Why She Backs Away Suddenly

What you should do if you are dating a woman who starts backing away from you suddenly.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 30-year old viewer who read my book, How To Be A 3% Man, twice. He met a girl on a dating app, they started spending a lot of time together and things were going well. Multiple dates, hooking up and even meeting friends of hers. Then all of a sudden, she starts backing away and trying to slow things down.

Now, she will be out of town for several weeks and he wonders what he should do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

She’s basically taking a step back and he’s like, “What do I do now?” because he thinks he’s repaired everything. He apologized for what he did and said it was immature. And this is such a common thing. Typically, when I do these email newsletters, it’s kind of based on the general vibe that I’m currently getting from people. And so, for whatever reason, in the last few weeks I’ve been getting a lot of these types of emails. You can see the the effect of the culture, and the movies, and the television programs and how it causes, especially guys that don’t know any better, to behave the way they see in the movies. And, obviously, that doesn’t go over too well in the real world.

If you meet a woman and she’s really into you and she has high interest, she’ll be easygoing, easy to get along with, easy to get together with. But when you spend a lot of time together in a short period of time, women typically are going to start backing up when their emotions become involved, especially, which you’ll see in this particular guy’s case, where he’s communicating that he’s more into her than she is into him. And, typically, when guys see that and the woman starts backing a way, they kind of freak out about it. So, this is to prevent future freak outs, because it doesn’t help your case and it’s extremely unattractive.

A woman’s emotions are always in flux, kind of like Mother Nature, basically. And then, guys get wrapped up in their emotions, or their changing moods, or their changing interests, and they think there’s something wrong that they have to fix. Well, it’s kind of like trying to fix the weather. It’s pretty pointless, but that’s what guys do, instead of understanding to just let the dance happen and to not become involved in it, or involved in the changing moods and trying to control it or change it.

Love is allowing. And so, you allow her to come and go, to be really excited about you, to be unsure of you, maybe even to be less interested in you. But at the end of the day, as a man, you should be unperturbed. You’re unbothered. Just like the charming James Bond is when a woman says, “there’s no way I’m sleeping with you tonight,” and he just kind of smirks because he’s heard it all before. And if you’re thinking from the end, you know, eventually, she’ll be back. If they like you, they’ll be back. Even if their interest has dropped and you haven’t ruined it completely, they’ll come back.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Thanks for all the great work you do and appreciate all the help! As a quick background, I’m 30, just moved to a new city (Charlotte) and I’m an Investment Banker at a top-tier bank, so I am committed to my career and work a lot. I’ve read your book 2 times so far cover to cover.

Obviously, he’s talking about “How To Be A 3% Man.” If you haven’t read it yet, you can read it for free. If you’re new, maybe this is your first video you’ve seen of mine, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, subscribe to the email newsletter and you can start reading it instantly in your web browser.

Upon moving, I met a girl on a dating app about a month ago and we went out a week later.

So, there’s about a week. You’ll notice, things start off really slow, and then they start spending a lot of time together in a short period of time. And then, predictably, she starts backing away, and he didn’t handle it too well.

We had a fantastic first date, had sex and she texted me the next day saying she wanted to see me that night and that she had such a good time.

Well, if you’re in that position, a woman says that and you’re available, you can say yes, because it’s her idea. And the key is, love is allowing. The kitty cat wants to come and sit in your lap and purr, so you say, “Come on and sit in my lap and purr, kitty cat.” But if the cat jumps up and leaves, you can’t be bothered. You really kind of want to have the attitude of, “Oh, now I’ve got some peace and quiet. I can get some things done. She’ll be back.”

We ended up going out 3 nights that week and everything was great, (even worked from home together one day). That weekend she left for two weeks going skiing and back home with family. I gave her space and she called/texted to check up on me and say she misses me, etc. I was doing everything textbook as you lay out in your book.

Well, at least up until that point he was. So, at this point, you’re doing great. You’re letting her come to you. When she goes off and does things, you’re cool, you’re not chasing her, you’re not texting her. When she starts to miss you and our emotions become engaged, that’s when she reaches out to say she misses you. And then you can be like, “I’m glad to hear from you. It’s great to hear your sweet voice again.”

She got back a week ago and she asked me to hang out on Friday. We both cooked dinner, had some wine, and then we went out and met a couple of her friends.

That is not something I recommend. And I’ve done many videos lately on that particular topic. Because, again, that’s another thing I’ve been getting a lot of emails on, guys going out on group dates when they just started dating somebody – whether they introduce them to their friends, or she introduces him to hers – and something starts to go sideways after that. Because, typically, if she’s an attractive woman and there’s lots of guys in her social circle, at least one or two of them are probably beta male orbiters that really want to date her and are hoping to get their shot, but you’re in the way now. And so, those guys might say something.

