Why 50/50 pursuing always leads to friend zone and couples becoming platonic roommates instead of passionate lovers.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started following my work about four years ago. He only read the book about four times and then assumed he had women all figured out and stopped reading my book, watching my videos and reading my articles.
A few months ago, he met a woman he really liked and reverted back to his old beta male ways. Now she takes a long time to reply to his messages, often won’t set dates and doesn’t get back to him about her schedule availability when he asks. He asks what he should do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
The reality is he’s still not following instructions. He’s still not reading the book 10 to 15 times like I’ve instructed. I’ve said it many, many times over the years, I’ve done many, many videos on this topic, and still, guys don’t listen. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. And it’s disappointing to me, but I understand how it is. It’s just most people are lazy.
They want the magic pill. They don’t want to go to the gym, they don’t want to work out. They don’t want to do the work on themselves. They don’t want to go through the process of putting their resume together when they hate their job and are looking for a new job. They complain about it, they don’t do anything and they put it off — tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, next week. Two years go by, three years go by.
And this particular guy, he was just coasting along and then out of the blue, a woman who really knocked his socks off walked into his life. And because it had been so long since he’d been through the book and the videos, and he didn’t really take the time to learn it in the first place, he predictably fumbled the football.
First I want to briefly thank you – I first discovered your material about 4 years ago when I was going through a breakup, (shocker I know) – I didn’t get the ex back, but It helped me to move on and re-center myself as a man. Your book opened my eyes on subtle mistakes and feminine needy behavior I started exhibiting.
Part of the reason why you keep applying it is because you want to undo the bad habits. As, Master Yoda said, “You want to unlearn what you have learned.”
After getting your book and reading it 4-5 times, I started seeing amazing progress – not just with my results when it comes to dating, but also how my mindset started to change. UNFORTUNATELY, I fell into the trap of ‘I think I got it figured out’ and I stopped immersing myself in your material. Everything was rosy for a long time until a few weeks ago, (I know, another shocker).
People don’t listen. What are you going to do? As a coach, you just continue to teach the fundamentals, and the high achievers will listen and they’ll follow instructions and get amazing results. The best success stories are always the guys that read the book 10 or 15 times and follow it religiously. They highlight the book, they listen to the audiobook, they really become serious students.
But there are no shortcuts to success, and this is why so many people, or the majority of the people, in our world are just mediocre — because they’re not willing to grind and put the time in to get the results they want.
I met this girl – completely blew me away. We ended up having sex on the first date and pretty much every time we met after that. She was doing most of the contact initiating, and I was just enjoying my time with her.
So, why do women do that? When a woman really likes you, they’re going to do most of the contact initiating. It doesn’t start out that way, but that’s why, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” you just set about one date a week. You’re taking measured steps, you’re going really slow, slightly slower than she does.
Because you’ve got to remember, in our society, what you see the movies and TV is that you’ve got to basically be a stalker and chase the girl and win her over. And that’s cute in the movies, but the geeky nerds that never got laid in high school that are writing these scripts still don’t understand women, and so, they write these fantasies that are just delusional and not based upon reality.
When you see this as a child, and you grow up throughout your life and you just keep seeing the same theme over, and over, and over again, you can’t help but become programmed by that. Whether you realize it or not, it’s propaganda. And you’re being propagandized by goofballs that don’t know anything about women by watching these movies and these TV shows with these dysfunctional ways of showing up.
Feminine energy grows through praise, and it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And women also will seek a man’s attention and validation. That’s why they put so much time into their nails, and their hair, and their looks, and trying on on twenty different outfits before they go out. They want to be noticed. “Beauty needs a witness.” That’s something that Zan Perrion said, which I think it’s a great statement, because it’s true.
A woman seeks a man’s attention and validation when she likes him and is highly attracted to him. When women are in love, they want your attention all the time. And so, as a woman starts to fall in love, she wants more of your attention and your time. And that’s why she doesn’t want to wait until next week if you just had a date last night, or a few nights ago, to hear from you or see you again.
