Why Did She Reject Me After She Pursued Me?

Some reasons why a woman will seem interested when she pursues you, but then she goes cold.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl in college at a house party. He’s read 3% Man about seven times. On two different weekends she seemed to show up and put herself into his orbit. The 2nd time they talked and hung out for an hour or so. They exchanged numbers and she texted him after rejecting his offer to go back to his place saying she wasn’t that easy.

A few days later he tried setting a date and she was noncommittal and vague. Now he is confused because she was the one who started pursuing him to get his attention and now she seems uninterested. He wants to know what happened. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer, a college guy, and he says he’s read 3% Man about seven times. What’s interesting is, it sounds like he’s either at a house party or maybe a fraternity party. Maybe he’s a frat bro. If you’re in a fraternity, there’s usually lots of girls around. They get together, the sister fraternity gets together with the guy fraternity, and they do events, they do socials, and it’s great for your social life.

What’s beautiful about college is you are never, ever again in your life going to be surrounded by as many beautiful, single women that are ready to experiment and have a good time as you will be when you go off to college. So guys in college that have my book, I wish I had it in college, things would have been completely different, but you know, this is why I get to live vicariously through the young guys that are going through that now.

This particular guy, he notices one week and this girl just seems to kind of show up and put herself into his orbit. He didn’t really do anything that first time. He just kind of noticed it. They hung out for a bit and then like the next week he was at another party and same thing. She shows up and this time she really kind of lingered and they end up talking and dancing, and at some point they exchanged numbers. He invited her to come back to his place. She says, “I’m not that easy,” winks at him. They exchange numbers and she even texted him after they exchanged numbers. So he’s thinking, “This girl likes me. We’re going to go out. It’s going to be awesome.” Then he tried to set a date and all she does is tell him how busy she is and she’s got this going on. She’s got that going on.

The bottom line is she wouldn’t set the date and he’s gone, “This doesn’t make any sense. “She’s approached me twice, two different weekends and hung out with me and lingered. It seems like she likes me. She shows signs that she likes me. We exchanged numbers and then she’s too busy to make a date.” He’s like, “That doesn’t make any sense.” So he’s like, “What happened Coach?”

Something to keep in mind when these kinds of things happen is, you got to assume in college, if she’s a pretty girl, you’re not the only guy she’s talking to. There might be an ex in the background. There might be Chad Thunder Cock that she’s hooking up with and having great sex, but he’s not really good boyfriend material, and he’s kind of a dick, and he only seems to want to come around when he wants to get laid. She’s hoping things are going to progress with him, but they never really seem to. Then boom, you’re at a fraternity party and then you meet her. So those things are going to be going on in the background.

Most of the time you’re not going to really get the 411 on what’s really going on. So you should always kind of assume that there’s probably other dudes that she’s talking to. If somebody seems to be this hot for you and all of a sudden they go cold, it’s typically not necessarily because of something you did, but just because of the other guy and the amount of time that she has with him and what her feelings are. In other words, her feelings are stronger for the other guy than they are for you. If she was with him a long time, from a leverage perspective, you’re always going to lose.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

I have a few questions about a unique situation (at least in my experience). So, I’m young and in college so social life is pretty rampant. I’ve read 3% Man about seven times. My previous relationship ended about a year ago, and since then I haven’t felt an ounce of feeling towards a single woman I’ve been with (which has been a lot since I’ve been trying to find someone who I really deserve). However, everything changed this past weekend. 

A little over a week ago, at one of our bigger social events, this drop-dead gorgeous girl put herself into my orbit. We met briefly, but I didn’t think much of it as there were a lot of people there and a lot going on. Then, this past weekend, she just kind of appeared next to me again.

What a coinky-dink!

This time, we spent a few hours together talking, dancing, just having so much fun. This was the first time I really felt like I had my socks knocked off and I really just enjoyed hanging out with her. Like you said in the book, for the first time I could, “Feel the attraction.” It was unlike anything I’ve experienced. I invited her over, but she said “I’m not THAT easy” with a wink.

I’d say, “Well, all the more reason for you to come over and I can do my my best to convince you why you and I should get together, why it’s meant to be. We have so much chemistry. Oh, come and have a glass of wine with me,” and she still says, “No,” then “All right. Some other time,” and then you let her go. So what does he do next?

I also couldn’t go for the kiss because it just wasn’t the right environment.

Survey says…

You should have gone for the kiss if she’s there. That tells me you’re holding back. That tells me you’re worried about what other people think. If there’s girls hanging out with you, she’s playing with her hair, touching your arm and you’re that close and she’s bumping into you, all you have to do is the kiss test.

