What it means and why women cause some men to lose their cool and get upset so easily.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who just broke up with his girlfriend of 5 months. Things were great until she lost her job 2 months ago. He tried to become her therapist and got frustrated and angry when she stonewalled and pushed him away.
The 2nd email is from a timid guy who got angry after he got rejected by a woman he thought he was making progress with. I explain why a lack of leadership, masculinity and a needy and insecure demeanor was the downfall of both men that led to their rejection. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
This is a good email, because both of these guys are getting perturbed and losing their cool with the women that they like. The first guy was in a relationship for five months, and it led to him breaking up with his girlfriend. And then the second one, the guy, I don’t think he really went into detail of how well he knew my book, or if he even read it, but you could tell by the way he’s acting, he’s on a second date with her, and he’s giving her a hug instead of trying to kiss her.
And he’s talking about sexual tension and things, instead of just seeing the signs that are there and making the move to escalate. And then when she backs off, he doesn’t understand that women are like cats. He gets mad, and frustrated, and angry. And masculinity is calm, so you always want to be calm in these situations. And both of these guys have lost their cool and ended up with undesired results. So, let’s see what we can learn from these two situations.
First Viewer’s Email:
I have read your book close to 10 times now and started it over again today. I just broke up with my girlfriend of 5 months. Things haven’t been going really well for the past 2 months or so since she lost her job. About 2 months ago, she was let go from a job that gave her a lot of stress, and at first, she seemed to be in a better mood for about a week with all of the stress seeming to disappear overnight.
Well, that seems like a good turn of events.
But then the reality set in that she had no income and she needed to look for a job, which created a new kind of stress.
A little background on her: she has OCD and depression and is on medication.
So, right off the bat, when you see that, you go, okay, well, she’s not going to behave normally like a normal, healthy woman typically is. She’s got some issues. She’s got depression. She’s on medication. And when you’re dealing with that, it really is going to depend on, how disciplined is she with her drugs? And typically, if she’s disciplined, and she manages her emotions, and she manages her medication, and her health and her body, and self regulates, then you can work with that.
But I read an email, it was yesterday or the day before, in another newsletter where the woman just flat out refused to take her meds, refused to do to go to therapy. And you just you can’t work work with that. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes. You have to have somebody that’s participating in their own rescue. So, obviously, the caveat there is that’s going to make things much more difficult than if you’re with a normal, healthy woman.
Whereas, with a normal, healthy girl, you’re going to try to open her up. “Hey, what’s wrong, babe? You seem a little upset. You seem kind of quiet over there. What’s going on?” That’s all you’ve got to say. And then she’ll just go on and on and on and tell you what’s going on. Whereas, if you’ve got some mental illness in there, you’ve got some medication in there, psychotropic drugs, SSRIs, all those good things, and then you also throw in somebody who may not be disciplined with them, it’s going to make the relationship ten times harder and ten times more difficult.
As she was getting more stressed out, I tried my best to make fun dates or just hang out with her to let her know that I was supporting her.
Hang out, have fun, and hook up. So, if she’s stressed out about her job, be the escape. If she’s not very disciplined or organized, you could offer to help her get organized. “Would you like me to help you, babe? We can sit down and we can make a list of all the different jobs and employers that you could potentially apply for.” She may say yes, she may say no. But the one thing you’ll see here, as I get further into the emails is, this guy was trying to force himself into her life.
He’s trying to force her to talk and open up. And on top of that, he’s just blowing up her phone and texting her incessantly, and just really going out of his way to be her therapist, instead of her fun escape. Because, at the end of the day, your job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. And if a woman’s in a bad mood, or not in the greatest mood, some affection, a couple of orgasms really will change her attitude. It’s typically 2 to 3 times a week at the minimum.
Typically, when you look at the stats, relationships that go multiple decades, they’re still having sex 2 to 3 times a week on average. And when they’re not, the relationship is rocky and typically often ends. So, having good intimacy really makes a big difference when you’re in a relationship. Because if you’re not giving it to your girl, if you’re not giving her a proper seeing to, you’re going to have problems. Because she’s going to be cranky, and the best way to change her attitude, or at least with a normal, healthy woman, is a nice hot beef injection and a few happy finishes. And she’ll be right as rain.
