How to know why she didn’t want to kiss you if you tried to escalate physical intimacy.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read How To Be A 3% Man 7 times so far. He’s obviously being a robot and parroting things he read in my book, and it doesn’t always go the way he wants it to. He shares three experiences of three different dates he had that led to him getting rejected when he went for the kiss.
He asks my opinion on what happened. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is a good email to go through, so you can kind of see the difference between when a woman is into you and how she responds, versus when she’s not, when you try to escalate physical intimacy. Because once you understand this and you know what to look for, you pretty much never have to worry about getting rejected.
But there are going to be times, just like I talk about How To Be A 3% Man, where it seems like the girl’s into you, but she’s not displaying any signs of physical attraction at all. You might see a little bit here and there, but she maintains her distance, doesn’t touch you, doesn’t bump into you, and you won’t really know until you go to drop her off at the end of the evening, or if you’re walking to a car if you met somewhere. The kiss test is always at the end of the night, and it’s best to go for it.
Because if you get rejected, she turns her cheek, for whatever reason she rejects you, then you don’t ever go out with her again. But if you don’t go for it and then you give her a hug, then you’re walking away, going, “Should I go out with her again, or not? She’s really pretty. I enjoyed being with her, but ehh…” This way, if you go for the kiss and she likes, she’ll kiss you back.
As I discussed in How To Be A 3% Man, I had that experience, and I’ve written about experiences in my past when I was learning this. There was a woman in particular that I wrote about in my book where I assumed she was into me, but she really didn’t display any signs. She didn’t touch me, didn’t bump into me or anything the whole night. But then, when I went to kiss her, she made out with me passionately and then invited me in.
So, that’s why it’s always best at the very end of the night to go for the kiss, because if the rejection is at the end, then you can go on your merry way. And then, you know you can cross that one off your list, instead of going, “Do I want to go out on another date with her and spend more money and more time?” Because you don’t want to waste your time. You want to be efficient at this.
Women make it obvious when they like you. They can’t help it. These are things that happen subconsciously. If you know what to look for, you can spot it. It makes things very predictable. A lot of guys worry about rejection. And if you see all the signs are there and then you go for it, and of course she reciprocates, then you’re going to feel amazing. Versus guys that have no idea, and they’re constantly going for it and getting rejected, sometimes they succeed, and they can’t tell one way or another. That’s frustrating.
I’ve been following your newsletter and read your book 7 times, (so I still have 8 more times to go).
So far, so good.
After reading your book 7 times, your answer to my question is obviously no. At a point during the escalation, you either go for it or you say, “I think you should come over and kiss me.” And I’ve tried this a couple of times on different girls to great success.
Well, when she’s into you, she’ll like it, and she’ll also like being told what to do. That’s why it’s so effective. And the idea is that the book is supposed to be a guide. I don’t want you guys to turn into robots and memorize exact things that I say or have said in my book and then repeat them like a robot. They do work, but it’s like, have some originality, kind of put it in your own little words a little bit. Come on, don’t be so lazy.
I’ve seen guys over the years take the ultimate online dating profile and literally copy that word for word. And women will send me those profiles and say, “Hey, I found this guy on this dating website, and he literally copied your ad verbatim.” I was like, God, it’s lazy. No originality. Come on.
However, my question is geared for when physical escalation hasn’t worked out as well as I planned. The times it worked, I already broke the touch barrier, and the girl was responding positively.
Well, the other thing to keep in mind is she was obviously into you. That’s why you look for the signs. When women like you, they play with their hair or they get extra close. They bump into you, they lean against you, they let their knee touch your knee. Their knees are pointed towards you in conversation. They reach over and touch your arm playfully. If you’re walking down the street, they’ll occasionally bump into you.
These are all things that you look for. She exposes her neck to you. She shows submissive body language and physiology. And when she’s not, the legs are pointed away like she’s she’s ready to book on out of there. She doesn’t play with her hair, doesn’t think you’re that funny. The conversation’s a little hard to keep it going. That’s not fun.
This is why it’s so important when you meet a girl in person, the conversation has to flow. If you met her online, talk to her in the phone, at least. Ideally do a FaceTime, or a Skype video chat, or some other kind of video chat where you can see if the conversation flows. Is the conversation easy and effortless? And most importantly, do you enjoy talking to her? Do you enjoy listening to her? Because if you don’t on the phone, or you don’t when you first meet her in person, there’s absolutely no reason to go out on a date.
