Why Did She Back Away? Another Guy, Was I Too Needy, Etc.?

How to know why she backed away and became cold and distant.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a guy who went out on a date with a female colleague. The date went well but had some awkward moments. She canceled the 2nd date because she was sick, but then dipped out with a weird explanation.

The 2nd email is from a viewer who has been seeing a girl for about 5 months on and off. Recently, she backed away saying they needed to pump the brakes. He wants to know why. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I could really use some help as this girl has completely left me out in the cold. I am a 7-time reader, and your book is incredible.

A female colleague started working at my place (different area) and she immediately took a liking to me, according to a friend who started the same time as she did. I found out that she was on a dating app due to her love life going quiet and had rejected/stood up 2 guys this past week.

So, we know there are guys in the background, other dudes that she’s trying to get with.

As I always ask women out in person, thanks to your work, I decided to ask her out.

It’s definitely more masculine, especially these days with everybody just a bunch of scroll monkeys on their phones and not interacting with other human beings. Being able to strike up conversations in person is a plus. It’s a bonus, it’s a superpower. The reality is if you’re worried about talking to women in person or cold approaching, if you can’t talk to her in person when you first meet her, what do you think is going to happen on a date? You’re going to sit there, “Uh, what I do?!” What are you going to do?

You’ve got to learn to converse with other human beings. You have to develop your skills at small talk. And if you’re not good at that, you need work on that. And that’s why you need to talk to more strangers in person and get good at striking up conversations with anyone, anywhere. Because you never know when you’re gonna turn around and there’s a smokeshow and they’re smiling at you. It just happens that quickly, so you’ve got to be prepared. As Confucius said, “Success depends upon prior preparation, and without said preparation, there is sure to be failure.”

She was blushing, smiling and stunned to be asked out in person.

Yeah, especially if a girl is online, she probably hardly ever gets this experience in person. Especially with today’s guys. They’re just stuck to their devices, and they’re kind of weird and socially awkward.

We set up a date, time and place for 3 days later and I got her number. The week resumed with no texting. Textbook. Come the date, we were at the bar and had some conversations about things we like and what we do outside of work. She openly admitted she liked me for a while and was happy I asked her out.

So far, so good.

Originally, I told her friend that I don’t date co-workers, but this girl completely knocked my socks off, (I know, my bad).

Well, as the old Indian proverb says, “If tribe not to know, keep mouth shut.” And you should definitely not be saying things like this, especially with the people you work with, especially to a woman. I think women can keep a secret for like 45 seconds max before they’ve got to tell somebody.

There’s actually a study years ago. I remember talking about this in previous videos, but it’s under a minute when we’ve got to tell somebody. So, the average woman can keep a secret for like 45 seconds before she’s like, “Who can I tell? Who can I tell?” And then before you know it, just everybody knows about it. Especially when it comes to romance. Girls love juicy gossip.

She asked me about my previous relationships, and I was taken aback by this.

Remember, he says he read “3% Man” seven times.

She opened up about her past, so to ease her mind, I told her mine too as she really wanted to know.

Less is more. You can say, “I’m on good terms with my exes. I had great relationships. Typically, 3 to 4 years we stayed together, and I’m on good terms with them. Sometimes relationships run their course.” And then you turn right around and ask a different question and change the subject. Because whoever is asking the questions is the one who’s running the conversation. You’ve got to remember that.

Guys get themselves backed into a corner, and that’s kind of what it sounds like. He kind of got backed into the corner about that, and he felt he had to be honest and regurgitate everything to her.

I have always been the dumper, 3 serious relationships at 4 years each, so that shows I’m in it for the long haul.

What does that mindset tell you? He is seeking her approval and validation. “I hope she likes me,” instead of, “Do I like this girl? Is she good for me if we start hooking up, is she going to be cool at the office? Is she going to cause problems? Is she going to be gossiping to all of the girls about I how big schlong is?” You’ve got to think about these things. You got to think differently. “Oh, please pay attention to me, your highness!” It just gives away the mentality of what his thinking is about himself. Remember, we’re going to act consistently with how we view ourselves to be, and it doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not.

I changed the subject to speak about her goals and her family…

Good job.

…as I wanted to know if she had been brought up well.

Nice. See, he’s vetting. This is what you do on dates, you try to vet. “Do I like this girl? Is she good for me? Does she come from a good family, or is she a ratchet?”

