Why No Contact Works When She Has Another Guy

How no contact can help you attract a woman who’s still involved with another guy so she chooses you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose previous email I answered in my video newsletter titled, “The Purpose Of No Contact.” They started dating and hooking up for about a month. Then he got cocky and sloppy until she said she needed space, wasn’t sure where she needed to be, wasn’t ready for a relationship and wasn’t sure where things were going between them. He went into no contact and only occasionally saw her at the gym. He started dating another girl and later found out she got back together with an ex right around the time she went cold on him.

She is now reaching out quite often after breaking up with her ex again during Christmas, but he still has not tried to set and date and asks my opinion. It’s a really good email that shows what happens when you get involved with a woman who is really hot and heavy for you and then she goes cold suddenly and dips because of another guy. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is a follow up to a video newsletter I did late last year called “The Purpose of No Contact.” Actually, I think it was probably around April or May of last year, I think it was. Might have been the last time that I answered an email for this particular guy.

To refresh your memory, you can go and look up that original video newsletter on my website and look through the guy’s email that he originally sent in. What was going on there is he met a girl at the gym where he works out, I guess he teaches some classes or whatever, and she was taking a classes. She seemed interested. He asked her out. He was following what was in 3% Man. Things are going great for about a month or so. Then he says he got really cocky, got sloppy and started cutting corners. Then all of a sudden she started getting kind of flaky and squirrelly, and then she just kind of dipped and disappeared on him.

He was kind of surprised at how really into him she was at first. Then all of a sudden, she went really cold. As I’ve mentioned in my book, 3% Man, usually what happens for the average guy, when you meet a girl and you start dating, especially if she’s pretty, usually there are male orbiters in the background or an ex or a guy she just broke up with. So it’s super important, especially in the beginning, until she falls in love with you and becomes emotionally bonded to you, that your game is tight. If your game is tight at first, like it was with this guy, and then as he said, he got cocky, he got sloppy, he started displaying unattractive behavior, stopped leading, and instead of turning her on, she started to get more turned off. Then obviously the ex was still in the background and she easily dipped back to the ex.

Just from a leverage perspective, she had more time in with the ex-boyfriend and that’s why she dipped. Especially this guy made it easy for her to blow him off and go back to the ex because he started displaying unattractive or, I should say, too much unattractive behavior. So that was around like, I guess April last year, if I remember right from the email where she just kind of dipped and blew him off. he would see her. She’d still occasionally take a class or whatever. Then he started seeing somebody else. Then in December, he noticed she was doing more to get his attention. So he’s interacted with her, and she’s now calling and texting, and he’s not asking her out yet. Now he’s been able to kind of put the pieces together of what happened and when she went cold.

This guy had two things working against him. There was an ex in the background, unbeknownst to him. Then on top of that, about a month and four weeks in, he got cocky, he got sloppy and started displaying unattractive behavior. So in essence, his unattractive behavior pushed her back into the arms of the ex, and those things are going to happen.

This email is a good illustration of why you never burn a bridge, because you just don’t have any idea. I mean, you might meet a girl and really click with her, but unbeknownst to you, she just got out of her relationship with a guy that she’d been with for three years, and she dumped him because most of the time, 75% of the time, women are doing the breaking up. If that’s the case, she’s trying to move on, you meet her, things go real good, then the ex is trying to come back in the picture. Since she had so much time with this guy, she’s emotionally bonded to him. Whereas you and her have only been dating for a few weeks, so you just don’t have enough time.

From a leverage perspective, you’re in a weak position to leverage. On top of that, you’re doing a lot of unattractive things, doing things that are the opposite of what the book teaches, you’ll literally chase her out of your life and push her right back into the arms of the ex.

What I liked about this email is that you can get a good sense for that. Then again, even sometimes if your game is tight, and the ex comes back because it’s still in the beginning, you’re still in the weakest position of leverage. So even if you did everything right, there’s still a chance, depending on how strong her feelings are for ex, that she still bounces back to him.

The reality is, if it didn’t work out the first time, or the second time, or the third time, however many times it was that they broke up and got back together, it’s probably not going to work out in the future, so you just need to let that play out. This is why it’s so important to not burn a bridge, not get pissed off if she gets cold. “Hey, call me when you change your mind. Hey, call me if it doesn’t work out.”

