What you should do if your girlfriend got her own place and/or says that she needs space and is cold and distant.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend moved out because he said that they both needed space. She even moved into his parents’ house temporarily. He rationalized that it was because she was studying for her exams to become a lawyer and needed to concentrate on her studies.
However, she has now finished her exams and seems cold and distant, and is obviously not very excited to see him, but has plenty of time to celebrate with her friends. He is upset because he supported her through all her studies, and now she treats him like an option. She hasn’t responded to his last messages for two days now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’ve got an email here from a viewer who met his kind-of-current girlfriend, I should say, because it’s obviously a little rocky what’s going on between the two of them. But he met her during the lockdowns, and at some point they moved in together. They were living together. And she’s been going to law school, because she’s going to become a lawyer. And so, temporarily she had moved into his parents’ house so she could study. It sounds like they were butting heads, because she was stressed out and wasn’t a pleasant person to be around while she was studying.
And then eventually, at the beginning of this year, she got her own place. And so, now that she just finished her studies, she’s like, “Oh, we should get together at some point.” He hasn’t been able to make plans to get together with her, because she’s so busy going out and celebrating with her friends. And he’s been busy as well, because he’s working two jobs. And he’s kind of upset, because he’s like, “I supported her through all of this, and now she’s going out having fun with her friends, and I’m like an afterthought.” So obviously, some things he’s kind of missing here that I’ll go through, but obviously his girlfriend has definitely lost attraction for him, and he doesn’t seem to realize what’s really going on here.
In your social life — the people that you hang out with, the guys that you’re friends with, or if you’re a woman, the girls that you hang out with and are friends with, as well as the people that you work for — never let people or tolerate people being abusive, taking advantage of you and jerking you around. Because if you continue to put up with it, you’re inviting more of that. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. And no one will ever do or saying to you that you don’t invite them to do. Always remember those two sentences of wisdom. They’re very powerful.
So, I met this girl last year in lockdown on a dating app. We’ve had a great relationship but have lost our spark recently.
Bro, the relationship is obviously not as great as you thought it was, because if it was, you wouldn’t be emailing me. People don’t come to me because things are going well. People come to me because stuff is going seriously sideways.
She’s been studying to be a lawyer and is doing an intensive course, so she’s been staying at my parent’s house. She got her own place in the new year, as we both needed space.
I like how he says, “because we both needed space.” More than likely, it’s because she wanted space from you. Guys tend to rationalize like, “Oh, yeah. We both wanted space.” But if I was to talk to her, it was probably her idea that she needed space, because women are the ones that say that. Guys don’t say “I need space.”
She had her final exams last week, (Friday she finished). We agreed 3 weeks earlier that we would have some space and wouldn’t see each other untill she finished.
It sounds like a very happy relationship. You guys are so close, you’re totally cool with going three weeks not seeing each other.
We both agreed, and she cried saying she would miss me.
Sure. I’m sure she really did.
We said we would hang out and celebrate when she had finished on the Friday. The day that she did finish, she sent me a message saying she wanted to hang out at some point.
Woo boy, you’re a priority to this girl. She really loves you, really cares about you, big time. Totally.
It was my impression that we were going to hang out that night, and I said “Let’s do something tonight to celebrate,” but when I responded she said that she had her friends coming over that night.
She could have said, “Oh, my girlfriends are coming over. You should come over and celebrate with us all,” but she’s like, “I’m busy.” And you let her stay at your parents’ house or she stayed with your parents, I guess. Or maybe your parents aren’t there? I don’t know. You didn’t go into it.
I got a little butt-hurt as I felt a little disrespected.
You think? Come on, man.
I know I should have set a definite date.
I fucked up there.
Yep, you’re right.
The reason I felt disrespected was because I had been there emotionally supporting her and giving her all my love whilst she had been studying. She stayed at my house and I helped her move to the new place. Despite having basically put up with her during her entire exams period.
She sounds like she was a real peach.
She was really stressed at times, but we always communicated well.
You sure about that, dude?
It pissed me off that she had put her friends as the priority on the Friday.
Well, don’t take it personally, but women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, it means they voted for you. And if they’re hanging out with people other than you, well, you didn’t get voted for.
She did say that she’d love to hang on Saturday or next week.
Boy, she’s really missing you, because then it’ll be, what, a month since you’ve seen each other?
I felt pissed because I’d gone from being her main thing to now being secondary and less of a priority, (not cool with me).
I understand, dude. But obviously, the red flags were there, her interest was going down. Maybe you’re new to my work, you didn’t say, but It’s not good.
I was super busy with work that weekend, so wasn’t able to respond until Sunday night.
That’s kind of rude to wait a couple of days, because now you’re making it okay for her to blow you off for a few days. And she’s probably going to match and mirror that back to you. It’ll be easy for her to do, because she’s got low interest.
I said “My bad, I’ve been busy with work. Of course I’d love to hang out.” I said, “I’m only free on next Friday, so why don’t I come over at 7 with some drinks, and we can celebrate. (I’m working 2 jobs right now to get ahead financially, so am very busy with work.) She came back and said she was busy with friends that Friday, but asked if I was free on the weekend.
