Why Proving You’ve Changed Is The Wrong Mindset To Get Her Back

Why proving you’ve changed doesn’t work to get her back & what to do instead.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who lost his girlfriend due to his drinking and infidelity. He quit drinking and his ex lives in his building. They’ve only hooked up 3 times this past year, but he wants her back as his girlfriend. He asks what can he do to prove that he’s changed so she will give him another chance at a relationship. I tell him what to do instead. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, ” Why Proving You’ve Changed Is The Wrong Mindset To Get Her Back”.

Well, this particular viewer has been a very naughty boy. He’s had a drinking problem and he says his drinking led to him being a serial liar and cheater. And so eventually his ex just got tired of it and she dipped on him. She also lives in his building so he sees her occasionally. And he says, since September of last year when they broke up, which is quite a lot of time, they only hooked up three times.

So he wants her back as his girlfriend, and he asks what he can do to prove that he’s changed so she’ll give him another chance. So number one, that’s the absolute wrong mindset. If you’ve got dumped and you wanted to stay together and she wasn’t willing to let you work things out, I mean, obviously in this case here, because he was cheating on her, she probably just had enough.

And the only way a reconciliation is possible is if it’s her idea, if she’s open to it. And so when you see her in the building, be friendly, smile, wave, go about your business, but don’t go out of your way to talk to her. If she wants to talk to you she’ll come up and talk to you. If she has any kind of interest, she’s going to text you or call you or FaceTime you and talk about something.

If she reaches out to you unprompted, then assume she wants to see you and invite her over to your place to make dinner together. Hang out and have fun and hook up. Follow exactly what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Because if she dumped you and was unwilling to give you a chance to work things out or to reconcile, and she just wanted to be done, well, it’s on her to fix what she screwed up.

She ended it. She’s got to fix it. It’s pretty simple. And that means, as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back said, she’s got to do all the calling, all the texting and all the pursuing, and you just simply make dates.

So as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, you’ll invite her over and if she comes over three dates in a row and you hook up all three times and you can meet her out and pick her up and go on normal dates.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

Bob here all the way from Australia. I have probably read your book 5 or 6 times however some time ago.

Well, you got to get back into the book because I’ve already been through your email and it’s pretty clear you don’t know it well enough yet. And if you’re trying to attract your ex back, there’s a lot of things you’re doing and saying that are unattractive and you’re totally oblivious to it.

So we need to clean your game up and control the controllables so you’re not constantly putting your foot in your mouth or missing signs that you can advance things with this girl. And again, she should be the one trying to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. And at the end of the day, a man doesn’t have anything to prove to anybody, it is self-evident.

If she brings it up, you just say, “Yeah, I haven’t drank in six months or whatever. I don’t drink anymore. It wasn’t good for me. You know, I did bad things, obviously. So I’m doing sober, but it should be nice to get together and have dinner together.” So my neighbor going in and out of her door with her dog barking.

I have recently lost the love of my life due to some issues with alcohol and some infidelity as a result of the alcohol addiction. When I read your book and applied the learnings, it was bullet proof. So effective that I have multiple women to choose from and was living my best life. Then my high school sweetheart got divorced and I obviously pursued her. During the initial stages, we did the 3 H’s every moment we could and fell head over heels for each other.

This carried on for about 3 months before we discussed being monogamous however, I still had women chasing me and at times, I was weak. This carried on for 3 years when she eventually moved in with me after moving cities to be with me. I committed fully and we were incredibly happy before alcohol had its way again and I strayed.

You can’t really blame it on alcohol. Unless, of course, you were getting blackout drunk and waking up in bed with some other chick the next day, then that’s a self-control issue. It’s not an alcohol issue it’s a you issue. You guys that drink too much. I’ve said this many times in the past, drink light beer like a Miller Lite or something like that. You go to the beach, drink a Keystone Light.

It’s watered down and after every 2 or 3 beers, have a glass of water. Don’t be drinking IPAs because they’re usually twice as strong as regular beer. And definitely don’t be drinking liquor. Because like me, I like the act of drinking. And if I have a cocktail like Jack Daniel’s and Coke or something, like I’m gonna suck it down just like a light beer.

