When To Make Dates & When To Hang Back & Let Her Wonder

When you should make dates and when you should back off & let her wonder about you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who hooked up with a girl he met at a bar. When he tried setting the second date, she ghosted him.

The second email is from a guy who admitted he spent too much time talking and texting on the phone during the two months they’ve been dating. She backed off saying it was too much like a relationship. Now he’s unsure of what to do next. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

I actually got two different emails from two different viewers. First email is from a guy who hooked up with a girl he met at the bar, and then when he tried to set the second date, she ghosted him. The second email is from a guy who admitted he spent too much time talking and texting on the phone during the two months that they’d been dating. So now she’s backed off, saying it was too much like a relationship, and now he’s like, “What do I do now?”

It’s a good email to help kind of fine tune, when to text, when to reach out, what to say, what not to do so you don’t talk and text her out of liking you, which is a problem a lot of guys have, especially when they try to crack jokes over text with somebody that doesn’t understand their sense of humor and it doesn’t land, or they start trying to be cute and use sexual innuendo, and all they end up doing is turning the girl off. Just remember, the phone is for setting dates, not getting to know somebody, not for performing comedic routines, just simply to arrange the logistics of getting together for an actual date.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I have been following you on and off for around eight years. I’ve read the book 10 times and watched over 2,000 of your videos, but I still don’t know what went wrong here.

I met a girl at a bar and I spent the night at her place where we hooked up and according to her, she climaxed. She told me she was going out of town for the next week, so I waited until she was back and set up a definite date at her place. As I was leaving she said, “Next time, I’ll come to your place!” I replied, “Sure, let me know when you’re free.” 

The next day, she texted me, “I had a great time last night.” I replied, “Me too. So did you figure out when you’re free?” She replied two days later…

So she reaches out the next day to say she had a good time. I would have said, “Yeah, I did too. I’d love to see you again. When are you free to get together so we can make dinner at my place, like we discussed last night?” It is a little bit too much, too soon potentially. Maybe you wait a week and then reach out, but he did say she was going to be out of town, so I don’t know if it was the next week, but if you knew she was going out of town… OK, so he got the number and then she was out of town, so then he set a date up a week after. It is a good sign that she reaches out, said she had a good time. He tries to make a date and she doesn’t respond for two days. Then two days later, she says…

“…I’m sorry for not responding, I’m available next week.” I replied, “What day suits you?” She replied, “It depends on what we’re going to do.”

So I wouldn’t have phrased it, “What day suits you?” I would have said, “Well, what days and evenings are you available?” So she has to tell you because basically the way you phrased it, you’re asking her to make a choice. That almost sounds like, “Oh, my schedule’s wide open. I got nothing else going on. I’ll just wait to hear from you, Your Highness.” That’s one tweak I would have done a little better.

I replied, “How about we meet up at my place for some dinner?” She hasn’t responded for five days. 

Bob

So potentially, you know she’s never been to your place. That’s the thing. You went to her place for the first date, and now you’re just assuming she’s ready to come over to your place. I would have only invited her to your place once she’s been there, and you guys have hooked up at your place, but to meet her, then hook up with her and then expect her just to come to your place when she barely knows you? Probably I would assume you met her at a bar, both of you guys have been drinking. Maybe it’s a little rebound sex for you, you don’t really know, but I wouldn’t have led with inviting her over for dinner at your place, even though she mentions it.

So the key to making dinner at your place is you’re inviting her to make dinner together. “Hey, we should get together and make dinner,” not “Hey, come over to my house. I’ll entertain you and make dinner for you.” The reason why you do the dinner at your place and she helps you cook and prepare things is to facilitate physical interaction. So the seduction is easier to happen. So the fact she hasn’t responded for five days is not surprising. She already waited two days.

