When To Use Indifference To Grow Attraction & Respect

How to use indifference when dating to grow attraction & respect.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 50-year-old viewer who chased away a woman he was dating a few years ago because he became needy, whiny and too soft. After two-and-a-half years of no-contact, she finally reached out again. They’ve been hooking up but she often doesn’t like to make plans and just seems to reach out to come over for a booty call.

He’s unsure of when to use indifference because he’s frustrated she is difficult to pin down for dates. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a 50-year-old viewer. He says he’s been following me for about five years now. Previously, I guess around 2020, 2021, somewhere in that time frame, he was dating a woman for about a year or so, and he basically said that he became really needy, whiny, too soft, and basically she dumped him. So he went into no-contact, and obviously after that found out about my work, started applying what was in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back because there was just nothing else to do at that point, because she didn’t want to be with him. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you.

So after about two-and-a-half years or so, I guess recently, she’s come back and they’ve been hooking up, but one of the issues he’s having is like he tries to make plans to make dates and she’s just real non-committal, says he’s pushy if he tries to set definite plans, but she likes to just spontaneously call him or text him and say, “Hey, what are you doing? Want some company?” Then she comes over and sometimes she stays for two or three days, and it’s kind of like a booty call. So he’s kind of unsure of when to be indifferent to that, when to, in other words, just let her be like a cat, to use a takeaway or to set boundaries, because he’s getting obviously frustrated that she’s too difficult to pin down for dates.

So the thing that jumps out at me right away is she’s kind of behaving like a booty call, really. So if she’s pursuing and reaching out, because obviously, if you’re following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, she should do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, and then you just set dates. As 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, the first three dates need to be at your place. As long as she comes over three dates in a row and you hook up all three dates in a row, then you can start meeting around, picking her up, taking her out on dates and stuff like that, but you still got to let her do all the pursuing because he basically chased her out of his life. So she remembers the way he used to be, so it’s really important you got to let women come to you at at their pace.

A lot of guys make mistakes when they’re in this situation, and the girl comes back after a period of time and they let her reach out the first one or two times, and then they just start the pursuit all over again. Then what happens is the weeks go by, she starts becoming more difficult and non-committal about making dates. Then usually what happens is they basically go right back to the same behavior that got them dumped the first time around.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I am 50 years old and have been following your work for about five years now after a difficult breakup with a woman I was with for about a year back in 2020. I became a needy, whiny, way too available little bitch that constantly needed her validation and went out of my way to please her and see her too much.

So you basically just communicated that you acted like a woman too much and that you were unattractive, and your actions and your words just basically communicated you didn’t feel like or believe you deserved to be there, and eventually that’s how she felt. Women like you way more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. When you communicate the other way, it gets in the way of their feelings growing for you. Women have to have time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you for their feelings and their attraction for you to grow.

Knowing what I do now it was bad LOL. I pushed her away and into the arms of a waiting orbiter.

I think every dude has been there, my man. So you’re in good company, and I’m sure the guys are that have will be happy to acknowledge that in the comments.

After applying no-contact and your teachings in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, it has lead to her reaching out after two-and-a-half years and us hanging out and hooking up once again. I have the audible version of the book and have listened to it multiple times and still do when I can. I was hoping you could elaborate further on the subject of indifference and passing tests vs. setting boundaries and standing your ground please.

Since we have reconnected, she does 90% of the texting and reaching out, so all I do is reply mostly.

Well again, because she blew you off, she fucked it up, she’s gotta fix it. She should be doing 100% of the reaching out and you should just be making dates, but you’re still having a hard time exercising self control, and in this kind of a situation, 10% is you shouldn’t be doing any. She should be doing all of the reaching out. There’s just no reason because again, once you start doing that, then if she becomes a little distant or she acts like a cat, especially if you were always acting needy, clingy, whiny, desperate and over-pursuing, it doesn’t take much to cause her to feel that same vibe towards you. Then what’s going to happen is she’ll pull back, and then it’s going to take you longer before you can see her the next time. This way, because again, she fucked it up, she’s got to fix it. That’s why when this has happened, she’s got to do all the reaching out, and then you just wait to hear from her and set dates. It’s actually counterproductive.

I would say that’s probably part of the reason why you’re having some difficulty getting her, pinning her down to dates. I would have to say that just looking at her behavior, is that you’re still doing and saying things that are unattractive, and that causes her to back off. Especially when you had that history with her, and you’re emotionally invested, it’s hard to do more things than right. It’s hard to follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, and I know with what’s in the book and what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, guys are not going to follow that to a T, they’re not going to listen to me and do exactly what I say. They’re going to do a certain percentage, and the more they follow what I teach, the better the results are going to be. The more they stray from that, the less the results are going to be. In other words, the results are going to be less than desirable.