And the problem is it’s a lot stronger so you get drunk really quick. And if you have the tendency to over drink and you like the act of drinking like I do, that’s why it’s best to do a light beer. And if you still can’t control it, then it’s best to not drink at all.

I came clean about my infidelity and have been separated since September last year. We have hooked up 3 times since then and she regularly tells me that I am still the love of her life, but that she is incredibly hurt and not sure if she can get over the hurt. 

Well focus on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, not trying to rehash the past, or have some kind of serious conversation about the past. Because that’s not going to fix things. Because every time you dredge up the past, what does that do? It elicits negative feelings in her towards you. It reminds her of all the hurt. But if you were focusing on laughing and having a good time together, that would elicit good, pleasant, positive feelings in her towards you.

And so whatever she feels when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. So stop reminding her about the past. You’re not going to solve things by talking about you cheating on her. The best way to get over her or to get past that is when she’s open to it just to make a date like if she texts you or reaches out, invite her over to make dinner at your place.

And as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says you’ll do three dates in the evening, all making dinner at your place. And if you hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up after that but you got to let her do all the reaching out. So stop talking about the past. A conversation using logic and reason is not going to fix that. It actually is counterproductive because all it does is remind her about all those negative feelings.

I have since quit alcohol completely, and as a traveling sales professional, it is the hardest thing I have had to do.

Well, you know, good on you for doing it though.

I am trying to apply the no contact strategy that you teach and letting her come to you, however I want her to see how different I am and how I have turned my life around in order to build a better life for us both. She now lives in the same condo complex as I am and I see her regularly. Please, help me understand the exact actions I need to take to give me the best chance of winning this wonderful woman back.

You’ve got to let her come to you. If you see her and she’s lingering and seems like she wants to chat, just invite her to join you for some coffee and some appetizers or something. Or some coffee and dessert; some little bistro or something like that, that’s close by. If she’s calling you or texting you, invite her over to make dinner at your place. If a woman likes you she’s going to reach out to you.

To call her a unicorn would be an understatement and I know I will never find another woman like her.

Well, that scarcity mindset. There’s always another bus every 15 minutes, dude.

I have seen a video of yours where you talk about a women who messed up and how to best go about letting her do the work to win you back and not be overbearing but I am the one in the wrong here and doing everything that I can to fix it.

Well, she dumped you. That’s the thing you’re ignoring. Yeah, we know you cheated on her, but she dumped you. You didn’t dump her. And so what you’re doing is you’re reading 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and using that to justify continuing trying to call and text and prove yourself to her. That’s why you’re not getting anywhere. That’s why since September of last year, you’ve only had sex three times.

Because it’s always your idea. You’ve got to go No Contact, and you’ve got to let her do all the reaching out. And then you simply make dates. And again, the dates need to be almost as if it’s like a first date all over again. Don’t talk about the past. Don’t talk about your drinking. Don’t talk about the cheating or the infidelity.

Just focus on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up. Your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. Keep it really simple. All this nonsense you trying to prove yourself to her, all you’re doing is dredging up the past and reminding her why she dumped you in the first place. So you’re cockblocking yourself, whether you realize it or not.

Look forward to your advice and thank you for writing the book. It is the most honest take between the psyche differences between men and women and is incredibly effective. Oh and by the way, I am making my way through all of your YouTube Videos and have started reading the book again. 

Regards,

Bob

Well, at least you’re reading the book and that’s the important thing. I would really take my time going through it. Ideally, you should be sitting at home reading the book with a digital or physical copy while you listen to the audiobook on 2X with no distractions, no obnoxious dogs barking at neighbors slamming their doors, which that’s going to be over really soon.

Because I don’t really have many neighbors, at least not above me or that are going to hear doors slamming. So hopefully that will be a thing of the past, which would be kind of nice. I’m sure you guys will appreciate that too.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for my Exclusive Premium Members Only Content in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, or you can join on Spotify or our Website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. And the good news is with my Website, you can do a seven day free trial to check out all the great content and extensive library of additional content that you get for being a Premium Member.

And if you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the seven day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, sign up for a seven day free trial for a Premium Membership. And until next time, I will talk to you soon.