When Your Relationship Is Over & You’re The Last One To Notice

Recognizing when your relationship is over and they have already moved on when you don’t even realize it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got ghosted by his girlfriend of 3 years after reading 3% Man several times 8 years ago. He claims he’s always great with the ladies and never gets dumped… Until now. However, he stopped dating and courting her properly after the 1st year of dating. The sex stopped when he uprooted his life and moved in with his mom to help out his grandmother and uncle with financial assistance, but he says they stayed together though all of this until she dumped him in December 2022.

He says they have been dating for the past 6 months, and she has done all the pursuing, but from his email it seems as though his relationship has been over for a long time and he is just the last one to notice it. Her words show that he was over pursuing and smothering her and chasing her out of his life, despite his claims that she has been doing all the pursuing. He’s been living in an alternate reality. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

What’s amusing to me about these emails is that when you understand women, when you understand the things that are in 3% Man, it doesn’t matter where in the world the guy is or where the girl is from or the cultural or spiritual background, there are very specific things that women say when men are turning them off and it’s just global. It doesn’t matter.

Language barriers, it’s like they literally say the same exact things. So when somebody writes me an email and because us guys, we’re very egocentric and we don’t like to, especially when it comes to women, admit that we don’t know what we’re doing or we’re wrong, what I often see in these emails is the guy’s trying to puff themselves up a little bit and, “Oh, I’ve always been successful with women. I’ve always had this and I’ve always been great and I’ve never gotten dumped. Well until this one time.” Then when you go through the email and you read the things that the woman is saying, he’s got his actions he’s claiming to do, but what the woman is saying, how he’s making her feel, tells me everything about his actual behavior.

Women say the same things and it doesn’t matter what country they’re from, what their language is. It’s like when you translate it, it all says the same stuff. That’s why when I can read these emails, I can tell when someone’s trying to bullshit me or they’re bullshitting themselves and they’re trying to make themselves look better because deep down they know they really screwed up.

This particular guy says he read 3% Man about eight years ago and he says at least eight times in that period. After that, he stopped reading it. That tells me more than likely he didn’t really take the time, because it’s one thing to read it, but really the the experience and the wisdom comes from applying it.

You can read the book a thousand times, but if you’re not really applying it and trying to get better and constantly going back to the book, just like you would if you’re taking a college class, it’s very difficult, which this stuff is not easy. Self-help is not easy. The things I teach are not easy. What I teach is not a shortcut to success. It’s hard and it’s not easy, especially when you’re dealing with your own emotions, but you have to constantly be applying this stuff and getting feedback in the real world and then be reviewing the information.

Much like when Tom Brady was playing in the NFL. It’s not like he reads the playbook at the beginning of the season and then throws that in the back of his locker and never looks at it again. It’s constant review of the playbook. Then they go out in the field, they run the plays, they film themselves running the plays. Then they come back in and they watch themselves running the plays on film and they compare that to what’s in the playbook. They review the playbook again. People discuss their roles, then they go back out in the field and they practice it again. It’s day in and day out. Repetition is the mother of skill. They’re trying to get better.

When somebody starts learning work like mine and they get to the point where like, “Hey, I got this,” and they don’t ever go back to the book again, because it’s been eight years at this point. More than likely that’s like 2015 then when he read it. So more than likely that’s before the audio book even came out. So maybe he’s got his dates a little wrong because he did say he listened to the audio book eight years ago. So maybe it was in 2016 when it first came out, but this relationship he’s writing in about started three years ago, right around the time that all the lock-downs happened.

So by the time it’d been like five years since he had looked at my book or even really studied this stuff. Like I said, I don’t know to what degree, but I can definitely tell, because I’ve been through his email, that he’s doing a lot of self bullshitting here. Just to give you an example, the relationship was great for the first year and then I’ll get into it in a minute. Some changes he made in his life, because he was trying to help out some family members of his, the sex stopped and he’s like, “But we we stayed together.” They didn’t have sex for almost two years.

