What you should do and what it means when she is not as responsive and into you as before.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who has been cherry picking from my videos for a while, but only recently started reading my book. After a couple of great dates and sex, she seems to be becoming distant. He wonders why.
The second email is from a viewer who has been watching my videos and reading How To Be A 3% Man for years. He recently got ghosted by a woman who seemed to be really interested in him. He asks what happened. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
Pretty much all guys that have dated women, especially in the beginning when they’re getting to know somebody, they may have noticed that women seem to be kind of hot and cold – really into you, and then there’s other times where they seem like they’re kind of lukewarm or even bored or less interested in them. And what happens with guys that don’t know any better, they start thinking there’s something wrong and trying to figure out if there’s something wrong, and then they start chasing and pursuing when the woman backs up. And then, what happens when they do that is she seems to become less interested.
If you’re going to date women, you’re going to notice these things happening. And if you do the wrong thing, you’re going to communicate that you’re needy and you’re insecure and you don’t have your act together. Then, what will happen is when the women sense that and feel it, they’re going to back away more and test even more. And you’ll notice a loss of attraction, instead of an increase in attraction. Because the more a woman likes you, the more she wants to spend time with you.
The key in all of these kinds of situations is not to get butt-hurt and not to get upset. Because what it communicates is that her actions are driving you crazy. And if a woman is going to trust you and you’re going to become her rock and her mountain that she is going to depend upon for emotional, mental, spiritual and physical support, she’s got to feel like her moodiness, her good days and her bad days, you’ll love her through all of them and not freak out, not become weak, not become unglued, not become uncentered and lose your shit on her. And if you do, which a lot of guys that don’t know any better do, it’s going to make her feel unsafe. And when women feel unsafe, they’re going to back away.
It brings up a good point; hang out, have fun and hook up – what I talk about all the time. This is why men need to focus on creating the next opportunity for sex to happen. There’s nothing in there about a relationship or locking her down to a commitment. You’ve got to be easygoing, unperturbed, nothing bothers you. I really go into detail in explaining this in my book, How To Be A 3% Man. And if you’re new to my work, you can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you have to do is subscribe the email newsletter and you can read it right in your web browser.
I have been watching your videos for a while now, and I am in midst of reading your book. And I plan to go through the end.
Well, if you’ve been watching my videos for a while and you’re just now getting around to the book, what typically happens is, as guys watch the videos, they cherry pick, they get some success, and then when they get into a situation like this with a girl they really like, because they haven’t read the book yet, they’re making it way harder than it needs to be. So, this is what happens when you don’t follow instructions.
Here’s the stuff: I met this great woman, great career, smart & funny, great body. She is ticking all the boxes I am looking for, (at least in appearance). We were introduced by mutual friends and I got her phone number. We exchanged a few pleasantries, and I set a time to meet her for a drink.
Well, this is typically how the average guy happens to meet somebody they get serious with. They get introduced through friends; they go to a friend’s cookout or birthday party, or something for their kids, and they meet somebody there. Or they’re just hanging out at a bar with some friends, having drinks and food, and boom, it just happens. Most people are not doing cold approaches, but those happen as well. You can just bump into somebody in the grocery store, or walking down the street, or at an art gallery, or at the gun range.
So, he made a definite date, which is good – direct, decisive. And because they were introduced through mutual friends, there’s already social proof there. She already feels safe and comfortable. It’s not like some dude that she met on Tinder that she doesn’t know.
No expectations, I just was looking forward to meeting someone new. As it turned out, the date went great and she suggested a date for our second date, (dinner this time). The second date was a great continuation of the first one. I felt a strong connection and I made a move to kiss her. She reciprocated and asked me to spend the night at her place.
Hang out, have fun, hook up, that’s it. Create an opportunity for sex to happen. Even when you’re married and you’re together 10, 15, 20 years, the courtship never ends. There’s a chapter in my book titled that. That’s the simple formula. Because girls just want to have fun, just like the old Cyndi Lauper song from the 1980s. Hang out, have fun, hook up. If she smiling and she’s laughing, she’s having a good time when she’s with you, that’s what she’s going to associate with being with you. No matter what happens, you’re unperturbable, like James Bond.
We made out and had lots of great sex. After I left, I texted her saying I had a great time and she said she was hoping to see me again. Then after, no third date was set up and she seemed a bit more distant. I gave her a couple of days and sent a text saying, “How you doing? When are you free to meet up next?” Then she replied that she was pretty busy with work and having a girlfriend over and she suggested we try the following week or the weekend.
So, typically, guys see that and they’re thinking, “We just hooked up and had all this great sex. She should be jumping out of her skin to see me again.” But instead she’s like, “Oh yeah, let’s get together next week.” Now, it’s possible the sex wasn’t very good. Maybe you had bad breath, I don’t know. Maybe you snore really loud, like I do. But you can’t take it personal.