I know it’s hard, and I know I’m harsh, but I’m not here to blow sunshine up your butt. I’m here to tell you like it is and torch your ass if it’s necessary to wake you up and get you to change your behavior, because masculine energy grows through challenge. After all, we’re not a bunch of chicks here. Feminine energy grows through praise and most people have too many people blowing sunshine up their butt and telling them, “Oh, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Just tell her how much you like her and your feelings,” and all this other nonsense.

She texts me a few times a day and I focus on keeping the texting to a minimal. After about 10 weeks of reconnecting, she has told me she has fallen in love with me and she regrets us ever splitting up.

Well, it’s nice that she says she’s in love with you, but she doesn’t seem to be very flexible or easygoing. Especially if you’re having a hard time making dates.

She tells her co-workers she believes I was/am “the one,” and even speaks often of us moving in together and brought up marriage a few times. She seems to be really into me and on her days off she comes to my place and stays for a couple days almost every week. However, it’s difficult to get her to commit to definite plans to hang out even with the take-away, it’s typically her texting me, “What are you doing right now? Do you want company?”

So if she’s going to reach out and do that, if you’re available, just say, “Yeah, get your cute little ass over here.” If that’s the way she wants to operate, you’re not supposed to be reaching out to her anyways. If you’re reaching out and you’re trying to set definite dates, it’s not her idea. Like I said, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says she fucked it up. She ended it. She unilaterally changed the terms of your relationship and said, “I don’t want to see you anymore” or “I want to stick you in friend-zone. Let’s just have something platonic.” If that’s not what you want, you’re not going to agree to it. She has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around.

The fact that he’s still texting 10%, it’s too much. I would say that’s definitely a contributing factor here, because it’s not 100% her idea to get in touch with you. That’s why if she’s reaching out, asking to come by, it’s easy for her to come by, but if you’re texting or trying to set an official date, again if she’s trying to earn you back, there’s no reason for you to do that. It’s actually counterproductive.

Or something else spontaneous and it’s usually late, so I tell her to come over.

Yeah, if a woman’s texting you after 8:00 or 9:00 at night or later and she says, “What are you doing?” Just say, “Come over.” That’s all you gotta do. She’s down for a booty call. She wants the bodies to start slapping with the horizontal bop.

I’m wondering if I should show indifference about her coming over without set plans ever or if I should stand my ground and insist on definite dates/plans being set.

Well again, if she’s earning another chance with you, then it really shouldn’t matter. Again, like I said, it looks like you’re reaching out to try to set official dates here, and she’s not doing it. So you’re not really following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. I mean, I perfected this stuff way back in the day two-and-a-half decades ago, when I was struggling with this stuff, and I’ve had 20 years of teaching this to millions of men all over the world, from every spiritual and cultural background. So I know what works, I know what doesn’t works.

What’s laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, it’s going to give you the best possible chances for success. Like I said in the beginning of the video, the more you stray from that, the more you try to cherry-pick, the more you have a hard time exercising self control and you go against it. That’s why you’re kind of spinning your wheels. So I mean, she’s making it easy. Again, she should be doing all the reaching out and you should just be inviting her over. If she wants to come over and treat it like a booty call, assume it’s like a booty call.

I’m confused on when to play it cool and project being unbothered vs. setting boundaries and bringing it up.

Again, this is not really important. You should be letting her do 100% of the reaching out and you just make dates. If it’s at night and she likes to just come over for booty calls unannounced, if you’re available, invite her over. If you’re not, just say, “I can’t tonight, but how about tomorrow or this weekend?”

So typically, if she comes over for a booty call and stays two or three days, then you can just take her on official dates and go do things outside the house and then come back, and then she stays with you. So when she reaches out, it’s like a two or three day long date. So you can have your official dates because she’ll be with you. It’s like, “Hey, let’s go eat,” “Hey, let’s go to dinner” or “Hey, let’s go to Topgolf” or whatever. “Let’s go have some fun. Let’s go throw some darts, shoot some pool,” whatever it happens to be. “Let’s go to the beach.”

So make your official dates when she’s there in person, because again, she should be doing all the reaching out. If you’re running into resistance, again you’re pursuing her still, which you should not be doing.

I hate the whole “Maybe” or “We will see what the day brings…”

When a woman says, “Maybe” or “We’ll see,” probably what’s happening when you’re reaching out to her, she says “Uh, maybe. We’ll see,” it’s not her idea. So that means no.

…Answers to hanging out, but I think that may just be a test to see if I get impatient and pissy about her possibly not coming (Which she typically ends up coming anyway 90% of the time, it’s as if it just has to be her idea to do so). 

Well, the other thing you got to remember is she blew you off two-and-a-half years ago because you were acting like a whiny bitch. So she remembers all that behavior. That’s why she’s going to do things that used to send you into orbit in the past. So now when she does it, you just be totally indifferent to it. Instead of trying to set official dates, just let her reach out, invite her over, have your booty call and you know she’s going to stick around.