Why go out with somebody when you have to work extra hard and it feels like you’re entertaining them, instead of just out having a good time? Who wants to go out and be a clapping, dancing sailor, a dancing monkey on a date? I’m not your entertainment. I want to hang out with somebody that’s fun, that wants to be there and is interested in me as well.
Just because they go out with you doesn’t necessarily mean they’re really into you romantically. Women will go out with you because it’s better than doing nothing. Maybe they meet one of your friends and click with him or some random dude out. I’ve had those experiences and I wrote about them in “How To Be A 3% Man” as well. It’s not fun to go out on a date with a girl that you’re not clicking with and then come back from the bathroom, and you see her as she just got done sliding her phone number over to some other dude. Those are the kinds of things that sting when you’re young, and you learn from it.
So, if physical escalation wasn’t working, then is it still appropriate to ask that question?
I wouldn’t be asking the question if you’re seeing nothing, no signs at all. I mean, you can. You can use the, “Hey, I think you need to get it over with and come over here and kiss me.” But if you’re seeing no signs that there’s any physical attraction and you say that, you’re probably going to get rejected. And that’s exactly what happened in all three of these.
I’ll run down three of scenarios to explain what I mean.
I met a girl for coffee, and we were walking around in the daytime, chatting about our hobbies, interests, types, romantic experience. But every time I brushed her or touched her when laughing, she didn’t reciprocate. I then looked at her and said I wanted to kiss her. She blushed but said she wasn’t feeling it. Naturally, I didn’t hear from her again.
Well, instead of telling her that you want to kiss her, just kiss her. It’s almost like you’re asking for permission. But the reality is you could tell she’s not that into it. And it sucks when you’re on a date and you recognize, “Oh, she’s not feeling it.” Then you feel like, “Oh fuck, I wasted my time.”
I decided not to do a daytime date and went with a girl at a wine bar at night.
Smart. Seductions happen in the evening, typically.
She chose to sit across from me, so physical escalation was trickier.
Well, that’s why in the course of the evening when you’re conversing with her, she’ll be playing with her hair, or leaning across the table towards you and pointing her body language at you. If she’s leaning back and her arms are crossed, especially over the middle of this area in the center, that’s the emotional center. If it’s like that, she’s really uncomfortable. She’s not open to you. Pay attention to those things.
I was able to touch her hand and make observations. However, she seemed unsure of my compliments, so I dialed it back down and talked about other stuff.
You only really should be giving one compliment. If you’re laying it on thick, it sounds ass-kissy, phony and insincere, like the compliment is a bribe for sex.
She ended the date 2 and a half hours in, and I walked her back.
And another thing is, when a girl wants to go, or she wants to leave, or wants to end the date, typically, she’s like, “Check, please.” She doesn’t want to be around you anymore.
She didn’t want to get close to me, so I did the same and said that I wanted to kiss her. Naturally, she turned me down and rejected me a day later.
At the end of the day, you could see that coming a mile away. There’s just nothing going on there. And this is going to happen. This is why it’s so important to properly pre-screen your girls. Whether you meet online or you meet in person, you’re looking for easy and effortless. When you make the date, you’re looking for enthusiasm. When you talk to her on the phone, she sounds excited to talk to you and really interested in you.
And if you’re not getting any of that, you shouldn’t be going out on dates. These are the kinds of dates, these experiences that this guy has, you recognize those signs, and as soon as you see it in a new woman, you either don’t ask her out or you cut the date short and dip out yourself.
I did a drink date with another girl, and we hit it off well. Like the previous date, she was sitting across from me. There was no opportunity for me to touch her, but our conversation was great. I had to cut it short because I was traveling the day after and needed to pack. At the end, we left, and I said that I wanted to kiss her.
It’s like you’re asking for permission.
She was flattered, but she said that she was recovering from the flu. And she had to decline at the moment.
Oh yeah, she’s recovering from the flu alright. Sure.
So, I just kissed her on the cheek. As it turns out, she’s down to meet again for an evening mini-golf date for the following week. So, multiple opportunities for physical escalation.
