Why Women Sleep With Jerks & Nice Guys Get Used & Abused

Why women sleep with jerks while nice guys get used & abused & no romance.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s finally reading 3% Man after getting used and abused by a female co-worker he had a crush on. He jumped through his butt to please and get her attention while she kept sleeping with their boss who constantly cheated on her while he’s stuck in friend zone.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this is a really good email because you just see the lengths that a nice guy is willing to go through, especially when he’s seen too many movies, because this is pretty much what the guys do in the movies.

So this guy, you could just tell, he meets this girl at work a couple years ago, has a crush on her, drools all over her, basically treats her like a celebrity. Therefore, she treats him like a fan and he goes through basically, I would like I would say, a series of humiliation rituals. He’s always doing nice things for this girl and showing that he cares. He’s being conscientious, but at the end of the day, she don’t care. She likes the attention. What he later finds out, he ends up leaving the job after a year, works somewhere else for a year or so, then he comes back to that job, and he just goes through the same act all over again. She occasionally will dangle the carrot as if there’s some interest there, but the email just perfectly illustrates how it doesn’t matter what a great guy you are. What women care about is how they feel about you.

So he later finds out that she’s been sleeping with their boss who she thought they were dating. Meanwhile, he was cheating on her as well. So this guy’s doing everything he can to jump through his butt, goes through all these humiliation rituals and doing things for favors, buying her gifts, being a nice guy, but a doormat. She says nice things, but she clearly takes it for granted. At the end of the day, she’s sleeping with the boss who’s cheating on her and treating her like dirt.

It’s just a perfect example of why women love jerks, because at least the jerks act like a man. That’s the important thing. Their masculine, and they don’t put up with shit. They’re not trying to seek a woman’s approval. When you’re buying gifts and things like this guy does, and doing things for a woman to seek her attention, validation and approval, the gifts come off as a bribe for sex and a relationship, and it just absolutely will get you nowhere in the real world. In the movies, it’s cute, but in the real world, she’s sleeping with Chad Thundercock and you’re getting blue balls. That’s the bottom line. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach!

Listener, viewer and now reader from London.

So I assume he’s been following for a while, but he’s just now getting around to reading 3% Man. If you’re new here, you can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter, put your first name, your email address, create a password, and it’ll open up right in your web browser. The email sign-up box is like the first thing you’re going to see if you’re on a mobile device. That’s the first thing that comes up. If you’re on a desktop or a laptop computer, it’s going to be in the upper right hand corner. It’s very easy to find.

So if you’re watching this, read the book. Learn the baseline fundamentals, because these videos are based on the premise that you’ve at least read the basics that are outlined in the book. So the emails are real world situations that guys are in. This particular guy is in the UK. It’s how we apply what’s in the book to this particular situation. If you haven’t read the book, you’re going to struggle. I see a lot of guys do that because, I mean, everybody’s lazy. We want the lazy man’s way to sex and a relationship without doing much work. The reality is, you got to participate in your own rescue and you got to take the time to learn things.

There’s no shortcuts to success if you just cherry-pick videos. You may get some attainable success, but you won’t be able to sustain it, especially when you get into a relationship, because there’s relationship skills and wisdom that are laid out in the book that a lot of guys make the mistake when they start following me. Even if they start reading the book, they start getting laid a lot, their game improves tremendously, their results improved tremendously and they think, “I’m getting laid. What else do I need? This girl is all over me,” but when you don’t know the relationship stuff, it’s going to fall apart months later.

This is quite a story. I got very attached to a co-worker (20), I’m 25. Three years ago (2022) I was rejected by her and I left to pursue another career. I fell into a deep depression, pining for her. She was my dream girl.

Or I should say that you were projecting your fantasy of what you wanted onto her. Therefore, you weren’t able to remain objective about her character and what kind of a woman she really was. You just focused on your feelings and your interests, and when you do that, you’re locked into your emotions, and your emotions are going to override your logic and reason. So when the red flags pop up or dishonesty, you see her lying to you or doing other things that are illustrating low character, you’ll dismiss it and you’ll ignore it because you’re driven by your emotions. Then you use logic and reason to justify ignoring the red flags.

That’s why you should definitely read the book and learn it, because you never know when you’re going to meet somebody that knocks your socks off. It may be two months after reading the book or coming across my work, maybe two years, but if you don’t prepare ahead of time, like Confucius said, “Success depends upon prior preparation, and without said preparation, there is sure to be failure.”

Eventually, I quit that job after a year (2024) and went back to my old job where she still worked.

So I would assume, I’m just guessing, he doesn’t say, but it seems like he went back to the job only because she was there thinking, “Well, if I just spend more time around her, she’ll see what a great guy I am and then she’ll want to be in a relationship.”