But it was difficult to get her back into her feminine.
Obviously, if she’s lost her job and she can’t pay her bills, she’s going to naturally move into her masculine energy, which is not her natural essence. And most women typically just don’t react too well to that.
Things felt off, and she said so too. I think I should have dug deeper to have her express her feelings.
The idea is like when I talk about communication and how to communicate with women effectively, when you’re with your girl in person – this is your girlfriend, somebody you’re in a relationship with – and she’s quiet, she’s angry, she’s upset or whatever, you’re like, “Babe, what’s going on? You’re kind of quiet. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.” And if she says, “I don’t want to talk about it,” you’ve got to get her to open up. But in this case, you can tell this guy’s just constantly thinking, “I’ve got to get her to talk. I’ve got to get her to talk. I’ve got to get her to talk.” He’s a little obsessed over it and a little neurotic about it, as you’ll see.
When she gets really depressed, she just shuts down completely and won’t talk to me, or anyone for that matter, and it hurts my feelings.
Well, you shouldn’t get butt-hurt over that. You shouldn’t be getting upset at your woman’s changing moods or feelings, regardless of the fact that she’s got mental health issues or depression. This is with women in general, you can’t allow their bad moods or their changing moods to get you upset. Because masculine energy is calm. You’re supposed to be the rock. You’re supposed to be the mountain. You’re supposed to be the calm one. You’re supposed to be the one that always has the answers.
You’re the one who takes the big problems that women come up with or the emotional things. Women tend to exaggerate and use hyperbole, because they’re trying to have an emotional impact on you. That’s why what typically happens, like say you got you slacked off and you haven’t been dating her as much, she’ll say something like, “We never go out. You never take me anywhere. We never do anything.” And the first instinct for us guys is like, “I just took you out to dinner two weeks ago,” or “We just spent the weekend away last week.” It’s like, “What are you talking about?” Instead of recognizing “You never take me out” really just means, “Hey, take me out on a date.” Instead of , “Arrrgh,” wanting to argue about it.
“You never take me anywhere,” it’s like, “You know what? Let’s go here. Let’s go do this. I’m going to take you to such and such place tomorrow night. Make sure that red dress is washed and ready to go,” or whatever. So, when they complain and they’re like, “You never do this, you never do that. You never take me anywhere,” it just means, “Hey, take me out on a date.” That’s all it really means. “Take me out on a date. Romance me, and then give me a proper seeing to at the end of the day,” that’s all it is.
Don’t start defending yourself. Don’t start going through a list of things you did in the past, because all that communicates is, “Hey, I’m not changing anything. I’m not going to listen to you. I’m going to do what I want.” And that makes her feel like you don’t care. But women tend to do that, and guys that don’t know any better, they freak out about those things. But women tend to take these little things and they go, “Ahhh, it’s the end of the world!” But just keep in mind, don’t take it personally when she says, “We never do anything, you never take me anywhere.” It just means “take me on a date, make a date and make it happen.”
Just handle it. That’s it. Just handle the date. Even though she’s getting all emotional and makes it like a big deal, like you never do anything. But you’ve got to keep that in mind. Just don’t go into defending and rationalization, because then that’s going to make her feel like you’re not listening and you don’t care. But this is the way women communicate. Most guys don’t understand these little subtle nuances.
And it is very hard to get her to open up because I basically need to wait for her to feel okay. I don’t like that she puts me on the sidelines until she is ready to talk.
Well, this is the kind of thing where you shouldn’t get perturbed about it. You should be like, “Well, the kitty cat’s refusing to talk.” You should especially be doing these things in person and not trying to be her therapist over the phone or over text. Which you’ll see in a moment, that’s one of the things that this guy was doing. He took it to the extreme.
This past weekend, she went on a family trip she had planned for a while and she was looking forward to it, but eventually some family drama unfolded, and she came home early. We were texting and I tried to understand what was happening and how she was feeling.
So, he’s trying to be her therapist through texts.
But she once again didn’t want to talk about it.