And this is where guys start to freak out. They think, “We just hooked up and had all this great sex. What’s wrong? Why is she not excited to see me? Why is she not ready to have my children yet? What’s going on? Why is she not proposing? What’s going on?” You can’t take it personal.
Women are like cats. They get a little bored, “Oh, yeah. Well, we can get together next week. I’m gonna hang out with my girlfriend this week.” Never take it personal. This is just how it goes. This is the way they are. It’s like the weather. It could be that time in the month, she could have some stuff going on, there could be another dude in the picture. You might have been one of two or three guys she was talking to. You just don’t know. James Bond is not bothered, either way. He has the attitude of “She’ll be back.” I even did a video called “She’ll Be Back.” Check it out.
But I can’t help asking myself what made her a bit more distant.
Well, women are like cats. And if you had read the book like instructed, 10 to 15 times, you wouldn’t be going, “Corey, I don’t understand what’s going on.” He cherry picked enough to get laid. “I don’t need to read the damn book, Corey. I’m smarter than all the rest of these schmucks.” But you were wrong.
I know there is another guy involved. (She was transparent about meeting her ex for a drink who cheated on her after 3 months.) So, maybe that’s why.
Again, you don’t take it personally. Because look at it from this perspective; she’s got you, who she knows likes her, and she’s got the ex who’s probably trying to get her back. Now, she’s got two guys. As the old saying goes, one is no choice, two is a dilemma, three is a choice. She’s got you and him, so what’s she going to do? She’s got to figure out who the strongest, most masculine, unperturbable guy is. And so, what happens? “I don’t know what to do. I’m confused.” So, you’ve got to let her be.
This is like the moment where, if you’ve ever been hanging out with a cat, the cat jumps in your lap, it’s purring, and you’re petting it for a while. And after a while, you’re still petting it, it’s purring away, and it stops purring. It just decides it doesn’t want to be pet anymore, and it leaves. And if you go chasing after it and pick it up and put it in your lap, it’s not going to like that. And that’s basically where you’re at here.
You can’t be bothered. And the reality is, if she has an ex, she’s got more time in with this guy, so she’s more emotionally bonded to him than she’s going to be with you. And that’s why you don’t take it personally. Because she’s going to be backing away and testing both of you to see which guy loses their shit, or maybe both of you lose your shit. She wants to know that you’re not bothered, you’re not perturbed.
I am really into her, (yes, only after 2 dates), and it’s driving me crazy that she is not as responsive as before.
Well, you did this to yourself, bro. You didn’t read the book. You’re just now reading it when you’re in the middle of it. And this is why I tell you to read the damn book 15 times, but you didn’t listen. So, you did it to yourself.
Especially after we had a great date and a great night. So, I am going to resist the temptation to text her, ask her out again, as I may come off as needy.
All she said was, “Hey, let’s try for the following week.” You could have said, “Okay, well, let’s plan a day and time.” Because, again, if you’re in sales, anybody from sales knows this, you want to nail your prospect down to a definite day and time to get together, so you can give your sales pitch in person, and then they’ll sign on the dotted line. In this case, you’re selling yourself. You don’t get butt-hurt and go, “Oh, I’m never calling her again.” That’s not what you do.
She told you when she’s available, so get in touch then, text her then and say, “Hey, I want to see what your schedule is like. I’d love to see you again.” And if she goes, “Oh, I’m not sure. I’m hanging out with my girlfriend. I’ve got this, I’ve got that,” just say, “Hey, no problem. It sounds like your schedule is pretty busy. Why don’t you get in touch when things open up? I’d love to see you again,” and then leave it at that. And then, at that point, I wouldn’t call or text her again for any reason.
But to just throw your hands up and go, “Oh, she’s not excited to see me. I’m never calling her again. She’s going to have to call me,” it’s not the way to go. But again, you haven’t read the book, so you don’t know what you’re doing. And this is what happens. You cherry pick, you get confused, and everything you’re doing, you’re trying to game and manipulate her. And that’s just not a good way to go about it.
At this point, I am thinking to give her some space (no texts)…
Yes, the phone is for setting dates, not chit-chatting. So, you need to knock off the bullshit texting.
…and check with her again within a week or so.
That is the correct response. You shouldn’t be going, “I don’t understand what’s going on.” This is so obvious, it’s so predictable. They pretty much all behave this way. And you’re getting butt-hurt and you’re getting perturbed when you shouldn’t.
Because, what’s happening? Where is your go-to? Where do you live emotionally? You’re automatically assuming something is wrong and she’s not going to like you. And this is what happens when guys get in that situation. They assume that she’s not going to like them and they act that way. And then, they basically act unattractive. And when you have an ex in the picture that she’s still talking to, that she’s more emotionally bonded to than you, and you act that way, you’re literally going to drive her back into his arms. That’s why you’ve got to be unbothered. And you should be dating other women.