She seemed very excited to see me back working there.

Well, all women love attention and validation. As Zan Perrion says, “Beauty needs a witness.” Feminine energy grows through praise. Masculine energy grows through challenge. So even if she’s not interested, she’s still going to like the praise and like the attention as long as you’re not weird and creepy about it, but you’re still not going to get anywhere near her strawberry fields.

It had been a year, and I thought there was more interest there. She would look at me, touch me, lean on me, constantly smile and giggle but would never meet up with me outside of work.

Well, women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, they voted for you. So she’s flirtatious and touchy-feely at work, but won’t agree to go out or meet out outside, well she’s just using you for attention and validation, and we later find out in the email that this whole time she’s been sleeping with her boss who was cheating on her. So there’s a good chance she was using this guy’s attention and validation to try to make her boss, Chad Thundercock, jealous so he’d want to be with her. Instead, he kept cheating on her, she kept sleeping with him, and this guy kept getting blue balls.

This went on for several months. I over-pursued by constantly complimenting her, writing poems for her…

Again, you’re treating her like someone you’ve been with for 10 years.

…And constantly calling her my dream girl and the most beautiful girl in the world.

Again, how much you like a girl, how much you think she’s beautiful has zero effect on how she feels about you. The only thing that matters to her is how she feels about you, and what makes her feel attracted to you is you acting like a man consistently. In this case, he’s treating her like Taylor Swift, Sabrina Carpenter or some woman that he’s fan-girling. They like the attention, they like the fangirling, but you’re not going to get anywhere near the Promised Land. You’re just getting used. In this case, she likes the attention of validation, and she’s probably using that to try to make the guy that she is sleeping with jealous because everybody works together, apparently.

There was also another girl I was interested in on the side outside of work, but I never fully committed to the idea of dating her because I was so focused on the girl I worked with.

You were in love with the fantasy of who you wanted her to be. There was no objectivity at all. You weren’t vetting her for character. You just were like, “Hey, here’s the Stanley Cup. Hey. Here’s the Super Bowl trophy. Congratulations, you won first place!”

Women like a guy that they have to earn. They want a challenge. They don’t want a guy that makes it easy like this. They want a guy that’s kind of skeptical. That’s selective. It’s what’s going on with the guy that’s the jerk to her. She’s trying to get his attention and validation, sleeping with him and using everything in her power to try to make that guy to commit to her, but he just won’t. This guy is like, ready to give her everything, give her the world, so to speak, and it completely dries her up. Women are designed to get our attention. When you act like another woman, you can be her friend. You can be one of her gay male girlfriends, basically, even if you’re straight, but she’ll treat you like a gay male girlfriend.

Eventually, I was put in the friend-zone, but I still kept trying to pursue.

You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. When you’re not dating, or if you are kind of casually dating and they don’t want to date you, you don’t stick around. Remember, the Chad Thunder ock is off doing other things and quite frankly, doing other women and it drives her nuts.

I bought her a bouquet of her favorite flowers…

Well, as the book says, which he’s starting to read now, flowers are for girlfriends or wives, maybe for Valentine’s Day or a birthday. No more really than three times a year at at the most. It’s just not necessary. Every woman will say it’s sweet and they appreciate it, but it really doesn’t have any effect on their feelings towards you.

…And I made a magnet of her dog for her birthday.

Again, you’re treating her like a girlfriend when you’re really just the gay male girlfriend.

She would FaceTime me during this period and say things like, “I was one of the rare people who made her smile” and that “I understood her.” One day she called me crying, saying that the whole time she was dating one of our work supervisors (28), and that he had just cheated on her for a second time.

So she has to confess. She calls him because she’s got a broken heart. Man, I remember my teenage years, early 20s. It’s like, that’s not fun getting a call from the girl that you’re dying to get in her pants, and all she wants to do is drone on about Chad Thundercock who’s treating her poorly. You realize you did it to yourself. You put yourself in that position by sticking around and fan-girling her.

I was angry that she had hidden this from me for a whole year and wasted my time, but I calmed her down over the phone, but then ignored her for two weeks (Even when she tried to call me again). She then confronted me at work, and being weak at the time, I agreed to friendship, but I tried to keep flirting with her, touching her playfully, but she tried to shut me down again by saying we were just friends. That was when I vomited up my feelings…

No matter how much you super duper like a girl, it has zero effect on her.

…Saying that I loved her and that I wanted to be more than friends.

Dude, she knew all along.

We seemed to move forward from this, the talk of friendship never came up and she would still flirt with me at work, and I would still fall back into my anxious habits of constantly trying to compliment her, putting gifts in her bag and win her approval.