She calls you or texts you about some innocuous thing just to give you the opportunity to make it easy for you to create another get together, another opportunity for sex to happen. They reach out to you and you’re like, “Hey babe, it’s really awesome to hear your voice again. I can’t wait to see you. When are you available?” You invite her out on a date, you romance her, you sweep her off her feet.
Women are designed to seek a man’s attention and validation. And I’m sure in this post, there will be a lot of women complaining about, “It’s supposed to be 50/50.” Well, when it’s 50/50, when you actually sit down and talk to a room full of those kinds of women and you ask them questions specifically about the guys they were really super into, none of them pursued them 50/50. That’s just reality.
We both knew that there’s a sort of deadline on our relations, as I was about to move to a different city in 1.5 months.
Yeah. So, you’re going to have the perfect non-hungry state because you’re like, “Hey, I’m leaving anyway.”
Looking back at it, that really helped us both to stay fully present and not worry about where this might go. After I already moved out, she kept in touch during that time, mostly sending some random Instagram posts or memes, but due to some logistical troubles I had to move back to my old place a month after I moved out, (long story). I was a bit upset, but nothing I could do about it.
Since I got back, we’ve met a few times and it was as good as before. The problem is this time there was no ‘deadline’ and I started to think about what a long term-relationship with her could be like.
So, what’s happening? He’s no longer living in the present moment. He’s worried about what may or may not happen in the future. And he’s also thinking about a long term relationship, which is feminine energy. Having a balanced purpose and mission, obviously, things didn’t go the way he expected, so his life and his purpose and mission became unbalanced and he became unsure of himself. And that’s another feminine quality.
And so, he basically started acting like a woman, instead of letting her seek his attention and validation, and praising her, and lifting her up, and lighting her up, and giving her the hot beef injection, if you will. He then started seeking her attention and validation and basically acting like another woman. And predictably, obviously, it’s going to turn her off. It would turn any woman off who’s normal — not a lunatic, but a normal, healthy woman.
And that’s where troubles started. The pursuing ratio slowly started shifting towards 50/50.
Come on, man. It’s such a basic thing. But you can tell he’s run by his emotions now, because with his purpose and mission, things just went sideways. Now he’s back in town, basically acting like a woman. Now he’s doing half of the pursuing.
She started taking longer to get back to me, etc.
Because now, he’s acting completely different. Whereas, before she was chasing him, now he’s starting to chase her.
Thankfully, I remembered all the wisdom I learned from you and quickly got back to the book and the videos, which ‘stopped the bleeding,’ so to say. I didn’t come completely unglued to a point where I turned her off, but I definitely displayed some weakness, (or at least a different behavior than at the beginning of our relations).
Well, the fact that you’re pursuing 50/50 after a month and a half of dating shows that the power has totally shifted.
I feel like the ratio of who’s more into who also slowly shifted. I know, bad place to be. The last few weeks have been tough. Thankfully, I didn’t act on any of my old beta impulses to blow up her phone or ask questions to get reassurance on ‘where do we stand,’ etc. I got back to setting up one date a week and minimizing contact over the phone.
Well, you’ve got to remember, dating is like a game of tennis at this phase, and you’ve got to wait for her to hit the ball back over the net, so to speak.
Here’s my 2 questions. First, a more general question, what are your tips for when you find yourself being more invested and caring more about the relationship than the girl?
You should definitely underrate her interest in you, because you’re obviously overrating it. And do what the coach says, read the book 10 to 15 times. And since it’s been so long, so many years since you read the book, I would say those four to five times that you claim to have read it four years ago, or whatever, those are irrelevant. You need to be reading this 10 to 15 times.
You’ve got to learn the fundamentals. There’s no way around it. Guys that are competing to be on NFL teams now, that are getting together, getting ready for the season, guys that are trying to make the team, they’re not going, “Oh yeah, I’ll read the playbook next week.” If you don’t know the playbook, you’ll get cut from the fucking team. It’s as simple as that. You have to put the time and the work in.