So typically, if you meet a girl and you have a one night stand, or you hook up and then she doesn’t and she leaves you hanging, well the sex couldn’t have been that good because typically, if a girl blows you off after you’ve had sex, that usually means the sex wasn’t very good. That’s usually what it means. There could be another guy in the picture. So this is why you got to have more than one woman that you’re talking to. She may have just been looking to get some strange and then after hooking up with you, she was over it and ready to move on. Other than that, it’s like tennis. You hit the ball over the net.

I know it’s been five days. I would just wait to hear from her. If she doesn’t reach out, then you can flush the number, because either she’s not interested in seeing you again, the sex was lousy, or she’s potentially talking to another guy. When a woman waits two days to reply, that shows they’re just not into you. So her interest is low. It could have been something you did or said on the date, but usually it’s when the sex sucks they don’t want to see you again. So if I was a betting man and I was like, “Where would I put my money on?” I’d say it was probably that.

So let’s go to the second guy’s email.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I’m very new to your work (Been following it for about three months, and really trying to apply it). I’ve been going out with a girl from a dating app for about two months. Super hot and heavy from the start. Sex on the first date followed by her inviting me to her place 2-4 times per week. Lots of sex, dates, and/or just hanging out.

Admittedly there was far too much texting going on between seeing each other, but she was initiating most of it so l stupidly thought it was fine.

Well, you gotta understand women have to have time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, to be unsure of where they stand with you. So obviously, the first emailer was pretty clear he liked her and wanted to see her again. He may have communicated also that he was way more into her than she was into him, and that might have been a reason for the pullback. If it wasn’t the sex or it was a booty call for a couple times, it was a fun hookup for a couple of times, but maybe she’s not really feeling it. At the end of the day, she’s not excited about getting together again. I’m talking about the first emailer.

On Friday, she was blowing up my phone with sexual texts, telling me how much she enjoyed the night before, and even said that she was “Playing with herself” while thinking about me.

So I would assume the second emailer, the girl definitely enjoyed having sex with him more than the first guy’s email. The girl enjoyed having sex with that dude just by the way she talks about it.

The very next night she calls me and tells me, “This is feeling too much like a relationship” and that she, “Just got out of a two-year marriage in May and isn’t ready for another committed relationship yet.” She said she, “Didn’t expect to like me so much when we met” and wants to know what I’m looking for.

I told her, “l’m just focused on spending time together and taking it one day at a time,” and that, “l’m not concerned with labels or any kind of pressure.”

She also could have just said, “Well, I like you, but we just met and I’m not at a point where I’m ready to commit to a relationship or anything like that. I mean, we’ve hung out twice.” Did he really say how many times? So he says he’s been hanging out with her two to four times a week, but it almost sounds like this is what was going on right when they first met. So I’m a little confused by this. So it’s helpful if you kind of write things out in chronological order of what happens. At the end of the day, when a woman says, “This is feeling too much like a relationship,” it’s typically because you’re coming on too strong, and you’re communicating that you’re way more into her than she’s into you. She knows that you really, really super duper like her. Plus, she’s right out of a marriage, a two-year marriage, that blew up in May, so literally a couple months after that.

So a woman like this, again I talk about in the book, you should expect a pullback. You should expect her to be kind of hot and cold because again, she’s fresh out of a marriage. So she just got out of a two-year marriage, she’s probably right in the middle of a divorce. Maybe she’s filed, maybe the ex, because more than likely, women file 75% of the time. They’re usually the ones to end it. So more often than not, the guy is wanting to get back in the picture. So in that case, that’s why you really got to back off. You really got to let women in these situations do most, if not, all the calling, texting, and pursuing, because if you pursue too much and you apply too much pressure, especially if you start acting dopey and you’re super serious about her, you’ll hear something like what she said about how she’s not ready for another committed relationship, but her response to what he said was pretty good the way he worded things. I’ll read it again.

She said she was very glad to hear me say that, and that I had a, “Very mature attitude.”

