Why She Says She Has A Lot On Her Plate & Can’t Focus On A Relationship As Much

What it means when a woman you are dating says she can’t focus on a relationship because she has a lot on her plate.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his ex-girlfriend of 4.5 years. She said she had a lot on her plate and couldn’t focus on a relationship as much and didn’t want to waste his time. He was obviously over pursuing and gave her all the power in the relationship to the point she lost attraction and respect for him.

However, a big issue for him was she invited attention from other men on social media, responded to direct messages and followed other men back. She was basically acting like she was single and looking for a new man while she was still with her boyfriend. Despite her disloyal behavior, he still wants her back and asks my opinion on if it’s even possible at this point. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this particular email is from a guy who got dumped by his ex-girlfriend of four and a half years. Obviously she’s got a lot on her plate, but there was a some problems in the relationship, he said. She was kind of displaying some disloyal behavior. She’s kind of giving the green light to other guys to slide into her DM’s. She’ll follow other guys back on social media, things of that nature.

You can tell overall he’s pursuing too much. He cares too much. He’s too much into her regardless of what’s going on with these other dudes, but it’s not looking good as far as what she did with inviting attention from other men. As far as her character, remember, character is destiny. No matter what happens with her, he is a man. If he wants to keep, whether it’s her or a future woman in the future attracted, he’s got to stop caring too much, or at least communicating that he cares too much, or that he’s way more into the girl than the girl is into him.

You can clearly see that from the the email that she’s got all the power and he gave it all to her. Plus he’s chasing, he’s smothering. He mentions there were times where he was begging. So he’s displaying a lot of unattractive behavior that he’s going to need to clean up. That’s part of what we’re going to talk about here. Then we’re going to obviously look and see, is this relationship even salvageable? If she comes back, does she look like she’s somebody that would be loyal and faithful, or does it look like somebody when she’s unhappy, she’s going to be giving other men the green light to try to seduce her?

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

Just emailing you to just get a little amount of advice.

Recently my ex just broke up with me after 4.5 years. I didn’t want to breakup, but more so work on our issues,

It takes two to tango. If only one of you wants to tango, well you don’t have a tango partner.

…But she felt it just wasn’t worth it anymore and the typical, “Have a lot on my plate and I can’t focus on the relationship as much. I don’t want to waste your time.”

Basically what she’s saying is, “I have low interest in you. You’ve made my pussy drier than the Sahara desert and I’m not interested.” That’s what she’s really saying. She’s lost interest, she’s lost attraction, she’s lost respect and she wants out. That’s the bottom line.

When a woman says things like that, in other words, he’s made her feel like she’s being smothered, he’s calling too much, he’s texting too much, he’s pursuing too much, obviously, he’s probably in a state of fear because he’s wondering what’s going on with these other dudes and her social media. So there’s a lot of bad things going on here that are not helping his case and hers for that matter, from an integrity perspective.

We had some revolving issues that popped up that maybe we never communicated enough properly, although my mindset was that sure they’re problems, but I won’t give up on solving them. We have had communication (Not always, little things were easier to solve) issues at times because if we get mad at each other she closes up and can become stubborn at times and almost grow an ego, power trip if it seems like I’m “begging.”

If you’re begging, what that tells me is you’re trying to get her attention, you’re trying to get her to talk to you. It sounds like, as he says, she closes up. So she’s probably a stone waller. It’s very hard to work out things in a relationship of any kind when the other person is like, “I’m going to give you the silent treatment,” or “I’m going to tell you that nothing’s wrong,” or “I’m going to ignore you for a few days and let you know that I’m big time mad at you. When I think you’ve suffered enough, then we can talk.” That’s not healthy. That’s not loving.

I mean, if you’re in a relationship with somebody, you’re living with them, maybe you’re married, maybe you have a family. The last thing you want to do is be in a relationship with somebody that when they get mad at you, they just hit the pause button for three or four days and now you’re in limbo, you’re getting up, you’re going to work and you’re getting the silent treatment from your supposed teammate, “I’m going to punish you and make you suffer. Until I feel like you suffered enough, then we can talk.” One or two times you can get past it, but when it’s like a weekly or an every other week type of occurrence, that shit’s going to wear you out.

Guys that have choice eventually we’re like, “Hit the bricks honey, I’m out of here.” You’re just not going to put up with it, but guys that are in a scarcity mindset, guys that don’t understand what’s in 3% Man, they’re going to be worried that they’re never going to find anybody else. So they’ll sit and stay in a relationship like this where they’re being abused and put up with it and make excuses for the girl, and in this case, over-pursue and chase, probably be a little controlling because he’s trying to figure out what the hell’s going on with these other potential dudes here.

My issue was that she was being too friendly with other guys who she didn’t really entirely know and responding to messages, or even accepting friend requests and follow requests on apps, I didn’t like that.