We then went bowling and played mini golf, and as the date progressed, she was knocking back drinks. Come the end of the date, she held my arm, and I walked her back to hers. She invited me in.

Oh, time for the after party – the private after party, with just you and her as the guests. Well, you’re kind of the guest of honor because you’re at her place.

As we sat down, she put her head on my shoulder with her face up towards mine.

Well, that’s pretty obvious.

I looked at her, she smiled and then I kissed her. We made out for a few minutes. She put my hand on her butt, and as it got further, I went down below but she pulled back. So, I did too. We carried on kissing.

Remember, two steps forward, you encounter resistance like this, one step back. It doesn’t mean that’s it and you stop. It just means you’re going a little too fast. Even though she’s the one to put your hand on her butt, you got a little too aggressive, apparently. You get better at this with age and time, and the more you practice it, you get really smooth. Your hands just accidentally bump her nipples, and you don’t hold on too long, “Oh, accident. Sorry, oops!”

We were near her bed and she sat there pulling me in kissing me.

So far, so good.

I then took her top off.

Remember I discussed this in the book, two steps forward, one step back. This is so common.

But then she stopped saying, “we can’t because we’re co-workers.”

You just say, “Babe, I promise you, I’m James Bond, I won’t tell anybody. I won’t tell anybody how naughty you are.” But if she puts her blouse back on, what does it mean? You slow down a little bit, continue talking, maybe caress her face, run your fingers through her hair. Talk for a little bit, start making out again. Slowly move around. Slowly take the blouse off again. Each time you get a little further.

Remember, she stopped you when you put your hand down her pants, after she put your hand on her. But you went too far too fast. And probably, I would say you went a little too far too fast with taking the blouse off. You’re a little too eager, so you’ve got to slow down a little. Because you’re encountering resistance twice in a short period of time. That tells me you’re going a little too fast. The idea is to go slightly slower than her.

I didn’t get butt-hurt. She then lied on her bed embarrassed, like she was about to pass out, so I decided to leave.

So if she’s really super drunk, I wouldn’t necessarily leave. You could just lie there and cuddle. Maybe you wake up in the middle of the night and you have sex. Maybe you wake up in the morning and you have sex. I wouldn’t just up and leave.

She then walked me out. I was confused.

So, when you just decided to leave, she’s invited you in. I’d be staying the night. I’d be cuddling with her. Just say, “Are you’re tired? Well, why don’t we go to sleep? I’d love to wake up with you in my arms in the morning.” And then just lay there and cuddle. Because more than likely, hopefully, you’ll wake up with a little morning wood poking her in the back, “Hey, girl!”

But to just up and leave, what it looks like is that you were just trying to get laid, you got rejected, and boom, “Now I’m dipping out.” It’s just a bad way to go. Remember, two steps forward, one step back. I wouldn’t have dipped out unless she’s like, “Well, I’m going to go to bed, so you need to leave.” Then you leave. But obviously she wasn’t. I would have stayed. But if she was really super drunk, it was probably not a good idea to seduce her. Just sleep together, I mean, not having sex, but sleep together in bed and cuddle. And who knows, maybe in the middle of night she wakes up, she sobers up a little bit. She gets a little frisky, a little more grabby. But you left. I wouldn’t have done that.

The next day, she texted me saying thanks for the night before. I called her and asked if she was okay and that I would like to see her again.

“Are you okay” because of what happened physically between the two of you? Or are you just saying, “Hey, are you really hung over?” I’m not really sure. Almost sounds like he’s saying, “Are you okay? Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”

She said, “I’m free in 3 days’ time,” so I playfully joked, “You’re keen,” and we setup a date. On the day of the second date, I saw her at work in the distance laughing and joking with her friend. Later she went home ill, (alarm bells).

Yeah, that’s probably not fun. You’re thinking, “Alright, I can’t wait until tonight. Date number two. Can I get a little further? I’m going to probably get to the Promised Land, play hide the salami. She’ll be beating the bishop, getting the general to stand at attention.”

She texted me saying, “Rain check as I’m not well.”

So, she definitely was sick, because you saw her leave because she was ill? Unless she’s like, “I’m not feeling good. I don’t want to go on this date.” But we’re assuming she’s ill. She did go home sick, after all.

I replied with, “No problem, let me know when you’re better.” She put, “Definitely, 100%.”

