Why guys who are too soft, compliant and nice get jerked around by women.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a clueless nice guy who has been getting jerked around by a woman he has been trying to date for the past 2 months. He hasn’t read my book yet since he is new to my work, but it’s obvious he has no game and no idea how to handle women. She obviously can tell he is clueless and is jerking him around on purpose, and he is stuck in friend zone.
She’s acting more masculine than he is, and this is ruining her respect and attraction for him. He’s spending lots of time and money on her and it’s going nowhere. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
For those of you that have been through the book, you know everything I’ve been through, and most of us guys experience the same things, especially when we’re younger and we don’t know any better. And you could tell this guy’s a good dude. He wants to be a good guy, but the problem is he’s doing what he thinks he needs to do in order to get this girl to like him, who probably did like him, but he’s so soft and he always caves to her.
She pushes him around, and he’s just kind of flailing all over the place. She’s just doing all kinds of little things, signs of disrespect, and he keeps coming back for more, doesn’t call her out on it. And it’s obvious she just doesn’t respect him, because he never stands up for himself and communicates what he wants. And when she doesn’t treat him the way he wants, he just stands there and takes it and invites more of this non-romantic interest, if you will.
I am new to your work and bought your book and read it just once.
Well, quite frankly, after I’ve been through this email, it doesn’t sound like this guy has even read it once.
I am seeing an Indian girl, 26-year-old I like a lot, (because she is the only pretty girl talking to me), who works as a carer, hence she makes less money and makes me pay for each date. I have been on 7 interesting dates over 2 months so far, and we have kissed and stayed in hotels. However, in the hotel she wouldn’t have sex, saying she will only have sex when in a relationship.
Meanwhile, in the email success story that I went over yesterday, the woman’s religious, “I don’t go out in dates with guys unless I’ve known them and been talking to them for six weeks.” She had a date set with another guy. He told her the only night he was available was the next night, which was when she had a date with the other guy. So, she breaks the date with the other guy, meets him for a date, and then goes back to his house and sleeps with him. Then, literally a week or two later, she’s begging him to marry her and they’re now married.
I think it’s been several years now that they’ve they’ve been together, and they have a good relationship. But it just shows that a woman’s interest and her attraction just cuts through everything. So, despite her rules, when she really likes you, the rules go out the window for the alpha. But obviously, if you’re acting like a beta, like this guy does, you’re going to get nowhere.
If you’re in a hotel room, and she’s staying in the hotel, that tells me that she was willing and open to having sex with you, but you probably talked her out of liking it, because you just communicated you didn’t know what you were doing and it would probably be weird and awkward afterwards. And she knew, deep down, you probably couldn’t handle it, because she’s probably been with other guys that acted just like you that couldn’t handle it after they got a little taste of the pusswa.
And if you’re familiar with the book, then you would know two steps forward, one step back. You keep moving forward to seduce her, and then when you run into resistance, you take a step back. You go back to talking, getting her to open up, talk more. And then a little while later, you take another run at it. And each time you get closer and closer, until ultimately you end up inside of her. That’s the whole purpose of seduction.
However, we kissed and got to 2nd base. Now, she told me she is seeing other guys as well and meets me once every 2 weeks.
So, you’re kind of like her potential rotation, I guess, but you’re not getting any. She’s obviously sleeping with the other guys, but not you.
After every date, she starts blowing my phone up, and talking a lot about anything. Something she also tells me about is how other guys are screwing up, but she continues to use the apps. I did give her the signals of wanting to be serious…
In other words, “I was acting like a woman and tried to lock her down and that didn’t go so well.” Because your job in the courtship is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, have fun and to hook up – not to try to get into a serious relationship with a woman who’s not even having sex with you yet.
…and she told me she isn’t anywhere close to being exclusive and we should enjoy what we have.
So, she’s basically saying, “pump the brakes, slow your roll, I’m not there yet.” And this is part of the problem, he doesn’t have any game. He’s seen way too many movies and TV shows that say you better lock the girl down or else somebody else is going to come along and rip her off from you. So, he does exactly what the movies and the TV tell him to do, and she’s like, “I’m just not there.” So, you have to understand that women fall in love slowly over time. And you’re not even seducing her after two months.
She also told me to keep looking for more people and not keep all of my eggs in one basket.
In other words, she’s saying “you should date other women because I’m dating other men,” because women help you when they like you. I mean, she obviously likes this guy. She’s open to something happening, but it’s obvious that he’s got oneitis, and he’s focused only on her, and he’s not dating anybody else. He’s probably even communicated that to her.