Second one, more specific. On 2 occasions now, I have asked her to tell me her schedule so we can plan something. Both times she said, “Okay, I will,” and didn’t say what her availability is straight away, but got back to me after a few days – which is fine.
That shows that her interest is really low. So, you might want to think about stretching out your dates, making it a little longer between seeing her.
What I find a bit troubling is that in between me asking for her schedule and her saying when she’s free, she keeps contacting me, (mostly sharing some Instagram posts or memes, etc.) How would you handle this situation?
So, if she’s sending you an Instagram meme, a nice way to just kind of end the conversation so it doesn’t really go anywhere is to just like it. Put a little heart on it. Acknowledge it, but put a heart on it instead of writing a text back, just like the meme. And don’t bring up anything about the date, because she should be texting you back with enthusiasm about what her schedule is.
It just shows that your 50/50 pursuing has caused her to go from having high interest in you to kind of being “Ehh.” Maybe there are some other guys in the picture. That’s probably happening. I would assume it’s happening, because you never got to the point where you were exclusive, because you didn’t follow instructions. And that’s on you.
Am I going wrong about setting up the date, or should I just slightly acknowledge the messages she sends me, but not get into any texting exchange before she tells me when she’s free?
Thanks a ton Coach.
Well, if she’s sending you an Instagram meme, I would just put a heart on it, and that’s it. And wait for her to text you. But she’s probably not going to say, “Hey, my availability is this.” She’ll probably go, “Hey, what are you doing? Hey, what are you up to?” And you can be like, “Hey, great to hear from you. What’s your schedule like?” or “Did you figure out your schedule?” Just get right to the point. Don’t send three or four texts back and forth.
And if I were you, I would let her do almost 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing at this point, because you need to kind of match and mirror her behavior. If you look at her actions, she’s not really making it easy to spend time with her like she was before when she was pursuing you, and so, that’s indicative of her interest dropping.
I wrote about this. One of the women that I really learned a lot from and honed my skills on, it took a year and a half to really get the ‘too much pursuing versus not enough pursuing’ and finding the sweet spot. And that’s kind of where you’re at with this girl. That’s why things are kind of vacillating, because the reality is you’re still pursuing her too much. So, like I said, I would just back off, wait to hear from her, and make a date when you do.
I’d also I’d be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Say she does text you and go, “Hey.” You say, “Hey, what did you figure out in your schedule?” “Oh, I’m not sure yet, but I just want to see how you were doing.” I would say, “Hey, I’m doing great. Can’t talk right now, but let me know when you figure out your schedule,” and then leave it at that.
Then, say a couple of days, or four or five days later, she’s like, “Hey, what are you doing?” You say, “I’m doing great. What did you figure out in your schedule?” And if she goes, “Oh, I’m not sure, but I just wanted to see how you are,” something those lines, then you go, “Hey, no problem. Just get back to me when you figure it out.” And from that point forward, you’re not going to bring up getting together unless she brings it up first.
There’s probably a good chance that that might happen, because if a woman is really excited to see you and you ask her when she’s available, she’s going to tell you. But if she’s not that into it, she’s just going to say, “Oh, I don’t know my schedule.” Because when women do that, what they’re really trying to do is see if you’re still on the hook, see if you’re still interested. Because it sounds like you’re probably in backup. You’re one of her backup guys now, and she may be spending more time with somebody that’s acting more masculine.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge you’d like to get my help with, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women naturally seek a man’s attention and validation because beauty needs a witness and feminine energy grows through praise. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. A man who is focused on his mission and purpose in life and who is balanced, happy, whole and complete on his own, doesn’t seek a woman’s attention or validation, but does enjoy romancing and sweeping her off her feet when she comes to him, so they can share their completeness together. Any time a man pursues a woman more than 30% of the time, her feelings of attraction and enthusiasm for him will diminish. When it becomes 50/50, they become platonic roommates instead of passionate lovers. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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