So if you’re in a relationship with somebody and you haven’t had sex for two years, you’re roommates, you’re friends, you’ve been friend zoned. Just because that person may be physically with you, if there’s no physical intimacy, you don’t have a relationship. Your relationship is over. You’re friends, and that’s just the way things are. You can’t bullshit your way out of that. That’s those are the facts.

There’s other stuff like that going on in here. Recently he got ghosted about a month and a half ago and he’s like, “Well, she’s been doing all the pursuing. Other than the last week or two, I admit that I called her and pursued her a little bit,” but when I look at what she said to him, the words that she used, it’s obvious he was over pursuing and he was making her feel smothered and like she’s losing her freedom. In the previous paragraph, he’s representing as if she’s doing all the pursuing and everything’s great, but when I look at the words that she says, I know that he’s kind of full of shit on his explanation, he’s bullshitting himself. That’s why he thinks everything was fine, even though they hadn’t had sex for almost two years.

You got to see reality as it is, not better than it is like he was, or worse than it is. You got to go where things are based on the other person’s actions.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Long-time listener, first-time writer. Came across your book and content almost 8 years ago, and listened to the audio book at least 8 times in that period.

Well, if you haven’t looked at it since then it’s like, how are you going to practice and get better? Because you’re going to forget that information, especially when you consider this relationship started basically five years since the last time he read it.

Over the years I’ve been very successful with women thanks to you. To the point where I have never been broken up with… Until now.

I started dating this lady about 3 years ago and the first year was amazing. Sex all the time, hanging out every weekend, trips and I even met her extended family. As we got deeper into the COVID times I found out my grandmother and uncle needed help financially (both live in another country). As a result, I moved in with my mom and took on extra projects at work to help with the finances, leaving very limited time for my lady.

Well, as the book says, if you don’t date and court your wife or your girlfriend, in this case, eventually some other man will. There is a chapter in the book that says the courtship never ends, and you cannot end your courtship because you want to help out family members and just neglect your girl. That’s just not going to work. You’re not going to be able to maintain the relationship with her.

Eventually, she’s going to get tired of it and she’s going to leave you or find another guy and then leave you and monkey branch. Just depends on her character and her integrity level on whether or not she tells you about it or she does it behind your back and then you find out about it after the fact.

The other thing is you got to look at is that you moved in with your mother and take on these extra projects to send money to people in other country, which that sounds like a nice, noble thing to do, but also if you look at it, is that really the best way to live your life? Because you’ve got to be happy and fulfilled. In other words, you can’t suffer enough in your own life to make somebody else happy.

You can’t make yourself so broke that somebody else becomes rich, and if you’re in a relationship with a woman and you’ve got a nice lifestyle and she gets used to a relationship with you being stable and all of a sudden you move back in with your mom and you hardly ever see her and you don’t date her anymore, that is not the same person that she committed to in a relationship. You completely change that all on your own unilaterally.

That took a year and a half, and she was with me through it all. However, sex stopped during that time.

If you are going to write an email to me and claim that you’re always great with women and you always know what you’re doing and things are awesome, and then with a straight face you’re going to be like, “Oh yeah, we didn’t have sex for a year and a half,” come on, man. Do you really expect me to take anything that you say seriously after that?

If you’re not having sex with your girlfriend for a year and a half, you don’t have a girlfriend, you have a friend. You, I would say, are her gay male girlfriend. That’s just not a relationship anymore. Besides, if you weren’t spending much time with her anyways, you were just friends.

She broke up with me in December of 2022 because she felt I didn’t have the time for her, but kept hovering around.

Obviously she cared and was still hoping you would turn things around to get back to the way it was in the first year.

As the book says, “When she reaches out, make a date.” So we dated for the last 6 months, and in that time I was able to complete my financial responsibilities to my family and start a new venture.

Well, he didn’t say anything about sex. He didn’t say the sex resumed. He just said they were dating.

