Why women friend zone guys, so you can avoid getting the let’s just be friends speech.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got the let’s just be friends speech from a girl he was seeing for a little over a month. He’s obviously new to my work and probably hasn’t read 3% Man yet, but the email is a textbook case of why “nice guys” who have no spine or emotional center and are too soft and girly finish last with women and get banished to friend zone.
Women want a man they respect, admire and who can lead them. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’m sure he is a really good guy, but he’s too nice, he’s too soft. Women want a man that they respect, that they admire, that they can look up to, that they can trust enough to lead them. And when you read the tone of what this woman said to this guy, you could really see that he pretty much has no idea what he did wrong. But also, by the same token, how he gave off that platonic vibe.
You kind of get the sense that he’s a people pleaser. He’s extra nice. He doesn’t want to rock the boat a little bit, doesn’t speak up for himself, is not direct and decisive. And he thinks, because of how much he really super duper likes this girl, that she’s going to like him back because of that, as if he gets points for that. So, it’s a great email to go through, so you can avoid these types of behaviors. Because this, unfortunately, happens to a lot of guys, and this dude, he got hit, it came out of left field, and he’s totally shocked, like, “What happened?”
I’m looking for an explanation of why I got the “Let’s just be friends” speech. I’ve been seeing this girl for only a little over a month. Now, she sent me this.
“Hey, so I have been thinking a lot this week about us and our situation.”
“Hey!” They always start out with, ‘hey,’ it’s so funny.
“I am beginning to think we would be better off as just friends. I know that I am the first girl that you have had any type of romantic relationship with.”
There’s also a little bit of condescension, like, “you’re a good little boy” in the email. I mean, just the tone. You could tell she doesn’t respect him and she looks at him and talks to him like he’s a child, basically. Not a man, but a little child, like a boy. A nice boy that you want to be nice to and you don’t want to hurt his feelings. But at the end of the day, you don’t respect him, you don’t admire him, you don’t look up to him. You don’t see him as the type of guy that you would want to lead you in a relationship, or a family, or what have you.
I mean, it’s pretty condescending, here. She almost writes it as if she’s this woman who’s decades older than this guy. Maybe she is, but probably around the same age. But she’s like, “You’re a good little boy.”
“You are young and have lots of life to live and people to meet. I don’t wanna hold you back from meeting other people.”
Because, at the end of the day, she knows that he basically makes her pussy dryer than a bucket of sand. He’s not turning her on with this behavior. Women don’t want to teach us guys how to be men. They want you to figure it out. In other words, she’s saying, “Go figure it out and go learn from other women how to be a man, because I don’t have the patience to teach you. Because you’re a little child, and I’m a woman.”
“I know you might think I am the one.”
I assume this guy’s probably told her that, giving her that impression. So, obviously, he’s overpursued, he’s drooled all over her, probably vomited his feelings, thinking, “Oh, that’s what I saw in the movies. This is what works. Hey, it worked for Spider Man.”
“I completely get it and I understand. But you have so many more people to meet.”
In other words, you’ve got a lot of fucking up to do, buddy, before you get straight.
“I can promise you that the first person I dated, I could never imagine myself with them now. I am glad I could be your first experience with a girl, and I hope that I’ve set the stage for how you should be treated.”
He probably treated her like his mommy, as well as his therapist, figuring, oh, he’ll get an “attaboy.” She’s talking to him like she’s dealing with a little child, a little boy. So condescending.
“I still want to be in your life…”
“As your mother.” No, she didn’t say “as your mother,” but she might as well have.
“…and I want to help you in every way that I can.”
Just not in the bedroom.
“You have become such a good friend to me, and I am so thankful for that.”
So, why did I get this and get blown off so quickly when I really loved her and she seemed like a great girl?
So, here’s the reality, you’ve got to read “3% Man,” dude. And you can even read it for free on my website: UnderstandingRelationships.com. Because everything you’re doing is turning women off. You’re too nice. Women want a guy who is dangerous, but kind. A guy who knows what he wants, why he wants it, and he’s going after it. A man with a purpose and a mission in life. A take charge kind of guy. And you, basically, have given off the vibe that you’re you’re happy to be her butler and a people pleaser.
The reality is women don’t care how much you like them. And from what she said, it seems like you were thinking she’s the one, you’re going to be marrying her, and you’re going to be together forever, just like in the movies and all that stuff. It doesn’t matter how much you love a girl or how much you care about her. It has no effect on her interest in you, her romantic interest. Women only care about how they feel about you.
And the way you have behaved, you have basically acted like a little boy, a little child, and you’ve treated her like your mommy. And so, she talks to you like your mommy. I mean, the whole email was so condescending and talking down to you. She’s trying not to hurt your feelings, but you can tell she doesn’t respect you at all as a man.
I’m not necessarily trying to get back with her…
…but I’m wondering why I got that.
Because you acted like a bitch. You acted soft, you acted like a girl. You didn’t act like a man. You constantly displayed friendship, platonic vibes. You did not give off the vibe that you knew what you were doing. And this was your first experience, so it’s almost like you’re like, “Oh, Mommy, Mommy, tell me what to do.” Women don’t want that. They want a man that knows what to do, that knows how to take them to your bed chambers and ravish them over and over and over again, so they can feel your strength.
All my friends say I’m a great guy, and her friends do too.
So, what? You don’t get any credit for being a great guy. You get credit for acting like a man. When you act like a little boy, everybody says, “You’re a great guy. You’re a good little boy! You’re just so good.” But women don’t want to sleep with you. They don’t want to have sex you. They don’t want to have babies with you. That’s reality.
