Why Men Get Rejected When They Ask For A Relationship

Why men get rejected for a relationship and what to do instead.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s new to my work. He started dating and hooking up with a female client. After about three months he asked what are they doing and wanted a relationship. Days later she broke it off and suggested that they be friends.

He’s confused as to why she dipped so suddenly. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So I assume this guy is fairly new to my work and he had something happen. That’s pretty common, and probably most of us watching this have had this experience, some of us more than once when we didn’t know any better.

So I think he’s a mechanic and he started working on this woman’s car and she started texting him a bunch. She obviously liked him. They started hanging out. Eventually he started hooking up. So after about three or four months of dating, one night when they were hanging out, he’s like, “What are we doing?” In other words, it’s like another version of, “What are we?” That’s typically, as I discussed in 3% Man, the relationship is the woman’s department. When she’s ready to lock you down and be exclusive, she’s going to hint at it and do those things, but more often than not, most guys do that and they’re unable to tell if the woman is not thinking and feeling the same thing. So after he had this conversation with her a few days later, she called it off and said that they should just be friends. He was like, “No, thank you,” but he also asked her like, “Why go from hanging out, hooking up to ‘let’s just be friends’ like that?” Of course, she gave him an answer that didn’t make any sense.

So he writes in, and as I talk about in 3% Man, relationships are the woman’s department. The man’s job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, have fun, and hook up. All relationships come from casual hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, and when the woman’s emotionally ready and she feels safe, typically, if you’re following what’s in the book, that’s going to be around week six or week seven, she’ll start bringing it up, but if you’ve been dating a girl for three or four months and she’s never brought that up and you brought it up, well clearly you’re way more into her than she is into you, and you’re unaware of it. If you try to lock a woman down who just sees you as a casual friends with benefits, usually you’re going to get rejected and you’re going to hear the same excuses in the same words that this guy did.

So despite the fact he got rejected, it’s a good email to learn from and what he needs to do going forward to create the conditions where she potentially would go will come back to him and want to start seeing and dating him. So it’s obvious he was sick in relationship and she was happy with just things being casual.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I seen a few of your YouTube videos and recently been dating this chick but then she completely just changed up on me. 

When in reality, her interest wasn’t that high and you didn’t realize that until you basically asked her to be your girlfriend. Then obviously it made it really clear to her that you were way more into her than she was into you, and since she wasn’t feeling it, at the end of the day, women don’t care about what a great guy you are or in this case, what a great mechanic you are, how good you are in bed. What matters is how they feel about you. That’s the most important thing.

I (37-year-old male) dating (36-year-old female), confused after 3–4 months, need perspective. Met this woman through a friend. At first it was purely professional, she needed mechanic work. Later, due to an injury, she came to my place for the work and afterward started texting me a lot.

Well, it sounds like you gave her first class service. The VIP treatment.

We started hanging out, taking things slow at first, then eventually became intimate.

This is, quite frankly, how most relationships start. The problem comes in when the guy doesn’t realize that he’s way more into her than she is into him, and he’s only focused on how much he likes her and is unable to tell or ascertain that she feels or doesn’t feel the same way. Which is all detailed in the book.

So these things will become a thing of the past. And situations like this. When you take the time to read and master and learn the book, it’ll become a thing of the past and women will be asking you to be their boyfriend or hinting at it. Obviously, if she’s bringing it up, you’re not going to get rejected. If a woman is always chasing you, you don’t have to worry about getting dumped or rejected.

We dated for about 3–4 months. Things felt good, consistent hanging out, laughs, sex, mutual interest. Last time we hung out was great, park with her friends, food, back to my place, good night overall. Later that night, during a deeper conversation, I asked her directly, “What are we doing?”

Well, the other thing that’s the issue with that statement is you’re supposed to be the man and the leader, and it’s up to you to be direct, decisive, and get to the point. Create the opportunity for sex, but as far as the relationship goes, that’s the woman’s department. Masculine energy is purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers, overcoming challenges, overcoming a woman’s last minute resistance to seduction, that type of thing. Feminine energy is all about bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, dating, relationship labels, family, kids, nesting together, building a home together, that kind of thing.

So when the guy gets all up in his feelings and emotions and starts wanting to lock her down without paying attention to the fact that she’s not in the same place he is or is unaware, because he’s unable to tell, because he doesn’t know what to look for, nine times out of 10, he’s gonna get rejected and it’s gonna sting. So keep hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, but the, “What are we doing?” That should have been coming out of her lips. Shouldn’t have been coming out of yours. It’s OK to have a deep conversation, but you obviously got too serious too soon. Didn’t realize she just wasn’t feeling the same way.

I’m intentional with my time and wanted clarity.