So, if I had gotten a text and she’s complaining, “We got into a big fight, I’m coming home early,” I would have been like, “Great! I want to see you. I miss you. I want to see your face. Let’s get together. Let’s go do something fun.” That should have been the response, not “Let’s talk about it. Tell me how it makes you feel,” like a therapist would. You’re supposed to be the escape from her life. And then, when you’re on the date and you’re having fun, and maybe she’s quiet, you’re like, “Babe, you’re kind of quiet. What’s going on?” Then, you get her to open up. Don’t try to be her therapist through text like, “You’ve got to talk to me.”
I know I am supposed to keep digging…
You’re supposed to do this in person.
…but it is hard to do when you are not in person, because you can easily ignore a text, and she also was with her family while all of the drama was going on.
Yeah, you should be having a relationship in person. Especially talking about things she’s upset about, you don’t try to do it through text. It’s like, come on. But this is part of “I’m going to be a robot. I must communicate with women effectively. She must tell me what is going on. I must do this right now.” Don’t be that way, dude. Easygoing, easy to get along with, no big deal, “We’ll talk about it when I see you. I want to hear all about when I pick you up, babe.”
But if she’s already upset and you’re like, “Let’s talk about it,” what you’re communicating is, let’s just sit in the negative emotions. And she’s wanting to escape. So, instead it should be, “Well, great. I’m glad you’re back early. We can get together. I want to see you.” Because she’s reaching out to you and telling you she’s coming home early, you should assume she wants to see you and make a date to get together. And if she’s in a grumpy mood when you pick her up Saturday, it’s like, “Hey, what’s up? You look cute, by the way. What’s going on?”
I told her I would pick her up if she needed me to, or I could come over or she could come over to my place. She declined.
Yeah, it’s like you’re basically saying, “Hey, let’s have a therapy session. I will be your therapist today, young lady. I will take off my boyfriend hat, and I will put on my therapist hat, and you could lay down on my couch. And you can talk and journal.”
This morning I called her.
Now he’s starting to blow her phone up and overpursue. This is not how you do it, dude. But this is why you apply what’s in the book, because you’ve got to get experiences. You’ve got to get experiences screwing things up and messing things up. And if you don’t practice this a lot, when you get into a relationship, especially if you get into a relationship with a woman who’s got mental health issues, the problems are going to be ten times harder than a normal woman. That’s just the way it is. But it’s like, one out of every three women over the age of 30 is on some kind of psychotropic medication. So, you’ve got a 1 in 3 chance of dating a girl, in just the normal dating pool, encountering a woman that’s on some kind of drugs. That’s the way it is.
No response for hours, and eventually she called me back hours later.
You should look at that and go, “Yeah, she doesn’t really want to talk to me. She’s not really excited.” Instead of getting butt-hurt, and perturbed, and continuing to be neurotic, and forcing yourself into her life, you should be backing off. Just let her be. Stop trying to be her therapist constantly. It’s not what communicating with women effectively is about.
When you’re with them and you notice they’re not their normal selves, they’re not a good mood or they’re cranky, that’s when you open them up. Because, quite frankly, most of the minutia of what’s going on with the family, she’s left early, so that tells me that she wants to get away from the BS. She wants to escape from that, so be the guy, she can jump into your arms like, “I’m so glad I came back early, because I could spend time with you.” But instead you’re like, “Let me be your therapist. Lay down on my couch, and we will talk about this.”
I tried to ease into the conversation by asking what she was doing today etc., and she seemed so not interested in me, the conversation, etc.
Yeah, because you’re blowing up her phone and you’re overpursuing her at this point. So, you’re trying to force yourself into her life, and you’re in essence running around the room trying to pick up the cat when it wants to be left the fuck alone.
I finally asked her if she wanted to talk about her trip and all of the drama, and she said no.
Think about it, “Let’s talk about the trip and all the drama, honey. Lay down on my couch. Let me be your therapist.”
I did my best to keep my cool and try and get her to open up, but she ended up hanging up the phone on me.
Yeah, come on. Love is playful and fun, it’s not serious. You’re supposed to be the escape.
It really pissed me off. I called her back, and she didn’t answer. I had a text drafted saying that I couldn’t do this anymore, but I waited just a little bit to give her another chance, and she called me back. I tried one more time to open her up, but I was frustrated, and it probably didn’t come across very caring or genuine.
