Why You Must Control Your Urges To Overreact To What Women Do

Why controlling your urges to overreact to what women do grows attraction.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who struggles with overreacting and assuming the worst when he hasn’t heard from a woman he likes. He has a hard time when women don’t do what he expects. He’s learning to deal with the illusion of action when he hasn’t heard from her.

He discusses a recent example that had him freaking out at first, but then she finally reached out. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who he actually sent in two emails. The first one, he’s like starting to panic a little bit. What he struggles with is he kind of presupposes the worst that he’s going to get rejected. He’s not going to hear back from the girl, that kind of thing. If you don’t know any better and then you kind of freak out, maybe she took a little longer to reply to your text or your message than you expected, or she says, “Hey, I’ll call you later,” then she doesn’t, your natural tendency is to overreact and call her up or text her and, “Hey, is something wrong?”

Women will do this, especially when you first meet them if you met online, just to see how you react when they don’t do what you expect, because they have to test your strength and they have to figure out whether you got your act together or you’re a nut. So when these things happen, you should be indifferent to it. It shouldn’t bother you. So it’s just a good email, because every guy struggles with this, especially if he’s new and he’s just now starting to apply 3% Man and he’s patiently waiting to hear back from a girl who hasn’t responded in the time that he’s expecting. In the past, he usually would get upset or mad, and then things would spiral out of control after that.

So I remember the first few times I was doing this, just being patient or waiting, waiting a few days after my last date and not freaking out and thinking I’ve got to get her on another date, I got to spend more time with her, I got to let her know how much I like her, that kind of stuff, and just slowing things down. If you’re uncertain, especially like in my case, I grew up in an environment where mom and dad didn’t say, “I love you. I’m proud of you.” They weren’t very affectionate. Maybe we were like real little, but as we got older, you don’t get the love that you want, you start to think, “Oh, it must be something wrong with me.” When you start to think that way, then it affects your judgment. Especially when you become an adult and women don’t do the things you expect, you presuppose, “Well, it’s not going to work out. I’m probably not going to get love because I’m not loved or lovable.” So it causes you to try to do things what I call the illusion of action. You try to force things, you try to do too much.

At the end of the day, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So if you over-communicate your interest, you call her too much, you text her too much, eventually she’s going to pick up that you’re a little needy and a little neurotic. Women are most attracted to confidence. So if you come off as being a little needy, a little neurotic, and you freak out over the littlest thing, you’re going to get a pullback. If it’s early enough and her attraction level is not that high, it’s a quick way to get rejected and blown off when you had a good opportunity.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I just wanted to thank you first for all the good you and your work do to the world. I was a total loser around women until I ran into your work. Because of you and your work I had a lot of dates/relationships and even was engaged to a girl for three years (And that fell apart because I got comfortable and stopped following the 3% Man).

So you stopped doing the things that made you successful. What you do to get her is what you do to keep her.

So I recently met a girl on Tinder, we flirted and chatted a bit and she immediately invited me over the same night. I drove over to her place with a bottle of wine and we talked, had fun and made out, and when things got a bit hot and heavy she pulled away and said she “Doesn’t want to rush things.”

Well, that’s where two steps forward, one step back, comes in, because women want to know that they can stop you if they’re uncomfortable or if it’s moving too fast and you’ll respect it. Guys in this situation that aren’t used to it, tend to start going, “What’s wrong? I thought you wanted me. I thought you liked me. What’s the problem?” Instead of just going, “You know what? I’m going a little too fast. Let’s just slow it down a little until she feels comfortable and then re-engage a little while later.” That’s what two steps forward, one step back teaches.

Women need to feel safe. They need to feel comfortable with you. Sometimes, right as you’re about to get it on, they pull back and you can’t get upset, you can’t get bothered, you can’t get flustered, you don’t just get up in a huff and puff and walk out the door mad. You just recognize, “OK, we’re going a little too fast, so let’s slow it down and see what happens with that.” We need to make sure she feels safe and comfortable.

Following your guides and principles from the book I just kept everything playful, teased her a bit got her comfortable and after some time we ended up hooking up anyway. 