Again, that’s how a woman thinks. You’re getting everything you need hanging out, having fun, and hooking up. It’s her job to make the relationship happen. It’s your job to create the opportunity for sex.

She didn’t really have an answer. A few days, later she sent a long text saying she’d been thinking about my question and felt our goals don’t align.

The most important thing is she’s just not feeling it. In other words, what you’re looking for and what she’s looking for are not the same. In her case, she’s looking for a no strings attached, easy casual hookup, good sex, good times without any drama or any pressure for a relationship or marriage or anything.

She said she, “Can’t offer the time I deserve as a single mom…”

Which is basically code word for, “Hey, you’re way more into me than I am into you, and I really don’t feel I’m in a place right now to be your girlfriend. Therefore, I don’t want you to get attached. I don’t want you to get your heart broken. I don’t want you sticking around, waiting for me to change my mind in my heart and my feelings. So my interest in you isn’t that high. Anyways, I did enjoy the sex, but it’s better that we just don’t have a romantic relationship anymore, because all I was looking for was no strings attached sex with no drama, and it’s clear you want more and I don’t.” That’s why she says, “I can’t give you what you want.”

…Doesn’t want me adjusting my life around her schedule…

Which it sounds like you’re doing that. So you’re too much of a nice guy on top of that. So you are doing and saying things that made you look like just a nice guy, but not the type of guy that makes her dripping wet and makes her really want to be in a relationship and have a family with you. The book will help you clean up all that behavior. If you’re new, it’s free to read in the Member’s Area on my website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Put your name, your email, create a password and the book will open up right in your web browser and you can read it for free. You can try before you buy, and then once you see how well it works, then you can buy an audio-book, paperback, hardcover, digital copy, that kind of thing.

…And suggested maybe being friends in the future.

In other words, she’s basically saying, “Hey, once you get over the fact that I rejected you and you’re not butt-hurt over it, give me a call and we can be pals.” “Uh no, thank you.”

Lots of compliments about me saying she thinks I’m a very kind, talented guy, said I made her laugh a lot and that I was a gentleman, but essentially ended things.

In other words, “You kind of dried me up and I’m not really that into it. I was down for the casual, unattached, no strings sex, but since you want a relationship, I’m just not even thinking or feeling the same thing you are.”

We later talked on the phone and she sounded very emotional, almost like she was going to cry.

Well, because she gets to experience, well she will be getting to experience life without you. That’s why in these cases you follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the article and video that I did many years ago that tells you everything you need to do when you’re in this position to create the conditions where she could potentially come back. In the meantime, you need to be reading the book, filling in your knowledge gaps so you can cut out all of the unattractive, unmasculine behavior that prevented her from falling deeply head over heels in love with you and asking you to be her boyfriend.

So from this point forward, she has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. Therefore, you say, “I’m not down with being friends. I can be friends with benefits, but I’m not going to do something strictly platonic.” If she’s like, “Well, that’s all I can offer,” then you say, “Great! You got my number. If you ever change your mind, hit me up. Otherwise, it’s been great,” and then you ride off into the sunset and you will never talk to her or speak to her again unless she reaches out to you first. If she does, then you invite her over to make dinner at your place in the evening. You don’t meet her out. You don’t go over to her place. You don’t do coffee. You don’t do group dates. You don’t meet on neutral ground. You don’t go to a lunch in the middle of the day. Again, all the objections that you could potentially get when you suggest dinner at your place are handled in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. So I suggest you watch the video and read that article several times to learn the principles, so if she does reach out, you know how to respond properly.

So what she’s going to get to experience now is life without you, and most importantly, what that feels like, because women have to know that if they push you too far, you’re going to walk and never look back. You are down for sex and potentially a relationship, but she says, “Hey, how about some blue balls and friendship? You can be my emotional tampon and maybe work on my car for free,” he says, “No, thank you. I’m interested in sex and romance.”

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. That’s the important part, is the “meaning it” part. That means when you told her you’re not interested in friendship, that’s why you never contact her again, because she only offered you friendship and blue balls and you said, “No, thank you.” Therefore, the only way it will change is if she reaches out to you. If she doesn’t reach out to you, well then guess what? You know where you stand. You weren’t really that important to her, and she’s just fine with you no longer being in her life and never speaking again.

I told her it doesn’t add up to go from dating, intimacy, and spending a lot of time together to suddenly wanting to be “just friends.”

