Why she’ll probably be back after the breakup if she’s still affectionate when you see each other.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who just got dumped after living with his girlfriend for the past six months. He admits he showed a lack of leadership in the relationship, which caused his girlfriend to be more in the masculine role, therefore, she didn’t feel safe and comfortable.
When they said their goodbyes, they kissed and held each other passionately. He is confused as to what this means since she ended things but was still affectionate like she still cared. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I know a lot of people that first come to my YouTube channel are in this situation. Typically, they’ve been dumped, and one of the biggest questions they ask, even when I’m doing phone sessions with these guys is they say, “What do you think the odds are that I’m going to hear from her again?”
So, this email kind of perfectly encapsulates that, because when they broke up they spent some time together, but they were very affectionate, kissed passionately, and then he left. And afterwards, he’s thinking, “She dumped me, we broke up, but she was still affectionate like I was her boyfriend. What does it all mean? What the hell is going on?”
When somebody basically says, “I want to break up,” they, in essence, walk away from the negotiating table. In other words, they believe they’ve reached an impasse in the relationship and, therefore, it’s best to go their separate ways. And if you’re not agreeing to the breakup and you want to work things out, but they’re refusing to, and all they’re doing is pushing you away, then you’re going to leave. You’re going to express to them that you’re not interested in a breakup. You’re disappointed at the fact that they’re just quitting and giving up, instead of working through your differences and not giving your relationship a chance to be fixed.
It takes two people to make it work. If one of them is going, “I’m not participating anymore,” then when you love and you value and respect yourself, you’re going to be like, “Hey, I don’t agree with this, but if you’re just not willing to make the effort, then yeah.” You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. “I’ll go find somebody better down the road that does appreciate me, does value me. And when things get difficult or hard, they work things out. They don’t just pull the plug on it.”
The reality is, statistically, there are lots of people out there in the world, that you’ll encounter if you date enough, whose solution to things is to constantly threaten the end of the relationship or threaten to break up with you. And statistically, when one or both people in a relationship, and the data backs this up, try to change the other person or get the other person to comply through threats of ending the relationship, there’s a 95% chance that that relationship will not work out. So, statistically, it won’t work.
If somebody is constantly threatening to dump you, “If you don’t do this, you don’t do that…” or putting you in time out, saying they want to break up because they don’t like certain things about you, or whatever, then that’s not a solution. Constantly threatening your partner with ending the marriage or the relationship, it’s not loving and it just says you’re willing to give up. And the reality is, statistically, it’s never going to work. It’s in essence, manipulation. And so, when somebody tries to manipulate you, you leave.
And a good guide for this philosophy is the article and video I did years ago called 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. If you’re the one who gets dumped, and you don’t want to be dumped, and the other person’s unwilling to make it work, then it’s their job to fix it. They walked away. They said, “Hey, I don’t think you’re valuable enough and important enough in my life to try to fix things, so therefore, I’d rather just be single.” And you say, “Great. I dare you to find somebody better.”
Not that you’re going to say that, but that’s your mindset. It’s like, “Fine, I’ll find somebody better.” Because if you’re reading How To Be A 3% Man and applying what it teaches, you now have the cheat codes and you have the upper hand. And I always say you’ll either get that person back or you’ll get somebody way better.
I learned a valuable lesson in leadership yesterday… but there’s a weird twist at the end. After living with my girlfriend for six months, she ended the relationship yesterday. She was a great woman, maybe the best I’ve ever dated in terms of kindness, smartness, and maturity. I now know exactly what I was doing wrong in the relationship: I was showing a lack of leadership in the relationship.
Essentially, I was too busy looking out for myself and not looking out for her, or “us.” She felt unsafe because she was being put in the masculine role, albeit unintentionally. Also, I feel like she was trying to meet my needs way more than I was trying to meet hers. Lessons learned, but hard learned.
Well, typically, pain is life’s way of telling you that you’re doing something wrong, and obviously when you get dumped like this what can be really helpful when you read “How To Be A 3% Man,” is you can figure out what you did right, what you did wrong, and what you need to do differently.