That’s understandable, because what it really shows is if a normal, healthy, loyal woman is going to say, “Hey, thanks, appreciate the interest, but I have a boyfriend. Hey, thanks. Sorry, but I’m married. Hey, I can’t. I’m seeing somebody.” When she supposedly has a boyfriend of four and a half years together, and she’s basically given guys the green light to try to seduce her, it’s clear from her actions that she believes she’s a free agent or an impending free agent. So she’s testing free agency. She’s testing the waters to see what other kind of offers she’s going to get.

If you’ve been with somebody for four and a half years and they’re doing that to you, that’s not loyalty. That shows that they’re heading for the exits. If you stay with somebody like that or you take them back after these things have happened, then what you’ve just told them and communicated, you’ve enabled their behavior. You basically said, “Hey, that’s OK. I’ll stick around.” Even if you’re rubbing other men in my face, that’s what’s really going on. If you do that, you’re obviously going to be a chump, and you deserve to be called a simp.

When you allow her to get away with that, when she’s not happy next time around, and it’ll happen eventually when you’re together long enough, you get lazy, you get complacent, you get caught up in life, your business, your career, whatever, and you’ll go back to not dating and courting her properly, not making her feel heard and understood, then when she feels like her attraction is not there, then she goes right back to giving the green light to other guys that know her to slide into her DM’s. So right there, that paragraph shows that’s not the behavior of somebody who’s loyal. That’s the behavior of a woman who, in her mind, she’s single or about to be single, and this is totally OK with her.

What’s the number one most important thing to men in a relationship? It’s loyalty. You want to know that the girl is loyal to you.

And she says that I haven’t done the little things as much that matter and gave her my full attention and affection at times. So she says it’s made her take in the attention from others naturally, even though it didn’t seem she was flirty back, but guys might be having other motives.

Yeah, the only reason these guys are sliding into her DM’s is because they want to slide into her panties. The fact that she’s corresponding with them and accepting friend requests, she’s communicating that she potentially is going to be available or is available.

If you’re having problems in your relationship and your girlfriend or your wife is signaling to men outside the relationship that, “Hey you! I’m going to be single soon,” or “I am single. Go for it, big boy. Shoot your shot.” That’s not what you want to see. That shows you you’re trying to work things out, and she’s trying to look for your replacement.

I’ve been working on starting up a business, working my 9-5, with the vision in mind to make a better life for us, but I feel she just wants more of the day-to-day attention and affection.

Well, it’s true. If you don’t date your girlfriend or your wife, eventually some other guy will. It’s clear that she’s definitely in the beginning stages at least, or maybe even further along than you realize with other men. So she, in her mind, is not trying to be loyal to you. When you see that, it’s like, why would you really want to stick around? Because if you take her back or you give her another chance, then things go, six months, a year, down the road, you get same thing, you get lazy, you get complacent. She’ll just go right back to doing that all over again because you already told her it was OK, because you stayed with her.

I’ll admit my wrong doings and have understood I can be better in different area’s that I lacked in. I want a future with her and even saw myself marrying her in the near future, before the breakup of course.

Well, when you see that kind of disloyal behavior inviting attention from other men, and then you’re going, “Oh yeah, I’m thinking about marrying her,” you’re in your mind. You’re going, “I’m thinking about marrying this girl,” and she’s thinking about who she’s going to replace you with. It’s like, hello? Have some self respect, dude.

She’s reached out after our “official breakup,” just asking to call me and talk to me again, but it didn’t end up happening. I then called her the next day and although I didn’t agree with her wrong doings (I told her), I admitted that I could have focused on her more and done more of the little things and accepted my issue and lack of effort there.

Well, if she reaches out and she wants to talk and then she doesn’t actually follow through on it, you shouldn’t be calling her the next day. She’s already pushed you away. You should give women the space and the time to follow through on their plans and their commitments, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever.

Once again, a big issue here, whether you fix it with her or if you don’t fix it with her, you’re going to have the same problems with the next girls. So what it looks like is she’s like, “Hey, I want to call you and talk to you,” and of course, she doesn’t reach out that day. Instead of you waiting to hear from her after she’s disrespected you and broken it off with you and unilaterally ended your relationship, you start chasing her and you start pursuing her. Which is obviously what causes a woman to feel smothered and say things like what she said, which was she’s got a lot on her plate and can’t focus on the relationship as much. So even after she’s dumped you, you’re continuing to run after her.

This is just totally unattractive behavior, and any woman is going to get turned off by that. Dating is like tennis, you hit the ball over the net, you got to wait for her to hit it back and you’re not waiting. It doesn’t look like you have waited, and you’ve been like a needy little girl. Therefore she doesn’t respect you and she has low attraction for you. On top of that, she’s inviting attention from other men.

3-4 days after the breakup and starting the no contact rule, also after I unfollowed her and took her away from following me, she’s been consistent to view my Instagram stories, even her manipulative friend who isn’t a fan of me still follows me and watches my stuff.

