The reason why obsession and neediness causes rejection is, it makes people feel like they will lose themselves and their freedom if they date or become involved with needy or obsessed people. People who are needy are suffocating to be around. The problem is, needy obsessed people give control of their happiness away by making their own happiness dependent upon being loved by someone who they may or may not have a chance with.
Back when I was totally unsuccessful with women, I would act needy and obsess over the women I wanted. My life would in essence be put on hold each time I fixated on a woman who was unavailable or uninterested. By staying focused on what I could not have, it kept me from having what I wanted because deep down I believed that no one would ever really truly love me for me. By staying fixated on who I could not have, or who did not want me, I kept myself unavailable and off the market. It became a self fulfilling prophecy. I didn’t believe I deserved what I wanted; and by chasing what I could not have, my limiting belief became my reality.
A needy person communicates that they are weak and unworthy of being loved. The needy person constantly looks for validation from other people that usually never comes. It communicates to the world, “I don’t have enough, so hopefully somebody else can come and fill me up and make me feel whole.”
If you can’t be happy being by yourself and accepting the fact you are single, you will never be happy in a relationship. Why? You are making your happiness dependent upon something happening that you have no control over. Only you can make you happy. At the end of the day, the events and circumstances of your life only have the meanings that you give them.
You should never try to keep someone who does not want to keep you. When I was still trying to figure women out, I was definitely too much of an eager beaver. I was constantly blowing chances with women who initially liked me, but because of my needy and obsessive behavior, I simply scared them away. I was run by my irrational fears and a general feeling of lack within. I thought having the ultimate woman would make me happy. It did, but only for a short period of time. Once the newness of the relationship wore off, I was still left with the fact that I was not happy as a man.
I focused on finding ways to be happy and content by myself. I did the work I needed to do on me. Afterwords, my relationships were based upon sharing our completeness, instead of trying to complete one another or make up for what one or both of us felt we were lacking inside. The following is an e-mail from a middle eastern woman whose neediness and obsessiveness over an unavailable potential husband, is causing her to close herself off from an unlimited number of available and potential husbands. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of her e-mail:
I hope you are doing well. At least I have a hope to write to someone who might reply to me with valuable information.
My heartache starts after exactly one month from my relationship. I’m from a Middle Eastern country, so we still put the marriage above any other prospects in a relationship. After one month we talked by accident (There is no such thing as an accident.) about marriage. He says, “I don’t want to marry, and I’m not planning to marry. I got engaged once, and I find out I cant see myself getting married.” So after three days of engagement, he broke it off!! (You should have respect his wishes.)
The problem is that my intuition said, “This is the man for me!” Before even a hello between us, there was two mutual looks between us in a meeting!!! (That was not your intuition. You simply became addicted to what you could not have, because deep down you fear that no one could really truly love you and want to be with you. So you chase what you cannot have and therefore, your limiting belief becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You keep yourself off the market and emotionally unavailable to men who are actually looking to get married. Therefore, you stay single.)
After the one month my intuition was fighting with the truth that he said he did not want to get married. So I decided to follow my intuition and ignore what he says about marriage, although I didn’t forget about it!!! (That was a bad decision on your part. You ignore reality and disrespect the wishes and intentions of this man.)
I loved him. I loved him deeply, but because he knew he wouldn’t marry me, he wasn’t involved with me that much. (He did not want to hurt you because deep down he knew he could not give you what you really want.) Because I had a positive intuition about him, I was committed to him in my heart. That made me really needy; and afterwards, I became obsessed!!! (Acting needy and becoming obsessed will drive anyone away from you. You are placing all of your happiness, hopes and dreams in the hands of a man who is not husband or marriage material. You are wasting the valuable and limited time that God has given you to enjoy and live your life. That tells me that you do not appreciate and are not grateful for the wonderful machine he has given you, which is your body, nor are you living your life in a way that demonstrates your gratitude for the gift of life! That’s something to think about.)
I never read before about the human nature of how to push men away. For that, I did each wrong habit that can be found on earth: begging, crying, being needy, etc. Then he dumped me after 7 months and left the country for business. He faced problems as I heard, and he didn’t come back for one year and two months. Within the first few months, I sent messages to his e-mail. He never replied. (You should have taken the hint that he does not want to talk to you. Never try to keep someone who does not want to keep you. You demean your self when you do.) Then I found his Skype. I talked to him first as some one else, then I declared who I am. (That was devious, dishonest and not an honorable thing to do!) He talked as well, and after that he said, “While there’s no marriage, what will happen is this will hurt again.” He tried to avoid me. Because I never read the way of how to deal with the man until only now, I became obsessive and at times tried to talk to him each time. The second day he ask me to go a way until he blocked my e-mail!!! (You should only become involved with people whose goals and dreams are aligned with your own. Otherwise, you are wasting your time. Look at the bright side. You learn what turns men and other human beings off. So next time when you meet a man who is actually a good candidate for a husband for you, you won’t act needy or become obsessed because you’ve learned how destructive it is to your relationships.)
I know I screwed up!!! The last time, when he was still on my yahoo list, I can see he was online only for me, but he at last dumped me by blocking me. After his block to my email had been one month and half, I didn’t reply to his insult when he said, “Do not ever contact me again and to go away.” I was sad being only by myself. After one month and half, he came back to the country. By accident, I phoned him and I found out that his phone worked. So I hung up before he replies. Then I called him after one week. He said how did you know about my being back? I said “by chance”, and I told him I wanted to see him. He says , “If God willing… don’t call me these days! I’m tired!” I said, “OK”. After 4 days, and because I read about how to get your ex-back (You must understand, the strategy only works when there is mutual interest. Your goals and values are not aligned with his. There is no chance he will ever be what you want him to be. Go find a man who wants the same things that you do.), I sent a text message, saying: “Thank you for the space. Without the space I can’t achieve what I achieved.” I called him to congratulate him for an achievement I saw in his Facebook. He thanked me and went away. Now I’m not obsessive anymore. (Really?) I want to plan to have him back. (You are bullshitting yourself.)
Finally, after his achievement at work, there will be a conference on Facebook in our country. I think he will be there. I want to ask you, should I go and show up there? (Absolutely not! Instead, go socialize and mingle with other single people who want the same things you do.) We haven’t seen each other in two years. All those calls and breakups!!! What if I called him before the conference which will be after two weeks to let him know I will be there?? (The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.)
I know I screwed up, and I lost all hope of getting him back; but I still love him. My intuition continued to be positive until I fired it after all that pain. Now I have no intuition. (Your heart and your intuition knows the difference between true love and obsession. Follow your heart, curiosity and intuition as you seek to be divinely guided to the perfect husband that God already has picked out for you. If it’s the right man, being together will be effortless and drama free.)
Please be safe, and thank you for listening.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”-Joseph Campbell