times where guys make the mistake, it’s not necessarily a mistake, but say you go out on one date the first week, you don’t hear from her, then the second week you have a second date, then after the second date or during the second date, you hook up and then she starts calling you just about every day and say, you invite her over and she comes over another booty call. If she comes over two or three days in a row, you should expect a pullback. You should expect her enthusiasm to drop a little bit. Then what tends to trip guys up is they’re thinking, “Man, we just saw each other four days in a row this week, and now I haven’t heard from her in two or three days.” Then they start freaking out and then they start calling and texting. Now it happens that it went from her pursuing to now they’re pursuing, trying to force things along. Then they get into a situation where now she’s hard to get out on a date again.

So the fallback position is always the once per week rule. Say, after you had your second date that next week, that you had your second date, she comes over for the next three or four nights in a row and she’s texting you multiple times a day throughout the day. Then all of a sudden, after the fourth time that you saw her this week, you notice when she leaves that night or maybe the next morning, almost like she’s a little less interested, less enthusiastic, maybe even like she seems kind of bored, if you will. All it means is that women are like cats. They spend a lot of time around you, they get really familiar, then they want to go be present with their feelings. That’s why you let her be. In that case, when she disappears, when you had been talking and seeing each other every day for three or four days, and now all of a sudden three days have gone by, you don’t freak out and start calling her again and go, “What’s wrong? I haven’t heard from you. You seem upset with me. We need to get together. I got to confront her, Coach.” It just means you back off and you let her be.

The fall back is once a week. So if you haven’t heard from her in three or four days, I wouldn’t do anything, because you’re trying to stretch it out, because you want her to get to the point where she’s not sure of herself, because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So she backs off like that and your fallback is once a week. I would wait a full seven days, maybe eight days, just because you’re trying to leave enough space in there for her to start wondering and go, “Is he mad at me? Does he not like me anymore? Did he meet somebody else? Did I have bad breath? Did he get back together with his ex? What’s going on? Did he get hit by a bus?” Then she reaches out, so you’re trying to stretch it out. If seven, eight days go by and you haven’t heard from her, then you reach back out and try to set the next date, because when you first meet somebody you don’t know, especially you guys that exclusively like to lean on online dating, a lot of women, as soon as they have a breakup, they go right to online dating, and then they start hanging out, having fun and hooking up with new guys. Then usually the ex comes back in the picture.

So things are progressing for several weeks, and you spend a lot of time together. Then all of a sudden, she stops pursuing and she goes cold. Then when you do reach out, she’s unavailable or tells you how busy she is. Usually when that happens, you should assume probably some other dude from her past, or an ex, or Chad Thundercock, who she really liked and she was dating, then he blew her off, and she was kind of heartbroken over it and that’s when you first met her. Then a few weeks go by, Chad Thundercock comes back in the picture, and because she’s emotionally bonded to Chad Thundercock, she’s going to blow you off and go hang out with Chad. So you’re going to make your effort and you’re going to match and mirror her actions based upon how she’s showing up and her level of effort.

Again, it just goes back to once per week. Then if it gets to the point where you wait seven, eight days, you call her up, try to make another date, and then she’s telling you how busy she is and she can’t make it, or she’s unsure of her schedule, the bottom line is she’s not making herself available to you when before you saw her four times in one week. So you probably, in that case, should assume there’s another dude and just let it be. “Well, call me when you figure out your schedule.” Then I would wait and she says, “I will,” then I wouldn’t call or text her again for any reason, because you’re going to make it easy for her to follow through on her plans and commitments, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever. That’s the intent with this. It’s to create the conditions where she’s unsure of where she stands so she makes more of an effort to chase and pursue you. That is the logic behind this.

Again, I would check the edition of your book and make sure you’re reading one from 2013, because that was the second edition. Again, it has two dates in the book, 2013 and 2016. What that means is the second edition was published in 2013 and was updated once again in 2016 after I recorded in the studio, the second edition, and added a bunch of content. As I was reading it, things came to mind and I put it in there and when that was finished, Jennifer went through and updated all the copies of the book. So what’s in the book exactly matches the audio-book that was published in 2016. So that’s why those numbers are in there. If you’re on my website and you’re subscribed to the free email newsletter and the Members Area, it has the latest edition of the book there. So you can go and double check that just to make sure and all the links that are on my website of where you can purchase the book. Again, those links go to the latest edition of 3% Man.

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