This story probably sounds similar to what you have heard, but the fact that on the second date she asked to stay at her place is interesting. Maybe she was planning to get laid, but I know for a fact that she is also looking for something serious, (she is 37).
I am looking for your precious input on that one.
Well, you already wrote here what to do. You said, “At this point, I’m thinking to give her some space, no texts, and check with her again within a week or so.” Yeah. Maybe you wait two weeks to get back in touch, just to stretch it out a little bit longer. Because, again, she said she’s not available this week, but maybe next week.
Maybe, with you’re schedule, you’re not available next week, so you get in touch the week after. Maybe in two weeks, you reach out to her. And if she says, “Oh, I wondered why you hadn’t gotten in touch,” then say, “Oh, was your phone broken? You could have called me. But yeah, sorry. I was real jammed up last week. I didn’t have any time, and I knew you were busy with your girlfriend anyway. But I would love to see you. When are you available?” That’s all you got to say.
You’re in a good spot right here, dude, but you’re just freaking out over nothing. And you’ve got to remember, there’s an ex in the picture who is probably trying his best, and more than likely he doesn’t know any better and he’s over pursuing. And if you just hang back and chill out, he’ll probably chase her right into your arms.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’ve been following you for years and still read 3% Man. I literally go to bed listening to your book or videos to get these teachings engrained in my brain. I’d love to get your opinion on my latest romantic encounter, (or mis-encounter).
I work in the nightclub business and I hired a dancer/performer to perform for me in the summertime. I was getting kinda flirty vibes from her after she performed, but she was with some older guy and didn’t think much about it.
You’ve got to keep in mind, hot young women like this have got lots of dudes in their lives, lots of guys after them, and she’s going to choose the strongest, most masculine one. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. The turtle always wins these races. When it comes to the ladies, you’ve got to think and act like a turtle, going slightly slower than she is, so it winds her up and builds the sexual anticipation. And then, she comes over and sucks the tongue out of your throat.
Fast forward to a holiday party last year, and I bump into her. She’s very popular in our scene, has a big social media following and everyone loves her.
She knows she’s hot, she knows she’s desired, but she’s looking for a man who’s extremely strong and confident, because she’s got choice.
We chit chat, and she talks, and after some back and forth she surprisingly asked if I was single.
That communicates she’s interested. When a woman asks you about your relationship status, it’s because she’s interested in you.
I was kinda dating someone, so I kind of just ignored it. Then last month, I needed a performer and I hired her for a gig. She accepted and did amazing. She hung around that night of the event and gave me a little kiss on the mouth, and later that night we went in the back green room and made out for a few minutes. She said I should ask her out on a date. So the next day, I do just that. We kinda had a little back and forth over text but mostly ironing out logistics.
So, here’s the other thing you’ve got to consider. Part of making a date also, is what happens if things go really well and she’s ready to hang out, have fun and hook up? You should always think from the end, “Where are we going to be later when she’s all over me and ready to hook up?”
This is important, and lot of guys don’t think about that. And I don’t think this guy did either, even though he claims to have been following me for a while and he’s read 3% Man, probably countless times. But when I look at his actions and the fact that he wrote this email in the first place, he doesn’t sound like a guy that really knows the material that well. Or maybe he’s read it a lot, but just hasn’t had much practice.
Our date happens and it was really great. Just talking, getting to know each other. She said she “doesn’t date” and kinda falls into relationships.
Well, that’s her perception of it, “It just kind of happens.” It happens with the guys that know what they’re doing.
She also said she considered cancelling our date because of this reason.
Maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not. Maybe she threw it out there just to see. Because, remember, this woman has a lot of men in her life and a lot of men are after her. She’s trying to separate the men from the boys. Are you going to get upset and butt-hurt, or are you not bothered? So, when she says, “Oh, I considered canceling our date,” it’s like, “Yeah, whatever. You couldn’t resist me. You were missing my lips too much. And I wouldn’t want you to be denied. I don’t want you to torture yourself.”
We end up going to a bar afterwards where we made out. More talking and connecting. As the night was winding down, she asks about setting up the next date, (she’s been initiating a lot of things thus far). So, I tell her sure, I’m going out of town this weekend though to visit family but wanted to see her when I got back. This is on a Wednesday. We kiss and she goes off in her taxi.
It doesn’t sound like you planned ahead to potentially be hooking up. That’s the logistics of sex, dude. It’s your responsibility.
On Friday, she posts a photo of her at my event saying she was happy to perform for my company. I’m thinking all good signs so far. I fly off and text her on Monday. This is where things go sideways, and I’d love to get any feedback. So, at the point neither of us have texted since the date.