The venture is a little unstable at the moment…

Yeah, if you’re unstable financially as a man, it’s going to be really hard to maintain a stable relationship and that’s why guys that are unstable typically tend to date more casually friends with benefits, that kind of thing. You can tell it totally consumed him to the point where he just did not make it a priority to date and court his girlfriend properly. Well, she wasn’t really his girlfriend anymore at that point anyways because they were no longer having sex.

…But if my calculations are correct, I’ll be stable in about 3 months (October/November time frame).

Well, if you start a new business, typically it takes way longer and way, way more money than you ever expected to. More than likely, smart men would say, I know your projections say three months, but more than likely, it might take three years. It’s nice to plan and hope for the best, but you also got to plan for, what if your assumptions are wrong? What if your plans don’t work out?

Well, mid-June was the last time I spoke to her on the phone. She and I had a wonderful conversation one day, and the next day I chose to call and make a date (one of the few times I actually reached out, as she did 80 – 90 % of the calling and texting)…

Well, if you were actually following what I teach in the book and 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, because you got dumped last year, 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing should be done by her when she’s the one that unilaterally ends the relationship, but you’re not following that. You’re doing your own thing, because again, you haven’t been through the book in eight years. So this is not surprising that you’re still pursuing somebody that dumped you and more than likely over pursuing and doing more of the pursuing than he’s claiming in the email.

He says 80 to 90%. Maybe at times it was that, but again, when you see her responses and what she actually said to him and how she treated him, obvious he was doing something different.

…But I was forwarded to voicemail. The next day I called and again forwarded.

So now what is that? So he’s triple messaged her. These are things right out of the book that you should not be doing. He’s panicking. He’s over pursuing. He’s leaving her messages. She’s not responding. He’s messaging her again. She’s not responding. He’s messaging her again. Remember, this is the guy that’s like, “Oh, she’s doing all the pursuing.”

I then sent a text…

Now it’s a fourth time he’s messaging her.

…Asking if she is OK, to which she promptly responded, “Yes I need time to myself.”

So in other words, “You’re smothering me, dude.” A woman does not communicate that she’s being smothered by you and needs time to herself when you’re letting her come to you. I have what he described that he’s doing, but I have her words. So her words cut right through all of his bullshit that he wrote, because he’s obviously bullshitting himself.

I responded with, “That’s OK and understandable, just communicate that with me.” I haven’t heard from her since. That has been 3 weeks now, and a few days ago she posted the chorus to Beyonce’s “Best I Never Had” to her IG stories…

So every time you’re watching her Instagram stories, you’re like fan-girling her and she can see that you’re watching her Instagram stories. More over pursuit. Again, these are all things that are covered in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and the book. You’re doing the opposite of what I teach even though you’re writing, claiming, “Hey, I’m doing everything as normal.”

…And I’ve noticed she has tagged her location in a few locations that are very unusual for her on Facebook. Meaning to me, I allowed someone to get to her. She is a really good woman and someone I can see a future with.

Bro, your relationship ended a couple of years ago when you stopped having sex with her. Elvis has left the building, and you’re the last dude to know.

I actually don’t mind this hiccup if there is another guy…

Come on, man.

…As I need the next few months to get my business together and move back on my own.

“I think it’s great that she’s with Chad Thunder Cock and he can keep her busy and keep having sex with her, even though I’m not having sex with her, and I’ll keep jerking off to my visual rolodex of her and the other ladies from my past.”

Notice he’s like, “I’m going to put the courtship off in the future, and once I get my act together, then I’ll start dating her again and things will be great.” Meanwhile, she gets a vote on this and she’s ignoring him. She’s ghosted him completely, probably because she found somebody else. Obviously I mean, you stopped having sex with her a couple of years ago. Duh, Elvis has left the building, bro. She’s not your girlfriend anymore. Sounds like she’s somebody else’s.

HOWEVER, once I’m there what should be the best plan of approach, and at this moment what is the right move?

Well, read the book again and you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, and you should remember a simple concept from the book about dating being like tennis. You hit the ball over the net and you must wait for her to hit it back. The last time you messaged her, you sent a barrage of four messages until she basically said, “Leave me the hell alone.” Yet you’re writing me going, “What else can I do Corey? I need the illusion of action. I should text her and call her more to prove to her that I really care.”

