Why I Lost My Ex Of 3 Years & What I Can Learn From It

The importance of understanding why you lost your ex so you can learn from it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a recent coaching client who got dumped by his needy neurotic ex. He’s now going through the book and it’s opening his eyes to the mistakes he made that turned her off. He became a cold fish, took her for granted and stopped dating and courting her and making her feel heard and understood.

He shares what he learned. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This email is from a guy I had a coaching session with about a week, week and a half ago, and he got dumped by his ex-girlfriend, who was very needy, very neurotic, and he just kind of stopped dating and courting her, and he didn’t make her feel heard and understood. But really, it was a result of her needy, neurotic behavior. It’s like no matter how much he showed or told her that he loved her, it was never enough. She always presupposed the worst. She always presupposed whatever he was doing or not doing was a direct slight against her. She was very passive aggressive and us guys, we want to make our girls happy, and if she’s happy, we take credit for it. If she’s not happy, we blame ourselves. When a guy is with somebody for three years like this and no amount of reassurance is enough, eventually you get tired of it because you think, “No matter what I do, this girl is not happy,” and at some point, every guy is just gonna tap out and be like, “Fuck it” and stop trying.

He recently went through the book after our phone session. So he sent this email in because he’s obviously trying to figure out what he can learn from it, how he can get better. This time around, she was the one that dumped him, so now rejection breeds obsession. At the end of the day, just like I talked about on my phone session with him, even if she comes back and they get back together, unless she gets a therapist, works on her issues, works through them and overcomes this insecurity and this neuroticism that she has, it’s not going to get any better. He’ll get back together with her, it’ll be good for maybe 90 days, and he’ll get worn out all over again, because it’s tiring to date somebody like this. Especially if they won’t do anything about it.

It’s not your job to fix somebody or to save them. It’s their job to fix themselves. As Jim Rowan used to say, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me,” and so far, she wasn’t willing to do it, and everything was always his fault. Granted, he made mistakes, but it’s really hard to have an easy and effortless relationship with somebody who’s always getting upset and butt-hurt over perceived slights that you didn’t even know were going to upset her. It’s like she has unreasonable expectations and doesn’t tell you about them and then of course, you’re not going to meet them. Then she gets upset to you for not meeting her unreasonable expectations, as if you’re supposed to be a mind reader, but it is a good email to learn from because again, if you’re going to date somebody like this, they’re going to wear you out and eventually you just you tap out because no matter what you do, it’s not enough, they’re not satisfied, and us guys want to feel successful in a relationship, and when a woman is perpetually upset with you and butt-hurt over the most ridiculous things, as you’ll see, he includes some examples here, like one in particular when they first started dating, and man, that’s just tiring. It’s tiring to read.

You want a girl who’s easygoing, easy to get along with and who’s nice to you, and this girl is not that. She could improve herself, but so far she was unwilling to do anything, and now on top of that, she’s dating another guy.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Thank you for our coaching session together last week, it really opened my eyes about everything and I wanted to send an email after taking some time to look back and reflect on why I lost my ex of three years. When I watch your videos, I actually notice that a lot of the time, dudes act too needy, insecure and over-pursue their girlfriend. My situation is quite the opposite.

Well, in long-term relationships, what I see over and over and over, the guys do the same two things: They stop dating and courting her, and they don’t make her feel heard and understood. Women want to be in a love story. If you get busy or you’re trying to save money and your justification for why you don’t take her out on dates anymore as you’re trying to save money, catch up on bills or whatever, and she complains about it enough, eventually she’s going to tap out, give up and just assume you don’t care about her.

The courtship never ends. There’s a chapter in 3% Man that discusses this. If you don’t date and court your girlfriend or your wife, eventually some other guy will. Case in point. Look at Tom Brady.

From the moment we first started dating I did everything right, I showed interest, hanged out, had fun and hooked up and made her do the pursuing.

Well, at the end of the day, that was then. This is now. It doesn’t matter if you were a great boyfriend for the first year and a half. What matters is what you were doing those last few months you were together. You don’t get any credit for what you did in the years past. Women care about how they feel about you. If you were a great boyfriend in the beginning, but you slacked off and stopped doing these things, well that’s a you issue. No matter who you’re with, you’re going to have to do this. You’re going to have to continually date and court her if you want the relationship to continue to go well, and you got to make her feel heard and understood so the legs always stay open.