How does that work? It’s in the book, but you look into her eyes like I’m looking into the camera, and then slowly at her lips, and then into her eyes, and then back down at the lips and then back at her eyes as you’re talking. If she does this, if she looks at your lips when you look at hers, that means she’s thinking about kissing you, and then you should go for it and you won’t get rejected. If you hesitate, you will masturbate, padawan. That’s right out of the book. So that’s a fuck up there.

So these little things like that, if she can tell you like her and then, “Oh my God, what is everybody going to think if I go for the kiss?” Well, if all the signs are there that she’s down to be kissed, you probably could have started making out and then go, “Hey, why don’t we get out and go back to my place?” That’s what you should have done. That is the progression that is listed in the book. The inviting the girl back to your place comes after kissy-poo and heavy, heavy petting, but there was no kissy-poo and no heavy petting. Then he invited her back to his place. So from the book’s perspective, that is out of sequence, padawan. So that’s a mistake.

So what you’re communicating, whether you realize it or not, is you didn’t have the balls to go for the kiss because you’re worried about what other people think. That is not being courageous. That is being beta and shrinking, instead of being an alpha and going for it. The alpha male would have gone for it and wouldn’t cared. If she had turned her head and given you the cheek, then you would have just gone and talked to some other cute girl there.

However, we exchanged numbers, and she was the one who initiated contact and texted me later that night. She simply texted, “Leaving now.” At this point I was elsewhere (big party tons of friends there), and my phone was dead, so I didn’t see it until the next morning.  

How do you guys fucking go out for a full evening and have a dead fucking phone? I mean, seriously, come on, that’s some common sense. You don’t leave the house with your your phone on like 5%. That’s just dumb, but he’s young. He’s young, dumb and full of cum, as we would say back in my day.

It was vague, but judging by her actions (she still reached out, was initiating physical contact, constantly smiling, continuously coming back to where I was throughout the night, etc.)

At the end of the day, when it was time to go for the kiss, you folded like a cheap deckchair. Not good.

I figured her attraction was at LEAST a six. So, I used it as an opportunity to set a date, and asked when she was free to get together. She said, “wow I really didn’t expect this one” and essentially said she’s super busy the rest of the week (honestly gave a valid reason – she had a huge daily commitment for an organization she’s in)…

If it was Justin Bieber and he’s asking her to hang out, what do you think she’s going to be saying? “Oh, I’m going to clear my schedule for you.” That’s what would have happened. Attraction cuts through everything, and it could have been when you were probably looking around going, “Oh, I kind of want to kiss her.” You looked a little nervous and you didn’t go for it. So instead of showing confidence in a moment that you needed to show confidence, you shrunk, and she realized, “He didn’t have the balls to go for a kiss.” Because now she’s. “Oh, I didn’t expect this one either.” She didn’t think you liked her, or maybe she was starting to think you were gay, I don’t know, or that you didn’t have any game. Could be.

…And wasn’t sure if she’d have the time.

So in other words, she’s doing everything but make it easy to go out on a date with her. She’s just basically, “I’m too busy.”

So what does that tell you? She’s not really interested in setting a date. Maybe there’s another guy. Maybe it’s partly because you didn’t go for the kiss. You were a little timid. Remember, this is the guy that was bragging how he’s just been hooking up with girls left and right. Yet, here’s a girl he really likes, and instead of kissing her when it seems obvious she’s ready to be kissed, he’s worried about what other people think, and he didn’t go for it.

Right after, she looked up my name and requested to follow me on social media (which was odd, figured maybe she was trying to make me feel better).

Well, it shows there is some interest there, and the fact that she’s like, “Oh, I’m busy this whole week,” it’s probably because she’s busy hanging out with Chad Thunder Cock, or one of some other frat bro that she has known longer and likes more, and is hoping that things progress with him. This is why it’s so important not to burn the bridge. Just let it be.

I responded with the takeaway which showed how low her attraction really was…

Remember, he’s trying to set a date and she’s like, “Oh, I’m busy, I got this thing.” He’s like, “No problem. We’ll just do it some other time,” and she goes, “Sounds good.”

So from her actions and as the book would say, she didn’t set a date and she didn’t back up and go, “No, no, I really want to see you. She’s just like, “Yeah, sounds good. Some other time.” So for whatever reason, that moment in time, she’s not interested in seeing you on a date. That’s the bottom line.

For whatever reason, it sure seemed like she was interested. If I’m a betting man, there’s probably some other guy who acted more manly who probably went for the kiss instead of shrinking like you did. That could have been all the difference. So don’t tell me that you’re a ladies man and all these women are coming to you, and then you have an opportunity to kiss a girl who’s clearly interested, and then you’re too afraid to go for it.