Everything seems fine.

A few days later, she came into work and I noticed she was blanking me and staying away from me as much as possible, and her friend was off with me too.

Nothing’s happened since then. So, what does that mean? If she’s hiding, it means she feels bad. What could she feel bad about? Or maybe she feels guilty. Because, as we continue…

I gave her the benefit of the doubt being ill, so I texted her 5 days later…

Remember, you did tell her, “Hey, let me know when you feel better.” You weren’t congruent with that, so it’s a little bit of overpursuing. If you tell a girl, “Hey, when you’re better, let me know and we’ll reschedule,” but he didn’t do that.

…saying, “Hope you’re well. I am free one or two days this week, what’s your schedule looking like? Would love to see you.” She waited hours and replied with, “Something’s happened in my life, and I don’t think it’s fair to make plans. I hope you understand.”

That would mean, “I found another man,” or “My ex has come back in the picture, and I really care about him, and I’m going to give it another chance.” Or “Those guys that were blowing me off from online when I decided to go out with you, they finally came back.” Could be. Like I said, this totally looks like another dude. That’s why. Because she feels a little guilty. She’s thinking, “Man, I got this guy all wound up and now we work together,” but now she’s hanging out with some other dude.

I replied, “No problem, whenever you figure it out, give me a call if you change your mind.” She didn’t respond.

At work, whenever we came across each other, I would give her a big smile and said hey. She hasn’t since made contact but stays away as best she can. She and her best friend are still off with me. I’m led to believe that she thinks I’m ignoring her when I’m not…

I don’t know why you would think that.

…so she and her friend are mirroring by ignoring me.

I think what’s happened is she got involved with another guy, maybe got back together with her boyfriend, and she’s told her friend about it. And she’s thinking, “Oh, if he finds out I’m seeing somebody else, it might get weird or awkward, so let’s just keep our distance.”

Not particularly sure what is going on or what I have done, but the ball is in her court.

You notice, he blames himself for everything.

She hasn’t blocked me, I know that for sure.

Like I said, the quote that “something happened,” what really happened is another dude came into her life that she was more emotionally invested in or came back into her life. So, you did the right thing by just saying, “Hey, give me a call if you change your mind.” And so, when you’re at work, you should act like nothing’s changed, and you should continue giving your attention to other women at work and not her or her friend.

If you see her, wave, smile and then go about your business. If she comes over and stands next to you, you’re like, “Hey you, what’s going on? How’ve you been? What’s new?” Remember, you told her to get in touch if she changed her mind. And so, if you give your attention, especially if there’s other pretty girls in the office and you’re laughing and joking with them all the time, and you don’t really pay much attention to her, and she becomes available again, or things go sideways with the other dude, she’ll start trying to get your attention.

But at the end of the day, she removed her attention and gave you kind of a vague explanation, and she’s been kind of staying off at work. And if I’m a betting man, I would say that’s because there’s another dude that came back in the picture, and she felt guilty about that. She’s worried, because this has probably happened to her in the past, that they become a little obsessive over her.

Because you fooled around a little bit and you had a little kissy-poo, and she’s going to be thinking, “Man, I got this guy all wound up about me at work,” and now she’s getting back together with some other dude. And typically guys that don’t know any better don’t go away quietly in those situations. They get butt-hurt, they get perturbed, they get upset. They’ve got to confront her, got to talk to her, find out what’s wrong. Like I said, everything looks like just another dude is in the picture or came back in the picture – somebody she already had more time with and was more emotionally anchored to.

I assume she may have been back on her dating app and is into maybe another guy and was trying to let me down gently, but that doesn’t excuse her ignorant behavior.

I don’t know what you mean by “ignorant behavior.” Does that mean her ignoring you? Like I said, it just seems like she feel’s kind of guilty. She doesn’t want to tell you that she got back together with an ex or something. And that’s why it shouldn’t bother you either way. You should just treat it like it’s no big deal.

How would you treat her if you were tired of sleeping with her? You’d be nice, you’d be cordial, you’d be friendly, but you’re not going to do anything to try to get her out or go on a date or anything. Almost like you’re not interested. If you had three other girls you were hooking up with, you’re not going to care about the girl you went out on one date with at the office, kissed a little bit, and then who went back to her ex-boyfriend. Because you’re having fun with the girls that are actually ready, willing, able, and open to romance with you.

