What you should do if you’re wondering why is she still dating this other guy in addition to dating you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is getting a little possessive and jealous about a woman who he just started dating and sleeping with, who is also dating another guy she is probably sleeping with as well. When he tried scheduling the third date, she said that she felt like their seeing each other simply revolved around sex and that was not enough for her. That is when she told him that she was also seeing another guy.
He’s starting to question himself and worries that she will simply date and sleep with another guy if he screws up. He wants her to choose him over all other guys and asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Obviously, this guy is a little upset about this because he’s thinking, “Why is she even wasting her time with this other guy? Why isn’t she choosing me over him?” And you could tell, you’ll see as I go through the email, his mindset is all wrong in this. He’s in a scarcity type of mindset. In other words, he’s worried about losing this girl to another guy, instead of having the attitude of keeping his options open and looking at it from the perspective of, “Hey, may the best woman win.”
He already doesn’t like the fact that she’s dating and sleeping with multiple guys at one time, and he’s thinking, “Oh, I want this girl as my girlfriend,” but he’s only been out with her a few times. He doesn’t really know what she’s like. He doesn’t know her character yet. Because remember, people can hide who they are for about the first 90 days of a relationship.
This is common. What you see with a lot of guys is they make the determination that a woman is girlfriend or wife material based on looks and based on hooking up a few times, when they don’t really know what the person is like or if they even have the character and the integrity to have the kind of relationship that he wants to have. And you could see this is just the kind of mindset that causes a guy to over pursue and chase. And then he starts getting jerked around and then gets stuck in friend-zone while she continues sleeping with other dudes.
This mindset here is exactly the wrong kind of mindset you should have in this particular situation. It just goes to show our society is so driven for instant gratification and we have to know right now, we have to know for sure that we’re going to get that promotion if we spend the next two or three years busting our butt to demonstrate our abilities, our gifts, our skills, our talents to get noticed, so we get that promotion.
Or that a particular person is going to love us and want to have a relationship when they barely know us, we barely know them. Or going to the gym one or two times and then getting upset that you haven’t lost 100 pounds or 50 pounds or gotten totally in shape after a couple of times in the gym. All great things take time. And a big problem with our society is too many people believe that instant gratification is how you succeed in life. And the reality is, when it comes to success, everything is long in coming.
Can you help me understand what is happening with this girl I met on Tinder? The first two dates were great. We had sex every time and cuddled a lot.
Just because they have sex with you doesn’t mean they’re great relationship material. Really, you don’t know what you don’t know. It’s like you took a test drive a couple of times, and you’re like, “Hey, I kind of like the ride and feel this car.” It doesn’t mean you should belly up to the bar with a 60-month payment.
After asking her out the third time, she texted me that the feeling that this just revolves around sex is not enough for her and that she wants to be honest with me: besides me, she is seeing another dude.
This shocked me, because I thought that I showed her through my actions that I really like her.
Well, she did have sex with you, so what’s the problem? You hang out, you have fun, you hook up.
I stayed centered, asked her why she was thinking that she could just be sex for me and told her that she should do whatever she thinks she has to do.
Well, that’s a good response. And what’s also good, I like the fact that you were like, “Well, what do you mean? Why would you say that?” Because the worst thing you want to do, especially with a question like that, and then she says, “Oh, by the way, I’m seeing some other guy,” oftentimes, women are going to throw that out there to see how you react. Maybe they’re trying to figure out which one of you she likes the best.
And so, she mentions that she’s seeing another guy. What predictably happens is the guy tries harder. He actually tries to pursue her more and prove himself. And the crazy thing about that is, whoever does that less is typically who she’s going to feel more attracted to. And the reason she’ll feel more attracted to the guy who pursues less is because he’s indifferent.
He’s not threatened by another guy. He’s amused by it. “Oh, you’re seeing somebody else? Really?” And he finds reason to be humorous about it, not threatened in any way, shape or form. As a matter of fact, he might look at it and think, “Do I really want to keep seeing her?” If she would date dude like that, especially if she shows a picture or something or talks about him a lot. He might feel like, “Well, maybe I shouldn’t be giving her so much credit.”