The important thing is, you want to get her emotionally bonded to you and in love with you. Because when a woman is in love with you, she’s going to defend you to everybody, including her parents, people she’s close to. And that’s why the woman will defend the bad boy, even though everybody knows he’s not good for her, because she’s emotionally invested at that point. And so, when you so early in the relationship start intermixing your friends and your family, you run the risk of cockblockers there. And at the end of the day, your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun, to hook up.

You want to bond the two of you together, and it is a lot harder if you’ve got other people around, especially people who don’t know you and you don’t know what their motivations are. You could have one of your own guy friends you love to death, but he may be clueless with women. And then, when he’s talking to your girl that you’ve been dating, he starts telling her about all the things that didn’t go well with women in the past, thinking he’s being “helpful,” because he’s trying to convince her what a great guy you are.

And instead, without realizing it, he’s saying things that make you look weak and unattractive. And especially if he starts telling her about relationships that didn’t work out or women that left you, then she’s going to start to wonder, “Well, maybe this guy is not such a great catch.” That’s why you just don’t do things like this. So, you’re going against something that’s in the book.

The higher the interest, the more you can get away with things like this, but the lower the interest, just a few bad conversations, or putting your foot in your mouth, or somebody trying to sandbag you, it’s just not worth the risk. Because she’s not emotionally bonded to you yet, so why make it harder on yourself than it needs to be?

I wouldn’t have gone out and done a group date with her friends, because the other thing is, now that you’re like boyfriend-girlfriend and you’re around her friends, they’re all like, “Well, who is this guy? What’s going on? How long have you’ve been seeing each other? Is it serious?” And then, typically what happens is the woman is going to start to back away after that. So, it’s like throwing a grenade that may be a dud, or it may go off in your new relationship. It’s like, why? Why make things harder than they need to be?

She mentioned her mom is coming into town this week and asked me if I wanted to meet her, so everything was looking good.

Well, with a comment like that you say, “Well, it just depends on what day. My week’s pretty jammed up.” Because the other thing is, if you spend a lot of time together in the first week or two and she gets to know your schedule, and you’ve got nothing else going on, and then you start backing away or say, “I’m busy, I can’t do this,” the idea is you want to be mysterious. And at the end of the day, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

And so, this guy is thinking, “Man, we’re spending a lot of time together. We’re hooking up all the time. She’s introducing me to her friends. This is great. Now she’s going to introduce me to her mother.” That feels like a relationship. And you just haven’t had enough time together for her to to emotionally bond to you. This is a process. A woman falling in love is a process, and you just can’t rush this. And when you try to, it will blow up in your face like it did with this guy.

The date went very well, and she told me she liked me, so her attraction level was high. The next morning, she said she wanted to hang later after we got our work done, but then in the evening, she hadn’t suggested doing something that night and instead wanted to be alone that night and wasn’t feeling well.

So, you can see he’s getting a little sloppy with making definite dates. This is what typically happens. You make some kind of vague plans and you think, “Oh, we’re going to get together.” Then she’s like, “Well, I didn’t actually make plans with you,” and then she backs up, just because her emotions are changing. Because you just spent a lot of time together, and you’ve met some of her friends, and now she’s talking about bringing you to meet her mother. That’s pretty serious. It’s too much too soon.

I was a little bummed and got drunk that night with friends and accidentally unfollowed her on Instagram.

Come on, man, you don’t accidentally unfollow her on Instagram. You’re being needy, you’re being insecure, and you’re upset. And then on top of that, you’re drinking. And if you’re one of those guys who can’t control your alcohol and you do stupid shit when you drink, you probably shouldn’t be drinking. You should moderate that. That’s just getting reckless and sloppy. Because up until recently, your game was pretty tight. You were mysterious, she’s working to get time with you.

If you had not been so easy and so available, she would have worked harder to get your time and attention. But instead, you give her a ton of it, and what does she start to do? She starts to blow you off and treat you like your time isn’t valuable, because you’re basically available 24/7 to talk to her, to see her, whatever. You just drop everything to be with her.

Now, if you’re in a relationship for several years, those things are going to happen. But when you just met and she’s not in love with you yet, you’re not in a relationship, this is what happens. The women start backing away, because their feelings are all over the ice, and then the guys get upset about it. Like, in this case, he got mad and unfollowed her on Instagram.

She sent me a note the next day saying she wanted to take things slow…

So, that’s the first indication she’s going, “Wow, this is going too fast.”