So that’s a good sign, but what she’s basically saying to you, because women help you when they like you, is she’s pumping the brakes a little bit. She’s like, “Slow your roll,” because she is clearly getting the vibe that he’s a little too eager, a little too serious about the relationship.

Ocean just hopped on my lap and she was around a bunch of cats, so it’s like I can always tell right away.

We had a two text exchange after the phone call, where she thanked me for having that conversation with her. I don’t think I’ve done anything too egregious, and I suspect she’ll hit me up at some point. But I’m feeling a lot of pain in the space without her, and your work has really helped me screw my head on straight again. When she comes back, I’m going to follow your book and lead like a better man. 

Bob

So when a woman does this, it’s not like a permanent state of being. Typically, it just means she’s got to get the gift of missing you. So she’s basically saying it’s moving too fast. So that’s why the best medicine, especially when she’s right out of a marriage of two years, literally months and weeks out of it, if the divorce is contentious, if there’s kids involved, “Hey, no pressure. Just hit me up when you’re available.” That should be your kind of mindset.

So at this point, I would just wait to hear from her, and when she does reach out, you’re like, “Hey, you! It’s great to hear from you. I want to see you. What’s your schedule like?” And then make the next date. Don’t talk about your future together. Don’t talk about a relationship or a commitment or anything like that. Just hang out, have fun and hook up, and when she misses you and she’s available, she’s going to reach out. Never, ever pressure a woman in this situation, because if you do, she’s going to bounce on you or friend-zone you.

So I would say more than likely though, that in the second email, this particular woman, probably a few days or a week or two, she’ll be back and her enthusiasm will be back up as well. You’ll hear it in her voice, but this is the hard thing. Like you said, it’s hard because just the fact that he says, “I’m feeling a lot of pain in this space without her,” that’s why she pulled back, because she could tell he really likes her and in his mind, he’s kind of already decided that this is the girl he wants, but she just got out of a two-year marriage. That’s why she’s saying, “Slow the fuck down.”

So as long as he exercises self-control and chills out, bites his nails, puts a tack in his shoe, whatever he’s got to do to endure not hearing from her and not hanging out, then when she does reach out, he just makes the next date because the danger comes in when you really care a lot and you really like a girl, you’re going to fall under what I call the illusion of action that I discussed in 3% Man, and you’re going to want to reach out. If you haven’t heard from her a few days, he’s going to be thinking, “Oh, did I screw up? Am I never going to hear from her again? Did she meet somebody else?” Then they start looking for reasons to reach out, to try to find out where they stand. So when a woman has basically said, “Hey, this feels too much like a relationship,” and the fact that he’s feeling a lot of pain in this space without her, he’s already attached. I’m sure he communicated that to her and she could feel it, and that’s why she backed off. So it’s totally understandable.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and it’s obvious that he’s made his feelings too clear, but he did have the right response when he said he was just focused on spending time together, taking it one day at a time, and he wasn’t concerned with labels or any kind of pressure. So that’s what she wanted to hear. The worst thing you can do is get upset.

So it’s very easy, like where you’re at, this is why, especially as you’re learning this and when you’re dating a woman you really like, which it’s clear he obviously does, if he had two or three other girls he was talking to, seeing or at various stages of meeting, dating and seducing her, then he’s going to be less inclined to smother this girl and call too much, text too much. Again, he said in the beginning he spent too much time on the phone talking and texting. So just that in and of itself that he was very present for her and has given her a shit ton of attention, it was too much attention, and he was probably starting to treat her like a girlfriend, because he was assuming that’s where it was going to go. Then she pumped the brakes and backed off a little bit.

So all he is going to do is just wait to hear from her and make the next date. So it doesn’t look like he did anything to really blow it, but you can definitely tell from both emails the first girl is just not that into that guy at all and the second email, she’s into him, but he’s come on a little too strong. So he just needs to hang back, chill out, wait to hear from her, and when he does make the next date, hang out, have fun and hook up. Makes it really easy.

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