Again, you said that she’s been doing all the chasing for the last six months, when in reality I can look at her words and go, “That’s bullshit.” What it looks like is that she’s blown you off because she’s dating somebody else and exploring things with him. If you keep calling, texting her and fan-girling all of her Instagram stories and treating her like a celebrity, she’ll probably block you or get a restraining order against you. So you need to knock it off, dude. You need to get back into the material because you’re doing literally the opposite of what the book teaches.

You shouldn’t be surprised or shocked that you got blue balls and your relationship actually ended about two years ago. It’s like you had a girlfriend for about a year and you hung out as friends ever since. When she finally lined up a new guy, because you continued to over pursue, then she ghosted you. That’s where you’re at.

I want to send her a text to explain my stance on where things are with me from a stability standpoint and express no hard feelings, if she thought it was time to leave.

Bro, your relationship ended two years ago. She left a long time ago. She just been friends with you ever since. So when she’s already ignored your last four attempts to contact her, sending her a fifth attempt, it’s like you can’t possibly be thinking that’s a good idea. Again, what you’re wanting to do and you have been doing is the opposite of what the book teaches. So you should not be shocked that you’re ghosted.

As I understand my situation got complicated over the last 2 years, then go no-contact until she reaches out (if she does).

You’re kind of already in no contact because again, she said, “I need space.” Again, this is discussed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. It’s also discussed in the book. When somebody wants space, that says, “You’re smothering me, I feel like I’m losing my freedom. You’re kind of acting like a stalker. Leave me the hell alone.” That’s what that means. It doesn’t mean text me five fucking times in a row and I ignore you all five times, and then you try to come up with a reason of why you should text or call a sixth time.

Or is no contact at all the best route?

Again, dating is like tennis. You should have just left that one message and waited to hear from her. Again, you were claiming she was doing all the pursuing. So all I have to do is look at her actions and her words and realize everything you wrote to me was bullshit. It’s obvious you’re bullshitting yourself. That’s why I’m giving you this harsh dose of reality, is to bring you back to Earth and stop living in la la land because you’re like in an alternate reality here.

I would really like to get her back once I’m stable…

Well, get to a happy place and get stable, and if she happens to reach out at that time, you can make a date. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Pretty simple.

…And I want to make the right move now to set me up in the future as I know there is a 97% chance this dude will fail.

Thanks Coach,

Bob

Well, you’ve already failed and you are out of her life. She’s ignored you. She’s told you to leave her alone. Yet you’re still trying to come up with reasons and justifications to keep chasing after her instead of just following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Let her come to you, and just make a date at your place. Well, you live with your mom still, so you got to put your big boy pants on and be an adult. You need a place.

That’s probably one of the reasons why she didn’t want to have sex with you if you were always at your mom’s house. So she started dating a guy who was a man, and then you kind of turned into a man baby. Unfortunately, that’s the way it is, dude. It’s harsh. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I mean, two years ago, you stopped having sex with this girl. It’s like, what are you thinking? You weren’t together.

P.S. This isn’t a case of one-itis, as I know there are many other women out there, and my female orbiters have smelt blood and have begun reaching out. I just trust this woman emphatically and she is exactly what I’m looking for. 

Really? No sex for two years and you’re like, “Corey, that’s my dream girl. Sex for no two years. This is great. I’m totally down. Let’s make a lifetime partnership of this.” Come on, dude. You need to pull your head out of your ass because it is firmly way stuck up there. Maybe you get some people to help you pull it out, but you got to get back to the basics and start reading the book and actually applying what’s in there, because if you keep going the direction you’re going on, you’re going to get a restraining order against you. You need to knock it off. I mean, seriously.

Let her come to you. You’re chasing this girl right out of your life to the point where now she’s ignoring you and you’re going, “Oh, I should just contact her again and tell her how I’ll be stable in six months and then we can date.” Just let it be, bro.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.