I can tell when somebody is kind of puffing themselves up and, “I’m a stud. I’m usually always really good with the ladies, but this one’s really got me perplexed, Coach.” I can see through the bullshit guys. I can tell when other guys get it, and we can also tell when they don’t.

…As when I mentioned doing another time she said, “Sounds good!”

So this is something else that he thinks that happened.

It should also be noted I did end up going home and hooking up with a different girl later in the night, and she might have found out about that and felt betrayed?

Nope, because you tried to set a date and she wouldn’t set a date. Simple as that. You invite her to go hang out with you at your place, she said no, so obviously her interest wasn’t high enough.

At the end of the day, tough shit. You try to set a date, you try to give her the greatest gift you can give anybody, which is the gift of your time, and she said no. So the fact that you went home and fucked another girl, presuming you’re telling the truth, then too bad.

I wouldn’t think that would even be a bad thing if she did find out, so I have no clue. 

Yeah, I wouldn’t say that’s an issue at all, because it’s clear before you went home with this other girl, she didn’t want to spend time with you. She’d made up her mind at that point. Maybe she’s just down to exchange numbers and she’ll get in touch if things don’t work out with the other guy.

But basically, there had to be a shift at some point, if she wanted to see me, she’d free up time to do so.

This is correct.

Unless I was just so entranced that I grossly misjudged her attraction (which I really don’t think is the case), there was a major shift to well below a five.

Well again, the one thing I noticed is you didn’t go for the kiss. The other thing is you did things out of sequence. Remember, hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and then hook up. The hook-up comes at the end.

So you tried to go right to the bedroom before you started kissing and heavy petting and all those things. Again, this is laid out in the book, and you claimed in the beginning of your email that you were pretty much a ladies man, but at least the way you interacted with this girl, you didn’t seem to be acting like a ladies man. Then you went home with another girl, which may or may not be true. I don’t know, but maybe it is true. I wouldn’t worry if you did go home with this other girl. I wouldn’t be worrying about it.

Again, all that stuff happened after this girl rejected you. The bottom line is you’re living in the present moment, and you tried to spend time with this girl and she wasn’t having it, so she didn’t want the greatest gift you could give her, which was the gift of your time. So you gave the gift of your time to somebody else. That’s her loss. It’s too bad.

Not sure what the deal with that is.

Bob

So what I would do in this particular case, I never call, never text her again for any reason. If she reaches out again in the future and is like, “Hey,” which is probably what she’ll say, “Hey,” a woman’s favorite pickup line, assume she wants to see you. I was like, “Hey, awesome to hear from you. What’s your schedule like? I want to see you,” and see if she’ll make a date, she either will or she won’t. If she goes, “Oh, work’s crazy. School’s crazy. I got this organization I’m involved in. I’m just not sure right now.” Then I would just go, “Hey, no problem. We’ll figure out your schedule and then get back in touch with me, and then we can plan something in. I gotta run, talk to you later,” and then get off the phone. Then from that point forward, I would never bring up getting together or going out on a date again. Well, maybe one more time.

If she reaches out, I would assume she’s checked her schedule and now she’s getting back to you because she wants to give you her availability. Say another week goes by and she’s like, “Hey,” then you’re like, “Hey, so what did you figure out in your schedule? When are you available so we can get together?” If she goes, “Oh, work’s crazy, school is crazy, I got this, I got that, I got this organization, I got this sorority thing here,” then in that case, never, ever bring up getting together again. Even if she texts you, then just follow the script in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

Like I said, other than those two little mistakes that I pointed out, you didn’t go for the kiss because you’re worried about what other people think. On top of that, you’re inviting her back to your place when you haven’t even done any kissy-poo yet. Those were the only two major things that I saw. I mean, she’s putting herself into your orbit. She even texted you after she left. So if I’m a betting man, if I’m in Las Vegas, I’m going to put my money on the fact that there’s some other guy that is preventing her from moving forward with you. She expresses her interest and wants you to know that she’s interested, but she’s, quite frankly, just not available.

If you look at her actions and you bottom line them, then her actions communicate, for whatever reason, she’s just not available to go out on a date. So I would do what I said earlier. If she reaches out, try to make a date. If she won’t make a date because she’s too busy, tell her to figure out her schedule and get back to you. If she does reach out a few days or a week or so later, after that, assume why she’s reaching out, because she’s contacting you to tell her availability to go on a date and then try to make a date. If she still won’t make it, then you’re never going to ask her again. She’ll have to bring it up first.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.