I would assume by this point, she’s probably got extra clothes, shoes and shit in your closet, makeup brushes and everything else in your bathroom. So it really shouldn’t be a big deal. Go with the flow. She’s supposed to be making things really great for you to earn another chance with you, not the other way around.

I have noticed her not being as excited as usual the past couple of weeks to hang out.

Because again, you’re still reaching out. You’re going against what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you. When you’ve chased somebody out of your life to the point where they don’t want anything to do with you and you didn’t hear from them for two-and-a-half years, you have to let them come to you at their pace.

So what’s happening? Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So what’s happening is you’re not letting that space exist where she doesn’t hear from you, and then her feelings bubble up and then she comes back even harder. So you’re getting in the way of her really truly, falling, deeply head over heels in love with you and submitting to you fully because you’re still trying to force things. You’re still trying to get her to do what you want and spend more time with you, but if you just let her come to you at her pace, she’s going to be stuck to you like white on rice and should be over all the time.

So even though she says she’s in love, she’s not acting like it. Again, the chapter, It’s All In The Numbers, in the book, you can go through that and line up the things she’s doing and saying to tell what her true interest is. I’d probably say her interest is a seven or an eight maybe. Even though she says she’s in love, she doesn’t treat you like it.

I tried to correct this by pulling back a bit on the texting and attempting to set a definite plan instead of whenever we do basically, but she claims it’s as if I’m being “pushy ” by insisting on a definite day/time to hang out rather just go with the flow.

Because again, it’s not her idea. I mentioned this, I believe it’s in the book as well with one of my girlfriends. Again, it’s like 25 years ago. We were sitting in her driveway and I was dropping her off, and she just looked at me and I said, “Man, it seems like it was yesterday,” and she says, “Corey, you have to let me come to you. Stop trying to force things.” Even her mother pulled me aside and told me the same exact things, because she was sharing with her mother what I was doing, and her mother pulled me aside because she loved me. I was part of the family by that point, and she told me that just you gotta let her come to you. It’s like, don’t try to force it.

As a matter of fact, she told me to blow her off, not call her back, sometimes, cancel plans on her, jerk her around a little bit. I didn’t really do those kinds of things that way. I didn’t blow off plans or whatever, but I understood that I just needed to stop all forward movement and let her reach out because I had gotten friend-zoned at one point and I was letting her come back, but I wasn’t letting her come back all the way. I was still starting to reach out and pursue, to try to speed things up, and I’d get a little more excited thinking things are going to really progress, and then I get a pull back from her. So when I just let her do all the reaching out and all the initiating, it drove her up a wall in a good way. It made her get obsessed over me. Then she was just all over me, staying over every night and we became a family really quick.

So you’re kind of in the same place that I was back then, and you’re not really fully embracing what’s in the book yet.

I don’t want to appear desperate, pushy or needy to see her by insisting on making a definite plan but I also don’t want her to feel as if I’m too available either.

Well, think about it from this perspective: If she’s earning another chance with you, you’re not calling her, you’re not reaching out to her, you’re not doing anything when she really misses you, and it’s bothering her that she hasn’t heard from you, doesn’t know what you’re doing. Especially when she realizes you’re not reaching out at all anymore, then she’ll reach out, and when she reaches out, it’s her idea. So that’s why when you make plans, when she reaches out, she’ll be happy to see you.

Again, if it’s at night, 7:00, 8:00 at night, just say, “Come over.” You don’t have to worry about a date. You know that she’s going to probably stay for two or three days or two or three nights. You could take her out on an official date the next day because she’s going to be with you anyways. Then you can just say, hey, let’s go eat, let’s go do this, let’s go do that and just leader and then eventually lead her back to the bedroom.

Should I be calm and unbothered to project emotional strength or should I stand my ground firm and set boundaries to project leadership?

Again, you don’t need to do any of that because you’re not really 100% embracing what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back teaches. You’re still trying to pursue. So you’re getting in the way of her really deeply falling head over heels in love with you and obsessing over you to the point where she’s going to want to be with you just about every night of the week, and not just two to three nights on the weekends or whatever when she’s off. She’ll even come over. You know, maybe it’s 1:00 in the morning. I don’t know what she does for a living, but maybe she gets off late sometimes and just she’ll have a key at some point. She can just text and say, “Hey, I’m coming over. I’m on the way.” So let her be the one to win you over.

I thank you in advance for your valuable time and wisdom on this matter. 

Bob

So it’s a really easy thing to do. Just embrace 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back fully. If this is the way she operates, she’s just like, “Hey, can I come over” or “Hey, what are you doing?” Just invite her over. Worry about the official dates, take her out on an official date the next day, or the day after that, or whatever. Hang out, have fun and hook up, my man.

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