I learned that from one of my dearest friends who was a guy that basically fucked everybody in high school. He fucked all the hot girls. He got every girl, even though he’s been with his wife for 30 years. When he and I go out, he’s got his dad and his perfect husband image that he presents to his family and everyone around him, but when he and I are out together, he’s the same guy. If his wife ever left him or did him dirty, he’ll be fucking somebody else that evening. He’s got it. This was something that he taught to me because it came into play in his own relationship. He started dating the woman who was now his wife, and he was in his early 20s, as he put it. He’s like, “I was a drunk, I was partying, I wasn’t making a lot of money, just running around, screwing around, banging random girls, having a good time.”

So he wasn’t really a guy that had his life together, if you will. He was one of the bad boys from high school that banged all the hot girls and was popular with everybody. Everybody loved him. He’s always the life of the party. No matter where we go, within five minutes, there’s usually like five or 10 people involved in a conversation with it because he’s the life of the party. He’s very outgoing, he’s very talkative. He’s always laughing. He’s always cracking jokes. He’s always having fun. He puts everybody at ease. It’s like, no matter where we go, within a matter of minutes, there are a bunch of girls around us usually.

One of the things he taught me was that he started dating his wife or his now wife back when he was a party boy, and he was a screw up. Even when she told all of her girlfriends, “Oh, you’re never going to guess who I went on a date with last week,” and when she told them, “Oh my God, I can’t believe you went out with him. He’s horrible.” About, I don’t know, five weeks into it, unbeknownst to him, she was also seeing a guy who was, I know he’s probably about 10 years older. He was a doctor. He’s more successful. He’s got his life together, he’s got money, he’s got everything on paper, he’s great, but he wasn’t an alpha like my friend was.

Despite the fact that my friend didn’t have a lot of money and he didn’t have his life together, he was kind of a drunk and the life of the party, everybody loved him. He banged all the hot girls in high school. What happened was she started getting serious with this other guy and she’s like, “Hey, I was already kind of seeing him.” He wasn’t happy about it at first. It was a little bit of a blow to his ego, but he was like, “Hey, let me know if it doesn’t work out.” Then about five, six weeks later, he walked away. He didn’t call, he didn’t beg, he didn’t plead. He just went right back to hanging out, having fun and hooking up and just being the guy that he always was. About five or six weeks later, I think it was about six weeks, if I remember right, she got back in touch and he’s like, “Hey, what’s up?” She’s like, “Let’s go out.” So they went out and they’ve been together ever since.

I see in comments a lot, a lot of guys go, “Oh well, women only care about looks and money.” Yet one of my friends, who’s been with his wife for over 30 years at this point, they’ve got a beautiful family, their kids turned out amazing. Yet on paper, he was like a partier, broke, frat boy kind of guy, didn’t have his life together, drank too much, partied too much, slept with half the town, basically. Yet on paper, she’s with this guy who’s older, he’s successful, he’s good looking, he’s got money, he’s got a successful doctor practice, yet she didn’t stay with him.

She went back to the bad boy. Why? Because the doctor didn’t have it. He didn’t have that attractive characteristic of the alpha. Even though the guy she married wasn’t as successful, didn’t have as much money, he was more fun. He was more masculine, he was more manly, he was more dangerous, but he was also kinder. She chose him because he acted more like a man. So I learned a lot from that.

Again, you never know what’s going on in the background when you first meet a girl and you should never get pissed off, you should never get butt-hurt. You don’t take it personally. You don’t want to get perturbed because masculinity is calm. If a woman decides to go back to the ex and she’d known that guy for years and you knew her for a few weeks, you can’t get mad about that. It’s not, “Oh, you’re her second choice.” No, she’s still not over the ex. Even though things started out, that’s why you don’t burn the bridge, because more than likely, it’s not going to work out with the other dude anyways. Then she’ll be back. Then once she comes back, she’ll be yours for good or can be yours for good.

Like it happened with my friend, but he’s still the same guy all these decades later. He’s got the image that he shows to his family as close friends and his kids. Then there’s the guy that I know he is, and there’s a lot of things that I know about him that he knows about me. Nobody knows.

Those are the type of good friendships that you carry throughout life. It’s great to have people like that in your life that you can learn from. Even to this day, I still learn a lot from them. I always listen to them, especially when it comes to ladies, because like I can see it, even at this point, even though he’s overweight and he doesn’t look as good as he used to, he still got it. He can still pull women half his age if he wanted to.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Read 3% Man 10 times. Last year I wrote to you about a girl I was seeing at the gym. 

Following my email, you encouraged me to ask her out again based on her behavior.