I had plans with friends then, so I said I’d let her know by tomorrow if I could. She didn’t respond. The next day I said that Saturday night would work and that I could come over after 6 for drinks and dinner, (I was seeing friends during the day). I said I could also do Monday after work and said for her to let me know what works for her. But she hasn’t responded nearly 2 days later, and I’m wondering what I can do in this situation, (or what I shouldn’t do).
Well, I wouldn’t do anything, because it’s obvious her interest is super low, she’s already moved out. “Needs space” is kind of like she’s testing the waters of potentially breaking up with you. That’s what that really means. Women don’t leave guys they’re in love with. They don’t go three weeks without seeing a guy they’re head over heels in love with.
They go three weeks without seeing you because they don’t give a shit. I know it’s harsh, I know it’s brutal, but I’m not here to blow sunshine up your ass. It doesn’t serve you and it doesn’t serve anybody else that’s watching this that’s going, “Holy shit, my girl or my wife is doing that.”
I’m unsure about this relationship, (as we’ve lost our spark).
I’d say, she lost her spark for you.
And I’ve had time to think about what I want. I want to give it a chance and take it slow with no pressure, (I do love and care for her, but if she doesn’t feel the same about me, I will walk away).
Let me know what your thoughts are.
Well, the fact you haven’t heard from her in a couple of days should tell you everything you need to know. Here’s what I would do. You should be looking at “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You should also be reading what’s in the book. And also, you might even want to think about getting back on the dating apps, because she moved out. She’s, in essence, left. She’s no longer with you. And now that everything that was supposedly getting in the way of her spending time with you is over, she doesn’t really seem to be willing to do much to fit you into her schedule now.
To be fair, you’re pretty busy yourself, and it’s not like you had a lot of time open. But the fact that when you offered her days to spend time with supposedly her awesome boyfriend, she’s like “Meh.” She doesn’t care. So that should tell you everything you need to know. She needs to do all of the calling, texting and pursuing from here on out, and then you just respond to it and make a definite date.
I wouldn’t go to her place, I wouldn’t go pick her up. I wouldn’t go roaming around. I see that you’re doing that in the email, volunteering to go to her place. That tells me you’re a little desperate and you’re trying to force things, because you’re worried if you invite her to your place that she won’t come over. And the reality is you should have the attitude of she wanted all that space, she let the studies get in between us. Granted, there’s obviously things that you did while you were together, which you didn’t elaborate on, but like I said, women don’t move away from guys they are in love with. They can’t keep their fucking hands off them.
I did a a success story last week on a woman who just can’t keep her hands off of her boyfriend, and she’s never been that kind of woman that couldn’t keep her hands off her man. That’s what women do who are in love and whose boyfriends are acting like fucking men, like an alpha male is supposed to act.
So if she reaches out, invite her over. If she tries to get you to meet her out, or do coffee, or go to her place, just say “It’s been a long week, I’m just in the mood to hang. If you don’t want to come over, give me a call in a week or two, and we’ll get together then.” But if I were you, I’d be looking to start dating other women. You weren’t together that long anyway. It sounds like you’ve been together maybe six, eight months? And the way she’s treating you, she doesn’t really care. That’s what it is. It is what it is.
So if she wants to see you, I’d make her come to your place three dates in a row. And as long as you hang out, have fun and hook up, then you can go and pick her up, or go to her place or whatever, or meet her out. But she must do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, and you simply make dates. Because she’s the one that left. She left your house, she left your parents’ house, and she’s putting other people in between you. That shows that you’re not a priority to her. And so, therefore, if you’re not a priority to her, she should not be a priority in your life.
You should look at it as that you guys really have broken up, but nobody’s really said anything. Like I said, you’re trying to make plans, but she won’t do it. Granted, you were a little vague, but there’s not a lot you can do at this point.
Again, go to “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Look it up, read it 10 to 15 times, watch the video 10 to 15 times. Get back into reading “How To Be A 3% Man.” I also highly encourage you to read “Mastering Yourself” and get focused on creating a great life and lifestyle for yourself, so you can find some better options. And if your girlfriend makes the effort down the road to win you back, let the best girl win. And if not, she can go on down the road.
And if you’ve got a complicated situation like this or something similar, and you’re not sure what to do because you’re being overwhelmed by your emotions, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women don’t dump men or move out when they are happy and in love. They leave because they are unhappy and lost attraction for their significant other. Women who “need space” are feeling smothered and not attracted. The last thing a guy should do when a woman wants space and to get away from him is to try and stop her. Let her go and never contact her again for any reason. If she does come back, she must do all of the calling, texting and pursuing to fix what she broke and to earn another chance. If not, give her the gift of missing you permanently and find someone else who will treat you like a priority and not an option or an afterthought. Never tolerate low quality people who make a half-assed effort to make you feel wanted, needed and desired, and who feel entitled to abuse you and waste your time.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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