You’ve gotta act like a man, not a little boy. It’s time to grow up. It’s time for a harsh dose of reality. You’ve got to read “3% Man,” dude. Because you’re going to continue to get this. If you don’t change your behavior, every woman that you interact with is going to do the same thing to you. They’re going to think you’re a really nice boy, but they’re not going to feel like, “This is a man that can lead me, that can lead my family, and that I want raising my children.”
“It’s like he doesn’t even know how to be a man yet. He can’t even take care of himself. How’s he going to take care of children? How is he going to lead me? How am I going to look up to and admire this guy?” Because you basically put her in the leadership position in the relationship. You made her the man. And she didn’t like being made out to be the man, even though that’s what you see in the movies and TV shows.
They all like me and the way I act, but is there something like being too nice, too respectful, or trying too hard to be the one that everyone likes?
Exactly. You’re a people pleaser. You do things because you seek their attention. That’s not masculine, that’s weakness. Weakness invites aggression. And if you’re too weak to stand up for yourself and you go along with things that you don’t like just in order to be liked, you’re a people pleaser.
I would really appreciate some answers and any help or suggestions you can give.
Women don’t want you to be seeking their attention and validation. They want to be seeking yours. And you’re obviously constantly looking for little attaboys from her, like you did something good, and this is what happens.
Typically, guys that grow up with single moms where there’s no dad, the women are like, “I’m going to make my son into a really nice boy, so when he grows up and becomes a man, he’s never going to hurt a woman like I’ve been hurt by the men in my life.” And so, they’re too nice, they’re too soft. They’re not direct and not decisive. They’re indecisive. And they get emails like this.
It sucks, but hey, this is life. It’s this failure, the pain that you experienced from the rejection that caused you to go to YouTube, or Google, or DuckDuckGo, or one of the other search engines and seek out yours truly, like this handsome, shaved head dude on this book, here. But it’s free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter, and you can be reading it instantly in your browser.
But what’s happened here is you’ve grown up in our society that makes men soft, makes them compliant, makes them not try to rock the boat too much. Sit in the back of the class, and be a little quiet, and push the women forward towards the leadership positions. And then the women will all save our society. And then you behave this way, and they’re like “You’re a good little boy, but we’re better off as friends. You have a lot of people that you’re going to meet.”
So, it’s a tough lesson. I know, it’s not nice, but I’m not that kind of coach that’s going to go, “Oh, you’re a good little boy. Just be yourself. It’ll all work out.” I’m not that guy. I’m the guy that’s going to say, “Stop acting like a pussy!” and tell you how to turn things around. Because, not only are women not going to respect you, but if you behave this way in business, you’re going to get passed over for promotions. People are going to rip you off. You’ll put all of this work into a project, and everybody that you’re working on the project with is just going to coast, and then they’ll come in and take credit for it. And because you don’t speak up for yourself, you get walked all over.
Women don’t want a doormat. They want a man that will stand up for himself. Because, if you won’t stand up for yourself, if she’s ever in any real danger, you won’t stand up for her either. And it doesn’t make women feel safe. Just from the tone of her, ‘let’s just be friends’ speech to you, she doesn’t respect you as a man. She sees you as a child, as a little boy. A nice boy, but not somebody that she wants to date, and sleep with, and potentially have children with.
It doesn’t matter that she may have initially found you really attractive, physically. If you act like a little girl, she’s going to treat you like a little girl and not want to be with you romantically. That’s just the harsh reality of life. I didn’t make women this way. This is just the way they are. If you don’t like it, you can complain to the big man upstairs.
You need to fill in your knowledge gap. Because if you don’t change your approach, every woman that you get with that you really like is going to give you the same thing, because it’s the same vibe. You’ve got to have the sexual polarity, and when you act too feminine and too girly, there’s no sexual polarity. If you’re dating a feminine woman and you act feminine, it’s like she’s dating another chick. She wants a man. It’s the differences in the sexes.
And this is the same for lesbian relationships and gay relationships, as well. Because you have a masculine essence and you have a feminine essence. And without the two, when they’re too similar, they’re like roommates, they’re platonic. They don’t want to have any physical, sexual intimacy. And so, what happened was you acted too much like a girl. Therefore, there was no sexual polarity. And since there’s no sexual polarity, you completely turn her off.
So, I’d be reading the book, I’d be applying it, start dating the other women. Never call or text her again for any reason. The thing about, “Hey, I want to be in your life still,” it’s like, “No. We’re lovers, or we’re never going to speak again. I don’t want you in my life if you’re not interested in sex and romance. I don’t need a girl ‘friend.’ I want a woman who’s passionate about me. And you’re basically telling me that you’re not that into me, so I’m going to move on. Hey, if you change your mind, reach out. But I’m just not going to do the ‘friends only’ thing.” So, that’s part of taking your power back and standing up for yourself.
I would also encourage you to read “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” and get familiar with that. Because, as you start displaying more masculine behavior – especially if this woman is part of your friend group or your peer group, and you’re going to see each other, and you’re going to hear about each other – when word gets out that you’re going out on dates with other women and these women are pretty, (prettier than this one was), and that you’re having a great time, and you seemingly just completely moved on with your life and completely forgot about her, she might reach out in the future.
And so, by learning what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you can handle any and all objections. And then, she’ll come over to your place to make dinner in the evening together, and you can hang out, have fun and hook up together.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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