Anyway, no contact has been over 3 weeks now. What do you think may have happened, or why did she accept a second date just to blow me off when nothing out the ordinary seems to suggest otherwise?

Thanks Corey, keep up the amazing work you do!

Bob

Well, like I said, it just seemed like there’s another dude that came back in the picture. That’s all that really happened. And if she says something about it to you, just say, “Oh, I just assumed you maybe got back together with your boyfriend, or an ex, or a guy that was things were going sideways with when we started talking.” Its like, “Hey, if it doesn’t work out, let me know. and we can pick up where we left off. As long as I’m not taken by one of the girls that are lusting after my sexy body. I’ve got a lot of fans, you know. It’s tough being a man these days, with all these lockdowns. Girls are very aggressive after we came out of the lockdowns – being cooped up at home for all those months and years, especially in Europe.”

So, anyway, I wouldn’t do anything. I’d keep dating other women and everything that I told you. But like I said, if I’m a betting man, if I’m in Las Vegas, I’m definitely put my money on there’s some other guy, because that’s the behavior. You didn’t do anything super inappropriate or out of the ordinary, and your texting after was fine. But like I said, it completely turned on a dime because there’s probably another dude in the picture. That’s the only thing that makes sense.

Stop beating yourself up. Just get back out there, dude. Get some more choices and more options. It’ll give you more swagger. It’ll give you time to practice what’s in the book. Because I pointed out a few things in the beginning that you need clean up. The idea is to just get a little better, that’s all. The less mistakes you make, the lower the chances you’re going to have of talking her out of liking you.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I’m 26 years old and recently discovered all of your material. I’m currently on my second read of your book and wish I had found it sooner!

I know, I’ve heard that a lot, “Wish I had your book ten years ago,” “Wish I’d found it 20 years ago.” I wish I had a book like mine when I was younger. Especially to the young guys that follow me, my dudes, you have no idea how lucky you are to have a book like this. And the fact that you can even read it for free on my website, it’s like, man! There were so many things I missed out on when I was younger, and so it makes me feel good as a 52 year old dude, almost 53 now, that a young guy in high school can date the prom queen, and have a great life, and great experiences in high school and college, and not have to go go through all the things that I went through to learn all of this stuff. So, it makes the struggle worthwhile.

I’m in what people are calling a “situationship,” or at least that’s what my lady friend called it. (Don’t worry, I didn’t ask what we were). My situation goes like this… This girl is my best friends’ girlfriend’s best friend. We started hanging out and going on dates in July. Things were great. We were having fun, hanging out, and hooking up at least 2 times a week. Everyone was telling me how into me she was, and I even met her parents a month later. Then, out of nowhere in September, she started to pull away and I got needy.

Well, I wouldn’t say it’s you “got needy.” What happened is you became more needy. And what was going on is that she could tell that you were way more into her than she was into you. And women are like cats. Sometimes, when they spend a lot of time with you, they’re just not as excited or as enthusiastic. And you don’t take that personally. You just think, “Great, she wants to go and do other things. Now I’ve got some peace. I can catch up with the boys. We can go out and drink some beers and watch some sports, maybe go to the gun range, have some fun.”

Since you’re not committed, maybe go out with some other girls. What happens in these situations with guys that don’t know any better is the kitty cat gets a little bored and the guy goes, “Oh, there’s something wrong. I’ve got fix it. I’m going to call her, I’ve got to text her. I’ve got to find out where I stand. I got to confront her.” Instead of just going, “Her attraction dropped a little bit.” Don’t take it personally. Just let her be.

She said she “isn’t emotionally available” and eventually told me that we need to pump the brakes. 

What she’s basically saying is, “Hey, we’re moving too fast. I feel like I’m being smothered. I feel like I’m in a relationship, but my feelings are not there for me to want to be in a relationship with you.” And she can tell you’re way more into her than she’s into you. You’re thinking, “Oh, she’s going to be mine now! This is my girl.” You’re probably telling people, “Oh, it’s going so great,” and she’s going, “I kind of like this guy, but I don’t know. He’s coming on really strong. I’m confused. I don’t know what I want.”

So, after a month of not seeing her or reaching out to her, she started reaching out to me. I’ve learned from a wise man that women are like cats. On Halloween night, we were together for the first time since she pushed me away. We went home together and hooked up.

Never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you.

We still get together about 2 times per month.