That’s about as pathetic and as weak as you can get. All of us recovering nice guys, we used to do stupid shit like that, buying gifts, sending flowers, writing nice birthday cards with long, drooly messages, and it gets you fucking nowhere. Then she calls you crying over the guy who’s a jerk that doesn’t treat her properly.

A couple of weeks ago, I thought it was all about to be worth it, she was FaceTiming me, flirting intimately over the phone and Snapchatting me when she went through anxiety attacks.

Again, you became her gay male girlfriend, her therapist.

She would also lean on me at work, touch me and flirt playfully using a soft voice. I even bought her food after work, where she told me she was super grateful, but a coworker with whom I was close with told me that she was still seeing her cheating ex. I pretended to shake it off, but that only lasted for a day.

So the other thing is, he’s clearly involved. Everybody in the office is having a crush on this woman. So he’s probably confessed his feelings to everybody and all the other women in the office know it and know how pathetic he looks, and none of them are going to want to sleep with him either. When you behave this way, it’s a bad way to go. It’s a bad look. It’s just a clueless guy with no game who’s seen too many movies that were written by beta males.

One night I was out with friends celebrating one of their birthdays and she playfully replied to my story saying, “Go home.” I jokingly told her “NO. Who are you to tell me what to do?” and she “Your friend.” That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I told her that I knew she was still seeing her ex and I told her to, “Have fun when he cheats on you again.” She then tried to gaslight me and say that this was my fault, that I believed she liked me when she didn’t. I told her, “If you didn’t like me, why would you say all these personal things like, ‘You understand me’ and ‘I showed my mum one of your poems and she started to tear up?’ So be proud of that.”

Again, you’re just the gay male girlfriend. The nice guy. Nice guys get no respect, and this is why, because this went on for years at least. Looks like at least three years, maybe four.

She then told me she knew she shouldn’t have said that as I would use that against her. She then threatened to remove me from Snapchat as I let our friendship streak die.

I’m like, “Well, remove me. Who cares?”

She was getting very pressed and I asked her why.

I assume maybe he’s trying to say “pissed” and the spell check corrected him.

She laughed it off, saying that I was the one getting pressed and said, “I was finally showing my true colors.” I then called her a narcissist and gaslighter (Because she was literally flipping everything on its head and trying to blame it all on me).

Well, at the end of the day, it is your fault because you were the one jumping through your butt, being a dancing monkey and a dancing seal, constantly trying to get her attention.

This is the complete opposite of what’s in the book, but you were cherry-picking videos for a while, and now eventually you’re getting the book. So hopefully you’ll start to see the error of your ways and realize that you’ve just basically wasted three years doing the least productive things.

I’ve started to go no-contact, and I will continue to do so until I see a positive change in her attitude, but I’m not holding my breath. I am working on getting a better-paying job that is in my field, so I no longer need to work at the place I currently am working with her.

So on top of that, it looks like you put your mission and your purpose on hold to go work with her. That’s a bad way to go.

I do feel bad because I know at her core she is a nice and caring person, but her narcissistic and toxic childishness was showing in our last conversation.

Would love to know your thoughts, Coach, on what I did wrong and whether she’ll come back and what to do if she does.

Bob

Well, you got to read the book. You got to read it 10 to 15 times. Take this seriously. You should also be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, because you’ve known this girl for several years. Tell her if she wants to have another chance, to come over and make dinner together, and you guys can make love afterwards. If she’s really seriously interested in romance, that’s what you can offer her. If she says, “No, let’s meet for lunch. Let’s meet for coffee. I only think of you as a friend,” just say “No. After three years, we know enough about each other. We’ve talked enough times, countless times. If you really want me in your life, you’ll come over, we can make love and then see what happens after that, but I’m not meeting you for coffee or this or that. It’s been a long week. I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over and do that, then give me a call in a few weeks and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out.”

In this case, even though you guys never had a date, never kissed or anything, just because of the time together, basically to go from being strictly platonic to just like what I did with my girlfriend that had the daughter, I just finally got to the point where I did a lot of these stupid things. So I’m not sitting here calling the kettle black because I understand how they don’t work because I did them all.

So the right thing to do is now is just draw the line in the sand and she’s got to agree to come over and make dinner at your place. Then I’d even tell her up front like, “Come over, make dinner. We’ll have a nice date. Maybe some wine.” If you’re not a drinker, “We’ll drink some coffee or tea and then we can make love.” If she balks at that, then just say, “Well, that’s all I can offer. I’m not interested in anything else. Three years, you know me well enough. If you’re not down for that, then keep sleeping with the boss and leave me alone so I can go find the right girl who appreciates what I bring to the table, because you obviously don’t. Call me if you change your mind. If I’m still single, you can come over and we can make love. Otherwise, it’s been real.”

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