The reality is she would find you a lot more attractive if other women found you attractive and wanted to date and sleep with you. And you’d be cockier. You’d have more swagger if you had other women in your life. And so, what’s happened is you’re kind of behind the eight ball in this situation. You’re already involved with her, and you’ve displayed all this weakness, and having some other women, you could practice what you’re learning in the book.
Because obviously, when I read through this, you’re like, “Oh, I’ve been through the book once.” It’s like, 10 to 15 times. You don’t just read the book once like, “Okay, well, that solved that problem. Everything is fixed now.” That’s not how it works. You’ve got to actually apply what’s in the book, not continue doing the opposite.
Because she keeps calling me 4 times a day, we do talk a lot.
Well, the phone is for setting dates. And you shouldn’t always answer her phone call. Let it go to voicemail and call her back a few hours later, or text her back a few hours later and just make the next date. And if she won’t make the date, if she’s like, “Oh, I just wanted to talk and see how you were,” just say, “I’ve been real jammed up. I’d love to see you. Figure out your schedule and get back to me.” The problem is you’re turning into her therapist and her emotional tampon.
But whenever we get too close, she starts pushing me away and fighting about something.
Or you’re probably starting arguments because you’re mad and you’re not getting laid.
She also asks me not to be mushy all the time.
So you’re basically acting like the chick in the relationship, and this is why you’re getting nowhere. You’re too soft and girly, and she’s pointing out where you’re acting weak. And even though you claim to have been through my book once, it’s going right over your head. This is why I say you’ve got to read it 10 to 15 times. It’s like you read the book and it doesn’t seem like anything changed on your side.
You have to recognize you’re acting like a woman, and so the sexual polarity is reversed here. She’s acting like the strong, stoic man, and in you’re acting like an insecure little girl. As she says, you’re too mushy all the time. So, you’re acting dopey. It’s not attractive. Women don’t want a dopey guy. Women want a guy who is selective, who has lots of choices and lots of options, and therefore he wants to make the best decision for himself. He’s in no rush to get anywhere. And this guy is in a rush to lock her down, even though he hasn’t even had sex with her yet.
Sometimes she asks me not to smooch, as it will destroy her lipstick.
So this tells me you’re trying to kiss her when she’s not ready to be kissed. It’s obvious you have zero self awareness, and you have no idea what’s going on, and you can’t even tell when she’s ready to be kissed. When a woman is ready to be kissed, she’s going to be close to you, she’s going to be bumping into you. She could be leaning into you. Maybe her knee is touching yours as you’re sitting next to each other. Maybe she’s exposing her neck to you.
And if you’re not sure, look at her lips, and then into her eyes, and then into her lips, and then back into her eyes again. And if at any point while you’re doing that she looks at your lips, that means she’s ready to be kissed. You’re getting rejected because you have no idea what the hell is going on. Plus, you’re you’re not applying anything that’s in the book. You’re doing the opposite.
I went to her city to celebrate the new year. When I called her to say “I am excited to see you,” she went on and on about how she does not feel excited at all.
Dude, you’re just drooling all over this girl and you’re ignoring the fact she’s not reciprocating it.
She said nothing excites her.
No, it’s just that you don’t excite her, because you act like too much of a beta male.
I gave her a moon shaped lamp with a greeting card for the new year.
You don’t buy presents for women that you’re not sleeping with that are not your girlfriend, your wife. It’s like a bribe for sex and a relationship, just like a dopey guy trying to win her over with presents. It does not work, dude. Women only care about how they feel about you, not what a good guy you are or how nice the lamp and greeting card are that you got her. It means nothing. All women care about is how they feel about you. And she’s telling you she ain’t feeling it. And when she tells you that, you pursue harder instead of just backing off and letting her be.
With some food and drinks, she was making out with me. After the London New Year fireworks were done, she told me she would leave me and catch up with her friends.
So you spent a New Year’s Eve with this girl, and she’s like, “Oh, I’m going to go hang out with my friends. See you later.” Probably so she can meet up with Chad Thundercock, the guy she’s actually having sex with.
I left her in front of a cafe. Then 5 minutes later she called me to come back. I went back.
Like the good little dopey boy that he is.
She told her friends she would be late, in 20 minutes. She asked me to go into a bar and get a drink each.
Really, get a drink for her? Come on, man. If I was already on the way home and she’s like, “Oh, come back,” I’d be like, “Why don’t you come back with me to my hotel or come back to my place and hang out and celebrate tonight?” And if she says, “No,” he’s like, Alright, well, have a good night. Enjoy your New Year’s with your friends.” I would have dipped.