We were inseparable for a year and a half. We fell in love and I was never overbearing with her, I always let her come and go as she pleased and didn’t care if she went out with her friends. The problem was, eventually I got complacent. She is an insecure person who always needs constant validation, communication and reassurance. She would get mad if I didn’t text enough, and there was one time in the beginning of our relationship when we had a group pregame and she walked into a room and got mad at me for not immediately coming up to her to say hi, even though I was across the room full of people.

That’s just exhausting. Like, that’s a girl with self-esteem issues. What should have happened is he should have pulled her aside and said, “Look, your behavior is inappropriate. You don’t come in a room full of people and get mad, get upset and act like a lunatic.” If it was me in the beginning and a girl did this, I probably wouldn’t have gone out with her after that or I would give her one final chance, and if it ever happened again, I would have dipped because this is not normal behavior, but he really liked the girl and he thought, “I can fix her. I can work with this.”

She ran away, cried and went crazy.

Can you imagine that? Like, imagine your friends seeing that. It’s like, “Bro, what’s the matter with your fucking girl? What’s with this chick? She’s kind of nutty.” Don’t date a nutter.

She was passive aggressive and every little thing was a reason why I didn’t love her.

I’m amazed that you made it three years, dude. He’s a nice guy. He was a good dude, but like the chick just fucking wore his ass out.

I always took my time with her and let her talk and eventually she would come and tell me she’s sorry for being crazy and she’s working on it. Eventually, I sort of gave up because it never stopped.

There you go! Like I was saying in the beginning, us guys, in order to be happy in a relationship, we want our girl to be happy. If she’s happy, we feel successful. We take credit for that. If she’s unhappy, we feel like a failure and we blame ourselves for that. No matter what you do after several years, your girl’s always getting upset with you, you just give up, because no matter what you do, she’s going to be unhappy. So you’re like, why try?

I remember thinking to myself that maybe this wasn’t it or that we should break up.

You probably should have trusted that back then.

Eventually, I did break up with her and she begged for me back and I took her back hoping things would change.

Well, you got to set healthy boundaries. You say, “This has got to change. If you want another chance, you’re going to have to get a therapist, because I’m not fucking dealing with your neuroticism anymore. You got to be fucking nice to me. I’m not going to put up with it,” but he didn’t do that. So what he did was he enabled her behavior because he took her back and in essence, it communicated that all the previous times that had happened, he was OK with it because he still forgave her. He still put up with it, probably because she was hot.

I know that at the end of the day, all she wanted was to feel my love and I honestly just stopped courting her after a while and getting into arguments (Which is not what the book says).

Yeah, men who understand women don’t argue with them, but you can tell he just kind of tapped out. He just gave up, and any guy would. I know me, I wouldn’t have gotten three years with this girl. No way in hell.

I have to remember that if I really loved her I would’ve done it, but something always held me back and I just didn’t care.

It’s not that you didn’t love her. It’s no matter how much you loved her, it was never enough. She was never satisfied with your effort. This is a result of her dad doing a shitty fucking job raising her. He raised a daughter who was incredibly insecure, incredibly neurotic, probably because he was an emotionless zombie, or if he was even around or in the picture at all.

Her constantly getting neurotic never helped either; it just pushed me further and further away. Then she broke up with me six months later.

At first, I was sort of relieved but then I realized I loved her and wanted to get her back (Rejection breeds obsession).

Well, this time around, it wasn’t his idea to break up. It was her idea. Initially he was relieved. As I’ve discussed, especially with some of the girls in the podcast, is that guys think, “Oh, the relationship is over. Finally, I’m going to meet somebody else who’s much better, who’s way hotter, better for me.” Then if it doesn’t happen within 90 days, the guy starts freaking out, especially if he goes out on a few bad dates or the girls just don’t make him feel the way his ex did, then he starts thinking, “Oh, I lost the love of my life. I screwed up. Let me get her back,” because they give up after about 90 days. They can’t take the unknown, knowing when or if they’ll ever meet anybody that makes them feel that way. So they try to go back to what wasn’t working anyways.

I tried pleading and wanting to get back with her, but we still hooked up almost every other weekend, we got to a point where she told me she was going on dates and that’s when I told her that we shouldn’t talk anymore if she’s trying to do that.