See how that works? It just shows you’re not upset. In other words, you have control of yourself and your emotions, and that’s very attractive to women. You’re not going to try to force yourself on her if she’s not down. You want to be with the woman. You want to make love to a woman who’s excited to make love to you. If she’s apprehensive or she has some doubts, well you’re happy to take additional time so she feels comfortable and safe, even if it means it happens on the next date. James Bond’s attitude is, “Babe, it’s inevitable.” So that’s the way you need to have the attitude, “Hey, it’s going to happen anyway. So what’s the rush? Let’s enjoy the anticipation!”

Two days pass by and she texts me about how she had an awesome time with me and asks me when can I come over to see her again, which was the same night.

Well, obviously he was probably good in bed. She was ready for some more.

Everything was smooth and perfect, had fun, hung out, hooked up and went home the next morning.

So the other thing you got to notice is she’s really into this guy and she’s really pursuing hard. So they’re spending a lot of time together in a short period of time, but when you don’t know any better, you think, “Oh, it’s just always going to be this way. It’s just going to happen more and more, and we’re going to spend more and more time together, and we’ll live happily ever after.” Usually what happens after a week or so, you get a pullback, and if you don’t have emotional self-control, it oftentimes can expose your game and expose the fact that you’re impatient, which is not good for attraction. So you got to keep your composure and you got to stay relaxed. You have a kind of a, “It’s inevitable anyway. So what’s the rush? Let’s enjoy the journey until we get there!”

Then she texts me two days after that saying that she has a headache and that she is thinking about me, and I said, “When your headache goes away, text me so we can figure out a date.” She goes radio silent for a week…

When that happens, the guy’s like, “Man, we just spent three days together and we were fucking each other’s brains out, and I haven’t heard from her in a week. Is she mad? Is she upset? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong?” That’s the kind of stuff that starts to go through your mind.

So this is why I say read the book 10 to 15 times, so you can understand that this is just the way women are. You spend a lot of time together. Then she becomes unsure of it. So she needs time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to start to miss you, and for her feelings to grow, and you freaking out about that is not good for her feelings growing. So that’s why you just need to let her be. Even if you are freaking out internally, you got to be present with it, have self-control, and not let it derail you or change how you’re showing up. You can’t be diminished by something like that.

…And then sends me a Happy Easter text on Easter. I responded to her in the evening when I got back home from hanging out with my family and wished her happy Easter back and asked her out. She said, “Yeah I’d be happy to see you. I will let you know exactly which day,” and I responded, “Next week Wednesday and Saturday evening are good for me.” She just left it on read and it has been six days since then. 

So the guy I’ll notice is like, “Shit, it’s been almost two weeks since we’ve seen each other, and we were fucking each other’s brains out for three or four days in a row. All of a sudden now two weeks have gone by, I haven’t seen her,” and guys freak out about that, usually because they think something’s wrong. “She should be liking me more. She should be wanting to spend more time with me.” These are the needy, neurotic thoughts. When you understand how women are, it’s like, “Oh, this is cute. This is the way. This is endearing. This is the way they are. She’ll be back.”

I went through the book again…

So this was like kind of the end of the first email, was like, “Shit, now it’s been another week and I haven’t heard anything. Is she blowing me off? What’s going on?”

…Watched tons of your videos and kept myself busy with my professional life, but this girl absolutely knocks my socks off.

That’s why it’s so hard to maintain your composure and not freak out, because the average guy looks at it like, “Again, we spent a bunch of time together. Now it’s been two weeks and I haven’t seen her and she doesn’t seem to care what happened.” It’s just the way women are.

She is the first girl in years to make me feel like this and I dated plenty. Have I made a mistake? The ball is in her court.

Well remember, dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net, and she told you she’s going to figure out her schedule and get back.

I don’t care about what is going on in her background because I barely met her two weeks ago, but I really like this girl, the sex is amazing and she is really sweet and funny (Apart from being distant over texts part). When she reaches out the next time, how can I make sure to not be overeager but also not a cold robot who isn’t excited about seeing her?