And that’s why I always say read the book 10 to 15 times, so you can fill in your knowledge gap. Especially if you’re in the middle of a breakup and you’re trying to figure out what to do to get this particular person back. Because usually when guys go through it, they’re like, “Man, I did that. She said that. She acted exactly the way Corey said in his book.”
As you apply what’s in the book and you move on with your life, especially if you’ve been the one pushed away, your attitude is, “I’m going to learn everything I need to learn. I’m filling my knowledge gaps and I’m going to attract somebody better suited for me down the road, with enough time and enough repetition. And if she does come back and wants another chance, then may the best girl win, because she’s not automatically going to get me back.”
Nevertheless, the break was a bit unorthodox. Before I left, we hugged each other in her kitchen for what was like 10 minutes straight. She was teary-eyed, (I was a bit too, but tried to keep composure). We then started kissing each other on the lips passionately. After that, we walked her dog around the block one last time, holding hands as we went down the street.
Yeah, it really sounds like a breakup.
She commented on how much she enjoyed walking the dog with me every day. After that, my Uber showed up. We hugged and passionately kissed before I got into the car.
So, in that kind of a situation, I’d say there’s a good chance she will be back. And that’s why it’s so important to maintain no contact, to walk away and never look back. Because you were living together, or I guess you were living with her, so it sounds like she’s kicked you out of her house. And so, now you’re going to move on and you’re never going to look back. You’re never going to call or text her again for any reason.
Even if you’ve got friends or family, especially if you’ve got women that are trying to tell you, “Oh, just tell her how much you care,” it’s like, that just does not work. When she gets total radio silence and she has several days or weeks or even a month or so alone and she hasn’t heard from you, and all she hears through the grapevine is that you’re having a good time, you’re excited about being single, you’re excited about a future love story that you’re going to create, that typically has a positive effect on her. Especially if she’s all over you like this.
It’s been two days since that happened. We haven’t contacted each other since. What the heck was up with that ending?
Obviously, she still cares. But like I was saying in the beginning, it might be that her way to try to solve things or to teach you a lesson was to break up with you and dump you in hopes that you would change. But since she pushed you away, you’re going to move on and find somebody better, and you’re not going to wait around on her.
I’ve never had a relationship end like that. Part of me wants to reach out and let her know I’ve had these breakthroughs in understanding.
Don’t do it.
I’m resisting; I will let her contact me first.
Don’t do that, because that would be approval seeking behavior. You wanted to work things out when you were still together, but she said no. So, she made that bed, she gets to lay in it. And the longer the time goes by and she doesn’t hear from you, all she hears about you through the grapevine is that you’re hanging out, having fun, maybe hooking up. You’re hanging out with other women, you’re having a good time. You’re excited and optimistic about the future, and it almost seems like you’re totally unbothered.
And you’ll hear women come back in these situations, because I’ve experienced this firsthand, like I wrote about it in “How To Be A 3% Man,” they were like, “It just seemed like you didn’t care. It seems like you totally moved on.” I was like, “Hey, you dumped me. But I knew you’d be back, because I’m awesome.”
“Granted, I fucked up, I made some mistakes, but we can’t fix anything if you’re just like, “Hey, I’m leaving the tennis court and I’m not even going to play anymore,” or “I’m pissed off. I’m picking up my toys, leaving the sandbox and I’m going home.” It takes two to make things work. But the good news is you’re here right now. And by the way, you look really cute in that dress.” That’s the attitude that you want to have towards it. But she fucked it up, therefore, she has got to fix it.
So, anybody that’s in this situation, you should be following the script that’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” And if your situation is complicated or you want my opinion on what you did right, what you did wrong, and you want to book a coaching session, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When a breakup happens, whoever ended the relationship then becomes the one who has to fix and repair the relationship. The dumper must fix what they broke. If you got dumped, then that means they must earn another chance with you, not the other way around. They gave up and quit the relationship. It takes two to make the relationship work. The one who leaves must be the one to initiate and facilitate the healing, forgiveness and earn another chance for quitting and giving up, and instead figure out how to communicate, resolve differences and move forward in love and understanding. That’s why the person who gets dumped must state their disagreement and disappointment with the breakup, but walk away and never look back, because you never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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