But on Monday morning this is what I say: “Greetings from (USA city). Hope you had fun this weekend going out of town (and at your performance Saturday). I wanted to see if you would be down to get together Thursday or Sunday.” Silence. Then Wednesday, she posts this hot pic of herself on social media with her in a bra, (she’s done a lot of modeling). So, I know she’s not dead.
At the end of the day, dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net, and what did you get? Silence, nothing. So what do you do? She’s got to hit the ball back. If she didn’t want to hit the ball back, obviously, she doesn’t want to play tennis with you anymore. So, go play with somebody else.
You want a woman who’s like, “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you.” And she’s already told you she’s kind of flaky. She just “falls into relationships.” She thought about canceling. You want a woman who’s like, “I really want to see this guy.” That’s what you want. But you’re not seeing that. And typically she probably does that to every guy, and most guys get upset and keep calling and keep texting, get mad at her.
But the reality is you’ve got to look at our actions. If you bottom line her actions, she doesn’t sound too excited to see you, does she? Even though she asked to see you at the end of that last date. And a woman that has this much male attention in her life, who knows? There could have been a guy she has been screwing for months, and you just don’t know what you don’t know. So, I would do nothing.
Now I have officially been ghosted.
It’s only been a few days, dude. You need to relax. But it is rude to just ignore you. And so, that should tell you something about her character. Women that just ignore you like that, they’re either just rude or they’re just not that into you. Either way, you’re looking for “Hell, yeah. I’d love to see you. That would be great. I’m so glad you called, so glad you got in touch.” But you’re not seeing that. You’re going, “Eh.”
So, I just want to make sure I’m cleaning up my game to see why she didn’t write back. Possible reasons:
A) Because I didn’t text anything for 4 days after our date, (she actually said she’s not a big texter and doesn’t like to text back and forth all day).
In other words, she likes guys that use the phone for setting dates. I’d say the four days, it doesn’t matter. You were out of town.
B) Something I said over text?
Well, what you shared, it’s not a big deal.
C) She has her own personal stuff going on that has nothing to do with me.
D) She met someone else?
You’ve got to assume there’s other dudes in the picture.
Whether I ever hear from her again, I need to know that I did everything right and what to clean up for next time.
Well, the only thing I would critique, really, was the logistics of sex. It doesn’t seem like you did anything. Because, as the book says, two to three different places you go in the evening, and when you’re all over each other, that’s when you invite her to go back to your place. And so, you’ve got to think about that second or third place where you’re going to be. How close is it to where you live? If you’re an hour away, then you’ve got to think about that. If she’s going to meet you halfway somewhere, where you’re only twenty minutes from your house, you’ve got to think about these things. And it doesn’t look like you considered that.
A lot of guys are shocked when they apply what’s in the book. They think, “Oh, there’s no way I’m getting laid tonight.” And then they’re all over each other, but they’re so far away, and it’s late in the evening, and it’s not close. And then it doesn’t happen. So, you should assume it probably will happen, but it may not. But if it does, if the possibility is there, you want to be ready.
You also want to make sure your apartment or your house is clean and not having crap everywhere. Guys do that too. The girl comes over and there’s dishes in the sink from two weeks, the garbage isn’t taken out, the house is a mess. The dog’s got shit all over the house, it’s dirty. You’ve got to think about these things. You got to think from the end.
So, if I was to critique anything, it’s just the logistics of sex. As far as what you said to her, I would have just said, “Hey, I hope you had a great weekend. I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like this week? When are you free to get together?” Instead, “I wanted to see if you would be down to get together.” In other words, that’s kind of like, “Do you want to see me, or not?”
The confident guy says, “Oh, I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like? When are you available?” That sounds like somebody who’s used to getting what he wants. That sounds like somebody who is used to having people excited to see him. The way you phrased it, “I wanted to see if you would be down to get together Thursday or Sunday,” that could be improved. But at the end of the day, if she was super into you, it wouldn’t have mattered. You asked me to critique it, it’s just those two little things.
You’ve got to look at her actions, and if you bottom line her actions, she’s not that excited. You want somebody super excited. And she may become excited in a week or two when she hasn’t heard from you, but at this point, you hit the ball over the net and you’ve got to wait for her to hit it back. And she may or may not do that. Either way, you shouldn’t be bothered.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book coaching session with yours truly.
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“Women are like cats. They tend to be fickle, and when they get bored, they tend to disappear and roam the neighborhood. The more time they spend with you and the more comfortable they feel when they have your romantic interest when you first start dating, the more you will notice they occasionally seem to be less interested or even bored. Never take it personally. It soon will change, just like the weather constantly changes. Weak men get perturbed and butt-hurt. Strong men are unperturbed and amused, because they know she’ll be back, and if not, better will come.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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