Yeah, she’s already in a bad mood, and you’re putting her in a worse mood, because you’re trying to be her therapist when she just wants to escape and have some fun.
After she refused to speak to me about it, I said, “I can’t do this,” and she agreed, and now we aren’t together anymore. I haven’t heard from her since. How do you deal with these types of women?
Well, that should have been something in the vetting process that you should have before you got really super serious. Is she disciplined with her meds? Does she get her therapy? Those are the things you want to know. If she’s haphazard and takes her drugs intermittently, you’ve got to understand you’re going to be with a Jekyll and Hyde girl. One moment she’s in a good mood, and the next moment, or the next day, she might be just a bitch in heat in high heels and just terrible to be around.
How can I better improve my communication in that type of situation?
Well, your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and to hook up. And so, in this case, that’s all you’re trying to do, is arrange the next get together. If she had a bad time with her family, and she calls you or texts you and says, “I’m coming home early. That really sucked,” I’d be like, “Wow, I’m so glad you’re coming back early. I want to see you. Let’s get together and go have some fun.”
That should have been the focus, “Let’s escape.” In other words, she should be like, “Ahh, every time I call my boyfriend, he just makes it all better. He always makes me feel better.” Not because you’re trying to be her therapist, but because you’re just always fun to be around, hanging out, having fun, hooking up, and lots of happy finishes. It doesn’t sound like many happy finishes. It just sounds like, “Ugh, I’ve got to call my boyfriend, and he’s going to want to psychoanalyze me and ask about my feelings.” You know, that kind of stuff.
She’s not in the mood for that. It’s not what you’re there for. But you’ve misinterpreted some of the things that I teach about communicating, and you’re ignoring the fact you’re kind of being neurotic, and blowing her phone up, texting her constantly, calling her constantly, instead of just letting her come to you. You’re creating a lot of drama and a lot of grief, unnecessarily.
So, if she reaches out again, then I’d be like, “Hey, babe, I’d love to see you,” and make a date. Invite her over to your place, hang out, have fun and hook up. And then, at some point, she’s going to talk about what happened. And you’re like, “Yeah, I just don’t like when you shut down, or you’re cranky, or you’re angry,” or whatever. “It’s just annoying.”
But you should also understand that you shouldn’t be trying to be her therapist on the phone and through text about every single thing that happens. You’re to be the escape. You’re the driver of the fun bus, not the driver of the Debbie Downer bus. Every time she calls you, she doesn’t want to be like, “Ugh, he wants to talk about my feelings.” No, she wants to escape, and have fun, and get her brains fucked out.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Hello there, Coach!
Last week, I met a girl who was around the same age as me, and it seemed like we had a lot in common. We started chatting, and the conversations flowed smoothly. As a Computer Science student, I dedicate most of my time to my career and personal growth. I must admit that I haven’t read your book yet.
Well, there’s your problem. And that’s on you, because you’re lazy, and you’ve got low standards, and you thought, “I’m different. I’m a computer science geek. I’m really super smart. I can learn what I need to learn from just watching these quick little videos here. I don’t need to read this guy’s damn book, because I’m special.” But yet, here you are writing me an email, making mistakes that are easily avoidable.
But after my recent experience with this girl, I’m considering reading it multiple times.
Well, if you’re a serious student and you want to get this part of your life handled, you’ll read it. If you’re a slacker, you’ll make excuses. Do you like the results you’re getting with your way? Obviously not. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have written me an email in the first place. I’ve got to break your balls a little bit, because you’ve got to read the book, dude. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. It’s like, come on.
We got to know each other through messaging since I live in a different city for college and only come back home on weekends, (she happens to be my neighbor).
Well, I wouldn’t be trying to get to know her through text, maybe through a FaceTime date. And in a week or two, you should be back visiting her or she should come to see you. Figure it out, dude. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and to hook up – not to try to get to know somebody through text. But if you would have read the book, hopefully you would have picked these things up. And I do say these in many videos, but I don’t know which ones you watched.
When I returned home, I invited her for a walk, and we had an amazing time. We laughed a lot, and she seemed genuinely interested.
Obviously, she probably was, until you talked her out of being interested.
She even mentioned that I looked even better in person than in my pictures. Things were looking very promising.