See, the problem with this third one, it’s like a maybe. You don’t know. She’s agreeing to a date, but it sounds like that was the second date, and now you’re going to go on a third date when you’ve gotten rejected. It may work. It may just mean she likes getting out of the house and you spending money and time on her, because she likes the validation.
But say you go out next week and you have a third date and then she rejects you. Now, you’ve been out three times and got nowhere, and you spent all that time and all that money with a girl that wasn’t into it. But I’m sure she liked the entertainment.
Again, these are things you do when you don’t know any better. You don’t know what you don’t know, and this is part of life. This is part of becoming a man. Your coming of age stuff. You’ve got to experience this, because you do enough of these and you’re like, “Man, what a waste. All those dates, all that time, all that money, and I didn’t even get kiss.”
You’ve noticed that when physical escalation isn’t going well, (due to seating or due to women’s receptiveness), I tend to be on the “nicer” side. I know your book argues against this, as it shows that I’m being inauthentic to who I am. However, I’ve also been called out for being a bit “too strong” in the past, and I’m working on toning it down.
It’s not about being too strong or toning it down. It’s just that after reading through these three, it seems like you’re not picking up on the little subtle cues. You’re talking about, “Oh, I tried to touch her. I told her I wanted to kiss her.” That’s not coming from a place of confidence. If a man wants to kiss a girl, he’s just going to go ahead and kiss her.
And if you don’t see any of these physical signs, that’s why you go for it at the very end of the date, so if you get rejected, you’re not sitting around awkwardly. And then you say, “Well, have a great night,” and then you delete her number. Never call or text her again for any reason at all. The key is you’re trying to use the things that are in the book so you don’t waste your time, so you don’t go out on dates like this. Like, now he’s going to go out on a third date with a girl that wouldn’t kiss him. Why would you want to do that? I personally wouldn’t.
You’ve got to do a better job of noticing the signs and noticing when it’s appropriate. And so, you being told that you’re coming on too strong is basically a woman that wasn’t into you, that you tried to kiss or tried to escalate physical intimacy with, and she tried to make you feel bad. When in reality, you should have just been able to tell that she wasn’t into you and not waste your time on a date with her or cut the date short.
I’m also a blogger on the side, (not in dating, ha-ha), and I’m a bit afraid of getting cancelled just because a girl didn’t like my “aggressiveness.”
Well, again, if you apply what’s in the book and you learn what’s in the book and even some of the things I mentioned in the quote, you’ve got to look for those signs. If the girl’s into you, you’ll see those signs, and so you won’t have to worry about coming on too strong. By reading her body language, you’ll be able to tell that she’s into you. And that seems to be part of your problem, you’re not reading that. You’re not picking up on the subtle cues and the fact that what you wrote in these three different scenarios is you’re, in essence, kind of acting like the woman and asking for her permission. That’s part of your problem.
I’m wondering if my question during the lack of physical escalation was the appropriate balance, or if there’s nothing wrong with just going for the kiss, despite the girl not feeling it?
Well, it’s going for the kiss, but not asking for permission to kiss her. And I would be doing it at the end of the night, instead of at the table when there’s absolutely no signs that she’s interested, she isn’t playing with her hair, she’s not touching your arm. The key is, when you’re sitting down, that you make it easy. You’re in closer proximity to her, so she can reach over and touch your arm. And then when you see that, you know she’s down to being touched. You’re not going have to worry about rejection.
So, it would seem that, at least in these scenarios, he’s paying more attention to his interests and not noticing or ignoring her lack of interest. And then, it almost seems like he’s surprised that he got rejected. Whereas, when I read this, it’s pretty obvious he’s going to get rejected. And I’m sure you guys watching and listening to this are seeing the same things based on that. Especially for those of you that are pretty familiar with my work. It’s so obvious that she wasn’t into the guy. But again, we’ve got advanced students, we’ve got intermediate students, then we’ve got people that are brand new. So, this is good for everybody.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Women help you when they like you. They make it easy to escalate physical intimacy by touching you first, exposing their neck to you, playing with their hair, touching your arm, accidentally bumping into you, laughing at all of your not funny jokes, etc. When they don’t like you, they are cold, unaffectionate, monotone in their voice and their body language is pointed away from you like they are trying to escape. If you pay attention to these signs you will never have to worry about rejection again.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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