Well, this is something that he just kind of ignored. So she’s the one that dumped him, he goes back to beg and plead, which further gives her more leverage and he’s starting to chase to pursue somebody that dumped him. Remember in the beginning, he let her do all the pursuing, and now he’s chasing after her, seeking her attention and validation and basically acting like a girl at this point, and that’s why it’s not going to work. It’s not going to be effective because he’s trying to get her back instead of following what was in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

Again, even if he did get back together with her, it’s not going to get any better unless she gets professional help. It’s not your job to fix or save your girl. They have to be willing to do it themselves. They have to recognize that they have a problem, and if they don’t, they’re not fixable.

Next weekend, she started blowing up my phone demanding me to come over but I was upset she was seeing someone and ignored her.

Again, when you’ve been dumped, the woman’s got to come to you for at least the first three dates in a row, but at this point, he wasn’t really following what I taught. He was just acting needy and desperate, like all the guys that do the same thing. Even though he talked about in the beginning how that wasn’t his issue, bt here we see, case in point, he’s trying to attract his ex, but he’s doing it in a way where he’s pursuing her. That’s why it doesn’t work.

Saw her again the next day drinking and she was being unpleasant and rude because I ignored her, so I walked away again.

Well, I don’t teach to ignore somebody, but you could tell he was just fucking over it, he didn’t want to deal with it anymore, and that’s what he is ignoring. I know I pointed that out in the phone session, but rejection breeds obsession, so none of that really matters at this point. Unless this girl gets a therapist and fixes herself, it’s not going to get any better with her. He’ll get turned off for exactly the same reasons if he ends up getting back with her.

Definitely hurt her feelings but I was upset. So I went back and texted her…

Again, he’s pursuing more.

…And she said we should talk in person. This is where I thought that there was hope because I came over…

Again, he’s going to her.

…And we hung out and she was being extremely nice and feminine.

If you get dumped, as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, she needs to be the one trying to earn another chance with you, but you can tell he was really trying to earn another chance with her. So she had all the leverage and power. Keep in mind, there’s another guy she’s already dating at this point, so she didn’t get rid of the other guy because after three years, it never got any better. As he continued to pursue, he’s literally chasing her into the arms of the new guy, as you’ll see, she does them pretty dirty in the end. Even still, he’s obsessed with getting her back, because rejection breeds obsession. On top of that, now she’s with another guy.

She was showing all signs of attraction and we ended up hanging out, having fun and hooking up four days in a row. She cooked for me, took a bath with me, made me coffee, told me I looked good, all signs of attraction. The problem was that I tried too hard to use the mindset of only “Hang out, have fun and hook up” and the idea that, “A woman is more interested in a guy whose feelings are unclear.”

Now, what you’re doing wrong here is you’re pursuing a woman who has a new guy and you’re trying to win her back. That’s the big problem. You’re getting all wrapped up in the things that she’s saying, as if that’s the reason for her loss of attraction.

So there were times where she sort of brought up how I made her feel, asked me if she looked good and tried to talk about stuff that was bothering her, but I brushed it off trying to play it cool.

Yeah, so here in this part, he’s not making her feel heard and understood. He’s just kind of being a cold fish. This is part of what happens when you don’t really know the book. You’re trying to course correct and you’re cherry-picking videos and it just doesn’t go well.

We had fun and there was a lot of humor and flirting, but now I realized that I never opened her up and made her feel the emotional side of things.

So you notice he’s blaming himself for everything here and completely ignoring her behavior. On top of that, ignoring that she was already dating and probably sleeping with this other guy. So she lined this other guy up while either they were still together or right after she broke up with him, or maybe that’s why she dumped him, is because she met somebody else and thought it was going to progress.

It was all surface level. On top of that, I was going to Japan and before I left I talked about exclusivity trying to lock her down again and she reluctantly said, “Let’s not talk about it…”

So he’s trying to lock her down to a commitment. Again, he’s not following what I teach at this point at all.

…And I pushed and she said there is no other guy and, “I’m not gonna hook up with anyone.”

Even though she had already told him about the other guy.

Two weeks later, after my Japan trip, I see her with another guy and she avoided me at a bar.