I paid for her drink and dessert. Then, she got on my arse about why I am looking so tired. I have a low vibe. She kept nagging me many times, and I told her I don’t like being used as a backup for friends because she didn’t want them to see me.
Yeah, you’ve got to have some self respect, dude. You should have left. When somebody doesn’t appreciate you or value you, you give them the gift of missing you, permanently if need be.
Also, she should have kissed me during fireworks but to save her lipstick she didn’t kiss me.
It’s not to save her lipstick, it’s that she just didn’t want to kiss you, dude.
Then we broke up.
You weren’t really together. Come on.
I am clueless. Was she using me for money?
She was walking all over you and treating you like a doormat, because you have no game and you act like a beta male. And plus, on top of that, you claim to have read the book, but you’re literally doing the opposite of what the book teaches. So, I don’t think that you even read it, or maybe it just didn’t sink in at all.
She was 6 months away from her breakup, so she was just not ready.
That’s not true at all. What it really was was that she’s just not interested in dating you because you’re so soft. You act like a girl, you don’t act like a man. She acts more masculine than you do.
If she liked me, why would she suggest me to date other girls?
Because, quite frankly, she doesn’t think you have the balls to do it, number one. And number two, she would like you more if you had other choices and other options. But you’re trying to be Mr. White Knight to a girl that’s treating you like an afterthought, and a backup, and a guy who buys her things. It’s like you’re just completely not paying attention to reality. Maybe you read the book, but you are determined to continue acting the way that movies and TV taught you to act, and it’s getting you nowhere except empty in your bank account and giving you blue balls.
I was not blowing up her phone or chasing.
Well, you’re acting dopey and like a chick, so there’s no sexual polarity. So she doesn’t respect you as a man. That’s why she doesn’t sleep with you. Just think if you’re not strong enough to stand up to her and put her in her place when she’s out of line in a playful way, then there’s no way she feels safe trusting your masculine core to lead her and be in a relationship with her. You’re like the gay male girlfriend that buys her things and is the emotional tampon whenever she wants to talk, when she’s feeling down because Chad Thundercock didn’t come over and see her and rearrange her insides the night before.
But how could I deal better with her calling me 4 times?
Well, don’t answer the phone all the time. Let it go to voicemail. Take your time getting back to her. She treats you like an afterthought and a low priority. So she should have the same low priority in your life. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And in this case, if she’s calling you all of the time, don’t call or text her for any reason.
And when she does reach out, don’t sit on the phone like an emotional tampon. Talk to her and say, “Well, let’s get together and talk about it in person over dinner.” Invite her to your place. Make dinner together. If he’s meeting in hotels, what does that mean? Maybe he lives with his parents, I don’t know. As a man, you’ve got to have a place to go with a woman. It’s like, come on. So, you’ve got to figure that out. I mean, get a second job, a part time job, get a little studio apartment. You’ve got to figure it out.
You’ve got to be a competent man. And complaining, “Oh, I can’t afford it,” it’s like, well, then maybe you shouldn’t be dating. You should get your life in order, so you can at least pay your bills and put a roof over your head. You’ve got to be a minimally competent dude and at least act like a man. And that’s your problem. You’re acting like a girl, so she’s not feeling attraction to you.
How do I not get emotional when a girl is hot but aloof?
Well, this is part of what being a man is all about, exercising emotional self control. Dude, you’ve got to read the book 10-15 times. And you’ve got to learn it and you’ve got to apply what’s in it, not do the opposite. You may have read the book once, but nothing has changed in your behavior.
And the other thing is you’ve got to start dating other women. She’s telling you what to do, what would turn her on. She knows if you were dating other women, the possibility of losing you to another woman would make her more attracted to you. But you’ve got oneitis, and you’ve got this girl on a pedestal, you treat her like a celebrity and she’s constantly treating you like a fan. It’s so obvious. So, you’ve got to have some self respect.
Again, the whole purpose of a date is to hang out, to have fun and to hook up. She’s not your girlfriend. I wouldn’t be meeting her. I mean, she doesn’t even want you to meet her friends, because she doesn’t think highly enough of you to even introduce you to them. I mean, you should think about that and pay attention to that. That should tell you that she’s really not that into it. You may be a five or six and her eyes, as far as interest, which means you can raise it, but you’re going to have to start acting masculine.
You can’t act like a dopey little schoolgirl that’s got a first crush in high school. This is just not going to get you anywhere except with blue balls, stuck in friendzone permanently, and allowing this woman to just completely drain your wallet dry. You get her a nice buzz, and then she goes and meets Chad Thundercock to finish her off in the evening. And you go home and you’re beating the bishop by yourself. You’re hanging out with rosey palms and her five friends. That’s not what you want.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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