Because the idea is that no matter what happens, you’re driving the fun bus, you’ve decided ahead of time how you’re going to be. And it doesn’t matter how she shows up or not, says I’m dating another guy or not. Or even if she gets upset that you’re not spending enough time together, in this particular moment, it’s like you’ve been out twice. That’s not enough to tell you anything. And you hooked up both times, so obviously, she’s kind of a free spirit. And like I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” most women sleep with a guy by the second or third date. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
If you look at all the older movies, I’m talking 50+ years ago, the women were always trying to get the best man for them. And nowadays, it’s completely flipped where what you see is the guys are all competing for the same top tier woman, and she has her choice. Whereas, a top tier guy is just living his life and crushing it, and women just seem to find him over the course of him living his life and being great. Because when you’re great, you don’t really have to go out and trumpet that to the world. It’s just, people find their way, especially women find their way to you. They hear about you. And that’s the right mindset that you want to be in.
After my message, her texting completely changed and we arranged our third date, which went great too, (after cuddling a lot we had sex, she wanted it). Tomorrow we are having our fourth date, but it kind of hurts that she is seeing another guy too.
Dude, it’s four dates in. You don’t know what you don’t know yet. You’re still test driving the car. And so, just because she’s seeing another guy, you shouldn’t let it bother you. At the end of the day, you’re going to keep going on your path no matter what happens, even if she chooses this other dude over you. You’re amused either way, because the goal is to date and test drive until you find somebody you really want to spend time with.
And just like I talked about in the quote, the right woman, the woman that you’re ultimately going to get serious with, it’s going to be easy and effortless and she’s just going to naturally going to gravitate towards you — as long as you’re applying what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man,” and not doing a lot of unattractive things to turn her off. And so, if she’s telling you about this other guy, more than likely she’s telling this other guy about you. And based on your behaviors between the two of you is going to determine which one she chooses, and she’s going to choose based on her feelings. And based on her feelings is, in other words, who demonstrates the most masculine strength characteristics. Who is going to keep on keeping on with their path.
In other words, you shouldn’t be threatened by another guy. You should look at it and think to yourself, “Okay, so she’s on Tinder, which is known as the hookup dating app.” So, you just have to assume that there’s probably lots of other dudes, and there’s a good possibility that she belongs to the streets! She might not be capable of being loyal. Maybe she’s got daddy issues. Maybe there wasn’t a dad growing up, and so she seeks a lot of attention and validation and has to have multiple men in her life, and she dates and sleeps with multiple men at the same time. You don’t know what you don’t know.
A good woman who values herself, who has lots of choices and lots of options, but is selective, is not going to be whoring herself out to every single guy that she matches with on Tinder. That’s just reality. Women that come from good families typically aren’t doing that. Women where there is no dad, or the dad was missing, or there was a bad relationship with the dad, she’s putting some mileage on them tires. And if you’re looking for somebody that values exclusivity in monogamy, make sure they come from an environment where they learn to value that and that their parents valued that. You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife, it’s like you don’t know what you don’t know, dude.
You have to slow down, because haste makes waste, especially when it comes to dating. You try too hard to do too much too soon, and she’ll end up backing away from you and spending more time with the other guy. I know it’s counterintuitive, especially with what you’re feeling right now. You’re feeling that you have to do something.
But I like how you asked her what she meant. You didn’t really elaborate on her answer, but it seems like her bringing that up was trying to see what your your interest was. Were you just treating her like a fuck buddy, or is there a potential for a relationship? So she’s kind of fishing to see where your head’s at, and she throws the other guy in the mix, because that’s usually enough to just cause most dudes to flip out and not be able to handle things. So it sounds like you did a good job of remaining calm.
I know that I just have to stay cool and let this other guy blow himself out of the picture, but I am really frightened that she will choose him.
I did a video a few months back called “Dare Her to Find Someone Better.” That needs to be your attitude. You want a woman who really wants to be with you, and obviously you can have peace of mind, if you’re applying what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man,” that you’re doing that. Because you can only control the controllables, that’s how you show up. That’s the important thing. And therefore, if you show up properly, then that’s going to put you in the best possible chance to create attraction between her, as well as other women that you have a shot with. And like I said earlier, may the best woman win your attention.