Well, it shows she’s still concerned. She’s still interested. If she’s breaking things off, it’s obvious she’s probably exploring things with these other dudes. So at this point, you’re just kind of like a backup plan, and you’re one of the guys she’s talking to.

Is there any hope in getting her back?

Well it’s like, why would you want her back after that? I mean, she’s been disloyal, and you found out about it. Even though he says she wasn’t flirty, the bottom line is she’s still giving these guys the green light to slide into her DM’s. She’s still following these guys back. So those are the actions of a woman who’s looking for somebody else.

She’s not trying to repair your relationship. She’s trying to find the next guy. In essence, monkey branch from you kind of keep your finger in the water with you a little bit. Stir the pot a little bit, give you just enough to keep you on the hook, and keep you hoping that there’s maybe a way to salvage it. Meanwhile, she explores things with somebody else.

If she finds a guy that measures up, then she’s going to dip from you to him and start sleeping with him, even though she might still be kind of dangling the carrot to you until she’s completely 100% in with a new guy. Once she’s 100% in with the new guy, then she’ll really dip. She’ll really disappear from your life. That’s why you look at what somebody does, not what they say.

Does her persistent viewing of my stories 3-4 days after our breakup mean anything?

It just means she’s keeping tabs on you, trying to find out what you’re up to.

The best thing you can do is recognize what’s happened. She’s been disloyal, and she’s probably spending her time with one of these guys or several of these guys that have slid into her DM’s, and she’s spending time with your potential replacement. In other words, she got a little practice squad going. So what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

You should have your own or you should form your own practice squad. She could be one of those players that’s on the bubble, so to speak. You don’t call, you don’t text for any reason. You look at the disloyal behavior. She reached out. She never really talked about anything.

At the end of the day, you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Not trying to have serious conversations over the phone or in person. Your job in the courtship is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it.

If she reaches out in the future, assumes she wants to see you. You invite her to dinner. You don’t go meet her out. You don’t pick her up. You don’t go to coffee dates. You don’t go to lunch dates. You don’t meet on neutral ground. You don’t go and do group dates where it’s a bunch of friends and people that you know there. When you do that, you’re acquiescing to platonic friendship. What women that are behaving this way will do is they’ll keep you in their orbit as kind of a backup plan while they spend most of their time with their primary new guy. If the new guy has his shit together, she’s going to bounce to him and eventually just blow you off.

There are also women that will keep stringing you along, even though they’re in a new relationship with somebody else, because they like the attention and validation. I suspect that’s the kind of woman that she is, that she’s always got other dudes. It sounds like it’s been going on for some time. So this is who she is.

Do you really want to take somebody back who behaves this way? As soon as you slack off again and stop dating and courting her properly, and don’t communicate with her as much, she’s going to be back in the DM’s of these other guys and inviting them to slide into her DM’s. That’s not the actions of somebody that’s going to be loyal and faithful to you. That’s somebody that doesn’t respect you and doesn’t value you, and they have the attitude that they can replace you.

Like the Tom Petty song Good Love Is Hard To Find. If you think you can do better than me, then go. If I don’t take you all the way, then go. Go on down the road, but based on her actions, I wouldn’t be giving this chick another chance. She would just be a potential sex playmate, friends of benefits, if you’re wanting to do that. I would definitely wear a condom. I wouldn’t be raw dogging it with this girl anymore.

Can I use this to my benefit? Is it OK that my Instagram page is public and she can view it…

Yeah, who cares? She can be one of your fans.

…Instead of block her or make it private (Almost like passive aggressive)?

Anyways, hope to hear back. In a rut and just would really like to have her back in my life.

Thanks,

Bob

Well, just leave it. Who cares? You don’t follow her. She doesn’t follow you. I mean, she is manually following you. So let her have that. Let her be. She can be one of your fans, but I would never call her or text her again for any reason. If you’re crazy enough to want to get back together and hook up again, I would wear a raincoat.

You should be following the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. The behavior from her is the proverbial turd in the punch bowl. Yeah, you can fish the turd out, but some of the what was in the turd is going to be now in the punch. Do you really want to drink the punch? No, because it’s fucking tainted. So what do you do? You dump it out and you get a fresh bowl, and you make some new punch with another girl or girls if you’re going to have a rotation, because it’s clear she’s working on a rotation, so you might as well be doing the same thing because her actions communicate that that’s what she’s doing.

At the end of the day, as a man, you’re the prize. You’re the catch. She should be the one trying to win you over, but you’re in the mindset of, “How do I get her attention? How do I get her to pay it? How do I get her to pay attention and want to spend time with me?” That’s very feminine. That’s not masculine energy. Your attitude should be like, “Hey, this chick hasn’t been loyal. She did me dirty. Even though I might be open to hooking up with her again, I’m certainly not going to get back into a relationship with her. She can be one of the girls that I hook up with. Then when I find a girl I really like and want to be with, I’m like, ‘Hey, I can’t see you anymore. Met somebody else. Wish you all the best.'”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.