And so, in this case remember, when somebody pushes you away and pumps the brakes, then they messed it up, they blew it up, so it’s their job to fix it. They’ve got to do all of the pursuing from that point forward to show they warrant your time and attention. They have to earn it. They don’t just get it back automatically because they reached out to you. You’ll give them a chance to win you back over, but they’re going to have to work for it.

A lot of guys make the mistake of going right back to the pursuing and overpursuing, and the same thing happens all over again. And so, in this case, you’ve got to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. And you just set dates in the evening that can lead to sex at your place or hers.

Everyone still tells me how crazy she is for me…

Oh, yeah, she sounds really crazy for you. And another thing, stop telling everybody your business. This is part of your problem, because you’re drooling all over the place when you talk about her, and then it all gets back to her and she’s like, “This dude is dopey and weak,” and you’re turning her off. So, stop telling everybody in your friend circle your business, because it goes right back to her and it doesn’t make you look good. It makes you look like a bitch. It is what it is.

…and she actually gets jealous when she sees me talking to other girls.

But if we take a step back and bottom line her actions, she doesn’t act like somebody like that. And these are other people telling you this. Maybe these are girls just trying to say, “You’ve got to tell her how you feel. Stay in there, buddy. Don’t give up. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Just be yourself.”

Keep in mind, this girl is about a year removed from a very toxic relationship where her boyfriend cheated multiple times. When we started hanging out, she was only 5-6 months removed from it. I know her emotions are all over the place, so when I don’t hear from her, I just let her go, knowing that she will be back.

Well, you shouldn’t be calling. When a woman stops things and pumps the brakes and disappears for weeks at a time – I think almost a month, he said in this case – just because she reaches out and you hook up doesn’t mean you go right back to calling and texting once a week. She pushed you away, she stopped the romance. Therefore, she has to restart the romance, that’s on her.

And if she wants you to give her another chance because she pushed you away, you might be like, “Hey, this girl is messed up.” You don’t come from a good family, or you dated a toxic ex, you just pump the brakes. I’d rather hang out with a girl that’s excited to see me. And so, unless there’s lots of enthusiasm, you’re not going to give her time and attention. That’s why you let her do all of the pursuing after she’s pushed you away.

How should I approach this situationship moving forward?

Well, she’s just a girl you were casually hooking up with. That’s it. And obviously, your game was sloppy, because you didn’t know the book. But that’s what brought you to the book, because you’re having problems. Because with that amount of time spent together, she should have been head over heels in love with you. So, you’ve got to think in terms of the courtship has kind of been reset to the starting point.

You hooked up a couple of times in the past month. And you’re not going to call, you’re not going to text, you’re not going to try to get her out on dates, but if she contacts you, you should assume she wants to see you. Invite her over to your place to make dinner together.

And you should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” And so, if she comes over three dates in a row and you hook up all three times, and then you can meet her out, and pick her up, and take her on dates, and things of that nature. But she still has to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing in order for that to happen.

Should I continue to proceed with caution, or should I be the one to bring up boundaries?

Thanks for your help,

Bob

No, you’re thinking I’ve got to lock her down. It’s like, part of the problem is you smothered her. You were focused on a relationship and locking her down, basically acting like a girl. And so, that ruins the sexual polarity. As a man, what is the first thing that happens when we see a girl we like? We think about sticking a part of our body inside of her. I mean, that’s the bottom line. We’re thinking, “Oh, I’d like to hit that.” That’s what you’re thinking. You’re thinking sex right away. Boom!

But there’s a process. There’s hanging out, having fun while you’re hanging out, and then the hooking up, that happens after the first two things. So, there is a process, and you’re trying to rush it. You’re trying to force things, that’s why you got pushed away. You were smothering her and you were trying to force her into a relationship, because you were afraid of losing her. Just like you said, you became needy.

But at the end of the day, you could tell he’s pursuing too much, he’s too into her and she’s not as into him. But since he exercised self control and waited, eventually, she came back. And what will get in the way of her coming back even harder for you is you starting to call and text her again, trying to move things along faster. That’s why if you let her do 100% of it, it’s all on her. Then she reaches out to you as her attraction grows. Then if the girl is chasing you, you don’t have to worry about pushing her away. But you’ve got to read the book. You’ve got to learn the material. Don’t be calling, don’t be texting this girl when she does things like this.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.