What I said was like, give it a couple of weeks, ask her out one more time. What had happened is he tried to ask her out after she was all hot and heavy, then all of a sudden she’s like, “My schedule, I’m kind of busy.” I worried she wasn’t willing to make time for him. He was kind of taken aback by that. So I said, give it a couple of weeks, then ask her out one more time. If you get the same flaky response, there’s a good chance there’s another guy in the background, but at that time, we didn’t know. We didn’t really know what was going on in her background.

I did and she again gave me the run around.

So the bottom line is she wasn’t willing to date him.

I chalked it up as an L and began to move on. That process was a bit harder given she still attends my class.

On top of that, he’s seeing this girl all the time. She’s coming to his class, but it shows the testicular fortitude that he has and that despite this girl coming to his class, despite the fact she she rejected him, he was still able to move on.

I didn’t learn my lesson and immediately had my eyes on another girl at the gym I knew was interested. We met, dated, and I had been seeing her since mid June until recently. She is a great girl, sweet, affectionate, and most importantly, loves me. It was the best relationship I have ever had in large part thanks to your work. I had to end out of respect for her as I could not behave in a manner, I know she deserves in a committed relationship. 

In this case, he’s like, “She’s awesome and I’m not feeling the same thing.” So the right thing, the honorable thing to do, the manly thing to do, is to give her her freedom to go find a guy who she does it for and vice versa, because he’s not feeling it.

I was never as into her as I have been with other women and I’d also be lying if I said that girl #1 didn’t play a factor.

Yeah, because he’s seen her often. How could you not compare the two?

The forced proximity and her behavior has always been a problem.

Ever since she ended it girl #1 has attend my classes, behaved flirtatiously…

Because obviously she liked the attention and validation. Plus she wanted to dangle the carrot in case, because in the back of her mind she’s going, “It’s probably not going to work out with the other guy.” That’s why it’s super important to be indifferent and to be unbothered. You made the effort and she turned you down because as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, if the girl reaches out and you try to set two different dates, two different occasions and she just won’t make a date, then you never ask again unless she brings it up first.

…And every couple weeks reached out either on text, or Instagram. I never used any of those opportunities to make a date because I was seeing someone else and because I had been jerked around twice the last two times I asked to meet following our break up.

So he’s not being a dick to her. He’s just recognizing that he tried to give her the greatest gift he could give anybody, which was the gift of her time, and she just basically treated it like it wasn’t really that important. So unless she communicates otherwise, that’s it. You’ve made all the effort you’re going to make. He’s not burned the bridge, but the only way he’s going to ask her out again is if she brings it up first, or she brings up getting together.

Sometime in late November I received a long text from girl #1. She apologized for how she handled things between us and thanked me for my behavior following that at the gym.

In other words, she complimented him because he didn’t get butt hurt. He didn’t get perturbed. He didn’t get mad. He didn’t get angry. He didn’t get upset with her. He wasn’t a jerk to her because, quite frankly, she’s probably experienced that a lot of times with guys she’s rejected but had to see. Like in this case, it’s at the gym. Or maybe she’s done that to co-workers or other guys that she had class with. The bottom line is, she liked how he responded, which was totally indifferent to it. It’s like life just seemed to go on like it was no big deal.

I responded with something quick and we left it at that. Seemed to me like she was interested in testing the waters again.

Yeah, that’s what they do. It’s getting to the point where she’s realizing it’s just not going to work out with the boyfriend or the ex-boyfriend that she got back together with, and so now she’s testing the waters to see if he’s still potentially available to date and hook up with.

At this point she was also aware that I was seeing someone else.

Yeah, so he wasn’t available anyways, which, you know, when you’re taken by another woman, it’s going to make you more attractive to her and it’ll make her try harder to get your attention and validation.

Following that her texts and messages became a little more frequent and she often attempted to pry about my relationship with girl #2. I knew the chats I was having inside the gym in person and over text were not appropriate in a committed relationship, particularly if its an ex lover and so as I mentioned above I ended it with girl #2.

Which I respect you for doing that. That’s the right thing to do. Instead of using that girl and stringing her along and then just tossing her aside very carelessly and callously once you’ve had her fill or things work out with some other girl. So it just shows that this is a good dude.

I made it known to girl #1 that I ended it with girl #2. On one of the occasions in person she began to pry.

So here’s where it all comes out.

She confided in me that she had broken up with someone in early December who she had dating since April.