Well, it makes total sense if you understand how women operate, but the problem was you were assuming that she felt the same way, and when you tried to lock her down, that’s where she basically revealed she was enjoying the casual, unattached sex and realized because she’s dated enough guys to know guys that behave like you become a stage-five clinger and they don’t go away peacefully, and to avoid unpleasant drama, that’s why she just broke it off completely, because in her experience, almost every time a guy behaved like you did, they got really upset and really mad with her or kept trying to pursue and change her mind. So to avoid all of that headache, because as she says, she’s a single mom and doesn’t have time for this, it was better just to cut ties, stick you in friend-zone, and go date and sleep with somebody else, basically. So when you understand women, they’re as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west.

I told her, “I do like you, enjoy spending time with you, but if this is it then I respect you as a person and respect your decision, but peace,” and sounded like she was crying, crying when I said that.

Well, she’s having a hard time with it because what scares her is, “Well, what happens in a few days and a few weeks when we haven’t talked? What if my feelings creep back up and then I want to get back together with him?” Which has probably happened in the past with other guys, and they don’t want her back at that point. That’s why she’s emotional, because deep down, she thinks, “Maybe I made a mistake.” This is why no -ontact is so important and it’s permanent. No-contact means no-contact forever. It means if she doesn’t reach out to you, you’ll never speak again as long as you live. That’s what that means. That’s what walking away and meaning it means. The only way you can really, truly own a woman’s heart is if she knows that she pushes you too far, you’re gonna walk and never look back. When she offered you friendship, you’re like, “See you later, sweetheart. Call me if you change your mind.”

This really threw me off.

Looking for outside perspectives on what might be going on here or how to interpret this. We haven’t spoken since. I will say this as well, I previously was planning to surprise her on her birthday (Before all of this)…

Well, I wouldn’t do that because she wasn’t technically your girlfriend. She was just your fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate, and you found out what you really were in her eyes when you tried to lock her down to a relationship. That’s why she bounced.

…But now I’m not sure what to do.

You do nothing. You read the book, you go out, date other women, apply it, and improve your skills. If she reaches out in the future, what we want her to find is a better, more confident version of you whose game is rock solid and tight like James fucking Bond, and you’ll have her eating out of your hand, because if she comes back, she’s chasing you, it’s her idea. She’s got to do all the calling, texting and pursuing. Then you’re just going to make dates. At least, the first three dates got to all be at your house to make dinner together, and as long as you hook up all three times in a row, then you can meet her out and pick her up, but she still has to do 100% of the reaching out after the fact because she fucked it up. She’s got to fix it, plain and simple. She must earn another chance with you, not the other way around.

That’s why she was emotional, because deep down, she’s worried that’s what’s going to happen. Her feelings are going to bubble up, back up on her in a few weeks or a month or so, and she’s going to want to come back. You might not be willing to take her back, because more than likely, that’s probably happened in the past with other guys she did this to, because women are driven by their feelings and their emotions. Doesn’t matter what a great guy you are, how handsome you are, how big your bank account is, or what a great mechanic you are. The only thing that matters is how they feel about you, and she didn’t feel that strongly about you. That’s why she dipped, but she got emotional because she knows there’s a potential chance her feelings creep back up on her in a few weeks and you might no longer want to see her.

I did want to reach out anyway and wish her a happy birthday which is in a few weeks, but honestly not with any expectations.

Don’t reach out for her birthday. That’s what no-contact means. The only reason you want to reach out for her birthday, it’s not because there’s no expectations, you’re hoping to reach out and she’ll have a different attitude, but don’t. She is dead to you. That’s where you’re at, because if you reach out, you’re basically continuing to pursue once you’ve been friend-zoned, which communicates that you’re OK with blue balls and friend-zoning. Men who respect themselves, who have choices, and options are riding off into the sunset because they’re not giving any more attention to a woman who doesn’t appreciate it and doesn’t want to be romantic with them anymore. You’re going to go find a woman who is excited to see you and be with you.

If after that she’s still feels the same, I’ll just leave it be.

See there? You just revealed the fact that you are going to contact or you were planning on contacting her with expectations, but that’s the wrong move, dude. I would not do that. It doesn’t fucking work.

Definitely need some advice please.

Bob

Again, the book is free to read. If you think I’m totally full of shit, if you apply what’s in the book, you’re going to get better results than you were getting, and obviously you need to be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. If you do that and she does come back, you will be absolutely amazed at the metamorphosis that she undergoes. It doesn’t look like it makes a lot of sense, but when you understand it’s all about the emotions and how a woman’s emotions get stimulated and the no-contact is what will do it and will give you the best possible chance for her to come back hot and horny for you, and take another trip down memory lane.

Again, you just arrange the opportunities for sex to happen. When she’s ready and emotionally feels safe, she’s going to try to lock you down. That’s the way it should be. When you look at the old black and white movies from the 40s, 50s, even the early 60s, it was always the women chasing after the guys, trying to lock him down and get them to get married, have kids, do the white picket fence, and the whole nine yards.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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