Well, in that moment, she was attracted to you. So, you went for a walk. How about a date? You just went for a walk around the block in the neighborhood? What about kissy-poo? No kissy-poo, obviously.
During our second outing, she appeared even more excited to see me. At the end of the date, she gave me a big hug.
Oh, it was a big hug, really nice. There was a video I did years ago called, “I Got a Big, Wide Open Hug.” The guy was really proud of himself.
And later that night, she expressed feeling very aroused and wanting me.
Well, she did give you a hug. Then, I would have looked at her lips and kissed her. I’d say, “So, if you’re going to hug me like that, you better kiss me.” That’s what I would have said ,something along those lines. Or just gone ahead and kissed her. You’re supposed to be the man. You’re supposed to be looking for those signs. But if you had read the book, you would have known what to look for, and you could have kissed her and made out. But instead, you’re expecting her to be the leader and be the man.
I suggested that she come over to my place to explore those feelings, but she said it was still too soon, despite her instincts urging her to do so. There was a lot of sexual tension between her and I, and I took that as a good sign. The next day, she suddenly expressed her desire to be single, which left me feeling confused.
It was something you said, something you did. She went on two dates, and you never tried to kiss her. She could obviously tell he had no game and didn’t know what she was doing, because she’d been out with plenty of guys that just made it easy to hang out and have fun and hook up, and you didn’t know what you were doing. That’s why this happened.
I told her that I found it disrespectful towards me, and I became quite angry.
Masculinity is calm. So, this is why women do and say things like that. They feel something’s off in your vibe. Maybe you got a little irritated before. Maybe you got frustrated when she wouldn’t come over that night, because you were thinking you’re about to get some, and then she doesn’t, and you get mad at her. It’s like, you have no clue what you’re doing, dude. No game, no clue. That’s why you got a nice big case of blue balls for your trouble. So, congratulations. I hope you enjoy it.
She basically told me that she doesn’t want a relationship, due to her being broken by her past experiences with guys.
So, what was going on is you’re going, “Ah, she’s going to be my girlfriend.” So, you obviously communicate you’re way more into her than she’s into you, giving off the relationship vibe. You’re already thinking, “I’m going to lock this girl down.” You’re probably saying things as well, that you don’t even realize, that are turning her off when you’re with her and you’re texting her.
So, you’ve got to read the book. There are no shortcuts to success, dude. You know, you’re a computer science major. You don’t go to a class the first day, and then never go back, and you’re done with the class. You’ve got to be disciplined. You continually go over the course of the semester. It’s same thing. You’ve got to learn the material.
If you took this kind of approach towards your classes, you would have flunked out. So, you flunked out of your relationship class, basically. The pickup, dating, relationship and seduction class, you completely got an F. You totally flunked. Didn’t read the book, didn’t learn the material. The big test came, and you crashed and burned on the sidewalk, in the front yard.
She also said that she doesn’t want to be a pain in my back and expressed the desire to stay single.
You can tell he really smothered her, and she’s like, “Whoa.”
I was pretty pissed off, because I invested my time in this girl, and now she suddenly backs away from me without me doing anything. Maybe there are things I didn’t catch, but I ended up being really confused. As a result, I decided to block her on social media. While I don’t really care about her anymore, I’m still trying to understand the sudden change in her attitude.
Women are like cats, and your game sucked. You came off as a little boy that didn’t know what he was doing. Instead, you probably could have been on that first date, maybe even having sex. But that’s why she held back, because she didn’t feel safe and comfortable with you. Because deep down, she could tell there was a lot of anger and hostility brewing under the surface there. And all she had to do was pull back a little bit, and the Jack-in-the-box came out and scared her away. And you blocked her everywhere, so you solved that problem. I hope you’re proud of yourself, dude.
You’ve got to read the book. You can’t get perturbed at women. You can’t overpursue when you’re in a relationship and demand to be her therapist. Love is playful and fun. You’ve got to read the book, you’ve got to learn the information, and you’ve got to know when and where it’s appropriate to do certain things. Because as we see, both of these guys lost their shit at their woman’s behavior and they acted improperly, they acted totally unattractive. Instead of the hot beef injection and exploding in ecstasy into each other, you exploded into blue balls. So, congratulations.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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