So this was when he got back from Japan. He’s thinking, “Oh, she’s going to reach out to me,” and she never did. Then three or four days after he’s back, he’s at a bar. One that she has been with him, at this bar, and she knows that he goes to this bar sometimes with his friends. So she shows up there with another guy. That’s not by coincidence. She’s doing that on purpose. She’s trying to rub another man in his face at this point, because she’s mad, she’s hurt and she’s basically trying to say, “Oh look at me, I’m with another guy,” because she purposely went there because she knew he might be there, or maybe his friends would be there and the message would get back to him, “Hey, I saw your ex with some dude.“

I made another mistake of texting her asking her for clarity and she just told me she wants nothing to do with me anymore…

So again, it’s when he got rejected he pursued. He did the opposite of 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Even though he was able to successfully hook up with her, it was all his idea and not her idea, and he just literally pushed her into the arms of this other guy. He wasn’t following what I taught.

…And I told her to let me know when she changes her mind. Looking back, I realized that the whole reason why we broke up was because I was a cold fish and was not there for her emotionally. She gave me a chance those four days before my trip to do that, and I only focused on being cool and grounded.

Well, at the end of the day, you were pursuing her at that point, and even though she was hanging out, having fun and hooking up with you, women care about how they feel. So you were in the role of the pursuer here, trying to basically fix what she fucked up, which is where you went wrong. Granted, you didn’t do these things, you didn’t make her feel heard and understood, but the problem was you’re totally pursuing after you get dumped, which is the exact opposite of what I teach in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

I tried doing this stuff when I was younger, and after 20 years of doing this and teaching this to thousands and thousands and thousands of dudes all over the world, it’s like guys who follow it usually get the girl back, and the guys that don’t that do what this guy did, they chased the girl out of their lives and usually into the arms of another guy. Usually the arms of the rebound guy.

This probably made her feel that I didn’t care and just wanted to have sex with her. I’m on my second read of the book now, but damn, looking back and reading your stuff made me realize how much I fucked things up, even when she gave me a chance to show her again. I still want her back, but at this point, there’s another guy in the picture.

Why would you want her back after all of that? Because you’re pursuing her and you’re validating that despite her neediness and her neuroticism, you still put up with it and were willing to put up with it. Even though she knew her behavior was inappropriate, you communicate it was OK because you kept pursuing and kept chasing.

My question is, what do you think went through her head while I was in Japan? How could she switch up especially after we had so much fun those four days? And what should I do from here?

You should do nothing. You’ve done enough. You’ve been continuing to pursue. The reason why you think it’s just because you went to Japan, but in reality, it was the weeks before you went away, you were doing most, if not all the pursuing, and you were begging and pleading with her to give you another chance. So you’re never going to be successful when you do that, but it’s hard to see that because you’re so wrapped up in how much you want her back, because rejection breeds obsession.

Also in those four days, she initiated contact with me first every time.

It doesn’t matter. You were the one that was begging, pleading and trying to get her attention and validation. You were driving to her instead of making her come to you. Just because she calls you doesn’t mean that all the other mistakes were totally OK.

Basically she also said that I made her a shell of a person and didn’t want to go through what I put her through again. When I asked her what was going on. She told me while we were hanging out that we should do this and that and that we’ll see each other after Japan and now it’s a complete switch and another guy, which definitely hurts.

Bob

Well again remember, you’re dealing with a woman who’s not normal, who’s not healthy and she’s extremely needy and insecure. So she gets a burr up her ass that you don’t care what she do. She just goes and hangs out with another guy and then shows up at the bar that she knows that you often frequent with your friends, and they’ve even taken her there on dates, so there was no way you were going to get her back with your approach. Even if she was, in those last couple of days, the one reaching out to you first, the damage had been done. The other guy was in the picture at this point. So what’s done is done.

Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. I personally would not get back together with this girl unless she agrees to go see a good therapist and work on this, because she’s going to drive you crazy all over again if you get back together with her, because her behavior clearly is not going to change and you’re enabling her to stay that way, because it doesn’t seem like you learned anything from this, that you’re just willing to continue to put up with it and blame yourself for all of her behavior. This girl needs to fix herself. It’s not going to work if she doesn’t fix herself, because you’ll get tired all over again and stop making the same effort. Then it’ll just spiral out of control and then another breakup.

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