When you look at one of my favorite movies, “It’s A Wonderful Life,” old George Bailey, all the pretty girls in town were competing for him, because he was the man. He was the most eligible bachelor, and they went out of their way to get his attention. And the good girl, the one who had her sights set on him since they were kids, she’s the one that won him. The one who it was implied that she was a bit of a floozy and lots of guys are after her, he didn’t want to date her. Even though he was very kind to her and friendly towards her, he chose the wholesome woman, not the town whore, if you will.
She seemed unclear about my feelings, which caused her to go on dates with this other dude.
Bro, she was already going on dates with this other guy and probably plenty of other dudes.
I like this girl a lot, and it is killing me when I think about that – that she is showing this other guy the same affection she is showing me after sex when cuddling.
You don’t know what you don’t know, but just keep in mind, she belongs in the streets!
I don’t chat a lot with her. I just arrange dates, and when she contacts me after a date I simply arrange the next one.
That’s why you do it. That’s why you go through the progression, because you don’t know what you don’t know yet. By doing more things right than wrong, her attraction will grow, and as her attraction grows, she’ll become more revealing and then you’ll get to find out what is really going on with this other dude and any other guy that might be in the picture that she hasn’t mentioned to you yet. You don’t know what you don’t know.
Your job is to master the progression of dating, hang out, have fun and hook up. That’s it. Your job is just simply to create the next opportunity for sex to happen, hang out, have fun and hook up. And with enough time, you’ll get to see what her character is really like. Wouldn’t you want to be with a woman who’s as selective as you are, versus a chick that’s just hooking up with tons of random dudes because she didn’t get enough strokes from her daddy as a little girl? And now she seeks attention and validation in the arms and the bed of multiple men at the same time?
The more you date women that are that kind of promiscuous, the higher the likelihood is that you’ll get a gift that keeps on giving. All the guys that I’ve known over the years, even some that you would know if I mentioned their name, that sleep around a lot, they oftentimes get something that they have to go and get a shot for, and there’s consequences to living that way.
Another point that concerns me is that she is living in a big city one hour away from our hometown and therefore in times of dating apps has the bigger option pool.
It’s true, all a woman has to do is go on a dating app and she literally gets thousands of dicks thrown at her, especially if she’s really attractive.
Nowadays, a girl just needs to get a little bit bored and can easily arrange a date while watching TV.
That’s why you’ve got to make sure, if you’re looking for a relationship, you choose a good woman from a good family. Quite frankly, good women from good families nine times out of ten aren’t even going to be on the dating apps. That’s reality. Because she already has enough attention and validation, and she’s not going to share herself with just any swinging dick that comes along. She looks for something that is special, like the relationship that her parents have, and that doesn’t happen every day. It’s extremely rare. And so, good friends and good lovers are worth the wait.
Is there something more that I can do to cause her to reject the other guy(s), (you’ll never know), and completely focus on me? Will she tell me when she blows the other guys off?
Eventually, yes, if she starts bringing up being exclusive, but like I said, you don’t know what you don’t know yet, dude. The signs are there that she belongs in the streets, so she might be a great fuck buddy or friends with benefits or a sex playmate, but she might not be good girlfriend material. Because if she’s fickle and say you do become exclusive with her and then you start screwing up — maybe you make mistakes, because you’ve been together six months or a year — what happens when you screw up? Is she going to focus on you and working things out, or is she just going to start texting her male orbiters or get back on the dating apps? You don’t know.
You don’t know what you don’t know yet. It’s way too soon. You’re putting the cart way before the horse. You’re focused on “How can I get this girl to like me?” versus thinking from the same perspective that she is, “Do I like this girl? Is she good for me? Is she a good match for me? Would she make a potential good girlfriend?” And the reality is you don’t have enough data and you don’t have enough time with her, and you just simply cannot even be thinking about making that kind of a decision at this point. That is reality.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The majority of potential lovers and friends that you will encounter over the course of your life will come and go like the wind. They will never become a permanent part of your life. This is the way it is supposed to be. Only a select few belong in your life on a permanent basis. The right people will show up in the most unexpected ways and being with them will be easy and effortless. Most importantly, they will always make the effort to keep you in their lives, even when a substantial amount of time passes without speaking. Therefore, never get too attached to the drifters, poseurs and people who never really make the same kind of effort to keep you in their lives as you do to keep them in yours. It’s a privilege for people to be a part of your life, not a right.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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