Because again, he made some mistakes. So I don’t know if it was an ex or just some other guy or maybe a guy she was further along with in him. The bottom line is, he started displaying a lot of unattractive behavior because, as he said, he got sloppy, if you go back to his original email from last year.

She just so happened to want to stop seeing me right around April, blew me off again in June, and sent her big apology text right around December. What. A. Coincidence. 

I have found that there is no such thing in life. Everything happens for a reason. The bottom line is, she went cold because he displayed unattractive behavior, and there was another dude in the picture and she got serious with the other guy. Because he displayed the right energy, the right vibe, he moved on. He started dating somebody else. I mean, he did everything perfect. Then he became unattainable. Then he became a challenge. Now all of a sudden, he’s freed up again.

The whole time she was dating this other dude, she has always continually put herself in my orbit. I was guilty too in entertaining her and failed to set boundaries as well. It feels like we have both kept each other on the back-burner the past six months. 

Well, let’s be honest, she kept you on the back-burner, dude. You are not in the back-burner by choice, but nice cope.

She texted me later that night and we chatted a bit. I heard from her the next weekend as well. I still haven’t set a date with her.

I would have tried to set the date. If she’s reaching out, she knows you’re single. You know she’s single.

I mean, the reality is, they can work to your advantage because then she’s going to wonder, “Well, we’re both single. Why is he not asking me out? Is he fucking somebody else? Is he back together with that girl?“

I continue to see her at the gym 1-2 times a week and as always she tends to stay after to hang out as I start my workout. I am sure I will hear from her again soon. 

Based off the situation my thoughts are that the best course of action is for her to be the one to ask to meet.

Well, you did ask twice and she shot you down, but now she’s single again.

However, I am also aware that she may only be interested in the attention and validation I provide to her or just views me as a great back up plan.

If the next time I hear from her I attempt to set a date I can accomplish two things:

If she makes excuses or flakes again, I can stop all contact all together and stop wasting my time.

In this case, if she reaches out again, assume she wants to see you and make a date. Just like 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, you’re not going to pick her up. You’re not going to take her out. You’re not going to meet her at the gym. You’re going to invite her over to make dinner at your place in the evening. Hang out, have fun, hook up.

You’re going to be following the script. It’s right out of 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, because you’re already dated her for a month. You guys already were having plenty of sex before. It’s not like she’s a stranger. She’s already been to your house. You also already have intimate knowledge of each other. It’s just now, you could continue to play chicken and wait and she may bring it up. Obviously this is eating at you. It would be better when she reaches out to you next, ask her out, see if she sets the date and if she’ll agree to come to your house to make dinner. If she does, then you hang out, you have fun, you hook up for at least two more dates. After that, she’s got to come and it’s got to be the same thing.

As long as you hook up all three occasions, then you can meet her out. You can pick her up, but you got to let her do 100% of the pursuing, because at the end of the day, she is the one that blew you off and chose to go back to the other guy over you.

If she agrees to the date I will get to see her again in a romantic setting.

I am struggling to see the correct course of action, I don’t want to blow it and ruin the attraction because I’m too quick to act. But I also am not interested in entertaining her further if there is none there. 

Bob

Like I said, I wait till she reaches out next, and when she does, assume she wants to see you and try to make a date to make dinner at your place. She’ll either do it or she’ll have excuses. If she won’t meet you, if she won’t make dinner, she just tells you she’s busy and this and that, then don’t ask or bring it up ever again.

Be nice. Be friendly. Don’t go talk to her. Don’t entertain her flirtations. I’m not telling you to be rude or disrespectful. Just have other things to do. How would you treat her if you were tired of fucking her and you were bored with her? It’s like you’d be nice, you’d be respectful, but you’re really not going to spend much time. If she stays late after class, you’re not going to really try to keep the conversation going. You’re like, “Hey, I gotta run. Have a great night,” and she’s got to be the one to ask you out. If she rejects you again, then yeah, you’re never going to ask her out again. That’s what I would do if I were you. I wouldn’t just keep waiting because obviously weeks are going by and it’s going to make it very hard for you to move on and attract somebody else.

If you’re constantly worrying every week, whether or not you’re going to get another chance with this girl, it’s better now that she’s single and you’re single. When she reaches out next, try to set a date and she’ll either set the date and be excited to see you, or she’ll have excuses. If she’s got excuses, it means she’s not available and just likes the attention and validation. If that’s the case, then it’s definitely time to move on.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.