…and that she can’t commit to anything right now, as she is going to be gone traveling for almost 2 months with friends, etc. I said okay but suggested maybe we can just chat later, and she called me later. She explained that she doesn’t want to hurt me…

In other words, what that means is she knows that you’re more into her than she is into you. She has all the leverage, and this isn’t her first rodeo. She’s probably been out with many guys that started out like this. You get all emotionally invested, and then she starts jerking you around, and then you get upset, and it typically doesn’t end well for the guy.

…and set unrealistic expectations, since she will be gone so long, but reiterated she does want to stay in touch and hang out when possible, but just for us to take a step back on the extended dates, etc.

This is what happens. It’s in the book. The guy was following the book, and then he was like, “I’ve got this. Screw Corey. I don’t need to listen to him. I’m special. This girl is totally different.”

I agreed and said, “Of course, I am fine taking things slow and see where this takes us.” She confronted me on the Instagram and I kind of waffled, but she texted later that it bothered her. I explained why I did it and that it felt like she blew me off and I was caught off guard and admitted it was immature and I apologized. 

Yeah, that’s just another thing that makes you look like you don’t have your shit together. In the beginning, you looked like a dude that was emotionally centered, you were unperturbable. And now, one time she disappoints you, and you unfollow her on Instagram when you drink too much. So, that’s the kind of thing that causes her to feel wishy-washy. It can go sideways fast. And because you haven’t been together a long time and she’s not emotionally bonded to you, it doesn’t matter.

Question is, where do I go from here?

You should do nothing. Stop, wait to hear from her. At this point, since she’s backing away, I’d let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, and then you simply make dates. If she won’t make a definite date, you withdraw the offer, tell her to get in touch when she figures out her schedule, and then just leave her be. It will be absolutely counterproductive for you to continue reaching out, calling and texting.

She will be gone the next ten weeks (sans 10 days in between or so). I’m leaving for vacation next week, and her mom is coming into town this week.

I would not go and hang out with her mom, especially with things the way they are right now. Whatever time her mom’s going to be in town, I’d be busy. I’d have other plans.

I do like this girl and want to maintain things, but obviously this was a step backwards a bit.

It was a pretty big step back.

Our chemistry is fantastic…

Well, it was fantastic until you became perturbed.

…and we don’t skip a beat, so I’d rather not give up the opportunity. I have not overpursued with texting, and she is the one to initiate feelings, etc., and that’s how I plan to continue things. I appreciate any insight.

Bob

Well, I’d be following and get familiar with “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” But at this point, because you basically overpursued, then you acted needy, then you got mad, you got perturbed, you just violated a lot of the principles. And that’s why the principles are in the book. If you don’t follow what’s in the book and you do the opposite, you shouldn’t be surprised that this blew up in your face.

So, what I would do if I were you is nothing. Let her do all of the calling, texting and pursuing. Next time you hear from her, try to make a definite date. If she won’t make a definite date, just like the book says, withdraw the offer and tell her to get in touch when she figures out her schedule. And I would not be available to do anything with her mother or her friend.

And the other thing is, I would start dating other women. Because, again, she’s going to be gone for about two months, it looks like, and you’re kind of put on the back shelf now in her life, as opposed to being a priority. Now you’re kind of an afterthought, you’re basically an option. She’s treating it almost like a backup plan, because you’ve made a lot of mistakes and displayed a lot of unattractive behavior. So, it’s understandable that she’s going to disappear mostly. And you probably won’t hear from her very much. You might go a week without hearing from her.

But at this point, based on what’s going on, I’d let her do 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing. Make dates. They’ve got to be definite dates. Don’t agree to anything flaky or “Oh, I’ll let you know a certain time” Never do that. If she won’t give you a definite date, definite time, definite plans, just say, “Hey, it sounds like you’re not sure of your schedule. Just let me know when you figure it out, and then we can plan something then.” And then, you’ve just got to let her be and let her come to you at her pace.

It’s pretty simple, but I know it’s hard to do, because obviously you’re emotionally invested and you really like this girl, but losing your shit like this is not going to help things. Things started off so great. And this an experience that so many guys have. And you see, a couple of mistakes here and there, when it looked like, “Hey, this is going to be my next girlfriend,” and poof! It just completely blows apart in a matter of days, or a matter of hours, even.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours, truly.

“Many guys who have been propagandized by western movies, TV and culture believe they must lock a woman down to a commitment ASAP before some other guy does. This often leads to women feeling like they are being smothered and pushed into a relationship and commitment before they are emotionally ready. When they start backing away, men typically start pursuing more and trying harder. This comes off as needy and controlling, which causes women to become even more confused and distant. The best response is to be unperturbed and back away, matching and mirroring their declining interest. Like a cat, they will come back with enough time and space for their feelings to return.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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