At the end of the day, when she reaches reaches back out, remember I say this all the time, you got to give women the time and space to follow through in their plans and commitments that they make to you, or to flake out and disappear forever. So for whatever reason, she’s been unable to make a date. She had a headache. She wasn’t feeling well. Maybe she suffers from bad migraines, but at the end of the day, you got to let it be. You got to let her get back in touch with you. Now, a guy who’s got a healthy self-esteem and is used to the way women operate just knows that, “She’ll be back eventually. When she misses me, she’ll be back. I’d much rather hang out with her when she’s missing me terribly after we spent a whole week together,” and she’s starting to take it for granted.

Thank you for the response and everything you do, Coach!

Bob, fellow student of love

Update Progress:

Patience really is a virtue, Coach. I was getting really impatient and emotional and that’s why I sent you the email, when I should have just kept reading the book, focusing on myself and trusting the process.

There you go! So until you’ve been through this enough times and you’ve just seen how women are, and they come back over and over when they seemingly you think, “Wow, it’s going to be forever. It’s a permanent thing,” and that sucks. I mean, as this guy said, it’s been years since he felt this way about anybody. So if you blow that and it’s been years, you’re thinking, “Shit, now it’s going to probably be several more years before that happens again,” and that’s really hard to deal with.

So that’s what you’re afraid of. You’re worried that things are going to go sideways and this one’s going to blow up like all the others have. So that’s why you just got to be patient, and that’s what he did. He trusted the process that’s laid out in the book.

The morning after I sent you the email (Which was a Sunday), she texted me early around noon right after church, apologized for being busy but that she has tons of homework and studying to do (She is a college student, and I forgot to mention in the last email she is 23 and me 27), but that she can’t wait to see me anymore and that she wants to invite me over for lunch at her place. I wasn’t busy so I went over, we had lunch, fun, hooked up, cuddled a bit, etc., and then I left around 7 p.m. so she can study and I can get ready for work, which I had early the next day.

Thank you for everything, Coach. This girl really knocks my sock off and I don’t plan to blow up her phone, act needy or insecure. I will just keep focusing on myself and your work, and keep seeing the magic happen in real time. Much love!

Your fellow student,

Bob

So you see how that works? You’re internally freaking out because you’re going, “Damn, it’s been two weeks. It’s almost like she doesn’t care. She doesn’t miss me. She’s not bothered,” and all of a sudden she pops, “Oh, I gotta see you.” So he goes over for lunch and a nooner. That was a booty call. So we assume because again, if you’re used to women wanting you, desiring you, and making the effort to be with you, you’re not going to freak out. You’re just going to go, “Oh, she’s probably busy with school or studying,” or whatever, and you just let her be. Then what happens? She shows back up and she’s missing you, because again, why is that? Because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. That’s just the way it is. You didn’t freak out, she started missing you. The other thing you got to take in to consideration is, how is the radio silence affecting her? She’s got time away from you to wonder about you, to think about you. She spent all that time together, and now all of a sudden, she hasn’t seen you in two weeks and you’re not bothered by it. You’re not reaching out. You’re not freaking out because most of the other guys would. Then what happens? She doesn’t want to wait anymore to see you and invites him over for lunch and a happy nooner finish.

So the late, great Doc Love had a great way of looking at it. He says, “You gotta outwait and outwit women,” and that’s exactly what he did. So he trusted the process, trusted the book, and that’s another reason why I say you got to read it 10 to 15 times, because when these things happen, if you don’t know the book that well, you’re going to probably freak out, put your foot in your mouth, and make a mistake that’s going to drop attraction, but if you know the book backwards and forwards, you’re gonna be like, “I’m just going to outwait her and we’ll see what happens.”

So he did that and he got to see her again, and he’s not looking at the fact or the timelines going, “Holy shit, we went two weeks without seeing each other.” He’s taking it as a case-by-case basis. How is she showing up today in the present moment? Because you really want to be spending time with her when she like, really misses you, really wants to see you, really wants to be around you and has enthusiasm. So you just got to let that play out. You got to let the anticipation build and then release it when she’s ready.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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